A Life In Tatters

Posted by Anonymous.

We've been together for over 14 years, we own our own flat, we have two beautiful, wonderful little girls and the world's best cat. We've had our ups and downs, and yes, 2009 will certainly go down as one of the all time crap years - you got almost no work all year and we had two huge, unexpected purchases to make (over 18,000 € in total). Money is tight, so tight it's suffocating us, and you're still looking for work but having a really hard time finding it. I know all that.

But I don't know what to do when you start laying all the blame on me, when you start accusing me of a million vile, untrue things (you've been having headaches and ringing in your ears, and somehow this is a sign that I've been "doing something" to harm you, poison you, drive you mad; you've accused me of taking drugs, of being a tyrant, a hypocrit, a compulsive and pathological liar, of sleeping with our computer maintenance guy, of picking up men from internet dating sites, of sleeping with any number of men (of being a prostitute, in a way, but an unpaid one apparently), of being a compulsive internet gamer, of being insane...). It's all untrue, but you refuse to believe me. You insist that I be frank and honest and sincere, but when I am, you refuse to believe me. You've become Dr Jekyll - kind, considerate, affectionate, just like you used to be way back in the beginning - and Mr Hyde, accusing me of horrible, horrible things, saying (as you did this afternoon, in front of our friends, our children) that "I can't be with her right now, it's physical", saying you have to move out, even though financially that's just not a possibility while you have no income and I only have debts. You are destroying me, slowly, painfully.

Our younger daughter turned 6 last Tuesday and is having her birthday party tomorrow afternoon. I've been trying so goddam hard to hold things together to make her special day, her special party day, happy for her. But it's so hard. You give me hope, you talk sensibly and positively and then, the next day, BANG, you destroy it all again.

Right now, I hate you but I know, deep down, I love you like I always have. I'll never find it easy to forgive and forget all the hateful things you've said and done these last few weeks (the bitch slap in front of our elder daughter "I'm not saying why you deserve it because you know perfectly well" when of course I don't know (I should point out, to be fair, that you have never, ever hurt me before, this really was the first time) will be particularly hard to forgive and forget, as will the accusation that I'm trying to harm you physically), but I'll try. Just like I forgave (though didn't forget, I admit) your infidelities at the start of our relationship.

Ever since we've been together, I've been honest, faithful and supportive. I've worked like a slave to keep our heads above water (you did the lion's share of the household stuff, and I could never have worked as hard as I have without your help, I'm not denying that, or denigrating it, I appreciate it, but assumed it was just your role in the team I thought - wrongly, apparently - we were), I've done nothing but my best for us as a couple, a family.

You are now throwing it all away, on the basis of "facts" that you refuse to admit are false. I'm worried for your mental health, I'm worried about where this will all end. We live a long way away from the small amount of family I have, and almost as far from my two closest friends, so I feel horribly alone and totally unsure of what to do next.

I have to keep it together for tomorrow, I have cakes to make and goodie bags to prepare, I want our little girl to have a fun party, without you ruining everything by accusing me of something untrue in front of everyone. But I'm so scared, so very scared.

You're now talking about alternating custody, and that breaks my heart too. You refuse to go and see a counselor ("what for? You'd tell him your side, I'd tell him mine, it wouldn't get us anywhere"), you refuse to see a psychiatrist ("why? You're the one who needs psychiatric help!"), we just go round in circles.

I'm scared, I'm in pain, I'm alone and I'm more miserable than I've been in years.

I wish I knew what to do.

Can't Let Go

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear He Who Shall Not Be Named:

I've been in love with you for 11 years now. Twice you rejected me telling me it was too soon and you didn't want to hurt me, you just were not ready. I married and had children. And 7 years after I married you tell me you made a mistake. I told you I was going to leave my husband and you said you couldn't wait for me to be free so that you have this third and final chance. And truth be told I was on the fence about leaving but when you said that, despite what I've told you I will always know I left my husband for that chance with you.

Texts and emails and phone calls with wonderful words coming from your mouth that were everything I ever wanted to hear from you. You told me that you wanted to take on my children, that you didn't mind. You wanted this chance you needed this chance.

And then I told you that I kicked my husband out for good. That I was alone and waiting for you. And then you only called when you wanted to have sex. Telling me it was more than a booty call..but I knew better. Then when I got upset with you, you told me to back off a bit and we'd take it slow and you wanted to build a friendship first. So I did. And you called me again out of the blue and what did you want...sex.

I know better. I know that I mean nothing to you. I know this will never happen like I want it to. So why do I keep having sex with you? Because I have this hope that one day you will feel like I do and sex is the only way to keep you around to make that happen.

