Friday, February 18, 2011

How Did We Get Here?

Posted by Anonymous.

I honestly don't know how it came to this, but deep down inside I always knew this day would come. When I first met you, I couldn't stand you after seeing you every day and I broke it off. A month later I remember driving down the freeway from my friend's house and passing the exit to get off for your work. I called you, and because your such a sweetheart you called me back and agreed to meet.

The minute I saw you that Thursday, February 2nd I then understood how they described love at first sight, but in this case, I had already seen you. But the notion of love at first sight still applied at that point. I remember you took me out to my favorite deli, and we sat in the back of my car and I was in tears because I knew I loved you, and it took some convincing but you agreed to give me that one chance. We spent the rest of the afternoon and night in the back of your mother's jeep (you had crashed and totaled your car) sharing the most passionate kisses I've ever experienced. I wasted no time in hinting I wanted you for mine, and you asked me, and I said yes.

But yet we've grown so much since then in the 2 and a half years (exactly yesterday) we've been together. We've loved and fought , moved out together and through hard times you had to move in with my parents and me . I can't help but feel responsible for the pain and rejection they give you...but I've always loved you for doing it for me, just so that I can survive in this hell hole. All the memories you've given me, I couldn't have asked for such a turn around in my life the minute I said yes to your question. You've supported me ever since I've been financially unstable. You've comforted me in the worst of times in the worst of my depression spells. You stand up for me even though I never gave you enough credit when you did, and even when i always got mad at you for not doing it enough. You fit me like the piece of the puzzle that has always been missing.

I am bipolar. I was molested for many years in my life by my real father, and my brain dealt with the trauma by blocking it out, so I only figured out why I'm so damaged by the time I was 16, and a year later I met you . I'm sorry I'm so damaged, I'm socially awkward, I have manic episodes and depression spells, and like I mentioned earlier, I knew eventually your patience and kindness would wear out, and it did. We've fought so hard and sometimes every day for a week or two , but this is different. When you left me that letter on the screen of my laptop last night, I flew outside and by that time you were gone, and I felt empty, like this time might be THE time it's over.

I've always been of the opinion that once you hit rock bottom there's only one way out, and that's up. Every time it gets bad it gets longer before it gets like that again. I was silly to believe anyone could bear the fighting and still come out kicking to save "us". I've always told you I'd fight until I was dead to make things right, and when I was driving you home after you agreed to come back to talk, I told you I wouldn't be able to sleep at all because after a fight I need to lay in your arms while you kiss my forehead and we soak up each other's forgiveness and apologies. You told me to wait in the car when we got to your grandma's house, and I waited for 10 min while you brought all your stuff from my house into your old room. You came out and got me and brought me into your room, and turned the lights off. You lay me down, and said " well you did tell me that you like me to hold you after a fight..." and I almost burst into tears that that was some sort of sign that you might just still want to make it work.

I am 20 years old now. I've been with you for 2 and a half years and yesterday was the day it was exactly that much time. But what did we do? We got into the biggest fight we've been in, in over a year. We didn't even realize what day it was. How did we get here? How can we both have tried so hard yet it came to this? Last year we made plans to get married, we even went to the department to get a marriage license, but you forgot your wallet. We were going to go back, but I would lose my insurance if I tied the knot with you, so we decided to wait. Would you have given me more chances if we had married? Sometimes I wonder about that, wonder about how a relationship is so incredible but while the light of the candle is dying, some people just decide to put it out. I decide to dig into the wax to make a longer wick for the fire to burn more brightly.

I love you .

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

How Did I Get From There To Here?

Posted by Anonymous.

Even as I write this I don't know if I will post it. How can I put this out there amidst these beautiful blogs written eloquently and with style. Once upon a time I wanted to be a writer. I think, just because I loved to read so much. Then I had children and they sucked out my brain. I don't know who I am or what I am doing anymore.

How did I get from there to here? A little girl with dreams and ambitions, thinking I could conquer the world. Now reduced to picking Chihuahua poop off of the floor, because my daughter moved 600 miles away and left her "Christmas gift" from her ex-boyfriend with me. She is living the life I wanted and dreamed of while I break my back to pay off the 4,000 I had to borrow from the bank to get her out of jail because she was rebellious and was with the people I told her not to be with. Now the charges have been dropped and she moves on, but I'm left holding the debt.

I'm left picking up the pieces of a marriage and a household that has been through more traumatic events in the past year than most people face in a lifetime.

My grandmother dying of cervical cancer.

A month later my 17 year old daughter being arrested and facing 20 years in prison just 2 days after my twentieth wedding anniversary. We were supposed to go do something fun, because we had never had a wedding or a honeymoon, but instead we spend all our money bailing her out of jail, so she won't get put in general population with who knows what. Then she has the balls to sneak out of the house the next night, and I fight her for the next three months before she meets the man of her (and my) dreams and she moves out of the house. Thank God for C. He changed her life for the better!!!!!!

