Friday, January 30, 2009

Dear Neighbor

Posted by Sarah.

Dear Neighbor,

You may find this upsetting but I feel like I need to be honest with you.

The state of my yard is so far down my list of priorities that it isn't even on the front of the piece of paper.

In all honesty I couldn't give a rats ass if there are leaves in my "flower beds". It is Fall. They decided to call it fall because of all of the leaves that continue to fall off of the trees. I have neither the time nor the inclination to rake or blow my yard every day.

Heh. I said blow my yard.

Seriously, I have two children, I work, I go to the grocery store five times a week, I haul my kids back and forth to preschool four days a week, it is football season, Gabe works 60 hours weeks (at least) and I have to still eat, sleep and blog.

I just don't care.

I know it bugs you. Otherwise why would you come over here and tell us that we need to move our car so that the leaf sucking truck can pick up our leaves?

We're not stupid. We're not even really lazy. We just have other things to do first.

Like 50 loads of laundry.

I know you think you are better than me and I am fine with that. You are much better at yard work. For all I know you might even have all of your laundry folded and put away.

The thing is, I don't care. I don't care about your yard. I don't care about my yard. We keep it mowed and I don't have any cars on my lawn or large appliance out by the curb. A few leaves aren't going to kill anybody. They aren't even going to affect your property values.

I don't begrudge you your well manicured bushes and mulch. I just want you to understand that I would rather spend 20 minutes explaining to you that I don't give a shit than I would go outside and rake.

How do I know what is under those leaves? That crap freaks me out. What if there is a snake in there or something?

In short I'm sorry it bugs you but not sorry enough to make a special effort just because you keep coming over here dropping no-so-subtle hints. In fact, that just makes me want to do it less. I've just replaced #37 rake with #38 finish watching first season of Mad Men.




I originally wrote this for my own blog, but then I got really paranoid. I figure that the neighbor that does my yard work and peeks in my window is exactly the sort of person who would be doing a Google search on my name and reading my blog obsessively to see if I was writing about her. After that it took me about 15 seconds to think of "The Basement".

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

You Have No Idea

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Mom and Dad:

I love you and appreciate how much you have done for me and my kids, but please stop reminding me what a good girl I was and telling me how to raise my own kids. You have no idea.

I know the music they listen to is wild and crazy and yes, there are cuss words in it. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I listened to anything other than Garth Brooks--I had a poster of Axle rose in my closet smoking a joint. I spent the night with a friend and went to a Motley Crue concert. The band that talked about shouting at the DEVIL!!!

It is really horrible that S sneaks cigarettes and hides in the woods to smoke them--how could i possibly raise such a horrible daughter that hides in the woods smoking-
I remember how good I was in the afternoons taking care of the horses out in the pasture.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I spent years in the woods "riding horses" while I was actually inhaling gasoline and spray paint fumes from paper lunch sacks, trying my best to get high from the time i was 12 years old.

I know 15 is a little young to be on birth control pills and I should teach abstinence instead of promoting sex. YOU HAVE NO IDEA--how many times i thought i was pregnant before I actually did get pregnant in high school YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many guys I had sex with. Even after all the abstinence talk (at 15 years old)

I know I should make A. get a job. He is old enough isn't he. I know how responsible i was at 17. I remember all the money I earned at Pizza Hut and buying all my own clothes from the time i was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I sold hits of acid that i kept inside a dress on one of my teddy bears. I bought sheeets of acid in Dallas with my Pizza Hut tips and turned around and sold them for $300. I bought an entire keg for a party when I was 16. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I probably should think seriously about not letting S. use her cell phone at night, she does need her sleep. I know, I was not allowed to use the phone after 9pm and had to be in the bed by 10:30. YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I snuck out almost every night and ran to the payphone at the store down the street and within ten minutes would be at a party somewhere hanging out until dawn.

I know I should punish them for making bad grades. Yes, S. could have done better in her math class last year. I remember what a good student I was. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how many tests I stole the answers for. Everyone at school knew where to get them and paid me for them. Remember the time i got caught selling answers and failed my chemistry test during senior year? That was the only time I got caught after YEARS of stealing tests, or boinking the government teacher that lived down the street.

I know me and the kids and the psychiatrists use bipolar disorder as an excuse for bad behaivor and lazy parenting. I completely understand that even when I did go crazy and run away to Mexico at 15, and when I became suicidal and cried every day for three months that you were not going to let me make that mental illness excuse that others were making. Everyone is 100% responsible for themselves, or they should be in some kind of a home somewhere. I'm glad you let me go years and years without medication even though you knew that others in your family had committed suicide or been hospitalized. YOU HAVE NO IDEA that I self medicated from the time I was 12. You have no idea how much I suffered because I was different and crazy or so depressed I couldn't move.

