Friday, November 27, 2009

Wanting To Erase The Past

Posted by Anonymous.

It all started when I was 17yrs old, one of those " summer flings ".... Jayce and I met and were best friends, he would drive 30mins at 12:00am just to be there to talk to me in person
(helping me with issues I had with my mom, as I did with his abuse issues with his father)
Slowly the intimacy started to occur. We were SO close yet so distant from each other at the same time... well needless to say after a couple of months of being together he was
"my first"... things slowly ended between us... I can honestly say I don't remember why. but they did.

About 5 months went by with out talking or seeing each other and I had a new boyfriend - Jayce contacted me from time to time ( personally I think it was to make sure I hadn't forgot about him, and OH how I wish I could have sometimes) we would make small talk, pointless conversations really.. I mean I was 17 - What ever would I have to say to a boy who took my V' away and just kind of vanished from my life... well the boyfriend and I broke up.
Jayce and I still occasionally text & called each other - always saying we needed to get together and for some reason it never happened. Well after about 3 more months went by I FINALLY accepted my best friend's brother's request to take me out, we dated, fell madly in love, moved in together.

THEN Jayce started texting again same old small talk, after a couple days I straight up told Jayce to stop texting/calling me. I was happy and if I wanted things to work out with my boyfriend I needed him to stop the pointless texting etc... it just didn't feel right. So he stopped, COMPLETELY stopped. I was relieved and at the same time so very distraught about the fact that I may never talk to him again.

The one who seemed to help me through so much, yet put me through so much at the same time. Mean while boyfriend and I got engaged and were trying to save for a this time we had lived together for about a year and a half.. ( our relationship got a little rocky,whole different story) so I got scared and I left. During our "break" I decided one day I needed to contact Jayce. I NEEDED him - after years of being with out him.. I needed him? Hoping he still had the same number, I text him " Hi ".. He replied instantly .. during the conversation via text he asked if I was married etc... I let him know what was going on and that I just broke off an engagement. Then it was my turn. "Are you married?" ... His reply was "yes" - my heart stopped, I couldn't breathe... it was intense.

I continued ..well I was just wanting to make sure you were alive and well , and to apologize for telling you to not contact me anymore- I've felt bad about it ever since.

Well the conversation went on and he called me later on to continue our conversation, after that day to day we would text back and fourth randomly. He calls me 2 days later, we talk he mentions that he would like to see me just to say hi etc.. knowing inside I shouldn't have gone I went anyways.

We met, talked for a second no physical contact ( even though when I saw him I just wanted him to hold me forever) the visit was brief, I had to head back to work. He calls me 2 mins after I left and said " that wasn't long enough, meet me by the lake." I go down there... we meet.. I tell him whats going on in my life ( the ex, family etc..) I simply start to cry because I realize what I have lost out on and what "could have been" He holds me , we talk more before you know it, it's 6:00pm. 6 hrs FLEW by.

We went our separate ways. Texts and calls continued to be exchanged between the two of us.

We end up meeting again, this time there was a little bit of physical intimacy... no intercourse. We leave , he calls me and we both agree not to see each other again.

Days go by, still contacting each other..we meet again, this time was innocent and only a short period of time. We continue to stay in touch. My Ex and I worked things out, got back together. Jayce still randomly contacting me as I am him.

We talk about random things, important things, petty things, our lives in general.
Months go by and the texts turn into " what we wish we could do" etc.. dirty conversations and what not. Well December rolls around and he wants to meet one day when I was leaving work, I say ok and we meet. we met, we had sex.
I felt as if it hadn't even really happened. He calls me the next day all I heard from him was
" I couldn't take it anymore, I told her everything, she doesn't know your name or anything. but she knows what happened. I'm sorry - this is not your fault. It takes two"

I reply with "OK".

That was that. He changed his number and we're done.

I got married 2 months later. Things are pretty tough for us right now (many reasons, again that is a whole different story.)

I think of Jayce day, night, eating, sleeping, working you name it.

This has always been the case .. since I was 17.. will it ever go away?

Will my feelings for him ever fade?

This has had a big effect on my marriage... physically,mentally EVERYTHING in so many different ways. I know you are thinking " This girl is messed up and should have gotten her shit together before getting married to someone" ... That's what I think too - however I can't imagine living with out my husband.

My husband does not know about this , he doesn't even know about Jayce - he has no idea... but he DOES wonder why I am the way I am .. ( depressed, not talkative, wanting to be alone, why I don't touch or kiss him very often)

I know your thinking , silly girl - we all have our first loves etc...

That's what I have always told myself and I will KEEP telling my self.. but it is getting worse and wearing me down. It's adding to the pile of stress that's already upon my shoulders .. I know I was digging myself a deeper grave when all of this occurred but I need it out of my head. I need to erase him.


Anonymous said...

