Friday, October 30, 2009

Expecting, Definitely

Posted by Anonymous (Anonymous of this post, which was submitted in August. What follows is her update on the decision she made, and where she is now.)

I'm not exactly single. I have a tiny Baby I'm carrying around wherever I go. I'm now two people. I have two hearts. Two brains. Two bouts of the hiccups at once. I'm never alone anymore.

I'm also not exactly single in that other sense, either. Baby's father (the one who got me into this blessed mess) and I are holding hands at the doctor's office and having dinner with his parents and mine. But I'm still living in my house (the one I bought nine months ago. In fact, I made the offer the day of our first date) while he lives 56 kilometers away. That's down a secondary highway, even further from the Capital than me.

I've always been independent to a fault, and I still find it hard to behave as if this isn't entirely my responsibility. I told him The News about six hours after I wrote that first post, and he smiled! Anyway, I'm not worried about him. While we're not living together or sharing bills, I'm sure this part of this new family will work itself out.

Baby, on the other hand, is a different story. Some anonymous writer commented on my last post, "Chances are better that you'll regret the baby you didn't have [more] than the one you did." This is precisely the thought I'm clinging to - rather, it's the truth I'm holding out for.

I've always wanted children. Babies! I figured that once I started, I would never want to stop having them. I love pregnant bellies and breastfeeding and carrying little squirmy toddlers and all of that. My biggest fear was, until now, that I might not be able to have children of my own. As prepared as I thought I was, nothing prepared me for actually being pregnant. Who knew stretch marks came on with such a vengeance? Who knew morning sickness felt like being carsick, ALL DAY. Who knew women often suffer from depression during pregnancy? Who knew the "glow" is nothing more than the facial manifestation of terror?

But I know if I just get though these next 5 and a half months, the reward will be worth it all. I'm trying my darnedest not to panic about money. Babies don't' cost much - it's the unnecessary paraphernalia that really adds up. Sure, I could afford it now, but maternity benefits are somewhat... lacking. But I'm trying not to panic - panic leads to tears and hyperventilating and sleepless nights. (As if the heavy breasts and multiple trips to the toilet aren't wrecking enough havoc.)

I haven't even thought about what people think. It's a small town, as I said. Not everyone knows everyone else, but a lot of people know me thanks to the nature of my job. It seems that babies transcend all that unwed-mother garbage. Everybody is just delighted at the prospect of a baby.

Obviously I decided to keep the baby. I didn't really have a choice - I wouldn't have made it through the two weeks I needed to get an abortion without falling in love with the tiny apple seed and planning the rest of our lives.

It's an adjustment, this getting used to life as a parent. Everything I wanted to do Some Day now comes with a pretty big string attached. Go back to school? Sure, but I'd have to move and pay the bills with a baby in tow. Hike the Long Range Mountains? Yes, but I'll have to wait til the baby is weaned and arrange for my parents to babysit for a week. Cycle across the country? As soon as Baby is old enough to ride with me. A second trip to China? As long as I go soon, before Baby turns 2 and I can't afford the airfare anymore. Speed skate at the 2014 Winter Olympics? That last one may be a tad ambitious. But it's a whole new world. I'm looking forward to it.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dear Dad

Posted by Anonymous

Dear Dad,

You have changed and not for the better. I don't even recognize the person you have become. The loving father I once knew is no more. You are bitter and angry and I can't stand the way you are. I used to look up to you. You taught me so many life lessons that I have kept with me all these years. You told me once, after getting custody of me from my mother, that every person you meet is a role model. You can either choose to be like them or choose to be the opposite of them. You told me that so that I wouldn't hate my mother for everything she had done to me. You knew that she had problems and you wanted me to try to keep a relationship with her even though I was hurt. Even though you were angry with her you were still supportive of the relationship I was trying to have with her. You never fought with her when you had to be around her and you never said anything cross that could cause a problem.

