Without You

Posted by Anonymous.

I married your ex husband and raised your three children. They were 4,5,and 6 when you left and 15, 16, and 17 when you killed yourself. You left me here holding the bag.

I took you in and made you a part of our family so that YOUR kids could get to know YOU. I raised them as if they were mine and they never wanted for anything. Except for you, that is... You were around in the end but you were more like a favorite aunt instead of a mom. They loved you then and even more now. I disciplined them, taught them right from wrong, loved them unconditionally, held them while they cried over your absence, tried to explain why you left them with their dad, I was everything you didn't want to be.

So why did you do this to me? I never resented you for leaving your responsibilities with me! I loved you as a friend but I loved you mostly because you were the mother of the children that I loved so much. Since you have been gone the two oldest kids will not speak to me any longer. They hate me for doing your job for you.... Your family hates me for raising and loving your children. How could you be so selfish? Were you trying to get back at me for taking your place? What else was I supposed to do? You gave them to me and they needed someone to care for them, so I did.

In the wake of your death, your children have turned their anger on me. It breaks my heart that the children I love so much, resent me so heavily. It pisses me off that you were a horrible mother but now that you are gone, you were the greatest thing that ever lived. Your oldest son wasnt even speaking to you when you died because he was so angry at you. Now he goes around telling everyone what a great mother you were. I wasted the last 15 years of my life raising your kids. I devoted the last 15 years of MY life to YOUR kids! I hate you for what you have done. I regret the day that I ever told you that I would take care of them! This has turned out to be the worst mistake I have ever made. You took a really good thing and destroyed it. But I guess that was what you did best! Destroyed everything good in your life. Yet, somehow, I am the bad guy! How does that happen?

It has been three years and it seems to get worse as time goes by. You took the love that I felt for those kids and turned it into anger, resentment and regret! I took you to get help and you pushed me away. I knew this was coming and I threw my hands up because I was so frustrated. I am so sorry I didn't try harder to save you. Maybe if I had, "our" kids would still love me. But, what's done is done, and your kids are lost in this world without you and now without me. If I could go back in time, I would NOT do this over! I hope you are happy where ever you are! Just so you know.... we are anything but.

I Had A Friend

Posted by Anonymous.

i had a friend i used to work with. we saw each other every workday. we would go to movies together on the weekend, or maybe just sit and listen to music.

then she moved to the next state over. we still talked a lot by phone. she would come and visit me. (i wouldn't visit her because she lived with her son, his wife and their daughter. i just didn't feel comfortable going into that situation.)

then i moved 2 states away from her. whenever i call her, i hardly ever get a response. she remembers to call at birthdays and some holidays, but not just to say- hi, i was thinking of you, how're you doing. we do exchange gifts at birthdays and christmas.

but i would like a friend who would call me instead of me always calling her. i would like her to initiate the contact. and every time i think of letting her know that i want out of this relationship(?!), she does call. so i think -i'll give her another chance.

i don't make friends easily. in fact she is my only friend (!?). that's one reason i keep hanging with the (?) relationship.

do i let go or keep trying?

Like A Sister

You’re my best friend.. Like a sister to me but not blood related. At one point in our lives, I’d drop everything to make sure you were safe. Because I was in the same situation.

Now... I can’t bare to be in the same room with you. You’re constant want for sympathy is sad because of this situation. Your belief that your husband is actually going to come home, in your house and everything will be the same makes me want to scream at you.

A. He’s a pedophile B. He was arrested and jailed for the past four months for throwing your son across the room and making visible marks. C. Just because he’s a pedophile won’t make the courts want him to go back home just because he needs a place to stay.

I’ve been in the same situation my friend, my ex-husband whom you know very well had done some pretty nasty things to me, but never to our son. There is now a full standing order of protection still on myself and our son, from the court. And he has supervised visitation.

And you actually believe your husband is coming home? I'm afraid what's going to happen when it happens. When he doesn't.

For the past three months, I’ve tried talking to you about the things going on in my life. I told you we‘re planning on getting married… and all you can do is fiddle with your phone, texting your “so-called” friends and yell at your kid. No congratulations, or anything. I wanted you to be my maid of honor. You sit there and get depressed at my son’s birthday because you miss your husband. Because you can’t stand to see other people happy

I’ve BEEN there for you!! I’ve sat by your side and held you when you cried. Convinced you that getting up every morning is a good thing and taking care of your kids is your first priority. I’ve offered time and time again to take your kids when the courts were threatening to take them away from you. And this is what love you show me?

I'm sad. Our friendship has taken to this point where I can't even talk to you anymore without feeling like I'm going to get a argument thrown at me or you saying something negative. I sat there and cried today, wondering if it's going to be like this for the next whatever amount of years. Because my love for you as a sister just can't go away. Sadness, anger, hurt, a little betrayed by your lack of caring. But it will never go away.

I want things to change, I want you to be happy. I wish I could make things different but life just can't be placed on a full halt because of your situation. Sometimes other people need a little hug too, especially sisters.

A Haunting

Posted by Anonymous.

The past week really has been a hell of sorts.

It hasn't been terrible, but once again I feel - I have no better word - haunted.

