Saturday, July 15, 2006

Living with a Stranger

Posted by Anonymous (as always, no relation to previous Anonymous posters. )

If you'd like to use this space to vent or rant or tell the stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal (or paternal!) mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...

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I'm not a writer. I have a hard time putting my thoughts down on paper (or the computer screen, as it were). But I blog, and I read blogs. The Basement offers me an opportunity that I just can't pass up. These are things that I can't say on my own blog. My husband and our friends read my blog.

You see, I'm lonely. Really, really lonely. I am a stay at home mother of a beautiful 18 month old girl. She is the light of my life, and I love her deeply, but I am so lonely. My husband works very hard to provide for my daughter and I, but because of his job I am alone. Because of his job, I am essentially a single mother. My baby and I have seen my husband three weeks out of the last six months. My husband has been away for one quarter of the time we have been married, our 2 year anniversary is two weeks away, and he won't be home.

So, I'm lonely. I am a single mother, but I am tied down by a marriage that doesn't seem to exist. I am Mummy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, no breaks, and it is driving me crazy. What is worse, is the lonliness. I keep thinking that if I were a real single mum then I would be able to find someone to kee me company. Someone to cuddle with, someone to kiss, someone to watch tv at night with, someone to hold me at night. I can't do that. I'm married, but not really.

I've spoken to my husband about finding a job closer to home, even if it is out of town but in the same province, I would be happier. Every time I bring it up he has excuses. He doesn't want to work in the cold, he doesn't think he will make enough money to provide for us (yeah right, we live in Alberta), he told his boss that he would be around for a while after they gave him his next raise, he doesn't have time to look for a job....the list just never ends. Is he running away from me, from the pressures of being a father and a home owner? Does he realize that his marriage is in serious danger? Why can't I make him understand? How can I make him see without giving an ultimatum that I don't want to have to follow up? Am I actually married? I look at my wedding pictures, but I feel like I hardly know the man standing there beside me. I want him to come home, and I dread it at the same time. I don't want to share my bed with a stranger.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

How painful. I do know how hard it is to maintain a long-distance relationship, and I can't imagine doing so as a family.

You said that you don't want to give an ultimatum on which you must follow through. Has he given you a timeframe for his tenure in this position and his plans for making the next career move? Does he know that you miss him - as your husband, as a father to your child?

He may have valid long-term reasons for remaining in this position, but he needs to discuss those with you. It's a partnership.

In the meantime, I'm sorry you are lonely, but I'm glad you shared with us.

ewe are here said...

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Obviously, something needs to change, and your husband has to be willing to help things change.

Question: Is there some reason why you and your daughter can't live closer to your husband's job?

Anonymous said...

Hi there,

I wrote this post, thanks so much for the comments. It means a lot to me to be able to get these things off my chest.

As for the questions, I believe that my husband knows I miss him, I don't know how he couldn't know, I don't know how to make it clearer to him. He's not made a timeframe for staying with this job, he seems unwilling to discuss it.

As for living closer to him, his job has him working all over North America. He has spent several months here in Alberta, two months in California, two months in Puerto Rico, he is now in Washington State, and it looks as though his next job will be in Ontario.

Lala said...

wow, my husband isn't away nearly as much but I can sympathise a lot. I was a single mom for 10 years before I met my husband and we had a baby. Sometimes I wish I was still single because then I wouldn't hope for/expect him to come home.

Annie, The Evil Queen said...

It isn't a substitute for a loving husband, but are there any groups you could get involved with where you live? Maybe a playgroup or a Mommy and Me class? They could be a great source for new friends both for you and your daughter. You might even meet someone to chare babysitting with so you could get a break from the 24-hour Mummy grind.

Lisa b said...

It is so hard when your husband is away. Doubly hard I think when you have young kids. I hardly noticed how much my husband worked until we had our daughter and it took a year of really not nice behaviour on my part to get to the arrangement we now have.
I hope you can make it clear to him how important it is for your family that he is home more.
Guys (mine included) seem to really feel the finiancial pressure when kids come along and do not realise the importance of just being around.
good luck
L

Anonymous said...

Oh, I so relate to this. My husband is traveling for his job a lot, every other week, and it's very much like being a single mom. Luckily, our situation is only temporary (maybe even more temporary than his bosses know since we're trying to find him another job that's a bit more family friendly).

If you have talked to him and there seems to be little progress, upping the ante might get his attention. Not so much the ultimatum, but just expressing much more forcefully your concerns. It might be considered picking fights, but getting noticeably upset versus a calm discussion might get his attention better. There are other ways for him to provide for your family, mainly in the form of another job. Try asking him, "Don't you want to spend more time with us?" If the answer doesn't completely appease you, maybe there are deeper issues that need to be worked through. I hate to fall back on the counseling standby, especially since it seems that his schedule isn't regular enough for visits to a therapist, but maybe suggesting it will catch his attention in a way that your expressing your feelings does not.

I truly hope you find a way to resolve this situation and your family becomes a single unit again. I feel your pain with the lonliness. It can be so crippling sometimes. Chin up, dear. I for one am keeping you in my thoughts.

Lisa said...

I can relate. My hubby doesn't work as much as yours does. At one point, my hubby was traveling so much, he had what I called a of "butt kissing card from the airlines."

But wow. That is very difficult. He's missing so many important things with his daughter. I've often wondered if my hubby is running away from being a hubby and father too.

Sending you hugs. Find a good marriage counselor. Even if you can only go yourself, it will help wonders....

macboudica said...

That is a very tough situation. I am no expert , but I know that relationships require quite a bit of Mommy-Daddy alone time--even if it is just sitting on the couch, snuggling, watching TV after the kids go to bed. All the money in the world that comes from his traveling job can't replace that. Good luck in resolving the situation.

ninepounddictator said...

I won't comment on the relationship, just because it's hard to say something when you don't really know the people...

But you NEED to force yourself out of that house, meet some mommy friends, join some classes, make play dates (even if they don't 'play' yet) go to the community center...

Even if you don't feel like it, you must force yourself too. You will feel better if you get out and keep busy and make friends and call old friends to come over! Whatever it takes to get out and talk to other mommies.

You'd be surprised to know how many other women feel the same you do...