So why the change? Why can't you do the same with your ex-wife Brandy? She was never as bad as my mother was, yet you can't put aside your differences with her to be there for your daughter Katie. Nobody is asking you to be friends with Brandy we just want you to tolerate her long enough to be there to support Katie during her pregnancy. The pregnancy that Katie was always told would never happen. The miracle baby that was never supposed to be. You are being so selfish and acting like a child. Why are you making everything about you? Shouldn't you be more focused on Katie? You have hurt her so much by telling her that you wont come to her baby shower if Brandy is there. We all know that Brandy is unpredictable and there is a big chance she won't make it. Yet you refuse to come even though there is only a slim chance of her showing up. You are asking your daughter to choose between her parents and that is wrong. She was looking forward to getting to share this with you and her little sister Lisa. And now you are saying you wont come which means that Lisa can't come either. So you are not only going to be childish and not come but you are also going to keep her sister away too? Do you really think that your problems with Brandy are worth that?

I have tried not to get too upset over all of this. I keep thinking you are going to change your mind and see how ridiculous you are being. Then you called Katie and told her that the only way you would come to the hospital when she has the baby is if she makes sure that Brandy isn't around when you are there. REALLY? You expect a woman in labor with her first child to keep tabs on her mother so that you will grace us with your presence at the birth of the only child Katie will probably ever have??? Is your hatred more important than being there? You put aside your hatred of my mother 4 years ago to be there when my son was born. Why can't you do that for Katie?

I guess I should have expected this from you. Its not like you have really been there for me and my son since he was born. You haven't seen him in two years and there is always some excuse. I have put myself out there plenty of times and tried to make plans with you but something is always more important. Did you forget that you had a daughter and a grandson? Or do you just not care enough to really try anymore? It hurts but I really don't care anymore. We don't need you. He has very supportive grandparents on his father's side. They may live closer but they still put more effort into seeing than you ever have.

And you know what, Katie doesn't need you either. She's hurt and I know she wants you to be there but in the end she doesn't need you. She doesn't need the added stress that you cause her and she doesn't need to spend this joyous time of her life worrying about you and your pettiness. She needs someone who can put aside whatever issues they may have to be there to support her no matter what. When Brandy stopped being a good mother for Katie I stepped in and now that you are proving to be inadequate I will yet again be there for her. At 23 years old, I shouldn't have to play the role of mother and father to my 21 year old sister but I will. I will be whatever she needs me to be because you once taught me to be the better role model. Maybe you should take your own advice before you miss out on one of the greatest moments in Katie's life.

Your very disappointed daughter.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Expecting, Maybe.

Posted by Anonymous.

I just found out I’m pregnant. I’m 25. I’m employed by a company that offers maternity benefits. I’m a homeowner.

I’m also single and broke. And I live in a very, very small town.

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow morning, but the three home pregnancy sticks in my desk drawer – each proudly sporting their own pictorial interpretation of hCG – two bars, a plus sign and a thoughtfully bilingual “Pregnant/Enceinte,” – tell me what I’ve known since my nipples began begging for a cool cloth and my legs couldn’t shake that itchy-from-the-inside out feeling.

Five weeks, by my count.

Two more until I can hit up the Morgentaler clinic.


Because when I watched that first stick form one line, then two, it was all I could do to keep the smile off my face.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

I have something on my mind that I need to get out. I need to share it for some odd reason. I started a blog of my own after my daughter was born as away to journal our experiences (it ended up being very therapeutic for me) but family members read the blog (okay, two family members) read the blog and I just could not mention this kind of thing there because it would get back to her.

Her. My mother. I really had thought that I put all of the feelings aside and forgave her a long time ago but with the birth of my daughter it drug them all back up and now it is super hard to forgive and forget. My guess is that having my daughter made me realize what it is to be a mother to a daughter and all the love and emotions I have makes it harder for me to forgive my mother for all the things she has done. If I love my daughter this much then shouldn’t all mothers? And if all mothers do then why did my mom do all the things that she has done?