It's not anything supernatural or spiritual in the sense of the undead hanging out with me at random times. It's more of a heart-haunt and a mind-haunt. Thoughts and feelings that I thought were gone have suddenly returned and refuse to leave me as it did once before regarding this same situation. It's the very strong remnants of a past relationship - a relationship into which I invested too much, received next to nothing, but cannot seem to shake. I fell in love with someone who misled me into believing that she was actually available - that we could actually have a future. My greatest fears were realized only a few short weeks later when she was able to patch things up with her "ex" (who wasn't really ever her ex, I now understand), and she dropped me without a word.

I have had one conversation with her since then - ONE - 2 months later, and in it she again tried to lead me to believe that months down the line, there could be something for us. My mind knew better. My heart didn't, but at least it didn't become fully invested as it did before.

Now it's been a year since the line between friendship and anything more really began to blur for me, and suddenly she's back in my thoughts, especially my dreams, and in my heart. I'm not "in love" with her again, or anything of that nature. That, while it took months, finally subsided. But I do really and truly miss her. Part of me wonders whether this will get worse in July when it will have been a year from when we actually had a real relationship. What makes more complicated is that we have so many mutual friends that I get accidental updates on her, and her current relationship, often. (If you're curious: She's fine. Their relationship is better than ever. They're moving away together to Xxx, XX this summer for her girlfriend's job.)

My few friends in whom I can really confide about the situation (without fear of further publicizing what ended up being her affair to minimize drama for each of us) are as supportive as they know how to be while being confused as to how I could possible have any amiable feelings toward this individual who treated me so poorly and rendered my heart so completely asunder. I appreciate them, but their support, comments, advice, etc. isn't solving this problem of being haunted by these remnants of my past relationship. I'm at a complete and utter loss as far as how to deal with this.

I Have This Friend

Posted by Anonymous.

I have this friend...

She has a house. A large house with a large yard in a nice neighbourhood. A house that is fully furnished with nice things.

She has a job. A good job with security and summers off that pays well and offers her advancement with even better pay.

She is healthy. Pops the occasional med for the occasional migraine, but nothing major.

She has a partner who loves her and they married last year at a celebration where they were toasted by many friends and family members and gifted with many items.

She and her partner take vacations every year and want for nothing material.

She and her partner also have many years of education behind them, all paid in full.

And she has nothing good to say.

Nothing.

So it is hard for me to listen to her bitch about the state of their back yard when I don't have a backyard.

And it is hard to listen to them communicate with one another in snippy comments and whiny voices.

It is hard to understand why she feels so down-trodden. Why she edited her FaceBook status to read "...bad things happen to good people, I am now wondering why I am the good people that this stuff continuously happens to."

For the record, this is not a pissing contest. This is not about who has it worse off and wanting to come out ahead.

What this is about is, well...

thinking before you complain to a friend that you will not be able to take a 2-week vacation overseas this year when she is lucky to find the time and the gas money to take a road trip to visit family.

not bitching about how hard your union-protected job is as your friend struggles to find a job that will pay more than her unemployment benefits and support both her and her preschool-aged daughter.

being grateful that you will one day pay off the mortgage on the gorgeous home that you own when your friend isn't sure how she is going to pay rent in a couple of months.

being thankful for the husband who appears to love you unconditionally and making a point to mention his strengths, instead of just his weaknesses, to a friend who left an emotionally abusive marriage

keeping your mouth shut and your eyes open as your friend struggles every single day. But doesn't ask for help. And offers her help as and when she can. To whoever needs it. Without condition. Without hesitation.

I don't want pity. I don't a pat on the back. What I want is for this friend to be happy. To recognize all that she has. To recognize that, perhaps, her universe just isn't that bad.

What I don't want is this woman as a friend.

Goodbye, Friend

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Friend,

There was a reason I didn't hide that Easter Egg. It was a test. You failed.

No doubt when you get back from your trip you'll say that I know you have no self-control when it comes to chocolate and you'll offer to replace it. That's not the point. I don't see why I have to hide what belongs to me from you. You are not a child. You are a grown woman and I treat you the way I would treat a grown woman. It's not like I buy chocolate on purpose to tempt you, I buy it so I can eat it myself when I feel like it. I happened to feel like eating chocolate when I got home from visiting my family today, and it was gone.

This may seem like a petty thing to complain about, but it's one of a collection of things that make living with you a pain in the proverbial. We are best friends, and I do like living with my best friend, but not when she's so wrapped up in her own life and dramas that she barely talks to me, except to tell me what her other friends say and do. I'm pretty sick of hearing you say "well, I live with you," as an excuse for not interacting with me. A little common courtesy, asking me how may day was for example, or leaving your room to hold a conversation. I'd really like that.

I'm sick of always having to do the dishes by myself, and your little suggestion of only doing our own washing up is antisocial, not to mention a handy way of pinning it all on me when I make dinner for both of us. I'll consider it when you stop eating what I cook. I also have a big problem with you bitching about buying the milk and the toilet paper the last few times, when it was pretty obvious you used all the gas while I was away that time and I never said a thing. I'm also responsible for most of the groceries in this house, and you keeping the radiator in your room on all day while you're working in there is a huge drain on the electricity I am mostly responsible for.

I was disappointed when you said you were going to move abroad, and then said I was crazy for wanting to stay here. Now I think I'll be glad to see you gone. I really don't like that you thought I'd be forced to move somewhere else without you and you were going to do it anyway. I don't think it's down to any malice on your part, but it means you are horrifically irresponsible.

