Monday, November 19, 2007

Five Minutes To Never

Posted by Anonymous.

The wineglass is at my side. I've had some already. Here is my deepest
darkest secret, the one that will make you hate me.

I am 48 years old and I have never had a boyfriend.

Not one. Not even close. Not like guys were asking and I said no.

No matter how bad your situations are, I hear you thanking God you're not me.

I've never been loved, never been in a relationship. In fact I can
think of precious few occasions that could even have been called
dates. I've had sex with six or seven people in the past 28 years,
depending on how you define sex. Most of these were one or two times.

The older I get, the more I keep thinking about never having had a
boyfriend, but then I look in the mirror and see the cellulite and
sagging and wrinkles, well, it is clear that if the window of
opportunity for getting a boyfriend hasn't closed, it will very soon.
I couldn't get one even when I was young and hot, and here I am now
five minutes to never. Which is why I can't stop thinking about it
now, but I have no idea what to do about it or if it is even possible
to do anything.

Why? is the question I have been asking myself my entire adult life.

You don't know me, so let me say I am not a total loser (total losers
have boyfriends) though my face is ugly. I am not fat and am tall,
blond, blue-eyed, and very fit. I do not smell and I don't have three
hands. In some ways I am like many other adults. I have supported
myself since age seventeen, graduated from college, bought a house,
invested, raised a child (from a one night stand) by myself, have
written books, do public speaking, dress well, drive a car, travel,
enjoy lots of sports and when you meet me you don't say "What the hell
is wrong with her?"

It's as if I am a radio that works perfectly well but can't tune in
one frequency that all other radios get. That frequency is sexual
relationships. Since about age 20, I have thought of myself as
asexual. That doesn't mean I don't want sex or physically can't have
it---I've had painfully passionate sexual attractions to men all this
time and still do
It means that I lack completely sexual attractiveness and competence.
This is so even though in my day I had an absolute killer body (and
have the photos to prove it) and the remnants of it are still visible.
It takes much more than a perfect body to have relationships---in
fact, I'm not sure the body is that important. Why have I never had a

Here are my theories:

1) My face is quite unusual, if not ugly. It is decidedly
asymmetrical. The two sides don't match at all. My nose is large and
decidedly crooked but more, my entire face is crooked. Eyebrows aren't
level, mouth and chin are lopsided, etc. At 17 I had a failed
rhinoplasty which did give me a kind of placebo effect for a while. I
felt more attractive and become much more outgoing. I did meet a lot
of men back then. I tried my heart out to get a boyfriend at that time
of my life when I was in college and at my most attractive, and
failed. (In other words, if the problem wasn't my face, it should have
been solved then.)

There is a lot of scientific research about facial symmetry and how
humans are hardwired to look for it in sex partners and mates (without
even being aware of it). It may be that the marked facial asymmetry
simply repels people, sending the unconscious message that I am not in
the category of a possible sex or relationship partner.

I am considering plastic surgery which, this late in life, would have
to include a face lift. At best it could straighten my nose but there
is no way to make my whole face symmetrical. If I don't have the
surgery, how will I ever know if my fact is the insurmountable
obstacle to ever having a boyfriend? Wouldn't it be tragic to never
have a boyfriend if only about $6000 of surgery could get me one?

2) It is possible I have the equivalent of Aspergers (high level
autism). I never learned the social skills most other adults learn in
high school, since I pretty much spent those years hiding in the
bathroom and never talking to anyone. I find that for the most part,
people just don't like me, and in order to have any kind of human
relationships at all I have to work very hard, and still have little
to show for it. The fact that I have never ever had a job where I
worked with people, and so don't meet anyone, doesn't help. Mostly
when I try to make friends they don't last very long. The effort I put
it is not enough and the other person is not willing to make the
effort to sustain the relationship. After all, it's hard when you
don't have any opportunity to interact with people spontaneously and
must make appointments to do so. The problem may be less that I can't
get a boyfriend than that I lack the social skills and/or strength of
personality to get any friends at all. (I don't have much in the way
of personality, I admit. I have many good qualities, but they're all
under the surface and it takes a long, long time for people to see
them, and furthermore they're the kind that make people admire you,
not like you. But hell, don't other women with no personalities get

In case this is the main problem, I have contacted an Asperger's
therapist and will look into seeing if it is possible to learn basic
social skills at age 48. It's less that I believe in Asperger's or
think I "have" it than a practical strategy: where else will you find
someone to teach you social skills? If this worked, I wouldn't need
plastic surgery. But what if I need both?