So all the background stuff because like I said I need to tell someone and I need to not be judged. My mother had me when she was in her early 20’s and divorced my biological dad when I was two. I never had a relationship with him which is probably its own story. My mother has since been married four other times and in numerous…….NUMERIOUS relationships. Two of the men my mother has been involved with sexual molested me when I was under the age of five, I have seen men beat my mother up, I have seen my mom wasted out of her mind on various drugs and alcohol. I have seen and heard my mother in sexual relations. She once left me with “friends of the family” for over a year. I was scared to death to go to a baby sitter, afraid she would not ever pick us up.

When I was in the fourth grade my mother married her fourth husband. He is what I consider a normal guy and provided us a normal life, but my mother is anything but normal and could not stay past seven years. When she left, she left all of us. One day I came home and she was not there. No words, no explanation she was just gone. I think this might have been harder on my father because he was so caught off guard, he didn’t really have a clear idea of what our past had been. My sister and I, we were upset but more upset for our father who was devastated. I am calling him my father because he adopted us when they got married. Eventually I tracked her down but she did not want to talk about it, she acted as if everything was normal. I couldn’t take it, I stayed with my father and my younger sister went with my mother.

My sister. My baby sister is a mental case. Really. No other way to put it. She is better now but it took a lot of psychiatric help and drugs. After my mother left my father she moved away. My mother was not in my life for almost five years. She didn’t call, she didn’t write. I have no idea what was going on, I just kind of went on and thought it was probably for the better. But when she was in a bad spot, needed money and know one else would help her she contacted me. She called me out of the blue and I broke down crying. I had already forgiven her (thank you, Oprah) and was grateful to be in touch with her. Her response, “why are you crying, what’s wrong?”

That was about twelve years ago. Like I said I have forgiven her and had accepted her for what she is. She has stayed in the same city/town since then so I would see her occasionally when I would go back to see family members. She has even come to visit me three times in the state that I live in. It was nice. I mean we couldn’t talk about the past and there are never any questions asked because she only denies or withdrawals. It just didn’t seem worth it, so I too moved on.

When I was pregnant I was hoping my mom would be here. I think I was super duper hormonal and I really thought she was going to be here. She agreed and said she would get the time off. Yep, you guessed it none of it happened. She told me when she went to ask for the time off everybody had already asked for it and she couldn’t come when I was giving birth but would be up soon after. I had a rough time delivering and ended up back in the hospital one day after being released. I did not bother to call my mom but my grandmother had called checking up on us, found out and insisted that my mother get in a car and come help us. By the time I had gotten out of the hospital the second time she showed up, stayed two whole days and left. The two days she was here she talked non-stop to my sister and nephew on the phone.

Three months later, I am still on maternity leave and my hubby had training he was to do for three weeks in another state. At the same time my mother was on a cross country road trip. Two months after that, still on maternity leave my mom was on another vacation. I finally went to see the family for Thanksgiving and my mother could not be bothered to take time off of work. We spent time with her over dinner one day.

My mother has taken several trips and even as I write this, is taking a cross-country road trip. I found out through my aunt because I can not tell you the last time I have spoken to my mother on the phone.

I am mad. I am pissed. I am ashamed. I am even more upset that I am upset about this in the first place because the reality of it is, she has not changed. She has always been like this and I for some reason thought she would be different to her grand-daughter. She is not interested. I want her to be. I want to have a mom and I want my daughter to have my mom as a grand-daughter.

Understand that if I mention these feelings to her she probably won’t talk to me again. Although it seems like I won’t be loosing much I will be loosing the only mother I know. The only bit of mother I have, I will loose. I am just not sure if it is worth it. I guess what I need is some advice is to get over this, in a healthy way. I CANNOT let my daughter be affected by this.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Fancy, Don't Let Me Down

Posted by Anonymous.

I have lost to many times. I've had beyond enough of the disrespect, by friends and family alike. If it's not one thing it's another. It's a constant revolving door of useless unnecessary emotional roller coasting crap. I'm sick of the petty, pathetic, straight up rude comments and actions.

Your logic, completely astounds me. How is it ok to treat someone the way you treat me? All i ever tried to do was be kind. Yes a few times we had fights. If you can't get past it, then you really still are nothing but an adolescent, high school bitch. Learn how to let the fuck go. Seriously. Maybe you might ACTUALLY have more then one or two friends.