And that's what it comes right down to, isn't it? People who can up and leave so quickly and with so little thought can claim they love to travel, but they're really just running from responsibility. You're resentful that you have to be responsible for anyone but yourself. As much as I love you, I had to agree with your ex-boyfriend; you are awfully self-absorbed. You hate people who are self-absorbed and boring, and yet you can be one of the dullest people I know. You're in real danger of becoming one of those people who does nothing but work or surf the net all day and then go drinking every weekend.

So, my advice before you set off for pastures new? Learn some self-control for starters. Not just with the chocolate, but how about getting yourself up in the morning? Or not putting off your work so you can surf the web? And maybe interact with the people around you in ways that don't involve drinking or the internet? Maybe just take some time away from your computer for a whole day, see what happens.

It's a real shame our friendship has deteriorated to the point that I'm posting passive-aggressive messages online about you. I can start making a real effort to repair it, but I can't be your cheerleader forever. Sooner or later you'll have to do it alone.

.....

Danno

Posted by Kate.

I have a best friend.

I feel loved, wanted, appreciated, respected, cared for. I trust him enough to tell him all the things I've never told anyone else. He trusts me implicitly as well. We both struggle, we both have fears and flaws. We accept each other with all those fears and flaws. I've shared myself completely with him and vice versa. Our feelings have deepened over the last few months, and been acknowledged.

We've been connected from day one, feeling things about each other without "knowing". And in turn, knowing what the other is feeling, doing or thinking even though we've been hundreds of miles from one another. We have a passion for one another that's sparked and grown, constantly simmering just beneath the surface. The love we've had for the other has increased since we met. I've loved him for a while now and known how he has felt about me. Recently, we talked about someday having a relationship, what we'd be like together. I made the confession that I'd been in love with him almost as long as I loved him. Recently, we've disclosed out loud that we're in love with each other.

Just one thing. I'm already in a relationship. Except I get none of these things from the current guy. He can't let me in, and can't be there for me. Without meaning to, all he's done is hurt me and ignore me. But I've stayed, trying to make it work. Being the only one trying, the only one putting any effort into this relationship is draining me.

I don't know that the relationship with the best friend would be like. I know we'd have a lot to work through. I'm realistic; I know like any other relationship, it would have it's problems.

The difference is, I know he wants to try, and I do as well. I know how he feels about me, without question, without doubt.

I want to be with him. I want to throw caution to the wind. If I have the chance to be with someone who loves me, accepts me, faults and all, makes me feel special, loved, supported, desired, trusted. Who lets me into their world, their head, their heart, why would I want to wait?

Confessions Of An Evil Friend And Concerned Mother

Posted By Anonymous.

To one of my dearest friends and godfather of my two young sons,

There has been something on my mind that I wanted to talk to you about. Perhaps I should do it in person, but I know I will not be able to accurately and appropriately convey the information I need to convey so I figured I would convey it in writing in order to get my thoughts down.

First, I am glad that you are feeling better and getting to the point where you can go about your regular schedule. It's good to see you doing well.

I also wanted to let you know that we you and are here for you if you need to talk or hang out or anything.

Now to the two things that are not easy for me to bring up but that have been on my mind. I feel I would be doing our friendship a disservice if I did not bring these things up.

First, I have been thinking about your ex. I know I asked you the other night if you had told him about your recent HIV diagnosis and I couldn't tell whether or not you intended to tell him in the near future. However, I feel that ethically you should. I know the doctors told you when you contracted the virus, but one thing I have learned through my work, my psychology degree, and the need to see many types of doctors (OB/GYN, Primary, Dentist, Oral Surgeon, Pediatrician, Surgeon, Osteopathic doctor, Reproductive Endocrinologist, etc.) is that doctors, tests, and technologies are often incorrect/inaccurate in particular if they are new. Because of this I think it would be wise of you to tell him as soon as possible and encourage him to get tested. With all tests (even old, well-known ones like pregnancy tests) there is always a chance of error and inaccuracy. In fact, I called the CDC and was told that there is no test to determine when you contracted HIV as you have told us. For this reason, I think you should err on the side of caution for his and your sake and have him get tested.

The second thing I wanted to bring up, and this is hard for me, is certain habits that we as a group have that I feel may need to slightly change. I have always prided myself in being a level-headed, educated, and compassionate person when it comes to HIV. When you first told us that you may have the virus I did research on the tests available for detecting the virus, the percentage of chance that the test would come back false, and I refreshed myself on some of the methods of transmitting the virus. One of the things that comes to my mind is sharing drinks, food utensils, or essentially saliva swapping. In general, what I read says you cannot transmit HIV by sharing drinks or utensils. However, those same sources (such as the CDC) go on to say that in theory transmission is possible if one person has some portion of blood in their mouth and the person they share a drink with has an open wound. The language used on these sites also leaves room for the possibility of transmission in this manner but states it is unlikely.

For myself I think the chances are remote and I am not concerned. But I guess because I am a mom now I feel the need to be overly cautious (even if irrationally so) with my two year old son, K. I have to be honest and let you know that the other day when you came over to the house for the inauguration I was disappointed, scared, and upset. I was upset by the fact that you let K drink out of your water glass. I don't know if you noticed but K commonly picks at his upper lip and at times pulls the skin off which causes an open wound from which he bleeds. Also, it is common that we as human beings have some portion of blood in our mouths either from toothbrushing, cheeck biting, eating hard foods, or general canker sore types of things. For this reason, I think it is best not to share drinks with the kids. It may sound strange but for some reason I can think about the rational remote odds of something happening should I share a drink and dismiss it quickly. But I can't do that with the kids as I don't know what I would do if for some reason one of them became the first documented case of transmission through drink sharing no matter how remote the chances were.