I know and remember what an awesome little girl I was. I was a credit to my parents that raised me and it is a shame that my kids are lacking. Maybe one day I will heed your advice and start disciplining my children appropriately. When that happens, we can all be glad for the advice you have given me, that helped keep my children out of the slums and off the streets.

Thank you

The daughter you know nothing about.

Monday, January 26, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

I hate what I become when I am around you. I become a bitch. And with good reason, but it stays with me. For days. It gives you too much power. Way too much power over me. And I hate that.

You. You who was addicted to crack, benzos, pain killers. Hard core. $1400 in a week and half hard core. You who did it while your kid, my nephew, was in the house. You, who I entrusted with my kid when you were first starting using without my knowledge. You, who I discovered later, drove my kid in your car while you were high. You. Because of you, I am a bad mother. For not knowing, for not realizing sooner. Once I found out you were using, my kids have not come close to you alone. While you were in rehab, I put two and two together. You. You stupid bitch. And me.... stupid for EVER having trust you in the first place.

You. I went with you to that meeting. I told you my concerns. I held my tongue about my kids, when I should have punched and spit in your face. You. I was supportive. I told you I did not want you to rush back to that guy. The guy that you had only spent a month "together" with, but have known "forever". The guy that you did all these drugs with... with your kid and my kid in the house. The guy whose brother held a knife to my throat years before (who you were dating at the time. then you changed his name and continued to see him after he held a knife to my throat and slammed me against the wall). I thought you had changed, truly. I just wanted you to get better, dear sister. Wanted you to give it time. I was cautious, but was doing all I could to help you on your path to recovery, including letting the past lie while you were going through this delicate stage in regaining sobriety. I was doing it for you.... for your son.

You. You had the nerve to tell me I wasn't being supportive enough. That I wasn't telling you enough that I was proud of you for quitting, even though I had. Fuck you, bitch. I was giving you all I had considering what you had done. I was on the phone with a counselor for two hours trying to find you a specialist when certain old memories surfaced. I shared caring for your kid while you were in rehab. I told you that I was proud of the changes I was seeing. It wasn't enough for you? Fuck that. I should have walked away from you, never utter a word to you again. You have stabbed me in the back one to many times. And its personal.

You went anyway. You went to that man. In fact, you left your kid crying on the doorstep as you left. Are you a heartless bitch? You say that he is better. You say that he is a good man. He is on parole. How do we know what he is on parole for? How do we know anything about him? How is this formerly codependant relationship going to work? What about your son?

I wrote you. Telling you how pissed I was. You did not respond. You. You wanted me to take sexy pictures in lingere of you. I refused. I don't know where they are going. I will not pay part to your sorid affairs. You went again this weekend, assuming mom would be there no matter what. Not caring you thwarted her plans. You had to leave. You had to leave at a time that you couldn't even attend a function at your son's school for 40 minutes. It crimps your style right. Got to get on the road. You.

They say to you in rehab you have to be "selfish" to get better. While I agree, I don't think that this is what they mean. They mean taking time when you need time. Taking a step back when you need to take a step back. But you still need to own up to your responsibilties. You can't have it both ways. You can't have it so that mom deals with your son, talking to his teacher, feeding him, disciplining him, and just leaving him whenever you want, and then be angry when she is doing that. Kids don't raise themselves you know. You aren't stepping up. She is. You want to do something? You want to have a say in how your son is being raised. Step up. Be there. She is, afterall, letting you stay there while you recover, and you are miserable to her.

You get mad. You get mad because everyone is miserable. No one is mean to you, even if we should be. Yes. We are miserable. Because you continue to make bad decisions, even if you are not using. You do things that worry us. You throw them in our faces. It is "your decision" and the rest of us don't matter, us giving you good advice or no. we have to trust you. Trust that you are clean. Like you have EVER told the truth about that this whole time....secretive and hiding. And it doesn't matter that you essentially abandon your son in the process (even if he is living with are still the mom..... and you technically still have custody) And we are supposed to be what, happy? Not get cranky when, after calmly investing so much time into this, our advice, kind words, support is thrown away? Damn straight, we are cranky. And yet, you. You think it is all about you. That we are to give and give and give until you get better. Well, you know what, it doesn't work that way. You can reguratate all that you want from your meetings and call it recovery. I call it being a parrot. And while that might be semi-helping you get through each day, you are missing so much of the point.

You have NO RIGHT to get indignant with me, with mom. Or to con anyone else in the process.

You. I have supported you. You. You could have killed my daughter. You. My naive lack of awareness to YOUR issue in the beginning has made me question myself as a mother so much more than you will ever know. It is a job I take VERY VERY seriously. You. You fucked it all up. You. You essentially gave up your son for drugs, for a man. And you want him back, but maybe not enough to really do what needs to be done to get him back, not enough to do right by him. Not enough that his second grade teacher know who you are. Not enough to take him to a school function. Not enough to not leave when he is crying for you not to go.