Yes i know, im bitchy, yes i know i can be just as bad, if not worse. News flash...ever thought it was because of that horrid attitude you exude anytime we're in the same room. I loathe going to your house. Learn how to clean.'s simple. And having a child is absolutely no excuse. I've cleaned plenty of houses including my own with children around. With up to three at one point. The fact that they aren't my children has absolutely nothing to do with it. You have a seriously unruly, unhealthy child...and you're having another. Wow. Way to be irresponsible.
If a Doctor, tells you your child is underweight and therefore unhealthy... He's not giving you some random problems to choose from. It is NOT because he takes after your husband. He REALLY is underweight and unhealthy....because you don't feed him properly.... I've witnessed it many times. Too many times for my liking. Do you even brush his teeth? I've seen you do it at least i know you do know HOW too.... Try doing it more often. It's your responsibility to make sure your child understands proper hygiene and general grooming. Enough about you.

Onto You. I could honestly hurt you. Literally rip you to pieces for not fighting for him. How dare you have the gull to have unprotected sex and keep him. Not the fact of keeping him. The fact of telling everyone you love him, he's precious, he's yours. THEN GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR LAZY, COWERING ASS AND FIGHT FOR HIM. Do you have any idea how much it KILLS me to watch someone who i know loves him, just sit there and not defend herself or him. To not do what you know in your gut you should do, what you NEED to do... What the FUCK is wrong with you!??!?! It's tearing me apart just talking to you, because i'm not supposed to know, how much more worse the situation is getting.

You are a complete idiot. You astonish me. Here i am on nearly two years of trying to conceive...and you won't even fight for yours. Can we say undeserving? I never thought i would see this day. EVER. I remember clearly the day you had him, the second he was put on your chest, the look in your eyes... Such a proud moment. Yes, your a mother, one of the most fantastic phenomenons in a humans lifetime. And your literally flushing it down the toilet, because of that bitch!? Because you didn't do the right thing from the start and get sole custody. Or even joint custody...either way you would never have been in this situation. Get yourself and him the fuck out of it for gods sake. Leave your waste of time job and find another one. It's doable...Find the fucking courage and WOMAN the fuck up. Enough about you.

Back to Me...Stop letting people into your life if they don't fucking deserve it. Stop trying with waste of time bitches. So what if a so called family member is doing everything possible to not have you in there child's life or theirs for that matter. Obviously, it's nothing but a toxic "relationship" anyway. There's ALWAYS something to be mad or upset about when it comes to them. Every time you come into contact with them, some sort of bullshit happens. Or something downright rude is said. Or something hurtful is done.

You are a strong woman. You have a wonderful husband, who yes, pisses you off on a regular basis, because hes a man and doesn't think to just do the damn dishes without being asked...FOR ONCE... But he loves you, and you love him. Be happy you have the wonderful family members and the wonderful friends, that do care about you and what you might have to say. Just be there for "unwilling to fight friend" like you always have. She will come to her senses like she always does. It is hard to be in the problem. It's harder to be outside, looking in, not being able to say a word. She knows your there, always has, always will. Because shes always been more of a sister then friend.

Leave the other ones where they belong, and where they want to be. Out of your life. It's not worth the annoyance, pain and frustration. It used to be. But it's not your fault. They know your right. And they hate you for it. No ones perfect. But the one is definitely far from it, and sadly thinks they are of the utmost importance....when you can barely feed the child you have, and cant remember which bill is due and when, because you lived off mommy and daddy until you moved in with hubby, and he for some reason thought it would get you to learn. He is definitely an idiot for putting you in charge, but then again that doesn't say much about him either. He's no better then you, i've got issues with him have Dental, use it. Seriously...use it. And learn that a game is called a GAME for a reason.. EX: to have fun. ...he's just as big an idiot as you. Even more so for marrying you in the first place, you are a horrific disgraceful person. Lazy, disgusting, pathetic, irresponsible, uneducated, ignorant....gawd the list goes on.