I know the chance of contracting HIV in this manner is remote, but I would expect that when it comes to K (and eventually my nine week old son), we would all want to err on the side of caution in this type of situation. Especially because most articles I have read (at least the ones that look as if there was some scientific research involved) make statements saying "transmission is unlikely" but "possible in theory". I would also think that as a person living with the disease you would certainly want compassion, but at the same time you would want to take extra precautions to ensure that you did not do anything that may put someone else in harms way no matter how remote the chance.

I'm not sure how you will take this letter. We still love you, want to hug you and kiss you, and be your family. Because of that I had to share this with you as I didn't want to get bitter and upset for feeling like you were being irresponsible and negligent when it came to K's protection. I didn't want it to be something I worried about that would eventually cause distance between us. So as hard as it is to bring it up I felt I had to.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Can Kids Ruin A Friendship?

Posted by Anonymous.

Okay, so I work at a job that I love. It's close to home, my hours are flexible, my boss is my best friend. The problem? Her children. I mean, never in my life have I dealt with such horrid little people in my life. It is so awkward because not only am I dealing with my best friend's kids, it's also the boss's kids. It's a no win situation.

I have huge issues with people who do not discipline their children in any way shape or form. You are not doing ANYONE any favors by letting these beasts get away with what they do, my friend! I mean, your youngest is a thief who steals money not only from the cash register but also the deposit bags! Do you punish him? No. Do you make sure that it doesn't happen again? No. You gently tell him not to do it. THIS is one of the main reasons I do not invite you in to my home. I do not wish to be robbed.

Your middle child is a slob. She is continually dirty, disrespectful and in general, not pleasant to be around. The fact that she continually interrupts our every conversation for no reason other than to hang on you and have the attention focused on herself, is utterly annoying. Do you ever tell her that we are having a private conversation and ask her to wait? No!

Your eldest child is the worst. She, too, is a slob. Her whole demeanor is slovenly. Please teach her how to dress and walk! She does not need to be given a job sitting behind the desk. She is 13 years old and needs to actually move her fat ass a bit! The way that she speaks to me and other adults is appalling! She is not an adult. She is not entitled to be in adult conversations. Her superiority complex is a disgrace for someone her age. Her attitude that "This is my parents store and I'll do what I please" is disrespectful not only to me and all of the customers who come in here, but you should see this as disrespectful to YOU! Because she is representing you and when people see a fat, lazy, foul mouthed brat behind the desk, they do not want to come back!

My final straw was this weekend while at your middle child's birthday party. Your 13 year old shoved me repeatedly, insulted me, grabbed at me and was just constantly offensive and you laughed with her and said she was just joking! No, she wasn't! This is your child's normal behavior and it is horrific. I cannot even stand the sight of her and am praying that I find another job just so that I do not have to see HER anymore.

Instead of making excuses for these ill-mannered, horrid people, how about teaching them some manners? Instead of rewarding them with candy, snacks and sodas how about making them take responsibility for their behavior and punishing them? I don't want to lose our friendship but the constant strain of being around your children makes me want to have nothing to do with you. Your husband once thanked me for befriending you. Maybe you'd have more friends if you tamed these children in to being normal, respectful human beings.

Outside The Bubble

Posted by C at This Matters This Day.

Liz Lemon has done it again. Put a window on something that, in retrospect, felt close to the truth…

Last time was the reunion episode. Weeks later, when wondering idly why some people from high school still haven’t ‘friended’ me – when they had friended others. Not just ‘the popular kids,’ but even kids more off-the-grid, now FRIENDING the ‘popular kids.’ Then, the episode came back to me.

Liz was at her reunion, and discovered that she was mean in highschool. That her reverse-snubbing, her snub-or-be-snubbed was NOT invisible. That the popular kids didn’t like her because she wasn’t likable.

I laughed and payed no real attention. Thought it wasn’t one of the better episodes.

Later – much later – weeks later… **gasp** …

When you are 15-16-17, sharp-witted and imagine yourself slightly better than those around you – the prettier ones, the more together ones, the ones who aren’t so afraid of trying, of proving themselves, of fitting in… ooops.

You become Liz. Snarky, with thinly-veiled quick-witted asides that are – oops again – sarcastic and more than a little mean.

I thought then that those honor role kids just didn’t get me. The truth was something else. I just didn’t want to play. And thought I should get by on my (under-appreciated) looks and (underexercised) raw intelligence.

OK. So flash-forward. Now those same kids – the ones who tried? Who made it all important when, I, in my infinite wisdom (and 2.75 GPA) suspected it wasn’t? Those kids have kids. And their kids are in private school. And they play with my kids. My kids who are woefully unprepared.

I could list the reasons why, or how they are unprepared: mom works, mom is scatter-brained, mom is not wealthy, mom has no idea what the rules are… but the truth is this: Mom doesn’t want to play.

On last night’s 30 Rock, we saw the return of Dr.Drew Baird. (Moment of silence, please, to acknowledge my disproportionate love of Jon Hamm…) The premise was that he is so good-looking that people expect little of him, and fill him with lies. So he’s a doctor that doesn’t know the Heimlich, is awful in bed, and cannot play tennis – and has never waited in a line.

