Saturday, July 01, 2006

I had my reasons

Posted by Anonymous (as always, no relation to previous Anonymous posters. )

If you'd like to use this space to vent or rant or tell the stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal (or paternal!) mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...

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I am so glad to have a place to write this. I have been keeping it inside for so long I have felt like I was gonna pop.Yes, I broke up with him and I did it without giving my family or friends any good reason. I know they have been talking about me ever since. How could I dump a man who is so smart, so nice, who makes such good money? Everyone assumes that since I could not give a good reason, that I did not have a good reason. I have heard the little comments. I have seen eyes rolling –yes, there I go again, acting like an idiot. Believe me, I had my reasons. I did not tell anyone because I wanted to take the high road. I did not want to spill my private problems in front of everyone. ButI also thought that if I started talking, I might never be able to shut up.I will admit it was partly my fault. I should have not moved in with him so quickly. I should have given it more time. But he swept me off my feet like a cheap romance novel. I was a poor girl and he was a generousrich guy – my bad for not knowing he had a bad side to him.The part that pisses me off most is that you all assume I just flew off the handle and moved out one day, like I am so flighty and irresponsible. Well, screw you. I planned leaving for THREE YEARS. I knew it would take that long to save up my money, to get the job experience to get a better job, to get everything in order.So I did. It was through almost superhuman will that I put up with his emotionally abusive bullshit for three years without running away screaming. Every single dayI wanted to leave. Every single day I bit my tongue and made nice and pretended everything was ok. I wished him dead a million times. When I heard the garage door open I would groan – crap, he made it home alive again. I flipped him off all the time - behind his back, through bathroom doors, just out of his vision.But I made it through. Through being told I was fat and incompetent, through his rejecting me in every single way – emotionally, sexually, through being put down and told I was selfish and unkind and boring and not talented and unfunny – I took it all because I wanted to leave on my own terms, with a plan, without having to depend on anyone or to borrow a penny. So next time you judge someone, don't be so smug. Just remember you may not even know a fraction of the story.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine your frustration - living through that hell, and then being judged by others when you escaped it.

You shouldn't have to explain. But I'm glad you had the opportunity to say your piece.

Anonymous said...

You are a strong woman. Your plan to leave in your own way and on your own terms took alot of hard work and courage. It is frustrating that at a time when you should get to feel empowered that you are facing comments of judgement.

Emotional abuse is still abuse. In fact in some cases it can be much worse (I work at an organization that helps women living with all different forms of abuse). A broken arm heals but the wounds that come from years of emotional and verbal abuse are so much harder.

So many women don't leave. They live with it because of fear of the judgement. Because of so many other reasons. I am so happy to hear that you were able to leave and live a life free of all that. I hope that the future is paved with much happiness that you so deserve.

Jaelithe said...

I am glad you made it out of a bad relationship on your own terms. It sounds like you had a very rough time, and it's a shame people feel the need to criticize your decision. I know you don't want to air your dirty laundry to people who know you, and I respect that. It's a nice attitude. But I wonder if it might make things easier if you came up with a sort of a one-sentence reply when people ask why you left. I wonder what would make people feel like they'd gotten enough information, without making them badger you for more? Maybe, "He just didn't treat me like someone who loved me"? Or, "I had to learn how to make it on my own"? "He wasn't the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with"? I don't know. I am terrible at these things, myself.

Her Bad Mother said...

Here's the thing about this kind of situation: you should never have to explain yourself to anybody but yourself (and maybe your children).

You did the right thing for you. That's all that matters.

Anonymous said...

You were brave for leaving whatever your reasons. They're your reasons. But it osunds like he was emotionally abusive, as someone said above. You were right to go.

Michele said...

I am so glad you wrote this because you deserve respect and kudos for what you did and this is a great place for it.

Emotional abuse is as bad as physical and sometimes even harder to deal with because it rocks you to the very core of your self-esteem and confidence. Good for you for recognizining it and getting out of it ON YOUR TERMS!

I think there are alot of women out there who would benefit from reading this. I always try to figure out what the other side of the story is - I hope your family does eventually too.
Hugs.

Andrea said...

I dated an emotionally abusive guy in high school, and since I lived at home, my parents saw the turmoil daily. When I left him after a little over a year, the sigh of relief from my family could be heard 'round the world. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, because, like you, he'd swept me off my feet and it was a whirlwind for about three months. That said, had I not lived at home, I just don't know that I would've been able to face my friends and family with the knowledge of how he treated me. Abuse is very secret, and I felt ashamed that I couldn't be a better person for him. It took a lot of searching to realize the problem wasn't with me. I still have acceptance issues and really, 13 months isn't terribly long to endure.

I applaud you for doing what you've done, for leaving the way you needed to leave. Your family's disbelief that it was the best thing for you may be reversed by telling them the extent of the abuse, but you shouldn't have to explain yourself. However, if you want their judgments to end, you might let them know just enough that they stop with the eye-rolling. Something like, "I didn't like sometimes how he made me feel," or "There were times when his expectations of me were just impossible to reach," or even, "He wasn't the man I thought he was. He changed over time to someone I wasn't comfortable spending my life with." It's sort of sad that a simple, "I wasn't happy with him," wasn't enough to suffice.

Anonymous said...

Please keep reminding yourself that you don't owe anyone an explanation. You did what you had to do; you went after what you deserved; you had every right to do this no matter what others might say.

Congratulations for finding a way out. I hope you find happiness.

rhonda said...

You are a strong, brave, smart woman.

macboudica said...

You don't have to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE. You have walked the miles, you don't need to give your reasons. I am just so happy for you that you got out. So many women don't. They think they can't and they are forever stuck. You are brave, strong and smart and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your family may not understand, but there are so many of us that do. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

no one should be judging; the ones who do don't deserve your time. smart, caring friends/family will understand that every relationship is unique and probably nothing like it looks on the surface.

screw anyone who feels they can wag a finger at you for making the decision that was right for you - and good for you for taking care of yourself.

*huuuuuge hug*

Anonymous said...

I think you and I lived w/the same guy.

Anonymous said...

Good for you honey. Stay strong and don't let anyone tell you that you were wrong or otherwise. It's none of their business. And if you really want to give them something to think about you can always say "People don't always see what's going on behind closed doors".

Chin up, proud of you.

Al_Pal said...

Rock on, woman. Way to work that plan. What an a'hole.