I know im far from perfect. I can easily and openly admit that. But don't sit there judging me, when im clearly just that much better then you as a person in general. Attitude, bitchiness, snide remarks have nothing to do with it. Yes i have my lazy moments. But at least i can say i work, and omg...i come home and clean, and i still have time to visit people. Yep, even if i don't feel like it that day, i will. Because im that kind of person. At least i cook my husband dinners with the food WE bought with the food WE made. Instead of cooking while hes at work and not having any leftovers for him...EVER. How he puts up with your selfish bullshit, i have no idea.
I know i'm not gorgeous *believe me neither are you hunny* and i'm not skinnier then skinny, but im not obese *and neither are you* but i will NEVER put myself on a diet when pregnant because i want the perfect baby bump. Fuck seriously your thoughts and actions are revolting.

Me..stop spazzing on the cat..he just wants outside CONSTANTLY... in and out....all day... cant make up his mind...its not his fault. Hes just a cat!

Do what you've been telling yourself you want to do, what you need to do. Put the fucking Cigarettes down, and leave them there. Forever! There is no logical reason for you to keep fucking smoking. it's bad for your health, not just because of the toxins...because of your fucking asthma too you douche bag. You CAN AND WILL Quit.

Get yourself up earlier, and out fucking side more. There's this amazing thing called the SUN, out there. Check it out more then just on your way to work. Do the damn walks you've been wanting to do sooooooooooooooooooo badly for gawd knows how long. Geezzzzzzzeeeee lady, it's not that difficult. I know the scenery kinda blows, but you'll get the fuck over it if you want to work a little bit extra at losing some more weight. You've done decently enough so far...keep up before you freaking put it back on. plus some. gawd. You CAN AND WILL do it.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Nanna's Hell

Posted by Anonymous.

My grandmother is an abused woman.

At 65 years old, she has never been shopping alone. She is given an ‘allowance’ of twenty dollars per week, which she almost always uses to supplement the seventy-ish dollars per week she is given to purchase groceries for my grandfathers, herself, and my cousin (the lazy, unemployed 20-something mooch, though this is a rant for another day). My grandmother is treated like a child, and has been since the day she was married at 19 years old. My grandfather treats her so poorly, that his sister has actually gone as far as to suggest that my grandmother may be mentally handicapped. Nanna is belittled daily, criticised for her every action. "You dress like a slob, you dress too well, you’re a pig, the house isn’t clean enough (do it again!), you’re stupid, you’re worthless, you are nothing without me . . ." etc. My father has vivid memories of his mother being punched through walls, pushed down stairs, and being kicked until she simply would not get up. He remember her being forced to eat off of the floor because she failed to feed the grandfather’s dog in a ‘timely’ manner. I have a half dozen illegitimate aunts and uncles fathered by my grandfather to other women, over the years. The youngest is only a few years older than I am. He is an undeniably cruel, insensitive husband, and she is too far gone to see this.

That being said, 8 months ago, she finally worked up the courage to leave him after she caught him cheating on her in their bed.

Nanna packed her bags, and moved into my father’s house. Immediately, despite the restrictions put on us by the economic issues swirling about, my father began working on an addition to the house so that she would have her own space in our home, and so that she could feel like she wasn’t intruding on anyone else’s space. For the first time, she went grocery shopping alone, with her own money, and loved it. She went out in her own car, and got her dog groomed for the first time in over a year, and was so thrilled that she could do so without being belittled for spending money on ‘that damned mongrel’. She went to a counsellor, and hashed out all of the feelings she had been battling with for decades. Her friends and extended family called and told her how proud they were that she finally grew some courage. She was happy, blissfully so, and she had every damned right to be.

Yet some of my family didn’t see it this way.