You. My reaction each time I see you lasts for days. You. I am done with you, recovery or no. You may be clean, but your overall actions aren't speaking to me. I have been burned too many times by you. We are done, sister. But the real sucky thing is that we love your son. He is my daughter's best friend, and he loves her too. It is UNFAIR to him to punish him for your fucked up actions. I will continue to be a force in his life, and he is welcome always here. You, however, I cannot be a force in yours any longer. It is toxic. I rid myself of you.

Audience, what would you do about my nephew? How would you handle that situation (we are not letting him back with her unsupervised). I mean, how would you handle the friendship that my daughter and him have and me wanting to be a positive force in his life... without having to deal with her?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Weekend Update: Dear Sister In Law

Update to Sister In Law, posted by Anonymous.

Here's the update: my MIL passed away the day after I wrote this
(which also happened to be my 31st birthday). After giving my BIL the
silent treatment the entire six hour drive, my SIL spent the rest of
the weekend doing the same to my husband and I. And she's yet to even
acknowledge the existence of our six month old son.

When it came time to travel across the country for her funeral, she
refused to come because she said she needed the right to completely go
off and blow up at anyone who even "looks at me funny, even if it's in
the middle of the funeral" and that she expected him to back her up
100% of she did it. He said he couldn't do that, so she refused to
even make the trip. To be honest, it made the weekend less stressful
for everyone there.

Now, it's looking increasingly likely that she won't be my SIL for
much longer. She has been lying to my BIL about a variety of things,
blowing up at him every other second for nothing and everything, and
when he asked her to come to counseling to try to work out their
issues, she said she'd go, but she really wasn't interested in putting
much work into the relationship. So..while I'm sad that my BIL is
having to go through this (he's an awesome guy), and so soon after his
mother's death, I'm actually kind of excited about the possibility of
being able to hang out with him, spend time with him, and do family
stuff with him with out having to worry about her.

Just writing that letter made me feel much better.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dear Sister In Law

Posted By Anonymous

Dear Sister-In-Law,

Our mother-in-law is on her deathbed, yet you still can't put away the pettiness that has plagued our relationship from day one. From the beginning, we have done our best to welcome you into the family. Yet from the beginning you have treated me coldly, found one reason after another to confirm your belief that we are intentionally excluding you from the family.

Normally, I would shrug this off and continue to take the high road. I would say that if you want to allow your pettiness to keep you from allowing yourself to be welcomed and accepted into our family, then it's your problem. But this time you've crossed the line. And I can't just shrug it off because it is impacting the people I love.

You are driving down here with your husband to visit our mother-in-law. I think this is a good thing. I really do. I am happy you were able to put things aside enough to make the trip. It what is best for both her and you. It is also what is best for your husband, who needs your love and support right now. But, my husband received a call this morning saying that because you are coming, and you can't put aside your petty grievances, you won't be staying with us. And, even though we cleared our schedules to be with family at this time, we are left hanging because you don't want to see us. And even though we canceled our dinner reservations (our first night out since the baby was born to celebrate my birthday) so we could spend time with family, we can't count on that because you do not want to see us.

And again, normally I wouldn't let such things bother me, but here's the catch. You don't want to see us, or spend time with us in this critical time. But you want to use my mother's house for free lodging. Even though it made me angry that you wanted to use my family and I in this way, I called my mother and asked her to open up her house to you, which she was more than willing to do. Because even though I don't think you deserve it, your husband does. And because now, when our Mother-in-law is dying, is not a time for petty grievances. It's a time for family to come together and support each other. So I didn't hesitate to call my mother on your behalf.

And even though it makes my blood boil to know that upon hearing that I was upset about my family being used, you turned everything on me, saying you had to get a hotel instead of staying at my mom's because I was uncomfortable with you staying there (something I never said or even implied). That even after all this, you are still finding ways that things are my fault, that I am the one being unreasonable, that I deserve your ire and stubborn silent treatment.

Given all this, I can still look past your pettiness. I can even swallow my pride and allow you to use me and my family so you and your husband can have a place to stay during this difficult time. But what I can't shrug off is the way your stubborn pettiness is fracturing this family at a time we need to be coming together. I can't look the other way while you prevent my husband from being able to be with his brother right now, to have him to lean on and to be there to be leaned on in return. I can't pretend it's all ok when you are leaving him to go through this without any other family to help him through this.

And it makes me angry that at the same time, you are leaving your husband to go through this without his brother as well. That because your relationship with him is fragile enough that he feels he has no choice but to take your side, even at the expense of his own brother. Because he knows his brother will forgive and always be there (even after all this crap), but you may not. With all that this family has gone through (the messy divorce that has left strain and tension and now the loss of their mother), your stubbornness and pettiness are robbing these guys we love of the only thing they have left -- each other.