Three months after she moves out my husband has a mid-life crisis and quits his job of 11 years. A good job with insurance and retirement and decent pay. He gives up 10 days of twelves with six days off in between to be a truck driver spending a month away from home at a time. He then spends the next four months quitting and going back. Not brining home any income. We're talking 1,500 in ten months. In the meantime all of his 401 k money is used up on monthly bills, because he can't make up his mind what he wants to do and I'm jealous, because I wanted to run away and he beat me to it.

I find out 2 days before graduation that my daughter is actually going to get to graduate by the skin of her teeth, because she could not find it in her to get up and go to school That was a fight all freaking year. I'm exhausted, but it's over.

Then in June the elementary school gets a new principal who wants to hold my 12 year old dyslexic son back and make him repeat the 6th grade. Everyone else will be gong to junior high and we will be stuck with the idiot math and science teacher that we have had for the past two years and were counting the days until we could get away from them. My son already asks me why he is stupid. We fought for 2 years with this math teacher. He threw up almost every morning last year before her class and I can't go through that again. We are still fighting that battle and school starts in 3 weeks. Wish us luck. But I'm tired.

Now, all the 401k money is gone and my husband has not given me money.... ever. I only make 2,000 doing a job I never really thought I would be doing and our bills are 4,000 a month. Now my house and my business are on the line and it is not looking good. He has never helped me with anything anyway, so I don't know why I'm still married, except that I do care for him. God only knows why. He's great at holding the couch down when he's home, and that's about it. Oh yeah, and he calls Me the day after I tell him we are probably going to lose the house and tells me he backed into someone in his semi and we now have to pay a 210 fine. Like we have any money.
Then my 21 year old son gets pulled over a block from my house and gets a DWI and spends the night in jail. My friend the dispatcher calls me from the sheriff's office so I can walk the block to my pickup and drive it home, but I can't hear the phone in the bedroom at 2 in the morning so they tow it thirty miles and we have to pay 230 dollars to get it out of impound because it's the only vehichle we have running because my van broke down and I can't afford to have it fixed BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS A DOUCHE.

The next day a classmate I graduated with was driving drunk and killed himself and a family of four in a horrific head on collision, and I thank God it was not my son. I pray for his mother who is a customer of mine, his sisters who are friends of mine and for the family of the people he killed.

I'm a good person. I am very sweet and loving, which could be part of the problem. How did I get here? How did I make the transition rom being a bright girl with her whole life before her to being 38 and sitting in the middle of all this funk? I am now officialy white trash. Two of my children have been arrested. What the hell? Where did it all go wrong? I think I need to grow a spine. Can I borrow one, because I damn sure can't afford to buy one.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

What Would You Do If I Told You I Loved You

Posted by Anonymous.

This all started 20 years ago I met a cocky big mouth extremely good looking guy that I had watched grow up before my eyes into a startling handsome man we dated a few times and I spent a lot of time at his parent's house (where he lived at the time) me and his mom were best friend's if you can believe that she always' said me and her son would get married. And then thing's would start to happen I guess I would get to clingy or I would run outta money and off he would go with someone older usually with her own house and she would support him and I would turn to whoever was available to fill the void I did it with my first marriage and I'm doing it with my second.

All of this just recently came about a couple of month's ago we found each other on Facebook then we started texting each other or should I say sexting we stayed up all night swapping pictures and he said he couldn't talk anymore he had to have me so we made plans to meet and I swear I was a nervous and a virgin on prom night. We met on a Friday he had drove down from a different state not to far from mine and it was like instant chemistry we couldn't keep our hands off of each other he's like heroin to me and when I don't get it from him I hurt. Well that was April 30th although I have talked to him at least twice a week via texting I always' ask the same question when are you coming back down to see me and his response is always' I'm real busy at work but can you send me some nude pictures of yourself and of coarse I always' get an I love you.

For awhile there I was thinking about kicking my current husband out because we've become more like roommates then man and wife even though he treats me like a queen and is a great father to our 2 kid's I just don't love him the way I love the other guy and I never will I consider him my first love and my only true love.

I asked him the other night what would you do if I told you I loved you and wanted to only be with you and he said I would tell you I love you with all my heart to but your married and I'm engaged and I said yea well marriages and engagement's end all the time. But I'm coming to realize that he doesn't want to stray to far from this new much older then me girlfriend she must have money she bought him a car and just this weekend he said he was going to go pick up a boat and I know she's paying for it all so he's got him a sugar momma and I can't compete with that. Well I guess that's all of my rant now I'll sit here for at least a couple of hour's just in case he besides to text me yea I'm pathetic I know every night I swear I'm not gonna text him first but I always' wind up doing it anyway I think I'll just go ahead and get sucker tattooed across my forehead and get it over with.

Signed Anonymous