Monday, July 30, 2007


Posted By Anonymous.

As a person who writes as a form of personal therapy, it has been painful to NOT be able to write about the one thing that is devastating my life right now.

My husband had an affair. Not a physical affair, but in some ways this is worse. He had an emotional affair with an old girlfriend from his college days by email and phone. He alluded to something going on when he mentioned that he had been in contact with an old friend by phone, but when I checked our cell log I realized that they had spoken ever day for two weeks. Sometimes four times a day. For hours. He admitted that he had fallen back in love with her, and even worse, that the love he had for her (in their former relationship) was deeper than the feelings he had ever had for me. But he also realized that the past was past. That this was a fantasy with zero chance of being reality (she is also married with a son), and he ended the relationship completely and says he wants to repair our marriage. He also said that he has been depressed and unhappy in our marriage for some time.

I cannot begin to express in words the pain that this has caused me. I never, not once, realized that there was anything wrong. I honestly believed, to the bottom of my heart, that we were soulmates. That we had the perfect relationship. The very foundation of my world has been shattered.

My husband is a good man, a great father, and he seems genuinely remorseful that things progressed this far. But I desperately want, need, to hear that he thinks that we can move past this, repair our marriage, and be happy with each other. I do not want to lose him, even now. I love him as madly as I did the day we met. But he seems so uncertain himself, so depressed that he can't give me the reassurances I need to hear.

We have a two-year-old son whom we both love with all our being. And we both want him to grow up in a relationship that is happy and secure. I truly want to believe that we can give this to him together. I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage. My husband sounds so uncertain now that it breaks my heart. He tells me that he is still here. That he wants to try. That he still loves me. But he is unsure that we will be able to recreate something that will bring happiness. I don't know if he is speaking through the lenses of his depression, or from the freshness of having to end his affair, but it is his uncertainty, his ambivalence, that hurts far, far worse than the betrayal itself. It is the fact that he never told me there was something wrong that brings the most pain. I feel I have lost before I have even had the chance to try. I feel like the emotional rollercoaster, the fear and the pain that I am going through right now, will drive him away before we can heal. These are the darkest days of my life.

He has agreed to start counseling, and we are still together, but I could use some hope right now and some help getting through my days.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Won't You Be My (NOT SO NAKED) Neighbor?

Posted by Sarah.

Hi. This is Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah. I didn't want to publish this on my own site because, well, the bigger my blog gets, the more of my neighbors know about me and read me. I don't think that this particular neighbor knows about my blog, but you can never really be sure. Hell, she
might read the basement every day. If so, she deserves to read this. It is freakish anyway.

I have mentioned my crazy neighbor on my personal blog before, but this one really has me perplexed.

You see, our back yards are connected. She lives on the corner, so her kitchen windows look right into my back yard. Her kitchen table is right in front of sliding glass doors that go on to her deck, and look right into my backyard.

Many times I will be outside and she will start talking to me from inside of her house. That is pretty fucked up. My husbands always says "Why can't she just pretend we can't see inside of her house?"

I think he has a great point.

So, anyway, last night we are having a picnic in our back yard. The four of us barbecued and ate out back. It was a really nice family dinner and my kids were sitting at their little picnic table and having a great time when the neighbor starts talking to us from inside of her kitchen.

I saw a deer in your yard the other day!

(That is fantastic. Now mind your own damn beeswax. We are having a family dinner here)

So, are you eating outside?

This is when she and her four year old daughter both wander out on to their deck to interrupt our meal.

In their underwear.

(I'll let that sink in for a second)

A 40 year old woman and a four year old girl came outside to talk to us in t-shirts and underpants.


Why would someone do that?


My mind is completely blown. What could she be thinking? I have seen her daughter outside with no pants or underwear on before, but she is just a little kid so I let it slide. Why is this woman coming out in her year to talk to us without pants on?

I appreciate you letting me vent to you. I'm pretty sure she looks through my windows at night and goes through our trash, so I'm not sure SATGS is a safe place to vent about her anymore.

Monday, July 23, 2007

And Now, A Word From Her Bad Mother...

Dear Basement Friends

What's that on the sidebar? Over there, at the right? Yep, those are ads. BlogHer ads.

The Basement is now officially part of the BlogHer Ad Network.

