I don't even think I am mad. I might just be hurt. Shattered. How could he do that? I wasn't really expecting anything except the Ale-8 that I brought to celebrate 2 years, we really don't have the money, he's not a big gift giver anyway.... but, I have to hit apple+v a thousand times a day because HE spilled OJ on the keyboard. And right now it hurts every single stinking time I want to type a c, the memory.... at least he hasn't used the computer since so I don't have to wonder what web address might I accidentally paste? Happy anniversary huh?
What was he thinking to just leave that site there? For me to find the first time I wanted to type a c. and why did I have to say anything? I could have just pretended. What did I do wrong? I know I have a part in this too... I'm too skinny. I'm always angry, depressed, needy. I nag and argue in public. I am not respectful or appreciative enough. I was always bugging and taking pictures of him. Should we have had more sex? Better sex? The dishes are dirty. The bedroom needs vacuumed. I’m the one who installed stumbleupon. (SERIOUSLY that is the first thing he said when I asked him. "Stumbleupon is dangerous!?" no show of shame or apology!!! Maybe I am just a little mad) he had to make his own coffee yesterday morning. I went to bed without him last night...he even told me I should wait up with him. Did he know he was warning me?!? what if I didn't do those things? what if just changing one would have made a difference.
I talked to him just the other week.. About selfishness and impulse control and trustworthiness and my snickers bar. And I trusted him anyways.
I didn't want to bring what my dad did into this relationship. I forgave my dad, my mom forgave my dad and so I trusted him. I didn’t look over his shoulder out of distrust just bored curiosity, a desire to be connected. I never looked at the browser histories. (I still haven't. fear this time not trust.) It took a lot of work and prayer to get there. Does he not know that? Can I get back?
And now all the questions. Just one site? Just one time? How long is not in awhile? On MY computer before this? Just looking? Or more. I can't even contemplate more. I don't even want the answers.