The Reality Of The Affair, Redux

Posted by Anonymous. (Follow-up to The Reality Of The Affair.)

It's been nearly two and a half years since I wrote the post about "the reality of the affair." I just reread it and all the comments before gathering my thoughts to write this next one. I've often reflected in my mind back to the comments I received after that original post so I wanted to have a fresh look again. This one in particular made me giggle, "You're probably not that special." One of the more profound things I've learned in the last three plus years is what I'm worth.

I followed through and left my then husband about three months after that first post. He took it well but there were some moments that were harder than others. The best part about all of this is he has become a better person and a better father. Without me to pick up all his slack he has had to step up and has found that being a great dad is really his thing. He's had a couple of girlfriends but at the moment is just focusing on himself. We're friendly and I care deeply about him. He is the father of my children and I want him to find the happiness he deserves.

My kids are amazing. They never once asked if dad and I would be getting back together. They never once expressed any concern at all about their future. My ex and I have made it a priority to act like adults and to ensure that our children are secure and happy and know they are the most important thing. They have also seen both of us take this time and discover true happiness. I have instilled in them that they are worth everything and they deserve to be happy just like we all do. In discovering my own value I have taught my children to believe in theirs.

About the other man. He started counseling and began on his own journey of self-discovery. He began to seriously evaluate what it was he wanted and needed and where his own priorities were. We continued our relationship into the summer of 2008 at which point he began to wonder if he would be able to ever find the courage to battle the emotional drama that would come from leaving his wife. It was during that summer that I let him go to discover what it was he wanted and needed in his life. It was a very difficult thing to follow through with - but I knew it was the right thing. I knew he had to know for his own sanity for certain that he could either never be happy with her or without me. I kept in touch with him but we did not see each other for well over a year. That all changed this summer when he came to me a free man, self-assured and ready to pursue a life where he can be truly happy.

Those who've never experienced this will never understand that the road to get here was about courage and righting the wrong decisions we made when we were younger. There is no shame in changing your mind and although marriage ought to be for life, for many of us we made that commitment much too young to even know who we are or what we would want. We both went to individual counseling to determine what it was we wanted in our lives. We both have children who are happier now that we are happier. Marriage isn't something that can bind two people together in paper only. You have to connect emotionally and spiritually in order to make a marriage last forever.

As for the cute little catch phrases like "If he'll do it with you he'll do it to you" I don't worry about that at all. This was never about a cheap thrill. There was no 'fog' over the last four years. We've been through more reality than most couples ever see and we always come out stronger. When your relationship is born through commitment and motivation to be together NO MATTER WHAT then you know what you have and you are unwilling to lose it.

So just remember the next affair you hear about may not just be an asshole and a whore looking for something fun on the side. Sometimes you meet the perfect person at the imperfect time. Some people are worth it and some people are willing to do whatever it takes to be together.

Don't You Want Me?

Posted by Anonymous.

To my husband:

I never imagined that this would happen. I never imagined that I would be in a marriage where I wanted sex more than my husband. I never imagined that YOU would lose interest in sex, considering how insatiable you were before we got married. But when we got married, it was like a switch got flipped inside you, and everything suddenly changed. The sex on our honeymoon was awkward and flat. I attributed it to being tired, but to be honest I was filled with fear because something just didn't feel right. I actually wondered if I had just made a big mistake. For the first few months, we had sex 2 or 3 times a week at the most - which is find I suppose, but hardly the sex-fest that many newlyweds experience. Pretty quickly it turned into 3 to 4 times a month. For the last year it has been more like one time a month, sometimes not at all. Do you have any idea how humiliating it feels to know that in less than two years of marriage, my husband already doesn't want to have sex with me? You have recognized that this is not good, but you don't seem particularly eager to try to make it better.

You seem to attribute at least some of this problem to your promiscuity prior to our relationship. You say that sex has become completely detached from love in your mind, and that you can never see sex as something good and wholesome. And so I guess since sex between us is perfectly legitimate now, it has lost interest for you? If that is the case - shouldn't you get counseling or something to help you overcome that? Because it's obviously unhealthy. Maybe counseling won't help, but it would make me feel a little better if you would at least try! It really hurts to think that I have to pay now for the sins of your past.