Again, good show. I laughed. I was mad that Jon Hamm was leaving again, (c’mon Liz! Do you HAVE to be the bearer of Truth?) and I laughed harder when Jack Donaghy explained The Bubble and the loss of the Bubble. I laughed ‘cuz it was funny, right? A ridiculous premise?

Oh, shit. I laughed ‘cuz it’s True!

At the risk of being exposed as more narcissistic than I feel (although I guess even narcissism has its roots in self-loathing, but I digress) – I was driving home from my son’s third grade play almost in tears and realized… ooops… I GOT IT!

Now, the almost-tears were for a number of reasons. Chief trigger was that the set looked great. I had derided the moms that made a big deal of the set – thinking that this is third grade, they are walking up to microphones, the play isn’t blocked, each character is shared by six kids, etc. And TWO of my props were rejected as inadequate, and my son’s Zukerman costume was Not Quite Right, even though we got the same Farmer Costume memo as every other mom.

The secondary trigger was the Perfect Moms who told me afterward that my son was great – Moms whose children I did not know, moms themselves whose names are filed somewhere in my back brain where they cannot be accessed as I am trying to anonymously high tail it out of a multimillion dollar performance facility (where my son just performed a walk-up-to-the-mike rendition of a play written for about 8 kids along with 59 of his closest friends.)

You see, friends, I lived in The Bubble. Because while high school may not be kind to the I-think-I-am-prettier-and-smarter-than-you-so-I-flirt-too-much-and-laugh-too-hard-when-I-get-the-grown-up-jokes-of-the-AP-English-teacher-and-treat-everything-with-a-note-of-disdain-and-irony… your twenties? Especially if they got to occur in the nineties? In your twenties, folks eat that shit up.

All the sudden – for a minute, maybe, or for something like six or seven years – I was IT.

I ran in a circle with famous people for a college internship and later, I had a great job. I had loads of friends, I had loads of sex, and I had great hair. I dressed well and drove free German cars. I was connected. Professionally, personally… I felt untouchable. I flirted as I breathed. I got promoted. I worked way over my head, and I gathered in large chummy packs at the neighborhood bar in the tony neighborhood… that I walked to.

Because no one ever accused me of making things look easy, I assumed my aggressive wheel spinning and frenetic pace meant I really was working hard.

I assumed, that somehow, without actually working for it… I had earned it. I believed my press.

My eventual husband believed it, too – he would say later that his initial impression was that I was ‘out of his league,’ he imagined that I had it together – because there was so much of it, and it looked confusing to the outsider.

I was In the Bubble.

And inside, it actually was confusing. But it was contained, somewhat.

All that happened, besides growing up and getting married and having kids and folding into private schools (quite by accident, but again I digress) is that I outgrew the bubble. And now? 40, with those intrepid kids in tow … the bubble is gone.

The mess is no longer contained by the walls of the bubble, and I am exposed to the (god love him, still-with-me) husband. I am invisible among those working harder, with more qualifications and a more complete rule set. My confusion confuses them. They expect more of themselves… shoudn’t I?

Inside the bubble was better.

So, somehow? Now, I guess? It’s time to grow up. Or at least fake it a whole lot better.

Ergg.

The Wanker

Posted by Anonymous.

I need help here people, h-e-l-p.....

My Bestie has a new man after 10 years. She is deliriously happy. He is younger, good looking, devoted, besotted. He is in theatre. -Ish.

He is also a wanker. Bless him.
A lovable wanker but a wanker nonetheless.
My husband, in particular, thinks he is a wanker.

Recently he has become involved with a 'very good band'. They are doing a show together for an arts festival next year. We want to hire the band for the presentation evening of a national competition.

We stated quite clearly that we were paying for 6 band members, not 7. We do not want my Bestie's beloved in his clown outift doing juggling tricks in front of said (very good) band and associated interstate audience.

Recently she has noted that we are lucky because he will be an 'free added extra', to rev up the crowd.

OH MY GOD.

My husband has specifically stated that he does NOT want, nay he would be EMBARRASSED by said beloved boyfriend cavorting somewhat incongrously in front of 'very good ' band. What the **** am I going to do? Even if I risk upsetting my Bestie by telling her that we do not want her (very sensitive and insecure) beloved.....how does she tell HIM????? How can I put her in that position? How do I tell my husband that the embarrassing boyfriend will be giving us the benefit of his expertise FREELY!!!!!!??????? Whether we want him to or not? I have the sinking, breath excising feeling of being trapped, underwater, between two very, very sharp rocks.............

Keep Your Friends Close - And Your Enemies Closer

Posted by Anonymous.

I first met Lorna when we were both in labour in the hospital. She had her daughter two hours before I had my son, and that really set the tone for our friendship.

Being friends with Lorna was like going back to high school and having the most popular, pretty girl suddenly decide she wants you as a friend. You can't really understand why, you're not part of the popular set, but you're too flattered to really think it through and wonder if being friends with her is a good idea.

As the years passed we would get together every now and then, but it's not something I really enjoyed - Lorna was always so perfect in every way, and she loved to let me know it. She could be alternately interesting and wonderful, then turn patronizing and mean. Slowly our friendship dwindled until we stopped seeing one another altogether.

Then she phoned me out of the blue - she was interviewing for my old job and wanted the real scoop on my boss. I told her to steer clear and she did. A couple years later I was looking for a job close to home, so I phoned her and asked whether her place was hiring. She informed me that it wasn't at that time, and that I would not be paid well with my experience anyway. Then a few months later she called me and said there was an opening, and I should drop off my resume. I did so and was hired very quickly.