3) I have asked people who know me well (both back in my 20s and
today) if they can explain why I can't get a boyfriend. The most
common answer, by far, is that I send out "vibes" which keep men (and
lesbians) away. No one has been able to give me specifics. I don't
know what I can do about possible "vibes" I am not aware of sending!
Other answers: I am cold; I am "unhuggable." I was actually shocked
when I was told this. Is it possible to be so unaware of something
about yourself that is obvious to the rest of the world? And if
you're so unaware, how can you change it? And even if you are aware,
if you don't know the reason you give that impression, how can you
change it?

4) There may be no reason at all. I never had a boyfriend because it
just didn't happen. Is that possible?

I am so confused. Maybe I have been misled by Hollywood screenwriters
and there are plenty of other perfectly normal 48-year-old women who
have never had a boyfriend and never will. I have been made to feel
like a freak, like I am the only person in the world in this
situation; but is this true? How can I find out? If there are others
like me, how would I find them? Is there somewhere I can look this up?

Is it not having a relationship that is so troubling, or feeling like
a freak? But how can I know when I have never had a relationship and
don't even know what it's like?

Do I really want a boyfriend because I want one, or because I have
been made to feel that a relationship is the central, defining,
critically important experience for any human being to have, and that
without one you are not fully human? Come on, you cannot breathe in
this culture, cannot turn on your TV or go to the movies or read
anything without feeling the constant pressure to be sexual. And from
Disney movies onward, the message is drummed home: Love is the most
important thing in life.

I would hate to go to my grave without ever experiencing the most
important part of life. If it is indeed the most important, I should
do everything in my power to get it before it's too late, no matter
what the cost. At least that's what Sleepless in Seattle and every
Hollywood movie ever made tells me. How can I separate out what I
really want and what the culture relentlessly pressures me to want?
How can I want something I've never had?

At the very least, I am so-o-o-o-o-o-o curious about what it is like
to be in a relationship.
And I want to have sex again before I die. I can't tell you how much I
want that. I think about sex constantly. I've gone as long as 13 years
without it. It sure doesn't seem bloody likely it will happen again at
my age with my cellulite (formerly great) ass.

What should I do? Is it possible to learn how to get a boyfriend at
48, or should I just give up and accept that I am not a sexual person?
(There would be some relief, and integrity, in that.) How can I know
why I never had a boyfriend? Am I just plain too old to be even
thinking about men anyway? How can I stop? The only way I can think of
that I could ever be at peace would be if someone came up to me and
said I was not alone, that X% of women never have even one boyfriend
in their entire lives and that it is OK and normal. Even if it was
only, say, 10% of all women, I would not feel like the onliest,
loneliest one. But there is no such person who can tell me that!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Wal-Mart: A Rant

Posted by HopeRadio.

I went to Walmart tonight.

I hate Walmart.

I hate the lights.

I hate the oblviousness you see in the eyes of people as they shop.

I assume they are thinking the same thing.

I assume, given they are not looking out of watchful eyes-- only glazed over ones, they have succumbed to hating Walmart a long time ago and have given up so...why fight it?

I try to go in to this store at a good clip. As if by bringing up a full head of steam, my chances of not coming out of there a pod will be greatly increased.

I steel myself in the parking lot, grab a cart and bless myself. Well sometimes I bless myself. Other times I scan the parking lot for the cars of people I least want to run into...this step varies and is dependent on my level of sleep deprivation, prolactin and other hormonal fluctuations brought on from hitting 40 soon. No matter the digression, I contend Walmart is the most likely place to run into people you least want to run into. It's some sort of universal truth.

Another universal truth about Walmart is that at Walmart I always see the same things.

Women screaming at their children with bulging eyes. Demanding that they "get over here right now!" Said children walking over and from their expression simultaneously wondering why they are being called stupid for not getting over THERE fast enough. Who walks up to a bulging eyed, madwoman for the imminent smack, willingly? That would, but not nearly as stupid as the same maniac showing the love in front of 15 or 20 people assuming the whole time their invisible button is switched to ON.

I pass children in baby carriers screaming for their mothers, who with one hand mindlessly pat their foot, telling them "oh, you're alright" while with the other debate between the three pak of Irish Spring
or the six.

