I am wishing and hoping to succumb to the darkness. I wish for and pray that it will take me in my sleep. I only wish that it will happen soon. I need someserious help and my only hope is that it comes in theform of death. I pray for the lord to take me every night.
I have a problem and much of it is my fault. Many years ago at the age of ten I was molested by a man who was my mother's boyfriend. My mother got pregnant by this man and had a little boy named Jason. He was such a great boy and I ended up raising him. This man named Adam, my molester, would call and tell me that if I did not put my mother on the phone he would tell her "what I did". I was so scared as a child!
I am now a mother of two small children. I recently contacted my molester and he has had no contact with his child, Jason. He begged me and preyed upon me to convince my mother (who I have no contact with) to tell her what a great person he was and I should allow him to have contact with his own son. I felt some kind of remorse and called upon my mother to have a small amount of regret for her shortcomings! I told her that I lied about Adam molesting me and she should allow her son to contact his father. She was an absolute hateful and disgusting person in my life...but I wanted my brother to know his own father. Well, guess what? My mother and Adam decided to get together and tell my little brother that I was a piece of shit and that I lied my whole life about Adam molesting me! So they both came up with the following story: I accused Adam of molesting me and I was a liar... my mother said that she could not in good conscience tell her son that his father was a child molester! But, know that she knew I lie yet, she felt like she had an obligation to tell him the "truth;" IE his father was a child molester.
So, now Adam, my molester, is in contact with his son. Now my brother hates me because he thinks that I kept him from his father for all these years. I know the truth! I remember when he tried to stick his dick in me when I was ten. I remember when he tried to fuck me in a garage! When he tried to hold my hand when my stupid mother was in the same room. When she forced me to go with him in his Nova (car). I hated it. I hated them all. I was a terrible child because of this and thus was seriously hated by everyone in my family. My sisters (I have two) and my brothers, Jason and a little guy named Cameron. They all now HATE ME! They think I am the cause of everything that has ever gone wrong in their lives.
I am a very successful and educated person. I have two degrees and am working on my third degree. No one in my family is accomplished. However, it really doesn't come down to that... they so hate me. I am the most hated person it the world and it hurts so bad. My little children ages 4 and 6 have a grandmother who hates their guts. I am not a very tolerant person and I have to admit that I fueled the fire in these people because I think they deserve to be humiliated like I have! I have called them nasty names and told them about the secrets that they harbor. I know that is wrong but I can't forgive them. I feel like I need to punish both my mother (for some many things not explained here) and Adam for molesting me as a little girl.
How come I can't get over this? What am I missing? I have tried to put a bullet in my head to just stop this all... I missed... a very very sorry mistake on my part! I would miss my children terribly, but, I would not feel remorse for me not being in their lives. I am not a good person and I know that. At this stage I am depending on alcohol to get me through my nights. I am now a serious alcoholic. I can not risk treatment for fear of them taking my children away. I only drink at night when my children are asleep... yeah I know not an excuse but a way of acknowledging that I am not hurting them! I am so fucked up that I can not even think! I just want to kill myself because of this asshole! How the fuck can I get over this?
Please anyone who has been in my situation please help me. I want to bury this man but I can't ~ How can I execute revenge and feel good? I need him to suffer like I did! At this point the only people who are suffering are my husband and myself! I want REVENGE!! Please advise! If I do not get revenge I am fearful of what may happen to myself!
Note from HBM:
For Anonymous, and anyone who is living through this kind of pain: please, please, please find someone to talk to - a counsellor, a doctor, a religious advisor, anyone. We'll give you all of the help that we can here, but please find some support offline, as well.
Some resources, as a start:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
RAINN Crisis Centres
Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse, Support Groups
Darkness To Light - Resources for Sexual Abuse Victims
National (US) Helpline for Resources/Info/Support for Victims of Sexual Abuse: 1-866-FOR-LIGHT (367-5444)
(Anyone know of other good resources? Please leave them in comments.)
Dear Anonymous, we're right here, holding your hand. Please do whatever you can to find even more hands.