We have tried everything! Hand made Christmas gifts? Check. Knitting lessons? Check. Stocking our cabinets with your favorite foods during visits? Check. Homemade whatever you want to eat? Check. Showing you around and doing whatever you want to do? Check. And this is the thanks we get. You have hijacked this family. It is always about you. Even with our mother-in-law dying, when it should be about her and about our husbands and coming together as a family, it's about you.

But I will never say these things to you. I will continue to do my best to keep the peace and not add further strain to our family. I will keep taking the high road and not give you any more "proof" that I'm the bad guy. I will continue to welcome you when you'll let me. Because that's what this family deserves. Maybe one of these days you'll realize that. And for the sake of our husbands, I can only hope you don't cause irreparable harm before then.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What Am I Doing?

Posted By Anonymous.

I have something to say. Something that I think is bad. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, dirty and wrong.

I have been married for 10 years to an amazing man. We have 3 kids. 3 beautiful, adorable, busy, energetic kids. Lately, we’ve been stressing about finances. Our credit is horrible, because husband lost a job, we lost a house and a vehicle because of it. So we rent. And we no longer WANT to rent, but there is nothing else we can do. Can you say "mortgage crisis"? It has gotten to the point where whenever we talk, we end up arguing. The only way we can hold a rational conversation is through email or text message. I can’t remember the last time we had sex. Even further than that, I can’t remember the last time sex lasted longer than 5 minutes. I am a sexual being. Sex is important to me. It’s not to him.

So the wrong thing? Yeah. I googled the name of an old friend. Ok, not just a friend. But a friend with benefits. Wonderful, awesome, mind blowing benefits. Benefits that lasted four years. Benefits that lasted until I met the man that is now my husband. I found this friend. I emailed him. He’s now married, with kids. He’s moved 1000 miles away and is no longer anywhere near me. It had been 10 years since I last spoke with him. We remained friends (but no benefits) up until the day I got married. After that, we cut contact. It was really best for both of us. It was extremely hard to be friends without benefits.

So I found him and emailed him. He emailed back telling me he was married, kids, moved, finished college, nice job, etc. I emailed him back and told him what was going on in my life. Just jumped into it like we were old friends again...not like we hadn’t talked in 10 years. He emailed me back and told me it would probably not be a good idea for me to email him because if his wife found out it would hurt her. I was humbled by that email. I told my husband what I had done. I let him read the emails. He was somewhat upset with me that I confided in this person that I hadn’t talked to in 10 years. He asked me not to ever speak to him again. He didn’t understand the whole friends part...he wasn’t able to get past the benefits. And that I enjoyed the benefits, and talked about the benefits. From day one he was always jealous of this friend...probably for good reason. I knew he had nothing to worry about, but he didn’t know that.

Fast forward one week later. I get an email from a weird address. "Hey this is so and so, wife and I are going through a rough patch and I thought it was her emailing me pretending to be you (she knows about me to...he cheated on her with me while they were dating...many times...she doesn’t like me for good reason). But then I did some research and realized that she would never know your married name. So email me on this address from now on and we can talk. So I did. Big mistake.

It started out innocent. Talking about our kids, our lives, our jobs, our spouses, our families. Catching up on the last 10 years. Then we started chatting on Google instead of just emailing. Once or twice a week we would chat for a few hours at a time. Then the chats turned they were probably destined to do. We started talking about our past, and possible future..not together, just the benefits. We started describing things we wanted done to us that our spouses didn’t do. Now we chat everyday while we are at work. Not constantly, but in spurts. Regardless, we both have the screen up all day long. We have progressed into planning on how we are going to meet each other again. We tell each other our problems with our spouses. We offer advice and encouragement on how to "fix" our relationships. This has been going on for 6 months now. We never run out of things to say. He’s called me at work once. We actually talked. It was nice. But awkward. We decided that we rather the computer.

The worst part? I’ve come to realize that I am truly upset if I don’t get to talk to him. And it hurts me to know that I would talk like this to someone else when I have not done anything like this in my 12 year relationship with my husband. It scares me that I can tell this person, this man, all my fears, my hopes, my desires, my needs. But I can’t tell my husband. And it saddens me that I am actually thinking about meeting him. Somehow. Someway. I need this man behind the computer. I need to feel the way he makes me feel. It is just sex. We both agreed to that. But it’s not. Not for me. And I don’t think for him. We see in each other the things we want to see in our own spouses. We can have all the benefits without all the bullshit. But I am smart enough to know that if we have the benefits, and the benefits are truly what we remember, the bullshit will come. We will resent our spouses. Our relationships will probably fail. Our relationships that we have worked so hard to make. I know I should let him go. I know I should stop. But I can’t. I can’t let go of the way I feel when I talk to him. I can’t give that up. Giving that up now may make me turn to a person who is actually real. And within reach. And THAT would truly be devastating.