11 years my love, 11 years. Every day I'd look at my husband and wish he was you. I even secretly named my son after you. A reminder to me that my son would always be first in my life. And yet here I am unable to think of anything but you. It's killing me that you don't love me, but you know I love you and yet you continue to use me. But I can't let go. I can't. For I keep thinking of that small chance that you will love me one day, that I can have what I've been dreaming about for 11 years now.

So tonight when you come over, and during that brief time I feel whole, I hope you see it in my eyes and just let me go..cuz I can't, I am not strong enough to just let you go.

Abandoned

Posted by Anonymous.

It was almost 10 years ago when you called me on the phone. I had been expecting to hear from you earlier that day, and when you hadn't called, I tried to call you, but to no avail. When you finally did call, I was out of breath from getting the windows open. It was a hot August day in 1999.

We had just graduated college in May. I had known you for 4 years, and we were attached at the hip for just about that whole time. We lived in the same residence hall for the first few months of school, and then I moved home and commuted. I kept in touch with you and a few others from the building, and we became fast and tight friends. We would see each other every day after class and just about every weekend. When I came out to you during our sophomore year, you were so supportive. You took me under your wing and protected me from people who tried to hurt me with their words. You were so wonderful and caring. Your parents were the opposite, and you were a "lotus flower" that grew up and out of the dingiest of conditions. Remember that night that we were parked in front of your building talking, and some jerks started throwing snowballs at us because they thought we were together? You didn't even mind being considered gay by association. And when I fell for you, you supported me, and gently reminded me that you were straight. Yet you would confuse me. You would hold my hand as we walked together, let me bite you gently on the neck once. You were too good to be true, I can see that now. We were convinced we were sisters in another life. "Soul sisters" we called ourselves, and spent countless hours talking and writing each other notes expressing our love for one another. I did all I could do for you. I typed your papers for you as you dictated them to me. Helped you get over your fear of your public speaking course. My family let you stay with us during break weeks. And when your parents couldn't come get you after the end of Junior year because your dad got hurt, my dad and I brought you and all of your stuff the 4 hour drive (one way) home. Then we turned around and came back.

Then you met him. This guy, this one you said was annoying, ugly, and not your type. All of a sudden you were dating him. The kind of macho, egotistical, arrogant man I despised. You started spending more and more of your time with him, and I understood, but was of course jealous. I tried not to let you see it, but I'm sure you could.

You had spent a week at my house visiting just before that fateful phone call. I tried to ask how you were doing, talk like we had always done. But you were different. "I can't be your friend anymore," you said. The words cut through me like a knife and knocked the wind out of my chest. "What?" I said, stifling tears. "Look, I can't talk to you anymore, I don't want to." Click. You hung up on me. In the 4 years I knew you, you had never treated me that way, never hung up on me. And when I called back, he answered. Told me not to call you again. Told me this was not easy for you, but you had to do it. Why? That was my only question, but he hung up on me too. And then I threw up. I was convinced it was him, so I did try to call you again a few days later, and when I got you to answer, you hung up on me again and I knew it was you. Then you had the police call my house and tell me not to call again. The officer said I could try other ways of contacting you, but don't call. I put my fist through our "best friends" picture. I packed all of the things you ever gave me into a box and I was going to send it all to you. (I still have that box, buried away in my closet). I cried for days and it took a while to pull myself back up.

But I did. I got myself an apartment, new friends, and eventually, a girlfriend. I never heard from you again. I still think about you once in a while. I heard you did the same thing to some of your other friends, and that the ones you didn't do it to saw a noticeable change in your attitude. I heard you married him.

Now, 10 years later, I am still asking myself why? What did I do? Why did I deserve to be tossed out like garbage? But most of all I ask how? How could you do that to someone you supposedly love so much?

Every once in a while I come across your picture, or a note you wrote to me, and I have the urge to rip it to shreds, but part of me still hangs onto it. Part of me still has fantasies of you showing up on my doorstep, apologizing.

I am with the love of my life now. And we have everything in the world I have ever wanted. I know I am loved, and I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. Just once in a while you pop in my head, and I wish I had the closure I so desperately needed from you 10 long years ago.

I Feel Broken

Posted by Anonymous.

Let me give you a little background on my relationship with The Ex. We were together for four years. We have a soon to be 2 year old daughter. For the first couple of years, our relationship was fine. Up until right before I got pregnant, that is. That was the first time he cheated on me. I was devastated, but not yet a believer in the old adage, "once a cheater always a cheater." I forgave. I let it go. All was well for my pregnancy. Then, a month after I gave birth to our daughter, he says he is leaving me. He has met someone and fallen for her. Says he has wanted to leave since before I got pregnant and just decided to try and stick it out. Once again I am crushed. The bottom has fallen out of my world. I am terrified, alone, and a mother. How will I deal with this? I feel desperate. I will do anything if only he would come back to me. Acting so pathetic makes me disgusted with myself, but I do not care. I love him. Lo and behold, suddenly he wants to come home-and so I let him. But there is a catch. He does not break it off with her. I tell myself that this will just be temporary. If only I can stick it out, we can be happy again.