I wait behind people from church who stop in the middle of the aisle to talk about their Dillon or Courtney and why they are never going to leave the house or get out of jail or take care of their children as well as they do.

I pass racks of girls children's clothes which suggest that the age for general prostitiution has been lowered--a decision reached by some mysterious, unposted consensus and collectively forwarded to Walmart buyers.

When in Walmart I don't look up.


I am absolutely certain should I ever actually risk it, I will see the no hack dementors they have hired at a bargain outta Azkhaban to swoop around and suck the life out of people when they least expect it. I would bet the only problem HR had was getting them to wear the blue vests.

You can sell ANYTHING to the soulless.

Inevitably, no matter what pace I start the shop, it is a very short time in before the very air in that place starts soaking into my skin, wieghing me down.

Then there is checkout.

Just in case the dementors don't get you, Wallyworld architects leave the checkout lane all buffed up super duper and ready to recieve anyone on the brink of stuffing a feeling with candy or in sore need of escape from whatever bit reality they have managed to hang onto,"Holy crap is Brittney looking fat or what???Damn... I can't believe she actually lost her kids!!" As a matter of fact not only can it be a nice escape for some, but that kinda shit does much for self esteem.

I call checkout time my lala time only I don't stick my fingers in my ears. I also don't look at the flat screen tvs which discuss the merits of Slim Fast or at the big boxes of honey buns conveniently flat packaged so they can be slammed under a seat or bed to be binge eaten at a later time.

I concentrate instead on the people around me.

I make up stories in my head about who they are, I organize my crap on the belt and ready a check-- anything to convey how ready I am to get the hell outta there. I do whatever I have to do to avoid looking up and to keep from soaking up too much Wallyworld lest the dementors take a liking to me.

Monday, November 05, 2007


Posted by Anonymous.

For a flirty girl, I never felt very pretty. I was one of those girls that was just sort of there, friendly to everyone; never a threat to the other girls, because the boys never really considered me as dating potential. I wasn't ugly, but being good looking was an afterthought (as in "Oh, she's such a sweetie, and she's really funny. Is she pretty? Yeah, I guess she is. I hadn't really thought about it")

I met my husband when I was 20, and was just coming off of a really bad time in my life. We've been together through job searches/changes/losses, through health scares (mental and physical). We've had over ten years of marriage, three children, the buying and selling of two houses. He still makes my heart jump when I see him in a tuxedo, and he likes the way I look in my low rise jeans since I made a decision that I needed to start exercising more.

But there's this guy at work. I thought the initial attention was what I had seen so much of in high school and college- more of the joking flirting that happens when both parties don't actually expect anything to develop for real. But after a few drinks together at a conference, he told me that he was willing to take things wherever I wanted them to go. Whether I wanted to leave it at a few cocktails when we were two time zones away from the office, or whether I wanted to take it to another level. And, then at least, I was too taken aback to even consider the options.

And more than a year has passed. We've had happy hours where we've barely spoken two words because there were so many people nearby. We've had highly charged chats where the only thing holding us back from making contact was the fear of someone walking into the cubicle. A few weeks ago, we ended up at a co-worker's party, each of us alone (his wife and my husband both declined to attend due to work commitments, but encouraged each of us to go on our own and have fun.) We left the party as part of a small group, but lingered together for awhile before parting company, and we went out for drinks last week, just us, to a bar near the office, but in the opposite direction from the regular haunts. He's put the offer on the table, if I want it, that we can go away overnight and he will take care of the details under whatever cover story I want to use. But I'm not there.

The reason I need to get this out, the things I can't say on my own blog, have nothing to do with needing advice about what to do. Because, seriously, I know how much I have to lose and what I can't do. What I need to pour out is my frustration, my anger, and my disappointment that no matter what happens now, things have changed. It was flattering to have someone find me attractive just because. Not attractive, despite having given birth three times. Not attractive with the strings of having taken care of him when he's sick and supported him in his career. Just attractive. Period. For a couple years, there have been people who hinted at us having chemistry between us. But because there is that chemistry, we have to avoid each other. The interactions I have with other people in the office, the jokes and the smiles and such, can be perceived differently now. So, whether I do something that could damage my marriage or whether I don't, I've lost a friendship because of what it might look like.

And that is a bigger blow to my self-esteem that being the "not pretty" girl ever was.