But I am worried that this is not the whole story. At first I worried that there was a medical component. Lack of sex drive in a man can be a symptom for serious health problems. Well, you've been to a doctor, and both you and the doctor seem satisfied. But I'm not satisfied. I am not even convinced you actually talked to the doctor about it. I am hurt and I am filled with fear and insecurity.

When I brought this up the other night, you told me that you think do about our nonexistent sex-life too, but that you don't know how many of your thoughts to share with me because you are afraid they will hurt me. I told you not to tell me unless it would help the situation. You remained silent. And so now I am both maddeningly curious and yet terrified of what sort of thoughts you have been having. I am afraid that you are going to cheat on me. I am afraid that you haven't really lost interest in sex at all, but that you have just lost interest in it with me. I've even wondered if you are gay.

My self-esteem has always been fragile and broken. Imagine the constant and very tangible sense of rejection that I feel now! I used to try to initiate sex, but after being refused several times I can't do that anymore because its hurts too much. So now, every night I just have to hope that you will want to be intimate with me, and every night I fall asleep sad, our backs turned to each other.

I hate, absolutely loathe my body, partly because I am convinced that you are disgusted by me. Intellectually, I know this is bullshit. I recognize that I am about 15 pounds overweight, and that when we got engaged I was much more fit. I know that I should lose some weight and get healthier - these are reasonable things that I admit. But I don't look THAT bad. If your sexual attraction to me was so easily lost, then you are one superficial sonofabitch. For heaven's sake, I still desire you despite your physical flaws! And even if my body was perfect now, age would eventually take that away, so what then? My guilt and self-loathing is made worse by the behavior I resort to to deal with being sex-deprived. I indulge in sexual fantasies - never involving you - and maturbate just to relieve the tension. But then I am left feeling digusted and humiliated. My self-esteem is completely shattered. I won't even let you see me naked anymore, not without some kind of covering and a whole lot of shame. I doubt you have even noticed, or even care.

This has all been hurtful enough as it is, but last night it got worse than I thought. Last night, you admitted that you have no desire to have kids with me. You said you might want to adopt someday, but that the thought of actually having kids holds no attraction for you. Oh yeah? Since fucking when?! When I was obviously shaken by your admission, you backpeddled and said you probably wouldn't feel this way forever. Probably? You are fucking 32 years old, just when do you PROBABLY think this desire will come back? You never gave me one inkling of this when we were dating and engaged. I was always under the impression that you most definitely did want kids with me. You have given me that impression in a hundred different conversations. So what changed?

I am starting to despair, wondering how to come to terms with the scary possibility that I am stuck in a sexless, childless marriage.

The crazy thing is, in every other way, our marriage is amazing. We talk and laugh, we share the same convictions and beliefs, we enjoy each other's company, we are affectionate and comforting to each other. I love you so much, and I miss you when you are not around! But for months I have had this constant sadness and fear pressing on my heart, and I wonder how long I can live with it? Will the sadness eventually go away, or will it grow until it devours our marriage? Part of me thinks I am over-reacting, that I just need to give it time. But what if nothing changes? What if it can't be fixed? I don't want to wait until it is too late. Aren't men supposed to want sex all the time? Why do I feel like I am the one with the problem, like I am some kind of sex-obsessed slut for actually wanting to have sex with you? Should I just be able to get over this and move on?

I feel so ridiculous and alone.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Posted by Anonymous.

It's depressing to me that what feels like the most important decision I will have made up to this point in my life can be reduced to some stupid, cliched song lyrics. My husband and I have been together for more than a decade. We have an amazing two year old son. And more bad blood between the two of us than I care to think about most days. Our marriage got off to a rocky start, I'll admit, what with me attempting suicide a few months in and then again a year later. What can I say? I was young, and depressed, and felt trapped in the horror of feeling that the walls were continually closing in on me. I tried to kill myself, in part, because I thought my husband deserved better. Now, years and scores of pills and hours of therapy later, I look back on that time in our marriage and regret that I felt so utterly incapable of letting in my husband (or anyone else) even the tiniest bit. And I regret having ever put him through that mess.