This goes on for weeks. Then months. Before I quite know what has happened, a year and a half has gone by. This woman is still in his life. It's been going on for so long that it almost seems normal to me. Then, again. One night he comes home with a hickey on his neck. I know where he was, and it wasn't with her. There is yet another woman. An old friend of his, whom I had always been friendly with. I realize I am simply a member of his harem. I finally get angry. For some time now I have been harboring a secret lust for my neighbor, K. He knows what is going on with The Ex. Many times he has told me how wrong it is, the way he treats me. He knows I am about at the end of my rope and to my surprise, starts making tentative advances. He drops hints. We have long conversations, sitting outside on the stairs, smoking, late at night when the Ex is with her and my daughter asleep. He is a whole different world from the Ex. He doesn't insult and degrade me.

One night, when the Ex is out for an overnight fishing trip, I invite him in. We spend hours curled up on the couch. Ever so gradually, as if he's scared I will run out of the room if he moves too quickly, he inches closer. There is, finally, a kiss. There is much cuddling. He lets me set the pace and does not pressure me. Eventually, one thing leads to another. It is amazing. I haven't been with anyone but the Ex in 4 years. I had forgotten what it feels like to be with someone that hasn't hurt you so terribly-for it to be easy, and simple, and to have nothing niggling away, reminding you of past hurts. At first I think, this will be it-a one night stand, my private victory over the Ex for all he has done to me. Petty, perhaps, but also cathartic. But a few nights later, a conversation with K, coupled with the fact that I haven't been able to stop thinking about him, changes that. I tell the Ex we are done. I tell him to get his things and leave. He rages. He yells. He cries. He swears he will change, asks what I have to lose by giving him another chance. I think of K. I stand firm. Finally, I have taken a stand. Never did I think I would be strong enough to do this. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


And now, there is K. For a few months, all is well. I am constantly amazed by how much easier things are with him. There are no fights, no screaming, no name calling and no cheating. He treats me as though I am some fragile creature, and he is afraid I will blow away in the wind. He is calm and kindness after anger and chaos. He is amazing, and there is a fiery passion between us that had been missing for far too long in my life. I start to fall in love with him. I feel as though he is safe-I sense none of the coldness or cruelty in him that the Ex had. Being near him centers me, calms me. Whenever he is around I feel as though nothing can touch me. He is safe. He is my courage. Alas, happiness seems to be fleeting. One day, after an offhand remark by him, I realize he is not so perfect. It seems he has problems staying in a long term relationship-not because of cheating, mind you, but because as soon as he starts to feel something real he takes off. He refuses to stay with anyone for long. I am floored again, and tearfully I tell him that if that is the case, then I must cut my losses and go now. I am too close to being head over heels in love with him to wait around for him to bail out on me. I must be the one that walks away. And so with one last hug, I do.

And now, I am afraid. K gave me one thing-he helped me to move on from the Ex. Now there is no longer any danger of me taking him back again. I feel nothing for him but a tired sort of tolerance, in that he must be in my life because of my daughter. But he no longer owns me. But he was so big a part of me, for so long, that I feel strange and empty not loving him. And I am still hurting over K-I let myself feel for him because he seemed safe, I thought he would never hurt me. I know he felt something real too-there is just no way to fake what we had. So I am hurt and confused over how he could just turn his back on it. So, twice heartbroken and wondering what to do, here I sit. I feel so battered down and beaten by everything I've been through, I just can't seem to find any reason to try anymore. Now, I'm not suicidal, don't take it wrong. I just feel like giving up on life. What is the point of risking yourself, of trying to find something, when all it does is turn around and bite you on the ass? Why even try? I am so utterly tired of being hurt, and used, and never good enough for anyone that I feel like I should just slam the door to my feelings closed and throw away the key. I'm sick of giving myself to someone only to be thrown away.

I have my daughter to raise, and I feel as though that should give my life purpose and illumination. But it doesn't. I love my daughter fiercely and completely, I would lay down my life for hers, but that does not automatically make me immune to the trials and tribulations of life. People speak of parenthood as though it should be your one purpose and goal in life, as if you cease to be a person and are merely a child raising automaton the second you give birth. But I am still me. I still have all the same doubts and fears, I still love and still hurt and still wonder what it's all about. I can't help that. But I just can't seem to get back on my feet this time - I don't know how to find the strength to keep trying anymore.