I deliberated long and hard about putting ads up here. I didn't do it last year when the BlogHer ad network first launched, because I felt that I really had no license to do so: this is a community space, and I only the moderator. I also didn't want ads to sully the homey-ness of the space. I didn't want the Basement to become the site of a Tupperware party.

But then, over the past year, I realised that I wanted to be able to gussy the place up a little. Get a banner designed, put down some more pillows and throw-blankets and maybe some more teacups. None of which is (for me, anyway, who cannot design or code to save her life) free.

So I've put up ads. BlogHer ads, because I can control what ads appear, and because I strongly support the BlogHer community. Any revenue from those ads will go, I assure you, only to the maintenance of the site (makin' it pretty, maybe moving it to a better blog host, maybe purchasing the domain name). Anything left over, will go to charity. This charity. (You can read about why I support this charity here.)

Think of it as a little community coin-jar. To keep us stocked with tea and cookies and pillows, and to help us make a little difference in the world from time to time.

I really hope that you don't mind. I really hope that you keep visiting, and that you keep sharing your stories.

Thanks for being such wonderful story-tellers, such wonderful listeners, such wonderful friends. And keep those stories comin'.

Her Bad Mother

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Help Me To Help Her

Posted by Anonymous.

I am feeling completely helpless with regards to my sister and I just
don't know what to do anymore. When we were growing up, we were very
close. We spent a great deal of time together and had many friends in
common, in spite of our 3.5-year age difference (she is older). but
in her senior year of high school, I began to notice we were drifting

L. - my sister - worked at a nearby restaurant, and one day she told
me that she was sleeping with her boss. I was shocked, because he was
significantly older and engaged to another woman. L. had chosen to
sleep with him because she thought he would "have a lot to teach
[her]," but there was no real affection between them. They were also
reckless about their affair, often having sexual relations in his
office during work. I had no idea where this had come from, but it
proved to be only the beginning.

Over the following years, while she was in college, she drank often
and began smoking pot. She had a series of casual affairs with other
men, and one serious relationship that was extremely unhealthy for
both parties. After college, L. moved to Las Vegas, which I now
consider to be one of the major steps on the road to her current
situation. In the six years since she moved there, she has never held
a job longer than 10 months. Even though she had a college degree,
none of her jobs was good as a long-term career, and none was a
financially great choice, so she wasn't really accumulating savings.
With every job, she would be happy at first, but inevitably she would
begin to complain and look for greener grass somewhere else.

During this time, she was still making terrible relationship choices
as well. She would sleep with married coworkers, uncaring of both the
professional risk and the emotional havoc she was creating in the
lives of others. She continued drinking and smoking pot, often going
on weekend party trips with friends to "drink and hook up." She had a
string of bad boyfriends culminating in a complete scumbag to whom she
even became engaged. He was a compulsive liar, and in the 3.5 years
they were together, he never got a job. He did, however, have
expensive tastes, and L. paid for all his nice things, including a
brand new Corvette. And to afford all this, she let him talk her into
becoming a stripper, and eventually a prostitute.

For ten months she lived and worked at a brothel three out of every
four weeks. And while she was away, this boyfriend/fiance lived in
her house, spending her money and playing World of Warcraft.
Fortunately, she eventually gave up prostitution - turns out working
at a brothel isn't as lucrative as one might think, especially when
your fiance is draining your bank accounts every month. It wasn't
long before she had to file for bankruptcy, but at least that was a
step towards climbing out of her financial pit o' despair. She got a
job managing at a restaurant, which she seemed to enjoy much more than
waitressing. And a few months ago, she even kicked out her lowlife
fiance. Things seemed like they were looking up.

Unfortunately, it didn't last. Almost immediately, L. started
sleeping with her new co-manager R., a married man with a
four-year-old son. He repeatedly promises to leave his wife, even
though she recently became pregnant again (she ended up miscarrying,
though). The two of them - my sister and R. - also occasionally have
sex with one of the female servers at the restaurant, who in addition
to being their employee is also engaged to someone else. L. still
drinks a lot, not only at social occasions, but at work, too. And
about a month ago, she called me up and nonchalantly asked, "What do
you know about cocaine?" Apparently R. and the female server both do
it, and now L. is considering trying it. I was shocked and
disappointed, but L. keeps trying to claim that it's no big deal, and
that this new "relationship" with R. is much healthier than the last.

