Monday, April 30, 2007

The Darkness Calls Me Every Night

Posted by Anonymous.

I am wishing and hoping to succumb to the darkness. I wish for and pray that it will take me in my sleep. I only wish that it will happen soon. I need someserious help and my only hope is that it comes in theform of death. I pray for the lord to take me every night.

I have a problem and much of it is my fault. Many years ago at the age of ten I was molested by a man who was my mother's boyfriend. My mother got pregnant by this man and had a little boy named Jason. He was such a great boy and I ended up raising him. This man named Adam, my molester, would call and tell me that if I did not put my mother on the phone he would tell her "what I did". I was so scared as a child!

I am now a mother of two small children. I recently contacted my molester and he has had no contact with his child, Jason. He begged me and preyed upon me to convince my mother (who I have no contact with) to tell her what a great person he was and I should allow him to have contact with his own son. I felt some kind of remorse and called upon my mother to have a small amount of regret for her shortcomings! I told her that I lied about Adam molesting me and she should allow her son to contact his father. She was an absolute hateful and disgusting person in my life...but I wanted my brother to know his own father. Well, guess what? My mother and Adam decided to get together and tell my little brother that I was a piece of shit and that I lied my whole life about Adam molesting me! So they both came up with the following story: I accused Adam of molesting me and I was a liar... my mother said that she could not in good conscience tell her son that his father was a child molester! But, know that she knew I lie yet, she felt like she had an obligation to tell him the "truth;" IE his father was a child molester.

So, now Adam, my molester, is in contact with his son. Now my brother hates me because he thinks that I kept him from his father for all these years. I know the truth! I remember when he tried to stick his dick in me when I was ten. I remember when he tried to fuck me in a garage! When he tried to hold my hand when my stupid mother was in the same room. When she forced me to go with him in his Nova (car). I hated it. I hated them all. I was a terrible child because of this and thus was seriously hated by everyone in my family. My sisters (I have two) and my brothers, Jason and a little guy named Cameron. They all now HATE ME! They think I am the cause of everything that has ever gone wrong in their lives.

I am a very successful and educated person. I have two degrees and am working on my third degree. No one in my family is accomplished. However, it really doesn't come down to that... they so hate me. I am the most hated person it the world and it hurts so bad. My little children ages 4 and 6 have a grandmother who hates their guts. I am not a very tolerant person and I have to admit that I fueled the fire in these people because I think they deserve to be humiliated like I have! I have called them nasty names and told them about the secrets that they harbor. I know that is wrong but I can't forgive them. I feel like I need to punish both my mother (for some many things not explained here) and Adam for molesting me as a little girl.

How come I can't get over this? What am I missing? I have tried to put a bullet in my head to just stop this all... I missed... a very very sorry mistake on my part! I would miss my children terribly, but, I would not feel remorse for me not being in their lives. I am not a good person and I know that. At this stage I am depending on alcohol to get me through my nights. I am now a serious alcoholic. I can not risk treatment for fear of them taking my children away. I only drink at night when my children are asleep... yeah I know not an excuse but a way of acknowledging that I am not hurting them! I am so fucked up that I can not even think! I just want to kill myself because of this asshole! How the fuck can I get over this?

Please anyone who has been in my situation please help me. I want to bury this man but I can't ~ How can I execute revenge and feel good? I need him to suffer like I did! At this point the only people who are suffering are my husband and myself! I want REVENGE!! Please advise! If I do not get revenge I am fearful of what may happen to myself!

Note from HBM:

For Anonymous, and anyone who is living through this kind of pain: please, please, please find someone to talk to - a counsellor, a doctor, a religious advisor, anyone. We'll give you all of the help that we can here, but please find some support offline, as well.
Some resources, as a start:

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
RAINN Crisis Centres
Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse, Support Groups
Darkness To Light - Resources for Sexual Abuse Victims

National (US) Helpline for Resources/Info/Support for Victims of Sexual Abuse: 1-866-FOR-LIGHT (367-5444)

(Anyone know of other good resources? Please leave them in comments.)

Dear Anonymous, we're right here, holding your hand. Please do whatever you can to find even more hands.

xo, Catherine/HBM

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Scared in the Sunshine

Posted By Anonymous.

I'm in a very dangerous place at the moment. I'm standing in a sunlit dining room with a rosy cheeked 21-month-old playing happily beside me, but my mind and my heart are in a very dark, dangerous, scary place.