Her other son and daughter began calling and emailing her daily, harassing her about leaving their father. They claimed she was being selfish, accused her of trying to tear the family apart. The grandfather’s sister called and condemned Nanna to hell, saying in no uncertain terms, that the only reason a woman would ever leave her husband was to be unfaithful, and that God would see her burn for what she had done. The grandfather himself called my father, and insisted he was only helping Nanna do ‘this’ because he was after his money. The grandfather claimed that my father ‘didn’t understand’ what it was like to crave sex so badly, and to have a wife who was ‘too busy cleaning’ to help him out (cleaning at his demand/ ‘or else’ threats might I point out).
Yet the rest of us stood by her. We reassured her, we continued to help her do the things she wanted to. She continued to see her counsellor. My aunt, furious that her attempts at guilting her mother were failing, began threatening to take away her children. She promised Nanna would never see them again.

Even so, Nanna persevered. I quickly became her confidante. She told me horrible things about my grandfather which will never let me look at him the same again. She told stories about my cousins, aunt and uncle which were unforgivable, and filled with cruelty. She cried about how hard it was to stay strong, knowing how many people were angry with her, but claimed that she could do it if she just had enough support.

The final straw however, came when the grandfather’s brother, the pastor, came into the picture. He assured Nanna that she would go to hell unless she reconciled with the man that treated her so poorly. He had the nerve to look her in the eye, and say the words ‘God will surely award you in Heaven for all the suffering you have been, and will go through.’

Two days after that conversation, she went home. And as selfish as it may sound, I was truly devastated.

Everyone who had supported her in leaving, were in uproar when she went back. She called the day after she’d gone home, and tried to act as if everything was normal. She wanted to pretend that the nine and a half weeks she had escaped him were some sort of terrible dream, and not reality. The grandfather shared this view obviously.

Which brings me to the reason for writing this. I am furious. I am so angry with both of them that I haven’t been able to articulate it before now. He is a lying, cheating bastard, who has committed terrible atrocities against someone so defenseless, and he makes me sick. She has destroyed any respect I have ever had for my entire extended family on my father’s side. She took every image I had of elders I adored, and cousins who were my friends, and ran them so far into the ground that I will never be able to feel any sort of bond with them ever again. And now, she wants me to pretend none of that ever happened, and to go on living like nothing ever happened. Bullshit!

I have not spoken to either of them since her delusional phone call all those months ago; I don’t trust myself to do so without saying things I know I will regret. I am hurt, I am angry, and I am just so disappointed in both of them. They are supposed to be people I can love and admire. They are supposed to be a soft place for me to land, people who I can go to for advice or comfort. Instead they are a walking freak show that is so self involved that they cannot see how fucked up they truly are.

I overheard a phone call between she and my father a few weeks ago, where she asked about me. He told her that I was hurt and angry, and said he didn’t think I would want to talk to her. Her response? ‘She’s young, she’ll forget soon enough, and then we can get back to being a family again.’ I am 22 years old, and a grown woman God damn it! I am not going to forget what happened, and I sure as hell see no way that we can ever ‘get back to’ being a family ever again. I will not be sucked into their dysfunctional spiral, I will not put on my nice face and pretend everything is okay when it definitely isn’t. I won’t enable the grandfather’s abuse by turning a blind eye.

Even as I write this, I know how childish it must sound. Maybe I am overreacting. But how can I forgive the man who is slowly but surely killing my grandmother? How can I interact with people who are so happily abusing an elderly woman? How can I laugh with relatives who are so self involved that they harass an emotionally traumatized woman into returning to the abuse? And how can I sit and discuss the weather with Nanna, now that I know all of the deepest, darkest, most intimate details of her own personal hell? Am I being too self-centred? I just want all of it to feel right again, but I don’t know how it can.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Booby Trap

Posted by Anonymous.

My daughter is 11 years old. When she was born, she refused to nurse, would not, could not latch on. The nurses at the hospital threw up their hands, the first lactation consultant told me "it must feel terrible to have your own baby rejecting you", the second lactation consultant showed up forty eight minutes late, after telling me not to pump until she got there and not to feed my baby so that I was engorged and my daughter was starving and it was not a good day. I cried a lot back then. I cried and I told my husband that I wasn't worth of being a mother. Because I had never heard of a woman being unable to breastfeed her own child. That was unnatural. That was fucked up. It destroyed me for weeks. I pumped and I fingerfed my daughter through tubings but I was hollow. I'd never know such pain, at a time when I was supposed to be so happy. I made bargains with God. "Let me nurse," I pleaded. "Let me nurse and I'll cop to breast cancer in a decade." I meant the treatable, curable kind of cancer, of course, but really, I was out of my mind. It hurt so much. So much.