But I need to stop. How do I stop? How do I pretend like this never happened? To me, it’s cheating. The things I’ve said, the things he’s said. It’s cheating. Right? I’m not telling my husband, I’m not being 100% honest with him. I really don’t think that I will ever meet this friend for real. There is too much at stake. Too much to lose. Not for just one night of amazing benefits. But if I do meet him? I will cheat. For real. And that is wrong. Wrong, wrong, dirty and wrong. But yet, I still cannot stop.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Weekend Update: My So-Called Life

We all want to know what happened with the stories that touched our hearts here, and so updates from people who have posted stories here are always welcome. I'll be posting these on weekends, so that we don't get any further behind in the regular posting schedule (many of you are waiting to see your posts up here, and I promise, they're coming. It's just that there are lots of them, and I don't want to bunch them all together. You all deserve your time at the top of the page to get your story heard and to see discussion). Here's an update on the story, My So-called Life, posted by Anonymous...


I don’t know if you remember me but I wrote this post for the Basement last year. Some people asked me to update them with my progress, and now I finally can.

Since my last, I let things spiral down a bit further until December, when I got a wake up call that I had hit rock bottom and called my parents crying, and finally asked for help. Through a plan with my mother’s employer that covers all my costs, I got help from a counsellor, who talked to me and asked me about myself, my plans, my hopes, my dreams and where I thought everything had went wrong. Between the two of us, along with help from my parents, we’ve got new goals set, and a new plan is in motion.

I am moving home at the end of March for the summer (as my courses are all correspondence this year, and I can leave earlier than most students). I’m living at my parents place for the summer, rent free, and working to save up money for next year. I’ve in the process of transferring to a university that’s a little less than an hour’s drive to my hometown, and it will be easy for me to visit family and friends on weekends, when I want to. Once school starts, I will still be living on my own and independent, but I will be an hour away, instead of almost seven. I’m going home, where I belong, and it feels great.

I want to thank you for posting my story, Catherine, and also thank every person who commented on my story, prayed for me, encouraged me, and told me to seek help and that moving closer to home and reaching out wasn’t a sign of me failing. I needed to hear it so badly at that point, from unbiased people who don’t know me or have their own plans for me, so thank you for your support and your encouragement. You all helped give me the push I needed to get out of the darkest stage, and I am so grateful. Thank you to each and every one of you.

Friday, January 16, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

I am not sure how to start this but to say that I have had enough. Enough of your verbal abuse and enough of your selfeshness. We have been together 15 years and I should have left you 14 years ago. It started with you belittling me. Not in front of others but just when you and I were around. Calling me stupid, dumb ass. Later, your abuse came in front of others. We went on a vacation with your friends. You became enraged at me when we were fighting, turned the car around and told me to get the fuck out. Out of your car, life and out of your house. You told me to pack my shit and get the hell out. Left me at the garage where your brother was working. He was kind enough to let me use his car to get home. I did pack my stuff and move back in with my parents.After you left me at the roadside, you got back in your car and went on that vacation with your friends for 3 days. Didn't call or see if I moved out. You said that you were sorry and wanted me back. I moved back in with you. You were nice for a while. Then the belittling began again. The cleaning wasn't good enough and I just did not do things right for you. I thought that things would change. We went to counseling and things got a little better. We had a child and got married because of that child.

Then the partying began. Once we had a baby you couldn't get enough of the partying. Anything to get away. You began spending more and more time with friends. Pretty much every weekend you would be out at the bars with friends or out with friends brewing beer. I really don't know who exactly you were out with but it doesn't matter any more. I was always at home taking care of things and the kids.This went on with all 3 children.The worst time was when I called the cops because of the abuse. Once again, you became enraged at me. Called me every nasty name in the book.Told me to go fuck myself, packed your things and left. Left me with no job money and alone with the kids. I was so fearful of you that I called the police. The officers suggested that I go to a battered womans shelter and they went out looking for you. Even called your employer. I dropped the charges against you, you came back and apologized The kids know us as hated enemies and that makes me so sad. I am afraid this will scar them for life. 3 years ago we moved out to a rural area at your insistence. You had to have this house. It has been nothing but a personal and financial headache. Sometimes I think that you wanted to come out here to continue your abuse.

The final straw for me was when you told our son what a fucking bitch I was on our vacation this year, the vacation that I paid for.This is not the first time that you have done this with him. You like to pull him aside and tell him what an asshole I am, how stupid I am, etc. Unfortunately for you, he tells me everything that you say about me.I am so ashamed that I have let this go on this long. No one knows how bad this has become. Now, 15 years and 3 kids later all we do is fight. I am working, going to school and providing for myself. I have saved enough money to file for divorce, put money down on an apartment and finally leave your sorry ass. I am not going to tell you when it will happen either. It will be a surprise By the time I am done I will take half of everything that is yours including equity in the house, 401 K , etc.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Not Welcome Here

Posted by Anonymous.

