If you'd like to use this space to vent or rant or tell the stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal (or paternal!) mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...
This entry is so hard and so easy for me to write. Easy due to the anonymity finally afforded to me but difficult because it's still sharing stuff that I don't know I should share. But I will because I am guessing that I'm not alone here. Since I've had my baby, even before I had my child, things have been falling apart in my marriage. I met my husband when I was young. And, I have been with him ever since. When we met I had been in several relationships, both short and longer term. I think I thought I was ready to meet "the one" and I thought he was it. I should go back and say when I was young, 13, I was in a pretty damaging relationship with a guy about 10 years older and I think that really influenced my dating life as I matured. So, when I met my husband, then boyfriend, I was very determined to make it work, and I pushed for it to work. I made him what I wanted and I made me what he wanted and when I graduated from school I got married.
The only problem was, I suddenly got into this marriage and realized that marriage is a huge commitment. And, I panicked. I was young and scared. And, having grown up as "the ugly duckling" I was developing into a somewhat pretty adult, and all of a sudden there was a lot more attention being paid to me by guys. I almost cheated, almost, and then didn't. And when I spoke to my husband about that he accused me of cheating on him, and still does accuse me of that. Over and over and over. But, I did the right thing. I went to counselling and I worked on issues. I tried to become a better person, to like myself more and to be successful. The only problem was the my husband wasn't really on board. If I went to the gym and worked out and was tired I was told that I shouldn't do so much. If I had friends who were, gasp, male there was a cloud of suspiscion over that friendship. But, we plugged on and there were high points and low points typical of any marriage.
And, then I got pregnant. I loved pregnancy because for a full 10 months I was treated well. I was the beloved, and everything was good. We had occassional fights, but they were about nursery colours and baby names, not about the type of person I was or what I was doing right or wrong. But, then the baby came and after a few short months of chalking everything up to having a newborn, we started to fight again. Except the fights got worse. He would scream at me more than he ever had. Like full out screaming, not just the stupid quiet telling me off I was used to. And, I would yell too. It was ridiculous. It still is ridiculous.
We tried marriage counselling. But, that only helped in the short term. I was supposed to improve some things and he was supposed to improve some stuff. And, when the counsellor went through a check list of: did you do this, did you do that, he proudly sat there saying yes, yes, yes. But, as soon as our few weeks were over he went back to what he always did - sitting on his butt, being pissed off at me while I run around as super mom, super wife and pissed off spouse.
And, now I am at a crossroads. What do I do? Do I keep on with this? Do I keep trying to make things work? Do I accept that unless I am the parent of my child AND my husband that this relationship won't work? Why is it that I have to give him directions - constantly? Why is it that if I don't do the laundry in a week no one does. If the fridge is empty we don't fill it - we go out. Unless I take over. Why is it that I have to pick up after a child and a husband? My child is little and is learning. My husband is neither. How do you make the decision? It used to be that I thought it was in my head - that on the outside we were the perfect couple, but in my house we weren't. But, that has all changed. People are slowly seeing the cracked facade. Friends who are close keep asking me what I'm going to do. Am I going to leave? How can they help? And this isn't coming from the stories I am telling them. It is coming from them watching the interaction. Experiencing the guilt trips placed on me when I try to take some time off.
The other day a family friend who has known me a long time mentioned it. Asked if I needed anything, said he can tell I'm upset. Yet I keep on. Why? Do I love him? I'm not really sure. I wish I could say absolutely 100% yes. I love who he was, but not who he is. I can't stand the way he acts toward me. I can't stand that the spirit, the thing that makes me ME is the thing that he hates the most. But, I don't have the courage to leave. I don't know where I would go, and I don't want to face the thought of my child not seeing his dad. And, the person I should be talking about this won't talk to me. He tells me this is all my fault, that I am imagining things, that I am the one pushing him away. And, maybe I am. Because maybe I am accepting this is over. I don't know. And I don't know what to do. I don't even think I need advice because I don't know what anyone could say. I just need people to listen and to care. And maybe tell me I'm not crazy.