Monday, June 23, 2008

Living In A Nightmare

Posted by Anonymous

Is this for real? Am I living in a nightmare? Let me start by saying that my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have been together for almost 8. Really and truly he is my other half. My everything along with my 14 month old daughter. Last week he tells me that he does not know if he is in love with me anymore or if he wants to be married to me anymore and that it is my fault. The bad thing is that I think it is my fault.
Throughout our whole relationship I have been battling depression and most likely pmdd along with a little late onset congential adrenal hyperplasia which has symptoms that mirror polycystic oviarian syndrome. I have been dealing with these things my whole life, along with a few ovarian tumors and the removal of my right ovary. So lord only knows how messed up my hormones are and you can guess at my moods. I don't even know if I believe in pmdd but I know that I feel like a raving nut for about two weeks out of the month.
So, for the past several years, but really getting bad over the past year since we had the baby I have been very, very mean to him. If I was a man you would call me abusive. Not physically, but emotionally abusive. I call him names, I yell at him, I curse at him, and I have no idea why. Too much mayo on the sandwich? Major tantrum. Baby not dressed in clothes that match? Better watch out. Why do I do this to him? What is wrong with me? He is a really good man who has been more than patient with this lunacy. Now he says it has killed our relationship and he may want out.
However, there is our daughter to consider, and we want her raised by both of us and we don't want to be single parents. We don't want to be arguing parents. We want her to remain happy and safe and perfect. Also, I know I cannot raise her alone financially or otherwise if he leaves us. Every day is a roller coaster.
I wish he could understant that I do not know what is wrong with me or how to stop it. I wish he could understand how hard mothering is. I wish he could know the tangle of love/aggravation/exhaustion/sadness that I feel. On top of all this we have a kid-which means we have no money, so go nowhere unless our parents are paying, and are constantly under financial stress bc the mortgage on the house we just bought and the daycare are sucking us dry. He has been at the same job for four years, which is good, but I make more money with a bachelor's as a teacher then he does with a masters at his job. This has been a point of contention for years. But the alternative seems to be he is not home much, and that is not good either.
We have had many talks over the past two weeks and some days are better than others-I am trying really, really hard to clean up my act. I also went to the doctor and got some Zoloft, I have a fabulous doctor who talks about all of this with me. There is apparently a two week waiting period for this to kick in. This is day 2 and mostly I feel spacey which could also be due to lack of sleep as I convinced myself that he was having an affair so I stayed up worrying about that all night. I asked him, very calmly, this morning if he was in fact having an affair. He said no, if he was he would not be at home every night. However, he is going out tonight with friends, something I have encouraged him to do, but he has never actually done much. He asked if I was going to call 20 times tonight-I said no, how about 3? He said no, only if it was an emergency and reminded me that he kept the baby on Friday night and all day on Saturday so I could visit friends and did not call to bother me-but let me have a good time. I know I have to do the same.
The whole idea of an affair came to me at 1:30am when it dawned on me that he worked sort of late two weeks ago on a Thursday, before all of this and I never thought about it. Now it is another Thursday and he is going out again and it reminded me of our very haunted past, when we were sneaking around behind someone's back. Not something we are proud of, not something I ever got over doing, but it was there none the less. Maybe I deserve this as some sort of kharmic payback. He says he is not having an affair. He almost laughed at me and asked me if I was. I checked his phone, not very many unfamiliar numbers but he uses the thing at work so who knows who those numbers are. I will not check his email, even if I knew his password I could not bc he always knows if I try something like that. Where did this craziness even come from? It never would have occured to me to even consider this until all of this got dumped on me last week. I breifly considered stalking him but he would hate me for it as he does not do that to me and anyway what would I do with my daughter?
We are trying to get into counseling but I have yet to get a stinking counselor to answer the phone, much less return a phone call and I do not know what to do about that. Isn't counseling what counselors do for a living? Don't they need patients? Are there that many screwed up people out there that all appointments are full?
Over the past few days he has told me he loves me, does not love me, loves me, feels good and bad on some days, might be in love with me, and made love to me. I have no ideal what to think, what to and am trying to survive my day in a zoloft and exhaustion induced haze. I will take care of my daughter and make sure she is happy and cared for. I will try not to give in to the pain building up in my chest threatening to burst out at any moment. We just go on - living together, parenting, and acting like nothing is wrong, and then sometimes we talk about it. I don't know what else to do. Any thoughts?

Monday, June 09, 2008

Home Sick

Posted by Anonymous.

two days ago she told me that the doctor has called for a test. a bone marrow test. she is my little sister and i have to help hold her while she faces what may be leukemia. maybe. i've spent two days distracting her/myself from what she describes as 'this demon inside me.'

fucking fuck.


no seriously, fuck. i'd never say it to her, but this isn't fair. cause it's not just that, it's the triple threat. it's the my-mom-was-diagnosed-with-parkinson's-six-months-ago-my-other-sister-was-diagnosed-with-ms-one-month-ago-and-now-my-sweet-precious-love-her-like-my-daughter-sister-is-facing-the-C-word triple threat.

and i'm treading water. like a madwoman.

i wish it was me. seriously, i wish it was me who had this and not her. i always wondered how people could want to take something so horrible from someone and bear it themselves and now i get it and i wish it was fucking me.

she keeps saying that she feels homesick. like when you're visiting your grandparents over the summer as a kid and the whole day is consumed by sunny fun and then you get back to their house and sleep in a strange bed with sheets that don't smell the same in a room that's just a little too cold on a pillow that's just a little too thin and your stomach aches for home.

only, she is home, and she feel's like that.

shit shit shit shit shit.

i keep drawing a blank when she asks me where the hope is supposed to come from. how am i supposed to face this with her?