You were not invited. In fact, you were specifically told to wait, perhaps until the holidays when your son could be here to "entertain" you. Because I, I would have a brand new baby and I would need my space. Now was too soon. I have a new baby, later would be better. I was very clear with you - visitors make me uncomfortable, and you especially so because you dislike and are afraid of my dogs, who are my family. You flinch when they brush past you, and you make no secret about how they are "dirty, expensive and time consuming." They are my family, and have been so long before your son was my family. You've never liked them, or me, and you are very clear about that. But now that there is a baby, MY baby - you seem to feel the need to play this grandma gig to the hilt. And yet, you don't like me, and I am her mother. Right now, where she goes, I go. We are still virtually one being, with her wholly dependent on me. You offer to "help" but your idea of helping is sitting on the couch and staring at the wall. You are the most helpless person I've ever met. How do you plan to help me? By telling me what you think I'm doing wrong? I don't need your picking..........

I told you not to come. I told you to wait. To please, give me some time to heal from the ordeal of birth both physically and mentally. How could we have known the baby would be late, I would have a c-section, and that we would both be so so very exhausted? Somehow, I did know. I knew that I would need time to recover and get my feet under me for this "mom thing." I knew that I would need more than three or four weeks to be comfortable enough, healed enough, to have you here. This is why I asked you not to come right away. Because I was having a baby. I knew I would need more time. I would need to be on top of things to deal with you and your dislike and disdain for me and my dogs. Now, I have a three week old baby. I am not on top of anything. It's amazing I showered today. And yet, you are here, in my home, in my personal space. You ignored me, completely blew off my request for space and time and came anyway. You wonder now why I am distant and a touch rude? Perhaps because I have a three week old baby and I'm exhausted. And because you were here, demanding to see and be seen - I missed out on a three hour nap this afternoon. I am exhausted, have I mentioned that I am EXHAUSTED? I'm lacking the ability to cope with normal stress, with everyday activities, let alone the added pressure of having someone in my home who dislikes me so much.

You have begun a battle of wills that I will win. I am her mother, I am his wife. This is MY family and you don't get to say how it is run. You do not get to parade my daughter around like she is some prize pig at a fair. You do not get any credit for who she is. She is mine, not yours. I carried her all these months. I am the one who gets up in the middle of the night to feed her and cuddle her back to sleep. And he may have been yours long ago, but he is mine now. You've never been my friend, have been nothing but judgmental and cruel, and NOW you want to play the doting grandmother? I think not. I feel ignored, manipulated, railroaded, and just plain pissed off. You and I will never see eye to eye, mostly because you see only what you want, and hear only what you want. I will never understand someone who is so very afraid of animals, someone who is so intolerant of other's beliefs. You will never be able to comprehend the depth of the relationships I have with my icky old dogs. How much they bring to our lives and what they mean to us. That they are an integral part of my being. That yes, we are going to let her "get all doggie." You will never understand me, you never even try. Which is fine, because I no longer have any desire to try to create a relationship with you. No desire to do the "family thing" with you, and no desire to listen to your venom. You do, however, have to respect that this is OUR life, not yours, or you will be promptly removed from any aspect of it. I understand you, I just don't like you, but at least I can play nicely with others. I can put on the happy face and pretend that I am not enraged. Most of the time. Not this time. This time I will let you feel my anger and disdain. Because I am tired, so very, very tired - and here you are, in my face.

I told you not to come - because I was having a baby. And you came anyway - because I was having a baby.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Back To My Old Self

Posted By Anonymous.

We dated for two and half years before becoming engaged. I wanted nothing more than to become someones wife. It was seriously the best time of my life, being engaged to you.
Our relationship was full of struggles, but we were happy. You loved me more than I loved myself, you looked after me, you took care of me, you never cheated on me and you cherished me.

As I did you.

And then you told me about your addiction to pain killers. My world crumbled around me.

You went away to rehab leaving me to fend for myself, and I liked it. To have absolute freedom and control over myself and not worrying about anyone else.

Your family never reached out to me to make sure I was OK, and for that, I hated them and knew that if I couldn't depend on these people who were to someday soon be my own family, then I wanted no part of it. Instead, they tried to guilt me into staying with you. You can blame them and not yourself for my decision to leave you.

Two weeks after you moved out, I slept with someone else. It felt absolutely wonderful to get back to the old me - the me who is so fiercely independent, who loves to be desired by other men and gives in on occasion to her lust.

After all is said and done, I think I've come to the realization that I was never meant to be married. And I'm thankful that your addiction was my only way out of our engagement.

But know this, I will never, ever speak ill of you or our situation. You are such a great, kind and gentle human being, who isn't perfect. You made a mistake. I make them all the time.

I will forever love you and am so grateful that I had the opportunity to love someone as much as I loved you and to have that love reciprocated ten fold.