I wish I weren't here. I wish I weren't anywhere. I don't want to die. I just wish I could cease to exist. I think everyone around me would be better for it. At least I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore. This sucks.

About a dozen and a half times today, I've had the unbearable urge to scream at my child. Or cry. Or just put her safely in her crib with a sippy cup, some crackers and a book and drive far, far, far away. I didn't do any of those things.

I'm exhausted. Tired from getting four hours of sleep a night. Tired from being everyone's support. Tired of feeling like I have to work stupid hours so we can live in a good neighborhood, save for retirement and maybe, *maybe* take a vacation or get a new car one day. Tired of hearing my husband say how much his job sucks. (Dude, maybe if you had gotten your shit together when you were 20, you wouldn't be trying to figure out what to do with your life and I wouldn't be in the position of being the major-income-earner-benefit-provider-and-everything-else-under-the-sun.) Tired of feeling like I've screwed up my life with a series of really bad choices.

My child threw a fit this morning when I wanted to wear a skirt. I'm tired of that, too. Tired of not being able to wear or do what I want when I want.

I'm praying that naptime comes easily today because if it doesn't....well, I still probably won't scream or drive away or stick my head in the oven. I'll cry into my pillow for a while, suck it up and go get the kid. Because that's what I do. For now.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Not Your Everyday Family Dilemma

Posted by Anonymous.

Just now, when I was on the phone with my little sister, she told me that her boyfriend left to go rob a nearby convenience store -- he says he needs the money to pay bills. WTF? He has a pretty darn good job in the billing department of the largest hospital in our state. Has he not heard of a budget?

What happens to my little sister and her kids when this guy gets caught & arrested? Should I tell someone? Does knowing and not telling make me an accessory?

Monday, April 02, 2007

Wondering How To Cope

Posted by Anonymous.

Let me start at the beginning. OK, this is long, but I feel like you need a background and my analysis in order to give me some new ideas.

My husband and I met at college and graduated at the same time in the same professional field (a male-dominated one). He started working and I went to grad school. After grad school we got married, and worked at different places, but basically doing the same thing for the same pay. Everything was so equal shmequal it was cute. We felt proud of ourselves for having such a great relationship, where we could talk about everything and I was happy to be in a relationship and job where I felt equal to my male peers (including the hubs). Our arguments were mostly about trying to get him to help with the housework, and that I felt inferior to him athletically (which duh, guys ARE stronger, and gee I would love to have that body now). Pretty normal stuff, and made for some happy times. We were pretty much the epitome of DINKs.

About 5 years ago my husband started getting migraines. He got on some meds for them, and he hates being on meds. He went to about 5 doctors, had MRIs, the works. Diagnosis = migraines. His are the kind that are constantly there, not so debilitating that he has to hole up in the dark, but a pounding head all the time. I can imagine it is frustrating, distracting, and damn hurts. His temper grew shorter. I made concessions on things like picking up the house so he could rest, etc. to the point that I was doing everything around the house (shopping, cooking, cleaning, bills, caring for the pets, you all know what I mean). I could handle it, but it was juggle. Our sex life was typical, I think. Two to four times per week, sometimes just for him, but usually we both wanted it. Over the years his salary started to diverge from mine, and he made more, still doing very similar work. I coped but I didn't feel quite so equal.

Then we got pregnant. I told him early on that in order for me to manage this working mom thing he would need to pony up with the house stuff. He agreed. We tried division of labor, lists, all that. He has good intentions, but puts things off to the point that I end up doing them (you can only "put off" the bills for so long before it costs you, right?). Sex was pretty normal during pregnancy, but at the end I just was too tired a lot and many times said no, much to his frustration. As with new parents we devoured all reading and advice material, and were excited for the arrival. Learned that I was not supposed to have sex for six weeks after birth, etc. He had been growing more and more frustrated with my putting him off, and said things like "Men need sex. If I don't get it from my wife I will have to find other methods." I was enormously pregnant with an alien in my body, freaked out about the future of balancing work and home and a kid etc, and less and less able to be happy about sex. Although he never said it, the thought that he would cheat on me made me feel powerless because now I had a kid and therefore no escape route. I think I was pretty normal, but this was completely demoralizing and I felt like a cow at work, where no one at my company had ever been pregnant before. I started putting out for him just for him, and I hated it. Resented it. (For the record, I know he has not cheated.)