It was strange working with Lorna - again, she alternated between being my best buddy and trying to embarass me. I made more money than her because I had post-secondary education, which she did not. She let me know on more than one occassion that this urked her, even though she could easily have chosen to attain her designation as well. I remember failing an exam once and her asking me if I was ashamed. This was the type of person she was. She also had her little group of people she liked and if you didn't belong to this group, beware. She had a charm that made everyone want to be her friend, but there was a price to pay. She once told me "keep your friends close and your enemies closer".

She worked very closely with one of the bosses - it became very apparent after a while that they were having an affair (they were both married). Finally, they decided to leave the company and open their own place. After a few months they asked me to join them - I was wary but thought it could be a good move for me career wise. So I made the move. On my first day there I knew I was doomed - the boss (her now boyfriend) told me that he was not "kicking Lorna out of her office" (apparently there was only one office - I had no idea he would need to ask her to vacate it, this was just the terms of our agreement) nor did he have any work for me (yet this was the day we both agreed I would start). I was very upset and he could see it, so he quickly found some work and asked Lorna to move.

At one point on my first day I asked Lorna if there was a spare calendar I could have - she abruptly told me she was not my secretary and that I would have to find one myself but that the firm would not pay for it.

I struggled along for 5 months telling myself it would get better, and then my father-in-law had a heart attack. He was dying and I needed to be at the hospital. I phoned my boss and he was completely supportive and told me to take the next week off. I also had an exam to write which I had been studying months for - my husband urged me to write the exam even with all the upset that was going on. They day of the exam (3 days after my father-in-law passed away), Lorna phones me at home to ask why I wasn't at work and that piles of work were building up and that the boss was not happy about it. I immediately told Lorna I wanted to talk to the boss, and she said he was out of the office and would call me back. He called back 2 hours later and said that he completely supported that Lorna called me and what she said. I was speechless! When I asked him about the fact he and I agreed that it would be ok for me to be off for a while to help with the funeral arrangements and write the exam, he just kept repeating that he supported Lorna.

I knew my time was done there, and I came into the office and told him so. I finished there a week later and the boss at my old firm, which is upstairs in the same building, immediately offered me my old job back. I took it - that was 4 years ago and I couldn't be happier that I did. But here's the problem - whenever I see Lorna on the street, she pretends I don't exist. She came upstairs to our firm to drop off a piece of mail and I said hello and she gave me the most evil look. Later I received an email from her stating that "she knew who I really was and to not pretend otherwise".

Keep in mind I left there four years ago. The anger and bitterness that pours off this woman is unbelievable. I know she must be desperately unhappy to act this way. Recently I was crossing the street with my business partner and she was coming towards us - she looked up and said "hello Pat" to him and didn't acknowledge me at all.

This makes it quite uncomfortable every time I see her, which is often because we work in the same building. There is no way I want to be friends with her, but to just live in harmony would be welcome. Should I continue to say hello when I see her (which is what I have been doing, in spite of the fact she completely ignores me). I have no intention of talking to her about this, it just wouldn't work. She dislikes me to my very core because I chose to leave. I guess I'm the exception to her "keep your enemies closer" rule....it's a weird experience as an adult having someone act this way towards you.

Friendship, Squashed?

Posted by Anonymous.

Friendship with a cousin just bounced right into the street and got squashed by a car.

How great is it to reconnect with people from long ago? Since moving back to home, I've had a lot of this going on. It's amazing how ten years away lets you change and you even find friendships where you didn't expect them.

But sometimes you put in the effort to reconnect, and after a while it's becoming quite evident that while you're all having a good time, you're the one putting in the effort? Months go by and you're still the one initiating the exact phrase, "Hey, I want to get together and see you." You see them be active with others, yet never a word to you.

I've had a few of these in my life. One told me she couldn't be around me because I was getting married and she was getting divorced, it hurt her too much. One of them told me my expectations were too high (she missed 2 playdates and didn't return any calls for over a week). Returning phone calls was too much for me to expect. Another told me it was my responsibility.

I'm familiar with the sign to give up. I know when to cool it. I mourn it. I dream about it. I dream about "high expectations" girl. I also know that sometimes they bounce back and in one instance, stronger than ever.

In fact, recently I got a message on my Voice Mail from one of these old friends, "why don't you come over?" I called back and left a message, "sounds great!" (thinking: It's Bouncin' Back!) And the response back is, "Oh sorry, someone just called and we'll be going with them now."

I know I'm weird... but am I rank? I know I'm more cynical now, but I thought that made me funnier. I've got cute kids you might like. I finally decided if it looks like you're being blown off and it smells like you're being blown off, chances are, you're being blown off. I finally realized that she just doesn't like me... and usually I'd just get over it, but I it's not just any friend... it's family. Yep... a cousin who I grew up with like a sister. She's told me it's my responsibility and goes out of her way to make dates with friends on facebook, but not with me and we even had a talk about how we re-establish things and she has done NOTHING... except the story above about inviting me and then dis-inviting me.

Thanks for the vent.. I was about to post this on mine and a friend advised against it.

Comments welcome!

You Just Don't Know

Posted by Anonymous.