I sincerely hope that you get your act together, find a person who will love you and treat you right. You deserve it.

I know we'll probably never talk again but I think of you every day and the one thought that clouds my mind is if you would have given up on me as quickly as I gave up on you. I know the answer and it kills me. But you have to know that we're better off this way.

And you know as well as I, that I will move on. In some ways I have and I know that's why you don't want to have contact anymore.

I will never regret the decision I made.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

What's Love?

Posted by Anonymous

Dear Dear Daughter's Sperm Donor:

your favourite pastime is spreading the word how much you love your baby girl.
nagging me to allow you to take studio pics of you and my DD together to send out for xmas.
saying "ill pay child support" when the $10 dollars you could manage to save from the beer fund wouldnt be worth me having to hear "i have rights, i support her"
and strolling her around showing off, when you could be looking to her talking instead of simply pushing her around, she has no idea who is pushing the stroller!

while you may not have the myriad of "privileges" that i have,
like getting up 6 times a night,
having your nipples bleed,
having your whoo-hoo stitched up,
having the man that stayed with you through pregnancy with another mans child roll over and say "we might as well give up for tonight, she's not going to stay sleep for us to get any loving",
and being called a whore by the darling babies biodads mother father grandmother siblings and ENTIRE extended family, and have them tell everyone about it...
having said beautiful baby turn into a toddler who refuses the bottle and won't let momma have one night with her DF..... etc etc

while you may not be lucky enough to do that.... you were given 2 years of chances. to do the very simple things i asked.
not for me.
for her.

for her i asked that you grow some balls and tell your mother, father, sisters, brothers, grandparents, so-called friends to shut up. since you KNOW the baby is yours, and have never said otherwise, and i have offered to do a paternity test if you did question it, its very important to me that you tell these assholes spreading the word that "god-forbid we didnt know if that child would come out black or brown" that you tell these assholes. that they shut up as it will hurt your darling baby girl when she grows up to hear these things on the playground.

instead, you sat by, and she has a legacy of "her biological paternal grandparents, greatgrandparents and uncles and aunt all say she could belong to a dozen men"

for her. i asked you to stop doing drugs and cigarettes and partying like a drunk everyday. for her. so that when she grew up she would not have to have a friend on the playground say "see those 3 bums over there, one is your daddy"

instead. you can't help it. your life is so hard and it makes you so upset to see your daughter with my DF and i....... and you simply can't say no to your friends. you claim you arent addicted. you just do it to fit in. WHAT A FINE QUALITY FOR A FATHER... "must fit in with coked out friends"

for her. i asked you to move out of the crazies house. so that when you wanted to visit your daughter, she could come over. as i would not allow her to go to the house where your family would go nuts on her and hurt her with their stupidity. for her. i thought it would be great and you could talk and play with her instead of simply strolling her about...

instead. for the past 2 years, you asked 1 person about a possible rental. and decided that would waste too much money. because you simply HAVE to go see your girlfriend, and flying and partying and renting houses in the big city is expensive.

which brings me to that. a woman that you see on the road and she points and says "hey you" and you sleep with that night is not good stepmom material. ( i was not model material either, but i have changed as you have never disputed) since you love your darling daughter so much i would think you would make a better choice. even though you have seen this woman 4-5 times over the past few months and had sex these times, it does not constitue a dedicated relationship.

so here it is simply: if you LOVE your daughter, like you say, and you will do anything, like you have said and have not made any action: you will have to stop throwing your entire months salary away to see this woman you love so much and have just met and must party with. and get a lawyer.

it's not that i "just don't like her' or i am jealous. i HATE that when i said "choose the baby or your slut" you said "i cant give up my slut. she's nice. i love her" when you should have said "well i dont want too. but if thats the only way ok' to which i would have said "Wow. THAT is really something. i am so impressed in a way i havent been dont have to give up ur g/f, just dont ever think you'll watch my baby while yall are partying and best be ready for my random drug testing"

so.......child support and visitation go hand in hand.

snot that i want the money. its that i NEED to see some sort of action. after all i have done for her in 2 years.... i have heard nothing but empty promises from you. and i cry. i do. cause you must not really know her. cause if you did. you would love her as much as i do. there would be no choice for me. not a 10 seconds delay to think about it....

but at the end is. its sad. because in one way. i really hope. hope. that this will force you to say "my child is important. i must wake up." but why should i have to force it? why do i even have to make demands. demands for you to do whats best for her. shouldnt you as the most loving dad ever be running to me. asking and begging to do anything and everything for her.................

and i know. you won't choose her. you wont. you'd rather live at home with those that hate her, those that have to look the other way when they see her. you'd rather hang out with those friends that say you are an idiot and she doesnt belong to you, those same friends that didnt think enough of you to warn you about me if i was so'd rather throw away every dollar you have to get some pussy from someone you don't know, but "seems nice", then see your daughter.....