Honestly, I think you need to tell your husband about it. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but he needs to know all of you for you to really let go of this and be close to him. He's your husband, the man you are going to be with the rest of your life, and he needs to know all of you. If you are honest and unreserved (just as you are in this post), he will forgive and understand you better than you ever thought possible (though I'm not going to lie, he will be hurt for a while). I have been through an affair, it is hell and so many things would have been easier if I had just been honest with myself and with my (now ex) partner. Affairs actually don't kill a relationship, but secrets and lies do. Once you open up about your entire history and feelings about Jayce to your husband, it will kill a lot of the excitement and that is what is fueling your fantasies. These feelings for Jayce will eventually fade if you tend your relationship with your husband, who you obviously love too. Best wishes, I really hope you work it out... been there myself.

Anonymous said...

This seriously made me cry. I have gone through the same thing with my ex from college. We dated for 4 years and he took my V too, I was madly in love with him but he had some issues and we split and got back together more times then I can recall. Then I met my current boyfriend and we fell in love instantly, probably too fast and during our 1 month break up I contacted my ex. He asked me to be his date for a wedding and I went, we had this passionate fling, talked for a few months after that and then he stopped talking to me. I got back together with my more recent love and things are amazing, but I still think about my ex constantly. I stalk him on facebook and can't get him out of my head. It kills me and I don't know how to make it stop.....

This is probably the closest to home ANY story on here has hit me....

Anonymous said...

I think you need to find a reputable counsellor or some kind of professional to talk to about why you're determined to sabotage your own life and happiness. And potentially drag someone (your husband) down with you. Seriously. You sound incredibly immature/scared about moving on and growing up ... and perhaps counselling can help you figure out 'why'.

Anonymous said...

I read this post yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since. I wanted so badly to comment because I hear you asking for help. I didn't want to comment until I had thought it through. I thoughts settled on the word "sabotage", I wanted to make a comment or pose to you a question about why you are sabotaging yourself, why are you punishing yourself. Then I saw the third comment above, Anonymous 12:41. I agree with and love the first 2 sentences by anonymous 12:41.

I guess it all boils down to this: how do you want to live your life? Do you want to be a functional person making good choices for yourself? Why do you create a pattern of bad decisions that sabotage you? For some people this happens with food, with other it happens with relationships. You deserve a good life BUT YOU have to make it happen. If living a good life is important to you then show that by your behaviour. I think this is more about your relationship with yourself than it is about the men involved. I would find a good counselor who can help you to become the person you want to be (a functional person who takes good care of themself, who makes decisions and behaves in a manner conducive to the goal of living a quality life). This life pattern you keep creating is one of drama and turmoil, may be drama and turmoil feel familiar to you so you re-create that feeling even if you don't really like that feeling. People often create circumstances that feel familiar over what feels functional. Get some help to articulate some goals and then every minute of every day choose behaviours that are consistent with those goals. Don't allow whim, intrusive thoughts or lust to run your life. You'll run your life off into the ditch.

I wish someone had helped me with this when I was in my 20's. Don't wait 20 years to figure this out. Get some help now.

I think you are brave. And I think you are observant. I think you just need some help to move forward to a more functional, comfortable life.

And, as for affairs making marriage better, I believe that is only true if the person who had the affair is truly contrite, realizes what they had in their spouse but had lost sight of and realizes that what they traded for in the affair partner was a mistake, was NOT as valuable as the lust chemicals in their brain tricked the into believing it was. I would be careful telling your husband that you are thinking about another man, obsessed with another man, I think your husband might have a deal breaker over that. Spouses usually only feel accepting of news that I thought I wanted that other person but I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I want you and only you and I am contrite and hope that you can forgive me.

Good luck to you as you move on to a higher quality of life. Don't deal with this on your own. It will be faster and easier if you get professional help. I do think it is about your relationship with yourself. People usually need help to accept that and to turn their life around so they don't go on for years and years leaving the same pattern of destruction behind them. Learn to love yourself and get help because you love yourself. YOU.ARE.WORTH.IT!

Anonymous said...

This post really resonated with me. I could have written this when I was in my twenties and when I was in my thirties, because it took me that long to get love figured out. I started off making classic mistakes in my first relationship (e.g. confusing sex with love, knowing I felt badly about the way he treated me but thinking, wishing he would change, overall feeling not that important to him but thinking that everything was okay because we were still having sex, wrongly thinking that he loved me because we were still having sex. And, I repeated that ill pattern with three long time partners (3, 3 year relationships, that is 9 years of my took me too long to figure love out. I want to help you to figure out love faster than that. That was not just time wasted but a self esteem killer for me)

I happened by another blog that addressed this very topic this weekend:

Very bad cat addresses this issue in her latest post; kudos to her for figuring this out and sharing it with the rest of us. Really, I think a lot of young women need to learn what love is and WHAT.IT.IS.NOT, in order to create a healthy committed relationship that makes you feel functional.