I need to get something off my chest. You (my sibling, my mother-in-law, my mother, my friend) call me and you ask me how I’m doing. I answer “overwhelmed.” And somehow this is your cue to gush “Oh! I know!” and then launch into the many ways you are busy and also overwhelmed.

I’m sorry. You don’t know.

You, with your no children or older children or grandchildren cannot possibly “know” how overwhelmed I feel with three small children, a busy husband, a house, volunteer commitments and the other million little things that need my attention every day. You who sleep all night cannot possibly understand what it’s like to tackle all I have on my plate after night after night of little sleep. So please don’t tell me “you know” because you don’t. You can’t fathom my level of overwhelm right now.

Listen, I do know that you’re overwhelmed. I believe it! I too have felt completely overwhelmed without all that I have going on right now. The point of this is NOT that I’m way more overwhelmed than you are. The point is that I don’t share this information with you so that I can hear about everything going on in your life. I tell you I’m overwhelmed because I really need to vent and get some support right now. When you respond “I know!” and launch into a litany of all the things on your plate it feels like you’re taking my plea for help and throwing it back in my face.

So in the future, when you ask how I’m doing and I respond “overwhelmed!” instead of “good!” please, please don’t take this as an opportunity to add even more to my plate. Please take a breath and acknowledge that I’ve reached out to you. Because you really can’t know unless you’ve been here or you’ve asked me what it’s like.

Dear Ex-Friend

Posted by Anonymous

A letter to my crazy, husband seducing, whore of an EX-best friend

I have always known you were crazy. I just thought it was in an endearing, I love you despite the fact that you kind of suck most of the time sort of way. We have been friends since 10th grade and we have been through just about everything together. I want you to know that our friendship endured because I allowed it to endure. Over the years people have asked me how I could forgive you for things. Like when you bailed out on being in my wedding just because you didn't like the dresses I picked out. I mean HELLO SELFISHNESS it was like MY freaking wedding!

Yeah, how about when you got mad at me because I put my daughter in Montessori preschool a couple of days a week. And then again when we signed her up for morning ESP at her school last year because I had a newborn at home. Newsflash! You are NOT the world's perfect mother. Oh and when you gave your 3 month old baby boy chicken broth in his bottle I DID think it was weird. I just believe that parents should keep their mouths shut if they don't agree with someone else's parenting technique.

I always defended you and made excuses for your bitch tendencies. I loved you even though you didn't bring your kids to my daughters birthday party ( 3 years in a row) and didn't even bother to call. I loved you even when you were about to cheat on your husband the first time. I told you that you were going to ruin your marriage and that you would regret it. I helped you to make the right decision and I supported you when 3 years later you yet AGAIN wanted out of your marriage. I tried to be a good friend. I never judged you, I just persevered and loved you despite the fact that you are hard to like.

I am not the only one of our girlfriends that feels that it is hard to be friends with you. You never make it easy. You criticize when you should gently be truthful, you are selfish and you are ignorant about the world around you. You are either in a great mood and you love everyone or you don't answer your phone for days and then act all bitchy when you finally come out of hiding. I really do think you have a mental disorder. I am no expert....but I have known you a very long time. If I had to guess I would say you are Bipolar. Now...don't misunderstand me. I have struggled with anxiety and depression myself, and I am empathetic to anyone who has problems such as these.

HOWEVER! I don't think it is an excuse to use your time with me as a reason to be around my husband. I guess hindsight really is 20/20. We were like family and now it is over. I thought of you as a sister and that is why I put up with your shit for as long as I did. Now I realize that I should have put you in your place years ago. I guess I was a little crazy myself. You do have your good qualities. I am just hard pressed to think about those now that you chose to come after my husband. You guys used to hate each other!

Even now it is hard for me to believe that it happened. I guess I just never thought that you would be able to hurt me this way. You knew that the next week was my aunt's murderer's trial. You knew that I was struggling with being in the same room as her killer and seeing pictures of the crime scene. You knew that we were going back to marriage counseling. You knew I had already made the appointment. You knew where the weaknesses were in every area of my marriage. You knew his vulnerabilities. I gave you a bloody road map on how to appeal to him.

I want to know....what were you thinking? You said that you weren't thinking about me. You said that you were only thinking about yourself and what you needed. I say that is impossible. You came to MY house right before you went to his gig! You came to bring me a cute little rug for in front of my sink! What was that? An "I pity you because I am about to go fuck your husband gift"?! I mean seriously! How could you come to my house and look me in the eye and get into your minivan and drive to his gig!!!!?

Now YOU are begging your husband to stay? I tried to help you to see that your marriage could be saved. But now I am afraid that you have gone too far. And I am a little ashamed to say that I am having a hard time feeling sorry for you. You had so many chances. I counseled you. I read you scriptures and I prayed for you and your marriage. I tried to be supportive and non judgmental.

I was an awesome friend to you. How could you make my life so much harder? You knew what he and I had been through. You knew our story and that our road had been a difficult one. Why would you choose to make it harder?

Guess what? I am still here. I am still taking care of my family. I still have faith in God. I believe that I am still sane because I have chosen to seek God in all areas of my life. This letter has helped me to realize that I still have bitterness to work on. I still have some forgiving to do. But I know that I will be ok. No matter what happens in my life, I know that I will be ok because of Jesus Christ who strengthens me. I suggest you run to God as well. He will forgive you if you ask Him to. Maybe something good can come of all of this destruction. If He can forgive you....so can I. I know you will never read this...but I didn't write it for you. I feel better already. I can feel the peace and contentment setting in already.