and when i say you'll never see her again. and i dont want to mean it. but if you can't make one little sacrifice for her. not one little thing. not 1 dollar in a bank account..... not even moving out so you could play with her more in 2 YEARS!!!!

then you really don't deserve her.

you don't know what love is.... and now that i do. that unconditional doing HARD things i dont like for my child. for her good. planning for her future....i wont settle for anyone to be in her life that doesnt really LOVE her. and 2 years of chances is enough.

i would say i expect to hear from your lawyer. but i wont.

the thought that wasting money on a lawyer to be able see your soon to be 2 year old daughter.....the thought of wasting that money and having to lose a woman you've had sex with a few dozen times in the past half year just is unthinkable.

and i dont care if every person i know says "bad mother. she should be able to know her father" i dont care.

they've called me a whore before.

i am a good mother. and i will protect her from your miserable failings and "love". just hope your gf doesnt dump you too soon. wouldnt want to have to deal with your renewed attetion on us again...

btw... she has a father. a man that has kissed her goodnight since she was born. a man that works hard and will be paying for her college and everything else, without being asked, he just assumes its his duty, cause he pretends like she is his. a man that changes her poppie diapers when the 1st time i asked you said "i dont know how to do THAT" a man that sometimes doesn't get to party everynight and have lots of sex, because he is taking care of her. a man that said "by the time she can write i hope she can have my last name", a man that when ive lost patience and can't take it...dances and sings UB40 to her. and a man that whispers to her when he thinks i'm asleep "doesnt matter if he doesnt love you Toria, ill take care of you".................

Monday, January 05, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

OK so I know my problem..I am an internet addict..
there. I said it.
do I forgo food?
do I forgo feeding my family?
is my house hazmat bad?
my house is NOT is cluttered and dusty and the clothes need washed and the floors need scrubbed..
I do delay feeding said family..sometimes the pull of the computer chair is just too great.
and sometimes I forgo feeding myself for a while..maybe not such a bad thing since i am over weight to begin with

my kids do suffer for it.
my husband suffers for it
their homework suffers for it.
my bills suffer for it.
the laundry suffers for it.
dinner suffers for it.
I know my health suffers for it.

am I addicted to porn?
am I addicted to one thing?
I LOVE being is like a GIGANTIC book...anything you want to know/read/do all in one place.
I could clean..but there is some app on my space I can play instead..
I could get dinner now instead of rushing to throw it together at the last minute..BUTTT there is a message board somewhere that I HAVE to read now.
Oh the oldest child is suffering in school?
mmm..nope..sorry..have e-mail to answer.

for all of the sugar coating in the world.. nothing will change that I put this computer above my family.

very very very sad.

Friday, January 02, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

I know I shouldn’t have. But when his sister and I connected on Facebook, I couldn’t help it. I had to look. Sure enough, he was there, his twinkling eyes and impish demeanor smiling back from 96 photos.

My first thoughts? He’s packed on about 50 pounds since the last time I saw him – and I’ll admit that I took delight in this observation. His fiancĂ©e, the girl he chose over me nearly four years ago, is plain, frumpy, and chubby. Smirk.

And feel? How did I feel? I felt nothing -- no sorrow, no longing. A little surprised, and glad even, that he’d accepted my bid for online friendship. Our breakup was disastrous, and I willingly accept the blame for that because I very nearly lost my damn mind. You never really know what you’re capable of and when he left me I discovered a brand of crazy I didn’t know existed. I don’t have many regrets, but my reaction to that breakup is one of the few things I wish I could change about my life.

And if I’m to be completely honest, I wish I hadn’t found him again. Not for the typical reasons – I don’t want him. I’m engaged to a man who makes me deliriously happy and provides for me in exactly the way I need it. He supports and motivates me, and is the reason I am (physically and emotionally) in the good, sweet place I am today. He is my heart, and I am eternally grateful that I was able to endure such heartache because doing so brought me to him.

No, I wish I hadn’t found the ex because it has created sadness in a different way. I’ve spent a lot of time on Facebook lately, looking at photos and profiles of people I used to know. It’s caused a lot of memories to burble up. Places I used to go, things I used to do, people who once were close friends. It’s made me homesick, and I haven’t been able to shake that feeling for five days now.

It’s made me feel old – that my youth is withering away. Four years ago I was a 23-year-old-woman with the world at my feet. And what a world it was! In the aftermath of that breakup, I got to know two people who are now my best friends. I won awards for my professional work. I went back to school. I learned how to accept and forgive. I realized that I deserved more than what I was being given from certain people and jobs, and I discovered how to stand up for myself.

I’m more settled now. My friends have children. I have a mortgage and a wedding to plan, not to mention three future stepsons. I dream about children of my own.

In many ways my life is just beginning. But a part of it is gone that I’ll never get back.