A parade of lactation consultants went through my house.

"Your nipples are inverted," one told me. "You should have been wearing nipple re-inverting shields throughout your pregnancy," she admonished.

"You definitely have enough milk. A nursing mother has enough milk to feed the Red Army." I didn't want to feed the Red Army. I wanted to feed my daughter.

I'm sure that I had a healthy dose of postpartum depression thrown in as well, but whenever I think back to that time, I catch my breath. Because it's been over 11 years. And the memory is still sharp.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Time To Say 'Enough'?

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm 29. Single mom. Have been seeing a guy for 3.5 years. He does not want to get married. Hes made that clear. I hate it. I think if he loves me as much as he says he does, it should be an option. If he loves my kids as much as he says he does, it should be a given. But its not. So, the more frustrated I get, the less I care about the relationship. Whatever happens, happens.
For, oh, 11-12 years, I've been at least a little bit in love with another guy. We had a clandestine affair when I was 18/19. He had a girlfriend, I dated other people. We lost touch. Next time we talked was about 3-4 years ago. He bought a membership to just to find me. I was in a relationship. We talk off and on via the internet (gotta love FB & Myspace), phone, text, etc. Lately, we've been talking a LOT more. About everything... We are both in relationships. Neither of us is married. Neither of us is happy.
The talk turns to why we never pursued a serious relationship before. And how timing sucks now. And if we will ever be single at the same time (he says no, cuz then we'd be together and wouldn't be single).
I won't cheat. I got burned by it and will not get physical with someone else when I'm in a relationship. I know, the talk probably isn't appropriate either.
I'm almost to the point, though, where I want to just ixnay the current relationship and find out what could be. But, then I'm scared. Am I just throwing away what I have? Have I tried enough? Or am I right... have I done all I can do and it really is time to say enough is enough!
I don't know.... someone help????

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Paycheck To Paycheck

Posted by Anonymous.

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of living paycheck to paycheck.

We try SOOOOO hard and nothing ever changes.

We've been reading the Total Money Makeover (Dave Ramsey) and are committed to starting the process but first we need to work ourselves out of this rut... even just a little bit... we need to free up just a little bit of money each week just to get started... But its always something.... now Corey's work is slowing down as they finish the City Center project and it's freaking me out...

I wish we had some family member or friend (a.k.a. NOT a bank or credit card company) that could/would lend us 5 or 10 thousand. Interest free, of course. Enough to get us TRULY caught up AND a little bit ahead AND in a position to clear up some of the items that make our credit look like crap. Enough that we'd be able to breath and not have to decide which bill should be late this month - the cable or the phone? Enough that we could not worry about catching up and instead be caught up and in a position to make our money work for us instead of the other way around. So that we can take 5 minutes to think about what we WANT to do with our money (responsibly, mind you) and not what we HAVE to do with it. So that for one whole day I don't freak out (even just a little in my own head) about the well-being of my children.

We're trying to make plans to move. We found somewhere to go that can save us $300 a month. But until October we're locked into a lease. We've been in touch with the property manager several times over the course of the last 2 weeks regarding what it would take/cost to break our lease but they keep putting us off. "Email your request." "We're waiting to hear from the homeowner." WHATEVER. IT'S YOUR FLIPPIN' JOB TO KNOW HOW LEASES WORK.

I just want a break.

I'm tired of stressing over it and inadvertently making Corey feel inadequate. I work, too. If ANYone is inadequate it's me. He's the bread-winner. But really I don't think that either of us are inadequate. LEAST OF ALL , COREY. I hate that he takes my frustrations and fears on as his responsibilty. He works SO hard, everyday in the hot hot hot sun of Las Vegas and in the middle of the night if they need him and on weekends if they need him.... he busts his butt and there is NO doubt in my mind that he does it all FOR US. FOR ME. FOR JOSH. FOR CHRISTIAN. He does NONE of it for himself.