Here is what very bad cat wrote that I think speaks volumes on this topic, I hope she won't mind me sharing (copying and crediting her):

"Loving for the sake of loving is an exercise in narcissism. It isn’t about loving someone else, it’s about the way love feels. It is passive-aggressive instead of assertive. It is needy and desperate and knows no boundaries. The purpose of this kind of love is not to share life with another, but to make a life from loving another. It is not love, as much as it is possession." Damn straight very bad cat, damn straight.

She goes on, "Love built on the joy of loving won’t last." And, "True love is rooted in your respect, admiration, affection and attraction for the other person, and theirs for you." She continues "Possession doesn’t allow anyone enough breathing room to remain truly lovable."

Her first commenter, MsDarkstar , is correct too: "This can be a very important (and difficult) lesson to learn."


Anonymous said...


So here is my question: Why don't they teach us this stuff in school? I did not have a mother who was able to teach me this. (I'll leave her out of it. Let's just say I DID.NOT.LEARN.THIS.AT.HOME.) And, if there is ANYTHING I want to teach my children it is this very topic. How to create and recognize functional relationships. I think one way to tell whether a relationship is functional is to notice how you feel when you are with that person. Don't look at how he treats the waitress or how he treats his mother and expect that you know how he'll treat you. Look inside yourself, how do you feel when you are with him. It is about knowing yourself, having a functional relationship with yourself so that you make wise decisions for yourself. So many of us have to learn this the hard way, after lots of turmoil and seemingly needless self esteem assassination. I know I had to learn this the hard way, and so did a lot of my women friends. I will be eternally grateful to the friend who referenced this book to me: What Smart Women Know, by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Here is an excerpt: "No woman is born smart. There are 2 ways to get smart--the easy way and the hard way. Most smart women got smart the hard way, through first-hand experience. And, they have scars to prove it--painful memories of sleepness nights, tears, confusion, anger, self doubt, ANXIETY. Sure they learned about life, love, and relationships, BUT they paid a high price for their wisdom. We firmly believe there is an easier way for women to get smart--an easier way to acquire the kind of information needed to handle relationships wisely without having to go through the traumatic events that often accompany the acquisition of such knowledge. How? Simply by listening and learning from the experiences of other women. WISDOM without pain, UNDERSTANDING without heartache, INSIGHT without melodrama that's what this book is about. The smartest women know that getting smart doesn'!"

I didn't learn this at home. I have felt resentful of that fact because it took me so long to learn it elsewhere. Thank goodness I finally learned about this book and GOT.SMART. about relationships.

I want to send you a big hug and say it will get better. But, time passing alone does not heal anything. It takes work to overcome these types of problems. The problem is with your thinking, this book will help you figure it out. You can create a good life for yourself and you can create a fabulous, functional, committed relationship.

Take care and all the best to you. You are brave and you have insight. You just need to keep moving forward because living the way you are living is not the best think for you. I know you know that.

You can do it baby! There are greener pastures ahead if you choose them.

Anonymous said...

Dear Poster:
Don't erase the past, learn from it.

Dear HBM:
Thank you for creating and maintaining a place for people to help each other.

Hugs to both of you. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I am the one who wrote this post-
First off I would like to thank all of you for your advice & support you have taken the time to give. I have honestly been reading these replies over and over and over again, trying to take everything and anything in to consideration.
Dear Anonymous " 7:13am" -I have thought and tried to work up the courage to tell my husband about Jayce for years now.. and even more so since the "fling" Jayce and I had before my husband and I got married.. I haven't been able to work up the courage yet and I know there will never be a "RIGHT" time to let it all out, but yes I will be working towards letting that word vomit come out of my mouth- Thank you.
Dear "7:15am" It helps in so many ways to know I'm not alone, even though I've always known I'm not the only one who can't get over something from my past. It just helps to actually hear someone else's story.
Dear "12:41 & 1:11pm"-
some words and/or phrases that really stick out to me in your replies... "WHY AM I SABOTAGING MY OWN LIFE" AND "WORKING TOWARDS LIVING COMFORTABLY"...I guess I have never " Lived comfortably "
in any way, growing up I lived in a house not a home... thats just an example I could go on and on. But I will stop there.
When I really think about it I can't recall any time I have ever "lived" comfortably.
I still to this day am not living comfortably (moving once if not twice a year and now into my father in-law's while my husband finishes school etc)
As for me sabotaging my own life -I'm clueless, but I will continue to try and figure myself out and why I am the way I am, and why I think the way I do.
11:53am- Thank you for ALL of the advice, I will be getting the book for sure, I have told my self time and time again I need to figure this out before 20 yrs down the road I look back and say " wow I could have figured this out sooner and had 20 years of happiness instead of 20 years of regret..
Once again thank you ALL!
I have so much more to say, but I think I am better off THINKING for now..I will most likely be posting on HBM soon. Thanks HBM.