Tuesday, August 24, 2010

William Stafford Was His Favorite Poet

Posted by Anonymous.

Since you were four months pregnant, your husband has been cheating on you, with me. He told me he loved me, that I was the love of his life. We spent almost every evening together, in the park, by the library, up the hill, anywhere you can think of in the San Mateo neighborhood.

Then one night, we slept together at a hotel. I felt so guilty, yet I desired him so. I had tried to end it, when your daughter was born, he thought I was abandoning him without warning, made me feel terrible for leaving him in this state. Anger, bitterness -- it was all around. I went away to London and came back, thinking that if I had left him alone, he would not pursue this and take care of you and you daughter. I got weak and succumbed to him.

I admitted to my husband about the affair and it devastated him. I couldn't live with myself. I was in a battle between my head and my heart. I went back for more, but I also started to become domineering to ask him to tell you the truth. He wouldn't. He told me I was heartless and cold-hearted. You should listen to his words, every day, threatening to want to kill himself with sedatives. I felt bad and stuck with him and tried not to express my anguish and suffering. Once, I was so desperate for him to tell you and he threw a brick out of anger. I didn't understand, why he would tell me he loved me but he wouldn't confess his love. I got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore.

He texted me every day at work and abused me with his words. You know how good his words are. William Stafford was his favorite poet, he gave me his one and only book and used to read poems to me. I bet he did the same with you. I couldn't take his abuse and my own suffering anymore. I spoke to HR about it and they dismissed him. He was so angry. I felt so guilty. Yet you still have no idea. He came back, I met your daughter, he came back and made love to me for 3 weeks, even on a trip to Monterey. I was naive to believe that he was going to love me and leave you.

We have been sexually and emotionally involved for two years. I know it hurts, but you should have the right to know what happened so that you can decide for yourself. Your husband swore at me every day for destroying his life, career and marriage. I am sorry for what I have done, but I just thought you should know. I loved him but he didn't love me enough to tell you the whole truth. I hope he's a good man and will treat you well.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Like A Sister

You’re my best friend.. Like a sister to me but not blood related. At one point in our lives, I’d drop everything to make sure you were safe. Because I was in the same situation.

Now... I can’t bare to be in the same room with you. You’re constant want for sympathy is sad because of this situation. Your belief that your husband is actually going to come home, in your house and everything will be the same makes me want to scream at you.

A. He’s a pedophile B. He was arrested and jailed for the past four months for throwing your son across the room and making visible marks. C. Just because he’s a pedophile won’t make the courts want him to go back home just because he needs a place to stay.

I’ve been in the same situation my friend, my ex-husband whom you know very well had done some pretty nasty things to me, but never to our son. There is now a full standing order of protection still on myself and our son, from the court. And he has supervised visitation.

And you actually believe your husband is coming home? I'm afraid what's going to happen when it happens. When he doesn't.

For the past three months, I’ve tried talking to you about the things going on in my life. I told you we‘re planning on getting married… and all you can do is fiddle with your phone, texting your “so-called” friends and yell at your kid. No congratulations, or anything. I wanted you to be my maid of honor. You sit there and get depressed at my son’s birthday because you miss your husband. Because you can’t stand to see other people happy

I’ve BEEN there for you!! I’ve sat by your side and held you when you cried. Convinced you that getting up every morning is a good thing and taking care of your kids is your first priority. I’ve offered time and time again to take your kids when the courts were threatening to take them away from you. And this is what love you show me?

I'm sad. Our friendship has taken to this point where I can't even talk to you anymore without feeling like I'm going to get a argument thrown at me or you saying something negative. I sat there and cried today, wondering if it's going to be like this for the next whatever amount of years. Because my love for you as a sister just can't go away. Sadness, anger, hurt, a little betrayed by your lack of caring. But it will never go away.

I want things to change, I want you to be happy. I wish I could make things different but life just can't be placed on a full halt because of your situation. Sometimes other people need a little hug too, especially sisters.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Wanting Someone You Can't Have

Posted by Anonymous.

I’m so confused!

I want someone I can’t have. I know I can’t have him because he is too good. If I did have him I’d then feel bad.... feel at fault... even though he can make his own choices. He won’t choose me.

... but the yearning is so strong. I’m so happy when he’s around. I count down the minutes until I can see him again.

We’ve become such good friends that I would really hate to ruin that friendship. I want to grow that friendship, not just so I have those opportunities to be near him... even just to hear his voice, or see his smile... but because I really do like him as a friend too!!

I’m smart enough to know and understand the millions of reasons why this shouldn’t happen.... why it won’t happen... (The top are I’m married, he’s married, he’s religiously moral, he’s very happy with his wife...)but I’m having a really hard time reconciling my head and my heart to be on the same page. The other significant factor is our work relationship – I’m pseudo-management, and he’s a front-line worker, and there’s so many complications with that it makes my head spin!!

I’m not looking to change my situation, somehow I do love the one I have – but it’s not enough, and I’m tired of just settling for 2nd best. I’m tired of being the roommate.

I think I should be applauded for one thing though... I’ve been super careful to try to not put out too many of the “I want to jump your bones” signals... I’ve really toned down my usual “flirty” self – which hasn’t been easy to do!

I wish I was a mind reader and knew what he was thinking about at times. If he was thinking, even remotely, the same thing I was. But if he is, would I take that opportunity and potentially screw up everything; or take the opportunity and enjoy the ride while it lasts; or smartly turn it down and continue driving myself mad with should of, could of...