Then, just a few days ago, she called and asked to borrow $500. She
said she needed it right away, and when I asked for an explanation,
she told me it was bail money for R. He'd gotten into a fight at a
bar and beaten up some guy. While it hurt me to do so, I had to tell
her no, because I just didn't feel comfortable loaning that kind of
money for R. I don't like having to turn down a favor for someone I
love when I have the means to help, but I just couldn't do it. It
upset me so much that I had to call one of my close friends to ask for
reassurance - had I done the right thing?

L. is only 28, so I keep telling myself there is still time for her to
get her life on track and start making good decisions. I'm really not
one to judge her - and none of this is judgment so much as concern.
I've made my share of bad decisions in my personal life, but I feel
like I've acknowledged my poor choices in a way that she hasn't with
hers, and I'm learning from my mistakes where she's repeating hers.

I'm the little sister here - I'm only 25. But I feel an overwhelming
need to help her. To fix her. To *save* her somehow. I can't
imagine ever giving up on her, but I also am getting to the point
where I don't know what I can do anymore. I just love her so much,
and I hate watching her make one bad decision after another. Is there
anything I can do? What would you do?

Thank you so much for reading, and if you have any thoughts, PLEASE
share them.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Getting Over An Affair

Posted By Anonymous.

What is the statute of limitations on an affair? How long can the other spouse go on being distrustful of the cheater? When is the point that the cheater decides that enough is enough and if they don't have trust by now, they will never have it?

If it was a one time thing?
If they left the situation (job, class, drinking, friendship etc) that lured them down that path to begin with?
If they have really NEVER done it again, and have no intention to (it seems).
If they have gone to counseling?

What if it were your spouse that cheated? You? Your best friend's spouse? Your best friend?

Just want a perspective.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Don't Want To Lose Him

Posted by ffbgirl of My Life.

I am afraid I am losing my husband and I am 2 months pregnant. We have been "fussing" for the last few months, but I attributed it to his highly stressfiul job. Then, all of a sudden, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he drunkenly confesses that he thinks about killing himself and that he has been unhappy for three months and he thinks it is because of me.

That was bad, it gets worse.

I tried to be more supportive. I tried not to make him walk on eggshells around me (which he claimed he has done as long we have been together). I tried to do more around the house, I tried not to bug him at work. I tried to support him. I also didn't go out with him on a couple of occasions.

My husband rides a motorcycle, so when he goes out for a drink, I ask that he text me when he leaves the bar so I know he is OK driving home. On one of his out occasions without me, he texted me that he was coming home. Over 45 minutes later, he still wasn't home. I drove around looking for him. I called some friends who had been out with him and it turns out he had followed home his best friend, Nikki. Nikki and I used to be friends, but I ended that relationship a few months ago because I thought it wasn't healthy for me or my family. My husband refused to end his friendship with her, saying they work together (true) and that he shouldn't have to get rid of her. But, this particular night, he hadn't mentioned that he was following her home (she also rides a bike and lives in a shady neighborhood so this isn't unusual) and it was taking WAY TOO LONG. When I found him heading from the direction of her house, I met him back at the house. He got IRATE that I questioned his whereabouts. He said he hadn't even gone all the way to her house, but he couldn't explain why it had taken so long. This argument evolved into another tirade of him saying he is so unhappy.

The next day I discover he has called Nikki several times while he was out of our house and I ask him about it and he denies the phone calls. I tell him the cell phone company must have an error and we need to address that.

So then two nights later, he works until 1 a.m. Once home, he left to go to another manager's house (who happens to live one building over from Nikki) house. Interesting thing here was that he took the car, not the bike, so I couldn't go check on him. He stayed out til 5 a.m. When I called and texted he would leave the room and only talked to me alone. I never heard the other manager. He wouldn't let me talk to the other manager on the phone.

When he finally got home at 5 a.m., he tells me he's done. He is tired of me not trusting him and this that and the other. He goes on and on about he is unhappy and how he feels like I don't care and how if I would put as much energy toward our marraige as I do toward questioning Nikki that we would be better. He complains about how I didn't know he was so unhappy (HE NEVER TOLD ME). He says he can't be with a person who doesn't trust him.