Five years ago when he told me that my depression and emotional withdrawal from the marriage led him to have an affair, I cringed. I felt responsible. What was wrong with me? The fact that he waited to tell me about the affair until after we had planned a move across the country to be closer to (his) family eventually infuriated me. Cue the start of breeding resentment. And then, six months after we had moved across the country and he told me he was having another (emotional) affair with a coworker, the world slipped out from under me and I ran, no, sprinted head-on into the land of denial and workaholism. Maybe it was because my body was telling me, in a voice not unlike what I imagine a shrieking harpy to sound like, "You need to have a baby! Right now!" and having one with my husband seemed the most accessible option. Maybe it was because I couldn't imagine giving up on the years of history built up between us. Maybe it was because neither my family, nor his family "believe" in divorce, and I couldn't imagine shaming them by telling them I just wanted to give up. Maybe it was because I felt incapable of living on my own. Maybe it was because I was scared.

Not surprisingly, we had had sexual issues from the getgo. We had waited until marriage. Why, I don't know. Our honeymoon was one long disaster. I have always found sex uncomfortable at best and painful at worst, and not infrequently, would cry after intercourse because I felt as if something was being taken away from me. I know, I know, that sounds pretty fucked up right there. He wanted it all the time; I never wanted it. I was convinced (and he was convinced) there was something wrong with me. I had sex only out of a sense of obligation, and never really out of a sense of anticipation or enjoyment or intimacy. And then, after a long dry spell, he subtly pressured me to have sex. I can't really blame him for that. I understood that he had needs that weren't being met. I don't know if I can blame him for continuing to pressure me - "Come on, it'll be fine" - after I said no, it wasn't a good time. I know I blame myself for not standing up more strongly to him. Of course, I got myself good and knocked up. I was never really ambivalent about being pregnant. I knew from the moment I found out that I wanted the baby.

For a brief period, we got along better. We tried really hard. We stopped the constant arguing and forced ourselves to look forward to the oh-so-bright future. And then he told me that he was still in contact with the woman with whom he had had an emotional affair. That he was still attracted to her. He described the sex acts they had discussed. Even though something in me was screaming, "Get out! Get out! Get out!" the thought of being a single, graduate student mother flooded me with fear. So I stayed. I have tried to forgive him, but I can't. I have told myself I need to live with the consequences of my actions that led to my (wonderful, brilliant) son being conceived. I thought that meant staying with my son's father and "working it out." I thought it meant providing my son the perfect nuclear family. I thought it meant swallowing my pride and self-respect and getting on with life.
But now I just don't know. I went through a horrifying postpartum depression and have emerged from the other side. Emotionally, I'm still a thousand miles away from my marriage. I cringe inwardly every time my husband touches me. I don't feel attracted to him. I've stopped sharing things with him. We haven't had sex since our son was conceived. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm exhausted.

Last weekend, the issues in our marriage, sexual and otherwise, came to a head once again, as they tend to do when even the strongest denial is insufficient to fill in the gaping cracks in our relationship. He shared his frustration that I won't touch him. He told me "We need to do something about this. I can't ignore this need forever." In my head, I agree, yes, we need to do something about this. In my heart, I feel sick about the idea of touching him. He told me that he thinks I need to touch him, even if it is uncomfortable for me. Even though he took it back later, a part of me flew away and started singing a high-pitched tuneless tune when he said that. I can't live with that expectation, I told myself. I can't live with that expectation, I told him.

I spend most of my time feeling utterly numb. In the moments when I touch the despair in our relationship, I feel like I cease to exist. I want to make this all his fault. Outwardly, I do. But inwardly, I keep chanting, What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? I look at our son and think How can I shatter his world with a divorce? And I think How can I keep living this nonexistence in his presence? And I sit here, paralyzed.

Can't Say No

Posted By Anonymous

I am not a whore.

I don't get paid.

What I am is 30, newly single and unable to say no to anyone. I have a man that I've been dating non-exclusively who is falling harder all the time and I could see myself falling madly in love with him, as well. I also have my Monday night date that entails sex and some general chatter afterwards. I have my 23 year old who I'll spend hours and days in bed having mind-blowing sex. I have my military boy that comes home on occasion for dinner and a blow-job. I have the one who wants it bad, but I just haven't found the time. I have the girls who are vying for our first dates and I'm desperately trying to fit them in, as well. And not one of them knows about the others.