Why does this have to be so confusing?!?!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

What It Feels Like To Be Left Behind

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear "K",

The other day I was brushing your daughter's hair, making sure the part was even, forming a twist, making it just right. She smiled in the mirror when I told her I made a French twist and because it was "French" it was fancy. Then I grew mad, chills went up my spine. I thought of another woman brushing my daughter's hair, parting it, twisting it and I couldn't take it. I couldn't stand the thought of another woman standing in and doing something so intimate with my daughter. The mere idea of someone touching her head and making her feel that good moved me to tears and made me angry. Call me selfish but that's just me.

When you drove down the road in your U-haul I watched those girls cling to their father, did you know it took every ounce of strength I had not to run after your truck? Did you know I wanted to drag you out of that truck by your hair and hit you? I never had a stronger desire to hit, beat, mutilate someone in my life. You left. You were selfish. You left your children and I HATE you for that. I hate you as much as I hate my own mother.

One day I woke up to find all my worldly childhood possessions packed up in black garbage bags. Say good bye because after school you are going to live with your dad. That was it. I was disposable. That is how it felt. I wasn't worth the fight. It hurt. It still hurts now.

Seeing you hurt your daughters in the same way is something that is too personal to me. I hate you more then these words can say. It would take fire. It would take death to separate me from my children. I won't, couldn't leave them. I know what it feels like to be left behind and that is enough for me to hate you like I do.


Monday, August 02, 2010

I Wish I Never Married You

Posted by Anonymous.


I'm tired. I can't fight this uphill battle another day. I just don't have the energy to bridge these gaps anymore. I feel sorry for your crappy upbringing and absentee parents. I know it's hard to lateral your experience into a connected and loving family life, but people do it every day, including me. I didn't exactly come from the best corners of life, either. I'll never say this to you, but I think having a child with you was a huge mistake. I have no regrets about our son, as he is everything to me. However, I have regrets about having him with you.

Don't you understand how hard I work at this? I lost my dad, my mother abandoned me and I was barely raised by my sister. I didn't even have anyone making sure I bathed and brushed my teeth, nevermind the more important stuff in life...so this is a struggle for me. When it comes to parenting I go off of love and common sense, as I don't have much else. I am trying to instill the things in him that were not instilled in me. I try to keep myself calm, despite the fact that riding my last nerve seems to be his favorite hobby as of late. I try to be a firm parent and do the right thing even when it hurts to do so. While these are normal parenting issues, what's not normal is your complete lack of involvement. Your son is going through puberty and he asks ME questions. Not you. ME. And that pisses me off to no end. He should be asking you these questions. The fact that he comes to me for everything proves that in his young life you haven't established any kind of closeness with your boy. He's halfway to adulthood and you've made no effort to positively influence him in any way whatsoever. Do you know what he tells me? "I can't ask dad, he'll say no." Dad is on the computer, he won't help me." "Dad is in the other room, he's busy."

Do you know how much this breaks my heart to hear? DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE HOW MUCH IT MAKES ME HATE YOU?

This is why I fucking nag. Because you put no effort into your relationship with your family whatsoever. Your closest relationships are night elves and shaman, not us humans that love you and stand by you. I know I sound like an out and out jerk, but I have to bleed out the hate and hurt if I am going to get to the heart of things. I want to be sympathetic, I really do. I give you credit for supporting us financially. I give you the respect you deserve and do nice things for you. Somehow, though, you stopped noticing or appreciating any of it. Then again, recognizing mine or our son's value would mean you'd have to pay attention and God forbid you pull the World Of Warcraft out of your ass for 5 minutes. This is why I'm angry. And no matter how many times I've tried talking to you about it, I get nothing.

Speaking of nothing, that's how our love life is now. Do you know how much it hurts to know that I've been treated better intimately by lesser men than you? It makes me feel like less than nothing. When I got sick and couldn't work anymore, you slowly but surely stopped touching me except for at 3 a.m. when you roll over and offer to "help" me finish the job I started. If you don't love me enough to initiate, you can go fuck yourself. I am not a glorified means of masturbation! I am a human being with thoughts and feelings, I deserve better than that! We didn't even consummate our marriage on our wedding night. You spent the night watching movies with your mother while I slept alone.


Whew...ok. Now I am shifting gears again. I'm sad. What the hell happened to us? We've always had our issues, but we stuck together. Now I feel like we've never been further apart. I don't trust you when you compliment me. I don't like it when you touch me. I miss the days when you didn't push me away. I feel like a lot of this went to hell once I got sick. I feel like you don't love me anymore because I have limited mobility and can't hold down a job right now. I don't expect you to understand what it's like to be me, but I understand you. I know it's hard to watch someone go from a vibrant go-getter to someone that can't carry groceries into the house anymore. I just wish you never pushed me away. I know your heart is good and that you love us, but I don't think you know how to love us. And I'm sorry to say that it's just too late for me.

As the saying goes, "I'm too old for this shit." I really am. I am tired of waiting patiently for you to decide you want to be part of this family you helped make. I'm tired of giving you a pass because you had a shitty childhood. I'm tired of talking about it with you for nothing to happen. I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to volley a ball that isn't even on my side of the court. I'm just done and will bide my time until I get my health back on track and become financially independent again. I have complete faith it will happen, and when it does it's time for me (and our son) to go. 15 years...I can't do it anymore. I want affection, connection, someone that will want to have a relationship with our son. He's such an incredible kid....I'm so sorry you don't know him the way I do. Perhaps it will be better the next time around...and there will be a next time. I'm not allowing our failure of a marriage to sour me on relationships. Who knows, maybe you just don't love me and don't want to admit it. Maybe your next relationship will be a better one, too. I never wanted to say goodbye, but you're giving me no choice. I can't live in misery much longer.

Somewhere deep down inside a micron of my being holds on, hoping the situation will turn around and our family will improve. Unfortunately, my head is 100% convinced it will never happen. Either way, thanks for the good memories. May we all grow from this mess we're in.