Saturday, July 22, 2006

Friendship

Posted by Anonymous (as always, no relation to previous Anonymous posters. )

If you'd like to use this space to vent or rant or tell the stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal (or paternal!) mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...

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I'm typing this because I'm at my darkest hour. My husband just tried to read this and I blew up at him because I felt I couldn't tell him anything because his comments would not help at all. This is about friendship.

I love my three friends so much but I feel they are leaving me out now. Especially one friend of mine. I was in her wedding few months ago. I feel our friendship is dissolving because of a cliche. They don't have kids and I have a kid. I feel so depressed right now because I was looking at my other friend, L's, blog and got a link to her husband's blog and it showed pictures of L with her hubs, J with her hubs on a holiday out for a nice scooter ride. Earlier that day, J said that L's husband wanted to get together at a park for a BBQ. We waited all day for notification and we never received. We instead sent out e-mails to all friends and invited them over for fireworks at my place. J responded that J and her husband is downtown watching fireworks, nobody else responded. Now when I find out they were on a couples outing with L and her husband and didn't invite us at least to join them downtown. I felt so bad. What's wrong with us?

I also heard from time to time that J and L would be out together with their husband on couples' outing like dinner together. Why couldn't we join? We could have at least been invited, at least felt 'included' and we could try to find a babysitter. Sometimes we can find one last minute. There have been two incidences that happened twice, both similar situations. I would discuss with J, L, and K about doing something the following weekend and I'm all for it. They're all for it. I wait all week looking forward. I even arranged a babysitter. On Saturday, I still haven't heard anything so I send a e-mail asking what time and if it's still on and to please let me know because I arranged a babysitter. I hear nothing at all and end up canceling the babysitter. I was so angry.

Now, I COULD try finding new friends who has kids of their own but I already tried. I joined a moms group when my son was born and attended their gathering at a community gym almost every Friday. I soon lost interest because they never invited me for anything else. I felt like they tolerated my presence. There are other moms groups but they are very cliquely, they either are a group with a similar interest for example all the rich moms. I would love to join but I don't get invited. I sometimes send e-mails encouraging them to let me know next time if there's a group thing or event. I don't get anything. Nobody talks to me. I try to keep in touch with my friends through AIM and e-mails but there's only so much typing you can do. I keep asking them to get together and go out for dinner but they don't ask me to get together.

I'm tired of this. I'm so lonely. I'm in tears typing this because I have a disability and it is so hard to connect with people that don't have the same type of disability I have. Those friends and the moms group I mentioned earlier have the same type of disability. I don't know how to talk to my friends about this because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I'm lonely. Period. But will they understand? Sometimes I go out for girls only thing but ya know, once in a while, I would like to be actually invited to those girls outing or a moms group or something like that, perhaps a couples outing. That'd be so great. All I ask for is consideration once in a while.

I sometimes feel like cutting off all contact with my friends just to teach them a lesson but then one of them will contact me just to talk about general things and I would just happily talk away. That's how desperate I feel for any type of contact. That isn't right. It isn't fair for my husband and my son to have a sad mother. I don't regret becoming a mother, I love my son so much. I remember when I first became pregnant, I was excited about making more friends - especially the moms groups. I really thought they would include me now since I have a child. They didn't. What's wrong with me? Am I wrong for expecting my friends to contribute more?

9 comments:

thegoddessanna said...

{{hugs}} I always thought I was the only one who couldn't find new friends in a mom's group. I knew my unmarried/childless friends would stop calling. Whether it's expected or not, it sucks. They always say your life changes when you have kids, but nobody mentions that old friends can move on so quickly and quietly. But never for a moment blame it on yourself. I'm not too hot in the mom-friend department myself, but take pride in the fact that you have an absolutely wonderful child and who knows? They're probably jealous.

Kirsty said...

Things changed with all our friends who don't have babies and it was hard to deal with. Godessanna is right, it sucks -- but I've moved on (mu hubby has a hard time with it too)... I've meet a few great moms who I've been able to connect with, but it's hard! feel free to drop buy my blog and email me... maybe we lve around the corner from each other!! take care

Her Bad Mother said...

I hate to be blunt, but they sound like terrible friends. You deserve better. I know that's not much help - it's hard to find good friends - but you DO deserve so much better.

I hope that you find it, I really do. In the meantime, there's always the mommybloggers...

love and fear mama said...

I've had three children... and still don't have many "mommy friends". I gave up on the mom drop in groups after I got pregnant with #2. The cliques were too much for me!
You and your husband deserve better. MUCH BETTER!
Wish I had wise words, but I don't. I just know how it feels and I'm sorry that someone else is feeling it too.

Angela said...

Thank you for your kind words. It does help expressing it because I've been holding it in for oh so long! After I sent this in, I decided to have a long talk with one of my friend, K, I mentioned and she said that she felt the same that J is withdrawing. We decided to let it go but J is actually surprisingly doing a lot better the past few days, we just went out to dinner where we talked for 4 hours. It actually feels a lot better when you talk about it.

I hope it does improve in the future but if it does not, I'll have to accept that and wrap it up as the 'past' that i enjoyed. If i was still working at my old employment where I was laid off after the company had problems, I would be just fine. I would see my friends there during the day, take breaks together and so forth but after I got laid off, it actually went downhill. That company was having financial problems, they laid off a lot of people and a lot of good families moved out of state in search of other jobs. I guess it's a combination of problems that results in me being alone.

Thank you gals - you are great!

Lori said...

Well, here's a different perspective: my husband and I don't have kids (yet) and many of our friends do.

We don't see them that often because they are always so busy with their kids' lives, as they should be. Always seems like there are endless Little League/ballet classes/school functions for them, which doesn't leave much time for socializing with us.

Also, I feel weird about asking them over to our house sometimes because it is 100% not child-friendly at all and I'm afraid the kid(s) would be bored to tears. Although there have been times where I've had them over and taken them to our local playground.

So maybe it's not just them excluding you purposely. I hope it's not. But if so, then I hope you find better friends. Soon!!

bubandpie said...

I have a moms group I really enjoy, but all the friendships there kind of stay in the moms group - I have never gotten together with any of the moms outside of our Wednesday mornings. It's a strange dynamic - it's partly that I'd be nervous about being the first one to initiate a non-Wednesday-morning activity with just one of the moms, rather than the whole group. And I have play groups I go to regularly, but these are drop-in groups so there are different people there each time - and even the familiar faces don't ever develop into friendships: typically, I know the child's name but not the mom's name!

It's really hard to make new friends at this stage of life, especially since children DO consume so much time and energy. I wish you the best of luck.

Michele said...

I know it is really hard. I work, but my work friends are in such different places in life than I am right now that we never socialize outside of work. there are plenty of newer moms in my neighbprhood but most of them are SAHM's and they have their own tight group. I fnd it very hard to make new friends when I dont have an opportunity.
I am happy you were able to talk it out with your friends. But a little friendly advice, maybe some new friends would help. Then you would not feel so dependent on the old friends. I think alot more chnages about us when we have kids than we realize. It helps to be around people who are in the same boat.

Brenda said...

If you live in Toronto you are cordially invited to my BBQ, just drop me an e-mail at my blog. I am in the too damn broke to belong group.

Otherwise best of luck.