After the birth, he kept asking when we could have sex. At five weeks, he became very insistent, and said that he "read that the best way to get back into a normal sex life after birth is to just do it, bear the pain, and it will get better over time." Ok, I've read that, too, but hello reality! Anyways, I put out (in much pain), and cried as he fell asleep two minutes after. Anytime I would be affectionate with him, he seemed to perceive it as an invitation for sex, and would try things like fondling my boobs (which were NOT in the mood to be fondled while struggling with breastfeeding, which I eventually failed at after three months of trying-- four ounces per day was not going to stop the hungry cries!). Eventually I resisted being affectionate with him because it always led to putting out for him or some confrontation about it. (Yes, I recognized that I was getting all the affection I needed from the baby.) There was no cuddling after sex either, which I would have liked, since he falls asleep within 2 minutes of finishing. More grumpiness from the headaches.....

So you say "talk to him and explain how you feel!" Well, I tried. He says "I don't want to TALK about sex. I want to HAVE sex." All the while the migraines have gotten worse, predictably I would guess from the stress of being a new parent, less sleep, less time for himself, etc. We were both pretty grumpy, I admit. One conversation we did have, I said the grumpiness was affecting me, and he said that I should have sex with him whenever he asked for it and that would make him less grumpy. So from then on I tried (and still do) to put out when he expects it. Usually 2-3 times per week. I resent it and it makes me feel like that is all he sees in me. It does not give me a good self image.

This has been going on for 2 years. His headaches are still there and the resulting grumpiness and short temper. I work full time and take care of everything at the house. I finally hired a cleaning lady that comes every other week (even though he does not like the fact that a stranger is in the house while we are gone). By now his salary is about 10% more than mine, still doing similar work. As the baby became a toddler, he has gotten better about doing his share of childcare, and takes her to daycare and the zoo and swimming etc. We both love our child immensely.

In January, we decided to take a new approach with the headaches: diet. Migraines are often triggered by certain foods. A mighty long list of foods. So my task of meal planning, shopping, and cooking became very difficult. (I bought recipe books, etc, for headaches). If I miss something and serve the wrong thing, he gets frustrated-- with me for not knowing the list by heart (he says "you don't care about my headaches"), with himself because he wants to eat the food but won't and because he is in general just so sick of the headache issue. So am I, buddy.

Here is my point (finally). Under the surface I am so angry all the time. I scream at him in my head all the time, although we have NEVER yelled at each other or called each other names. On the surface we are very respectful to each other, and appear fine in front of our child. I do not want to cross that line of names and yelling. Something in our marriage would break at that point and be very hard to fix. I am angry about the sex issue and feeling demoralized about it, I am angry about all the normal mom stuff (not losing the pregnancy pounds, lack of freedom, balancing work and home guilt, general exhaustion), I am angry about feeling like a less powerful woman in the workplace in terms of salary, I am angry that I have to do all the damn house stuff. I feel that if I brought it to a head with him it would just make his head hurt all the worse. Everytime I say anything that might be a pity party for me, he gets defensive. So when he asks "What is the matter" I just say "I'm fine" and smile. So when I am feeling angry or sad, I try to block it all out by saying over and over again in my head "It doesn't matter (that you don't feel like sex), it doesn't matter (that you want to sleep through the night), it doesn't matter (that you are so fake/fat/underpaid/etc), it doesn't matter (that your favorite shirt just got stained with juice)." Really, though, does it matter???? I am normal to everyone who knows me, but I feel horrible about myself all the time, about my weight, about sex, about work, about my husband. The only thing that is good is our child, a typical challenging toddler, but wonderful and well adjusted and all that.

So you say "get therapy". I think I would resent that, too. With all we spend on daycare, housekeeping, doctors, etc, I know we can't afford it. (And I know because I write the checks and pay the bills.)

So you say "exercise and you will feel better". I try, but it is pretty irregular. I try to go to the gym at lunch, but that is also the time I have to run the errands. I went to an aerobics class last night and when I got home the dinner he prepared our child was marginal, the house was chaos, and I could tell his head was killing him, and he was a grump. I wondered if it was even worth my outing to the gym.

As I read this, it sounds like my husband is an ass. He really is not, and I love him very much, and the headaches are real issue that he is not being a wimp about. I am just so angry...... And now he wants to have another child, and I would love to, but the stress and anger would not go away and I think I would break in two.

So, tell me I'm normal and that I should just get over my pity party.