Utterly Miserable

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm so sorry, but I'm utterly miserable here.

You have been great this last week, putting on this little act. But I know it'll disappear and you'll be this uncaring, unaffectionate person again that finds fault in every little thing I do. It's happened before and it'll happen again.

We never touch each other anymore, despite my advances. I asked you if you were seeing someone else and you blew me off. Is she at least prettier than I? I am pretty sure you're seeing someone else. You come home from a 4-hour haircut smelling like cheap perfume. You work late but your paycheck doesn't have any overtime on it.

You're also abusive. You've never hit me, this much is true. But you control every penny of our finances and make me feel like a spendthrift for daring to need a new pair of jeans since my old ones fell apart. You get mad when I need things like shampoo or soap and I have to beg for $10 to put gas in the Jeep.

You make me do things in bed that hurt, and I don't like them. You keep forcing them on me, and telling me I'll learn to like it. I don't like it, B, I never have. I've told you that and you keep doing it to me. Why do you degrade me in such a way? I've been a mother to your kids when your exwife was out getting drunk, and I'm the mother of our daughter. Haven't you seen the tears when you're doing this to me? Of course not, the lights are out and you probably don't care.

Thanks to you, B, my self esteem and self-worth are no longer there. I feel like the lowest scum on the planet right now. I cry constantly, I'm a nervous wreck, and I'm not too far from a nervous breakdown.

You're not aware of this, but I've signed a lease on a new apartment. I haven't told you yet because I am scared out of my mind and my heart is breaking. I know this will cripple you financially, and I'm sorry. For what it's worth, half of my income will go for rent. It's the only place I found that isn't in the middle of gang land. I can barely afford it, but at least I know every night won't be an episode of cops.

I hate to see you move back in with your parents, but I have to do this. I hate to do this to our daughter, who will not see you every day now. She adores you so much, she lights up when she sees you. But I know if I gave her over to you before we had a custody agreement in place, you wouldn't give her back to me. At least until everything was finalized, which you've said before you'll drag out as long as you can to spite me in the past.

God, B, I love you so much despite what you've put me through the last 4 years. But I cannot do this anymore. I am so utterly miserable, I hate coming home. Your touch makes me cringe for fear that you're going to do something to me that I don't like.

I love you, B. I love you more than you can ever fathom. But I cannot stay here when I am so utterly miserable that I would sooner die. Which, if I stay, that's what will happen. My soul will die inside and I'll be that Mama that cries all the time and never smiles.

Good-bye, B.

What It Feels Like To Be Left Behind

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear "K",

The other day I was brushing your daughter's hair, making sure the part was even, forming a twist, making it just right. She smiled in the mirror when I told her I made a French twist and because it was "French" it was fancy. Then I grew mad, chills went up my spine. I thought of another woman brushing my daughter's hair, parting it, twisting it and I couldn't take it. I couldn't stand the thought of another woman standing in and doing something so intimate with my daughter. The mere idea of someone touching her head and making her feel that good moved me to tears and made me angry. Call me selfish but that's just me.

When you drove down the road in your U-haul I watched those girls cling to their father, did you know it took every ounce of strength I had not to run after your truck? Did you know I wanted to drag you out of that truck by your hair and hit you? I never had a stronger desire to hit, beat, mutilate someone in my life. You left. You were selfish. You left your children and I HATE you for that. I hate you as much as I hate my own mother.

One day I woke up to find all my worldly childhood possessions packed up in black garbage bags. Say good bye because after school you are going to live with your dad. That was it. I was disposable. That is how it felt. I wasn't worth the fight. It hurt. It still hurts now.

Seeing you hurt your daughters in the same way is something that is too personal to me. I hate you more then these words can say. It would take fire. It would take death to separate me from my children. I won't, couldn't leave them. I know what it feels like to be left behind and that is enough for me to hate you like I do.

Susan

My Turn To Be Angry

Posted by Anonymous.

Not so dear common law husband,

You screwed up and now you are trying to be angry with me? ME? Because I didn't nag you into doing the correct thing? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I am dealing with you being mad now and then later when your busy body family finds out what you have done (or not done) I will once again listen to a lecture. Because regardless of what happens it is always my fault.
When I finally leave you in a couple weeks (as I have secretly wanted to do for almost our whole relationship), this is the number 1 reason why. It's not because of your temper (which I hate) or your selfishness or even that you try to prevent me from having friends or a life. It is because you need to be accountable for yourself. As your girlfriend, partner, wife it is not up to me to micromanage your life and decisions.