We just can't catch a break.

Maybe I shouldn't have pushed for baby #2. But not even this kind of stress will EVER EVER EVER make me regret or second-guess my baby boy. My chunkabutt. My rolly polly. NOTHING. EVER.

I KNOW in my heart of hearts that we CAN do this ourselves. But I can't help but long for a miracle.... even if that miracle comes by in the shape of a loan that we have to repay.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

I have a problem and I'm feeling trapped. To begin with, I'm 27 going on 28 this October and I got married at 19. I lived with my then husband from middle of senior year at high school. Now I'm not saying I'm a deadbeat and a high school drop-out. I continued to work hard and graduated from high school on time with high honors. I worked hard in college and graduated with both Associates and Bachelors in business administration while working full-time. I'm mature and very rational. I now have two kids, the first born 4 years after I married and graduated from college. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe my marriage, I consider my husband my best friend most of the time, we've been through a lot and we've worked incredibly hard to be where we are right now - a great job, two great kids, a nice home, etc. But! I secretly call this a 'marriage of convenience'. When we first met (he's 4 years older than me) I fell in love but he was my only and first and I thought it would 'get better' and thought it was me... It is awkward talking about our sex life because I have never told anyone that our sex life has sucked from the beginning. I feel that I got married too young and should've dated more & played the field. I look at other men that I could've dated and think 'what could have been' I've cheated on him briefly (only to 1st base and dating) when I went to college in another state for one semester but I went back to him and he proposed right away and I left college for him. I enrolled in college locally and went to college with him. We were joined at the hip. I still blame him (and he knows it) for making me leave that college. We have arguments and I always end up having to compromise with him. I've seriously considered divorce but I am a product of divorce and know how hard it is for single mothers and my husband would never let me take the kids or at least give me an hard time. I know he loves me, he worships the ground I walk on, he's good to me but I am simply not happy. I have a boring marriage and a boring sex life to the point I can't stand for him to touch me. I give in once in a while and tell myself that just to relax, maybe it'll be better, try new things, get the 'passion' back in the marriage, etc. There was a 'little' passion in the beginning of our relationship but it fizzled but we got along incredibly well and he was good to me. He is 'safe'.

I did not intend to make my history so long. Ok, my problem is that... I've met a guy I really like and I know he likes me. I've met guys before that I get along so well and begin to like and I play with the idea of cheating on my husband to see if the grass is greener on the other end but never did. This guy - I like, I've known him for few weeks. I get a strong feeling that he likes me but our lifestyles are so different. He is the 'bad boy persona' and I am trying to rationalize with myself that if in the chance we do get together, I can't hold him back and it would be wrong to enter a cheating relationship and we'd have to hide. We know the same people, he knows my husband and in fact, my husband is the one who hired him. He's a college student (older), scruffy guy, etc but wow - he looks like John Travolta. He's that handsome. His group is not the type of people I'd hang out with and I keep telling myself that eventually, I'd be trying to get him to change his wardrobe, change him, etc. I am seriously considering divorce in a few years when the kids go into school full-time so I can get a job and support the kids on my own. This guy and I get along incredibly well. He shows a lot of interest in me and I can't help but really like him and want to get to know him better but where do I draw the line? Do I get out of a good (and boring) marriage just so I can play and be free? What if my husband is really the guy but I've ruined it. I don't want to get a divorce by mistake and I'm feeling really confused and I absolutely can't talk to anyone about this, not even my friends because honestly, I'm incredibly embarrassed to have trapped myself into this situation with my husband and our personal life is embarrassing. I feel that nobody will understand where I am coming from and I'm afraid that my friends would gossip. I've mentioned a few of my feelings once in a while and I've mentioned divorce once in a while but I truly can't talk about this with my husband. Believe me, I've tried spicing things up in bed, etc but I feel absolutely dead inside - no passion, no feelings, etc.

Ok - I'm done - I could continue on forever. I'm a rational person but inside, I'm really not.