Scared

Posted by Anonymous.

My husband is a loving, caring person, who spreads himself very very thin to try and provide for everyone who more or less depends on him: myself, his daughter, his sick father, his family, work.

A few weekends ago we started talking about this daughter, as she is going through a phase of crying for just about anything, and doing a lot of emotional blackmail to get attention. She is six and when she is with us she is the center of attention, as she is only with us 4 days a month. We try and make that time as enjoyable as possible, and we all get on great and have a good time together. However, the crying is there every day, for one thing or another, normally "small" things (like spilling her juice, or the sound of cars on the street making her afraid) that is, things that have always been there before but did not ensue tears till now).

During our talk, I realised for the first time that my husband is afraid of this ex-wife, for the simple reason that she has custody of their daughter, and that she has the power to hurt him (like she has done many times in the past). She constantly uses her priviledge to hurt my husband, as she knows his daughter means the world to him. She has done it before, even to the detriment of her own daughter's emotional health, so she can do it again. And he is becoming one of those divorced parents that I always criticised: saying Yes to everything and spoiling his daughter just so that the girl has nothing to say to her mum that could put his rights in jeopardy.

I have set limits to the girl as it's my life and my house as well, and she is a very good kid in general, she loves me dearly and as I said we get on very very well. But, as the father, my opinion is that he should be educating and preparing her for the world, and not spoiling her like he is, specially not due to fear that his ex will do something against him.

I just wish there was something I could do to help him in this situation but I don't see a way. It's a long way until his daughter is old enough to make her own decisions and to see through her mother's actions, and I'm not sure how he will manage this long-term.

And I also fear for how our (future) children might be affected by this. I don't agree with how he brings his child up and my children will be brought up differently, and I wonder if this will cause issues among the siblings.

I don't know anybody in my situation who I could talk to. I've read many books on the subject, but nothing has enlightened me so far.

I love him dearly and I want to help him if I can.

Another Baby, Not My Own

Posted by Anonymous.


A few weeks ago I found out my husband may have another child. He has two with me, both under 1 1/2 years old. I already know he had a son with someone else just before he met me and for a while we had visitation but now we don't. She took him away and we don't legally have a right to see him unless we go through the courts and we don't have the money.

However it has now come up that he may be the father of another boy who was born only a few months after his first son. The child does not live with his mom but is in the foster care and will become a ward of the state soon. The boy has two brothers as well but they are definitely not my husbands.

We will be having a paternity test done soon but the dilemma is what to do if he IS his son. As he already doesn't get to see one son, he doesn't want to lose another. However the boy has met us only once or twice and doesn't really know us (we were friends with the mom.) He's 3. They are going to try to keep all three boys together in the system but really, that doesn't happen too often. If we took him in, we of course would let him see his brothers but still. My main concern is how do we just take a 3 year old boy and say, "Hey, the guy you thought was your daddy isn't really your daddy. This is your real daddy and you are going to live with us now." Could a 3 year old really understand that?

Also we are really struggling financially with our two children. We use food banks and are behind on many bills. Would it be fair to bring in another child to a fairly poor lifestyle? We do own our home but still. He at least has clothes and toys and furniture already and we would get a bit of money from the city for him (baby bonus) but still. Plus in order to get custody of him, we have to get a lawyer and go to court to prove we can take good care of him. We can't afford a lawyer either and don't qualify for legal aid because we own our house.

Another concern is that I struggle with depression and since my husband works, it would be me who would be taking care of him. I get frustrated really easily with my two babies. Could I handle another child? We've been told he has behavioural issues, probably from being taken away and put back and taken away again from his parents. Plus we know he wasn't treated right, otherwise he wouldn't have been taken away.

There is a lot to think about and obviously none of this matter if it turns out he isn't my husband's son but it seems more likely that he is. What would you do?