If you'd like to use this space to tell stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...
Written by an insane (?) immoral (?) too sexy (?) wife and mother.
My story is this: I have been married to my husband for 8 years - we have two children together, and two from previous relationships. We were once madly in love. We had and still have many trials and tribulations with the two children from previous relationships, which put us to the test many a time. But we always pulled through.
Two years ago our oldest child (being ours, who is 7) was diagnosed with a fatal disease. For the sake of staying somewhat anonymous, I will not elaborate on the details. I can only say that it is degenerative and relentless in its onslaught on his little body and mind, and on mine as well. If anyone out there has ever had a very sick child or lost a child - you may begin to comprehend how I feel - to watch a child waste away day after day, month after month, year after year, with little hope for a cure or a treatment that actually doesn't harm the body...
Anyway, I digress. I am not writing about my pain about this, I am writing about me and the moral dilemma that I am now faced with. Our marriage, for obvious reasons I hope, has been torn apart and the very thing that did it – the diagnosis of the fatal illness of our son - keeps us together. I have faced this, the illness, entirely on my own, dealing with Doctors and diagnoses; my husband has buried himself away and left the burden all to me. I want to leave, but I can't leave. For the sake of this little person, who will not see a normal lifetime. He loves his Daddy, and who else will love him? Who will help him turn over in the middle of the night when he can't? And bathe him when he no longer can, and feed him and love him? Who else can I rely on? Ironic, because, because of all this, I no longer am in love with my husband, yet I believe he will never fail his child. Don't I owe staying with him to my son?
I will not get into the gory details to turn one side against the other or paint him the bad guy. If you have ever had a terminally sick child and your spouse was not there to lend support - to just let you collapse and not be there to take care of you as the vows said - then you will understand. To add to this - I have begged him to go to counselling for years, and he refuses. He cannot and will not deal with our son's illness, so now what?
I won't leave, but yet I find myself nearly in love with someone else. If my child were not ill, I would leave - but he is ill and I am exhausted in trying to carry not only my burden but my husband's too. I need someone to love me and let me just fall on them when life is too much. My husband is not that anymore, not after the diagnosis. There’s a third party, but I don't know what to do, I used to think that affairs were totally immoral, but after much discussion with loved ones - do I live a life of martyrdom for my child or do I seek some saneness and happiness in an otherwise generally fucked-up life? I decided, I think, that I would. Seek some happiness.
So we come to the third party. We share a lot of flirtatious moments. I feel like a teenager sometimes, going back and forth, never quite sure if it is real or not, am I reading more into this, like a teenager, or is there real attraction? I think there is, honestly, but I don't know if he would want to be involved with a married woman, after everything else. We have lots of good talks and I consider him a very good friend - so do I risk it by making the first move and then risk everything? Do I and can I put myself out there?
And, can I really do it? Is this the ultimate betrayal of my family?
Help! I need some advice.