GoodBYE.

Dear Sonuvabitch

Posted by Anonymous.

Open letter to the sonuvabitch that refuses to pay his child support:

You suck!!!!! It's not fair!! And I wish you a slow and painful death!!!!!

Thank you. Now I can listen to my children mention their father without wanting to scream out what a dick he is. And a dead beat. And a no good, irresponsible, piece of shit that does not deserve to have such sweet children. (Did I mention I hate him?---Oh, you could tell? Well, then, good.)

The end.

These Stupid Games

Posted by Mrs. Mess (cross-posted at This Blessed Mess)

What you are doing is not fair. I know - life is not fair - but what you are doing is just offensive to me as a mother and as a woman and it’s plain wrong.

I married you when I was a silly little girl - just doing what I was told - but divorcing you filled me with a furious need to never be ’silly’ again. To never be disregarded or ignored or insignificant again. I have long since nullified my resentment of you because I am not sure I would like a person that hadn’t learned all those lessons you taught me. All the strength that leaving you brought me - the bull-headed determination that still stamps itself on my face when someone tells me that I can’t do something, or raises a hand to me, or dares to act as if I am ‘insignificant’.

But your absence from our son was never excused. Make no mistake; I have never, and will never, speak ill of you to him, but I will never lie to him, either. I waited and waited for you to start being his father. I knew that Washington had nothing left for me - but I stayed - just in case you would decide to be in his life. I put my world on hold and I did not move on or do anything for myself because I never ever wanted to give you another excuse for why you just couldn’t make him significant enough. I waited for 8 years for you to make just one move closer to him. One. And you didn’t. I all but begged you - no, I did beg you to be in his life - and you simply said ‘no’.

So I left. I left because while I was busy trying to force you to not make my son feel insignificant and unimportant - your behavior began to highlight that fact and make it throb. So I took him and we left to find a better life. And we did. We found a wonderful life filled with love and compassion and family and no one ever feels left out or small. He has brothers and sisters and a man in his life that would never hurt him or his mom. And he was healing. I know that no amount of a mothers love can ever fill up the hole that being abandoned by a father leaves - but he was healing, and the wounds that you left became only bruises and they didn’t bleed like they did when you simply said ‘no’.

And then, lo and behold, because you just can’t just let people heal, you showed back up. Talking about video games and cars and all the things that a boys his age think dads talk about. With no explanation of why your face was not familiar to him or why your voice did not sound like home to him. With no reasoning or apology or anything to explain why you refused to exist for so long - nothing but expensive electronics and promises of a car when he turns 16 and BAM! You are a hero - you can do no wrong.

My son is caring and loving and considerate - but when he comes home from your house, he is mean. My son would never hurt his mom’s feelings - he knows what struggles we went through -he remembers . But when he comes home from your house he makes fun or our life - he belittles our home and he tries to makes it seem insignificant. That is not ok.

And now - you think he belongs to you. Now you think that all if takes is your money and your lawyer and you big words and you can just take him away. You think that it’s ‘your turn’. You think that you can just make demands on me and my family and we have to just lie down -like before- and that you’ll get whatever you want because you are ‘the man’ and what you say goes but you are wrong in so many ways.

I will fight with you. I will play your stupid game. I will go to court and I will break your ‘rules’. I say whatever I need to say and I won’t smile pretty this time. Did your brother ever find out all those things you told his wife? Did your mom ever find out why you really spent that time in jail when we were married? How about your wife - is she aware of your how you feel about other men? Or does she just ignore that - like I wouldn’t?

I will fight you for my son and he will stay with me. And no, I will not be covering ‘all the costs’ you incurred because I moved out-of-state. I simply say ‘no’. And if you want to play dirty and remind me that life is not fair - then I will do that too. I am not above hitting below the belt - and you should know that, going in.

My son will not be insignificant or unimportant- and you are not allowed to use him to try to alleviate your insignificance and unimportance. I raised him. I cried for him when he hurt and held him when he cried for you. I answered the hard questions and none of them ever had anything to do when an X-Box or an IPod. I built my whole world around him not hurting - so you are not allowed to come in and try to push it all over.

You are not important. You are not significant. You are not a dad- you are just another struggle that he will remember having to go through - I know that, because I know you - and I know you can’t endure anything that is real - and you will disappear again. And I know that you will blame it on me for fighting with you- and that’s ok too.

Just go - I’ll play your stupid game, and I’ll pick up all the pieces and put him back together, I always do, just go.