If you'd like to use this space to vent or rant or tell the stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal (or paternal!) mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...
My husband and I met a little over 5 years ago. We fell deeply and passionately for each other. We moved in together after only a couple of months and a year later we were married. In the beginning we spent every second of our free time together. We had very similar interests and did everything together. We didn't have a lot of money so we entertained ourselves at home most of the time and had a very active sex life.
As in most marriages, as the relationship got past that new and exciting phase, our sex life dwindled slightly. We decided that we were ready to start working on making babies so things picked up for a while, but after 2 plus years of trying and not getting pregnant sex became more of a chore for me than something that I wanted to do. Eventually, it became something that I didn't want to do at all. I'm sure that it psychologically had something to do with the fact that I couldn't get pregnant. Eventually, miraculously, I did pregnant. While I was pregnant, I used that as an excuse not to have sex. I was always too tired, or too uncomfortable. I didn't hold out completely, but I certainly wasn't generous in that department.
When I finally gave birth, my husband was excited because, to him at least, it meant that the drought was soon to be over. Instead of the usual 6 weeks recovery time I took 12 weeks before I was willing to let him try anything and when I finally did, it hurt so bad that I cried. He was upset. I was upset. Overall it just wasn't a good experience. Since then it has gotten better and I'm back to the point where I actually enjoy it from time to time but it is never enough for him.
He is a "scorekeeper" in the sex department. He always knows exactly how many days it has been since the last time and reminds me frequently. Sometimes it may be a week. Sometimes it may be 2 of 3 weeks in between. Most of the time I give in and let him do what he wants to do even when I don't want it. Most of the time I feel like I am being raped rather than making love to the man that I married. Those times have scarred me in ways that he will never understand.
The lack of sex in our relationship has ruined the bond that we used to have with each other. My husband spends most of his days depressed and angry and blames it all on the sex he isn't getting. I can barely stand to be around him most of the time because he is so down. He has a tendency for depression that runs in his family. His younger brother committed suicide earlier this year and I know that must still be affecting him as well. I want to help him, but don't know how. I have asked him to go to the doctor but he refuses.
He is jealous of the love that I give to our son and I fear that his jealousy will someday have a negative impact on their relationship. As of now, I do all of the caretaking functions for our son. He is only around when it is play time. I have asked him to become more involved, but he always has an excuse as to why he can't. I am very disappointed in him as a father. I always expected much more from him. We talked about having kids from the very beginning and he was always so excited about it.
When we are around friends he is always quick to point out the lack of sex in our relationship which makes me feel terrible. If I try to defend myself he gets angry and wants to end the conversation. I don't feel like our dirty laundry should be aired out in front of everybody and I certainly don't like him putting all the blame on me.
We have talked about the possibility of going to counseling, but right now we are so strapped financially that there is no way we can afford it. Neither one of us wants to get divorced because we do still care about each other. We just need to find a way to get over this bump in the road.
My idea of fixing things is to work on the relationship between us and that the sex will come after we have mended that. His idea is to have more sex and that will help the relationship. For two people who used to be so similar, we sure are different now.
I know it sounds like I am just bitching about him. I know that I have issues too that I need to work on. I know that I need to give him more attention, but he makes it so hard for me to want to. I'm sure there is a lot more to this that I'm forgetting to mention, but I don't want this to be any longer.
What hurts the most in all of this is that I want so badly to love him the way that I used to. I want him to be my best friend. I want him to be the one that I love to come home to every night. I want to feel that flutter in my heart when he walks into the room. I want to make love to him like we used to. I want to get so lost in him that it feels like the rest of the world doesn't exist. I remember a time when that happened. I just don't know how to get that back.