I don't understand this part of me. It's been like this since I was a teenager. When I am with someone in an exclusive relationship, I'm loyal-- fiercely loyal to the point of not even thinking about anyone else. When it's just me? I want as much as I can get, as often as I can, I want to sample everything. It feels almost dirty. Something shameful I have to hide from my friends and family. I want to say it's because I'm a sex-positive female who's in charge of her own sexuality.

In reality, I think it's low self-esteem and self-loathing.

I could care less about the talking to them afterwards or maintaining any sort of connection to them later. Better that I don't get attached. That hot boy isn't going to love me, he's just going to want what I can give him better than anyone else has. And so I want to keep giving it to him. Maybe someday he'll want more or realize how good he has it with me. Most likely he'll move on to someone prettier, someone smarter, someone skinnier, someone lovable.

The Facade

Posted by Anonymous.

We have been married for nearly 15 years.

We stopped having sex 10 years ago, right after the baby was born.

You were dishonest with me.

You used me.

You married me because you wanted to have a child.

You knew that I was scarred from my divorce and the distance from my oldest child.

You knew I wasn't the kind of man who would walk away from his own child.

I know that you like me. I know that you are fond of me. I know that you might have some feelings of love for me... but the truth is that you don't really respect me.

Do you know, or would you even care if you knew, that I get sex elsewhere? Probably not.

You know... in blogland, most people think that I have the greatest life. I should be more honest with the people that read me... but I guess I am as dishonest with them as you have been with me. We have a nice home. We have nice, responsible, respectable jobs. We are active in our church and community. We take family vacations and smile in the pictures.

We are full of shit.

You may be happy with all of this, but I'm not.

It's 7 A.M. on Sunday... and in two and a half hours, I'll be at church, teaching Sunday school... I haven't been to bed yet. I don't know what to do. I just don't. I am fucking miserable.

When our child graduates from high school in eight years, she will be going off to college. When she leaves, I'm leaving, too. I gave you the best years of my life, and as much as I still love you, deep down, I hate you for it... but, you probably don't care about that, either.

Like a ten year old boy with an anthill and a magnifying glass...

Posted by Anonymous.

I really need to hone my powers for good rather than evil, but where would the fun in that be?

I am a... I am...

How do I say this diplomatically?

I am a flirt.

I think you know this about me. You see it in my eyes as they peel the wife beater off of your oh so tanned, sweat beaded chest. I run my mental fingernails down your arms, all knotted and muscled from the manual labor you've been working so hard at (unaware that I've been watching every. stroke. of your hammer and each ropelike tendon as it rippled under your skin) and it gives me a cheap thrill to see your Adam's apple bob as you swallow sharply, realizing that I really AM eye raping you right here in front of God and everybody. And I am not shy about it. I stare at you, daring you to stop me, shivering as I imagine your calloused hands touching me. It would take so little. I let you know this when you look at me with your puppy dog eyes by dropping mine as though I did not want you to catch me looking at you in such an intimate way. You squirm uncomfortably as you realize that you can have me this way, but ONLY this way. One word of acknowledgement, one question verbalized, one physical touch and it all comes to a screeching halt. You don't want that any more than I do, do you? Otherwise, why would you seek me out like this? You want to play my little game. You want me to want you in the way my eyes say that I do. You know that I enjoy toying with you, and that if it was not you it would be someone else. Not because I need to, but because I can.

I am evil.

What I Am, What I Never Was

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm a lesbian. Did you know I was? Can you tell? I have the perfect life to you, to everyone. But I'm not perfect or at least not to you or my husband or to my child. I'm a lesbian and no one knows but you. I love someone I can never have and am loved by someone who will never receive the full love he deserves. My whole life is a mess. It's all a lie and why? Because of you. Your judgment, your need to control, your love.

I want you to be proud of me. I want you to accept me. I resent you and yet worship you. I tell you you're the one that needs help but I need help.

Mom, I'm not what you want me to be. I never was.