Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Toxic Friend?

Posted by Anonymous.

If you'd like to share a post here, anonymously or otherwise, e-mail Her Bad Mother at herbadmother@gmail.com...


I guess I'm writing this to express my disappointment in someone, or maybe just the situation. Feedback (constructive of course, I'm a wee bit delicate) is appreciated.

I'm friends with this person, we meet at grad school, work together in the summers, and get along well. She's always been harsh (mean comments about appearance, unnecessarily blunt to people) and says whatever comes to her mind and I accept that about her, knowing it's just who she is and you can't take things personally.

I think it's fair to say I've been a good friend to her - chauffeuring her to job interviews more than 2 hours away, driving her to see another friend an hour from there, and home. I did things like make dinner for her and her partner when she was in a minor accident, and the like.

As it turns out when school's done we both end up with jobs in a city far away from where we met and so our friendship becomes closer given that I'm a long way from friends and family. She was one of the only people I knew outside of work in the new city, and we got along great and hung out all the time.

While we're there, I get engaged, and, given how close we had become, I ask her to be in the wedding party. Even though we hadn't been friends for too many years, I thought it made sense to ask her, and did. You can likely see where this is going.

With the goal of making it easier on her (she makes it clear on a regular basis that she hates weddings and anything to do with them) I told her about the dress I had picked out and colour I liked (sage green), sent her the pictures, and places near her where she could see it. I offered to order it for her and pay for it myself and then bring it to her (4 hour drive) so it'd be more convenient for her. Once I've done that she calls to tell me how awful the dress is and how much she hates it. In a move I'd like to say is uncharacteristic of me, I cry about it because I'd worked so hard to make things easier for everyone.

A few weeks before the wedding, her and I, our partners, and extended circle of friends all go out for dinner and a few drinks together. Through dinner she makes comments my fiance interprets as rude and pointed at him, and they eventually exchange words, him saying he was "tired of her fuckery," a sentiment that was largely based on her comments that night, and partially what she'd said about me earlier.

She emails to say he's no longer welcome at her house (where we were staying for another wedding a couple of weeks later). My fiance emails to apologize to her for having lost his temper but never gets any kind of response or even acknowledgment.

Since the wedding a few months ago she and I both attended a wedding shower for a friend of mind, and she went between being curt to me and ignoring me. I joked at the shower (where a four course meal was served to more than 200 people and the bride announced at the front of the room with a microphone what she got, which included things like large appliances) that it was "fancier than my wedding," given that I'd never been to a shower that was so over the top. She told me to "shut up."

At a wedding we all attended she pretty much ignored us, to the point that people asked what was wrong.

I know we'll be in neighbouring cities over the holidays so I tell her when I'll be there and offer to get together. She has dinner with mutual friends in town where we are, but never calls me. I've called and left several messages since my wedding that were never returned.

Is this friendship a write off? I'm tired of feeling like the schmuck.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Anyone, anyone?

It's been pretty quiet, here in the Basement. Which is fine - good even - if it means that a) we're few or none of us struggling with issues that can only be aired in a very safe place, or b) finding other venues for the airing of our issues.

Me, I could use some airing/venting, but it's kind of difficult for me to speak anonymously here, especially when the space has been otherwise quiet. It's something of a catch-22 for me - if the Basement is busy, I feel that I could slip in unnoticed, and post anonymously about something that's been bothering me... but if it's busy, I don't want to crowd out someone else's story. On the other hand, when it's quiet - like now - there's ample room for superfluous HBM ranting... but in the quiet of the Basement my voice is more likely to get recognized.

Does that really matter, having my voice, and so my darker or more embarassing stories, recognized? Probably not, but I'm still not ballsy enough to go there with some things - my pseudonymity hasn't really got me covered in real life, and there are just some things that I'd prefer colleagues and acquaintances and extended family members not listen in on.

I'm feeling a bit cowardly - I've really prided myself on my bravery in writing, on my willingness to look silly/stupid/incompetent/insecure - but it's a reasonable sort of cowardice, I think. And so I'm sitting down here, in the Basement, waiting for someone else to speak up, so that I can throw my voice in, uninhibited.

Which is to say - this is a rambly and long-winded way of asking if anyone out there wants to get talking? On, say, post-partum physical insecurities? Challenging in-laws? Challenging relationships generally?

I've got wine, and tea, and cookies, and a sympathetic ear, and stories of my own. Wanna share?

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Moments You Regret

Posted by Anonymous.


I feel so wretched! My children were sleeping in the car and I ran in to TJMaxx to return a shirt. Was gone for 15 minutes tops. When I came back police were all over the car and I was almost arrested. I feel like such a sack of crap for putting my obsessive need to finish the errand above their safety. Luckily, the police did not arrest me. But I feel like the worst and stupidest mother in the world.