I try to express that I want to fix our problems and that I want to contribute to his happiness. I ask for a hug and he refuses. When that happens, I lose my mind. So, at about 4:30 central time (I live in Eastern time), I call my folks and wake them up and spill my guts that they need to come be with me and give me a hug. That is all I want. I was sad and lonely and scared. Here I am pregnant and my husband has just told me he is done (though he won't expand on what that means).

I go to work that day and have a full day. By the evening, my dad has arrived from out of town. As I am packing up a few things to spend the night in the hotel with my dad, G asks me what I am doing. I had not mentioned to him that I had asked my folks to come to town. When I said that I was getting my stuff together to go to dinner and the Econolodge with my dad, my husband looked hurt and sad.

He said, "You told your parents?"

I said, "I had to, I needed a hug."

That was about the end of that conversation. He and I texted and talked on the phone over the next three days while I was finishing my work week. During that week, I asked him NOT to hang out with Nikki. He protested, but as far as I can tell, he complied.

Before I left, I asked G if he would sit down and talk with me so we could set some goals for our time apart. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him if he saw these two weeks as a little time out after which I will return home and we will evaluate our situation. He said that was how he saw it. I don't like that idea at all, but if he won't talk to me, I can't make him.

Then on Friday, I flew home with my dad. While I have been here, I have been looking at our cell phone records to see when and to whom my husband is talking and texting. I find out he has had two late-night almost hour long phone conversations with Nikki. These conversations have happened after he had told me goodnight.

So, yesterday,

I say, "Did you talk on the phone last night?"
G: "No..."
me: "So what about Friday night?"
G: "No..."
me: "Hmmm, so you didn't talk to Nikki on the phone for 45 minutes Friday night"
G: "I said NO! This is f-ing B.S. I am so not getting into this right now..."
me: "Well, then we need to call the cell phone company because they are showing a 45 minute phone call between you two at about midnight Friday night."
G: "Well I don't know, but I have to go..."

We text back and fourth a bit and he eventually calls me back. He admits that he had in fact had that conversation with her.

So, now I am IRATE. I have finally caught him in a lie. I have had my suspicions about his relationship with her, but he has said time and again that NOTHING is going on there. I really don't think anything physical is going on, and I just can't make him understand that having an emotional relationship with her is still cheating... I am not crazy.

So, we talk back and fourth and I finally lay it out for him. That he has to pick her or me. That I cannot remain married to him if he cannot end his friendship with her. He says he has to think about that.

WHAT?!?! You have to think about that. Oh now I am overwhelmed. So we end that conversation. I send him a text message that basically says this is bull shit and he needs to be a man and face his responsibilities and that he is married to me and that our marriage deserves a chance.

Later that day he texts letting me know he is leaving work and again that he is home. We talked on the phone a few times that evening and it went well. We talked again this morning. It went OK. I mentioned that I would like to schedule a time to have a conversation about our marriage. He again is hesitant. I ask again if he has talked to her. He says he hasn't because he asked her not to call or text him. I believe him because I saw the cell phone records and there were no calls between them.

Over the course of our last conversation today, he keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. He complains that that is the only thing he wants and I can't give him that. So, I give in. I told him that I would give hime two days, but that was it. I told him to call me in two days and have something to say. That he needs to know whether he wants our marriage to work in two days or "I am getting my affairs in order."

It is killing me. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him. I want him to want to talk to me. I don't want to doubt his every action and word. I really don't think he has physically cheated on me, but he makes that harder and harder to believe.

Our child deserves to have two loving parents together. Our child deserves a childhood like the one I had. I am so sad for my child. I don't want my child to look at me someday and ask why Daddy left us... That breaks my heart.

I am also scared out of my mind. I don't want to be a single mother. I am afraid beyond belief of how hard that will be. I am not an alone person. At all. I know that about myself. I am freaking out here. I can't really sleep at night and I am just sick over this. I know I need to not stress because it is bad for the baby, but I am failing at that.

This is so scary. Please think positive thoughts for me. If you pray, please pray that my husband will realize that he loves me and wants to be with only me. Please pray that I will learn how to better carry my weight in this marriage. Please pray that we will learn to face our fears together. Please pray that my husband will learn that he has to make a consciouss choice every day to be happy. Please pray that I will not wind up a single mother. Oh dear God, please just pray that this works out. And if you don't pray, just think positive about all these things.