Don't even get me started on my husband's role in all of this. That is another post for another day.

No Thanks For Being A Friend

Posted by Anonymous

This friendship is over. I am not in the least bit sad about it. It was never real to me. I thought it could be. I did try. But you could never open up enough for it to be a real friendship. You're too busy trying to present this picture to the world that isn't real.

I'm too old for this shit. And you're even older than me. I won't be made to feel bad for just letting a friendship go. If I were to have problems in my other friendships, I would talk about it. I would deal with issues, no matter how painful. But with this one, I'm afraid I don't care enough.

I'm mad at myself for letting you off easy. For making it seem as though I'm just too busy. If I felt like you cared at all, I would have made more of an effort.

I've overlooked snide comments, snotty comments, mean comments, and I've thought to myself, "I don't need this shit".

Really, I don't.

Perhaps we'll say goodbye this week. We're both moving.

Perhaps we won't. Perhaps you'll just blame me some more, even though I've been the best friend you've had for four years. Did you ever ask yourself why the other women stopped talking to you? Because you will never open up. You'll never be vulnerable, or real. You'll never let anyone see you without makeup, or let anyone in if your house is a mess.

That speaks volumes to me.

I'm over it. I'm mad that I'm even letting it bother me. We haven't spoken in a week, but I'm being blamed for this. You could have picked up the fucking phone. Or emailed. Or done anything to show that you cared. But because your husband is deployed for longer than mine, your struggle is bigger and more complicated than I could ever understand, right?

And just so you know, your son's comments have made it obvious what you say behind my back. He's too young to understand what not to say. But now I know.

I feel like I'm in high school. Can't a friendship just end without any recriminations? It's not working, move on, end of story.

Where I Wish I Was

Posted by Anonymous.

I am so disappointed in myself. And so jealous of her. We are the same age. We both graduated from high school the same year, went to college and both have a bachelor's degree. She makes $50,000 a year and I make $14.00 an hour. I feel like a failure. That should be me. I'm just as smart, just as capable as her. The difference? I have 2 kids. The position she was given over me requires her to travel 75% of the time. I am not in a position to do that because of my children. I cannot be away from home for extended periods of time and overnight. I love my children so much...so why do I resent them and feel like they are holding me back from a promotion? When I see her in the office (she has an office with a door and I work FOR her from a cubicle), I feel insufficient. I doubt myself. She is going on to get her master's. I can barely afford $200 a week in daycare, I can't even consider going back to school. She immediately got a job in her field of study after college and has 7+ years experience. Me? I worked at a zoo, then for a graphics company, then I had a baby and another baby. Now that I actually have a job relevant to my degree I have zero experience. If I hadn't married young, if I hadn't started a family so soon, if I had chosen a career path and stuck to it - I could be where she is. My husband has a good job, but does not even have a college education and he makes $20 an hour. My self esteem is in the toilet. I know I can't compare the joy of having two beautiful, healthy children to having a career, but I will be fully honest and say I wish I was where she is instead of where I am. And I get even more depressed about feeling that way.

Finding Friends

Posted by Kendra of Heart Wide Open.


Throughout my life, I have always had 1 or 2 very good friends. The type of friends you can sit and be silent with or laugh until you cry. Since graduating from college 3 1/2 years ago, my friends have scattered all over the country and a few outside the country as well. We see each other a few times a year. We email daily and we talk on the phone. I miss them. But they are in grad school or just starting out in their jobs. They party every weekend and don't understand that I don't do those things anymore.

I got married 2 weeks after graduating college and I love my husband very much. He has been my best friend for 6 1/2 years. His friendship was enough for me for a long time after college. We have an almost 1 year old daughter. I love the life I have, but something is missing. We moved 2 years ago to a small town in the midwest. It's the type of town where pretty much everyone has been there since they were kids. They grew up there and somehow I don't quite fit in, which is weird to me since I grew up in an equally small town an hour away. I never realized how easy it was to be accepted because you had lived there your whole life. I joined a volleyball league and a bunco group, but I have no close friends like I did all my life up to this point. I don't know why, but lately it seems to be all I can focus on, the not having close friends, especially the last few days. I've talked to my husband about how I feel, but he doesn't know how to help me. I tend to be shy at first when I meet people, which I've worked very hard to over come, but still it is there.

I seem to be at a loss on how to cultivate a good friendship, someone I can talk to about anything and have their understanding. My husband is my best friend, but he is a guy and doesn't always understand the things like a girl friend would. I work 40 hours a week, so I don't get to attend group things with my daughter where I might meet other moms my age. The two women I occasionally do things with have formed their own friendship and do things together every day while I am at work. They know each other inside and out and when I am with them I feel like an outsider. I don't blame them for that, I am just as bad about not inviting them to do things.

How do you find friends? Why can't I be happy with the wonderful life I have? I love my husband and my daughter and I wouldn't trade my life for anything (well except being rich enough that I didn't have to work). Why is this lack of friends so important that it is all I can focus on? Writing has been my outlet and I didn't feel I could post this on my blog. Since I started my blog when I was pregnant, it didn't seem like the right place to air these feelings, even though my blog has become as much about me as my daughter. I'm hoping that just writing this down will help me focus on the positives in my life, like my family. I'm not really looking for answers to these questions, but wanted someone to know how I felt and maybe hear that someone else has the same problems.