Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Perfect

Posted by Anonymous.

As always, if you'd like to use this space to tell stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal (or paternal!) mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...

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My son is sterile. He was born with a rare condition that means he will need to be on hormone (testosterone) therapy from the time he hits puberty until he dies. He will never produce sperm.

Otherwise, he is a perfectly healthy kid. He doesn’t know, yet, that his health is different from anyone else’s. We’ve had a few surgeries, and will require a few more, but they are not difficult surgeries, from the surgeon’s perspective: outpatient, taking only a few hours, with a fairly easy recovery. According to the doctors, his prognosis is excellent. He will be able to experience sex like anyone else, there is no gender confusion, the hormones will ensure that his body changes in puberty just like everyone else, he will not be in any pain, and no one ever need know about his condition unless he decides to tell them. The only part of the equation that has no solution is the fertility.

I shouldn’t complain.

I mean, think of the illnesses he could have. He could be dying. He could need a transplant of some kind. His surgeries could be much more complicated and difficult to recover from. He could be visibly deformed in some way or he could have a brain malfunction. God knows he could be in some kind of accident tomorrow and lose the use of his legs, or worse.

He just has this. This seemingly small, almost fixable problem.

Right now, my son is too young to understand any of it. He’s just a happy-go-lucky 3-year-old whose biggest problem is how to avoid his nap every day. I, on the other hand, am stuck in a kind of limbo: should I be grateful that his condition is not more life- threatening? Or angry that he has any condition at all? Is it worth getting upset over now, when we really won’t have to deal with any of it for at least 5 more years?

Still, sometimes I do get upset about it, because what happens when he is an adolescent? When boys start measuring their penises and talking about balls and sex and all of it? What happens then? Shit, being a teenager is tough enough without there being something actually different about your genitals. (Not that it will be visible. I mean, his penis is small, but not unnaturally small. In any event, he will know, in his head, that he is different, and surely that could cause some insecurity. And if somehow the wrong person finds out that he has no testosterone, that could be devastating. Imagine the jokes.)

I get upset about it when I think about his future, too. Will he be able to find someone to love him, despite his inability to father biological children with them? Of course the rational side of my brain says yes, and I do believe this. You don’t need to tell a person on the first date that you can’t have kids. Once you get to talking about kids, you’ve probably already fallen in love, right? You’re close, at least, and I know that the kind of woman I want for Adam will love him anyway, and be willing to do whatever it takes. But what a burden to add to the equation! Not to mention, how will Adam feel about the fact that he will never see his own eyes reflected in his children? Will he be crushed? I personally feel sure that the love you feel for your child does not change whether that child is sprung from your seed or not—but it’s easy for me to say that, having two children that share my DNA.

When Adam is old enough to understand all this, will he blame me? Will he shut me out, claiming that I “don’t understand”? Can I actually understand, given that I have not faced anything similar in my own life? Will he hate me?

Once, a few months back, I was in a restaurant bar with my husband. We were drunk. Somehow I got onto the subject of adoption (which I’ve always been interested in) and said, “I’d really like to adopt. Not just for us, but for Adam, too. To show him that adoption is just as wonderful as having biological kids.”

And he said? “If we’re going to have another I’d rather have our own. I’d like to have a son that can have his own kids.”

I’m not sure I can forgive him for that statement, although he has apologized, and insists he was drunk and just not articulating very well. But maybe I shouldn’t have to forgive him. Maybe he was just being honest, and maybe that is the way Adam will feel, too—only Adam will be physically incapable of creating a son of his own.

You can see the problem. His own father sees him as damaged goods, even if I don’t. It won’t take much for Adam to see himself the same way, especially since the world—if the world knew—would think the same thing. After all, if you said to a friend: “that guy has fake balls”, wouldn’t that be a criticism? Wouldn’t you be feeling sorry for the guy, even as you were making fun of him? I don’t want my son to be in a position to earn your heckles or your pity-- and yet here he is, via a sub-par roll of the pregnancy dice, and there’s nothing I can do about it. We already rolled. Now we have to make do with the results.

My mother says I keep things too bottled up, and that I should allow myself to cry about this. I suppose she is right, but it’s so difficult for me to cry about it, when all I see everyday is this wonderful, perfect kid. He doesn’t exactly inspire sympathy, running around laughing and playing like every other toddler on the block. Also, I don’t know what the future will bring. I hate to be all doom and gloom when maybe things will be just fine. It’s not as if his life is in danger, after all. Maybe some miracle will happen, maybe the adolescent therapist we hire will be able to give Adam the tools he needs to navigate those years without trauma. Maybe I will figure out what to say and how to say it. Maybe my daughter will be Adam’s best friend, confidant, and protector, and maybe that’s all he will need. Maybe my husband will step up and understand that both adoption and sperm donation are viable and beautiful options.

But maybe it will all go to shit, too.

I find myself jealous of other little boys. Little boys with normal balls. Of course it’s unfair that Adam has this kind of medical problem. Would it be fair for some other little boy to have it instead? No. Still, I’m envious, and sometimes a little pissed off.

I’d love to talk about this on my own blog, but the personal nature of the problem prohibits me from doing that, especially as I don’t use a pseudonym. Actually, the personal nature of the problem prohibits me from talking about it with just about everyone. You can’t just walk around discussing prosthetic testicles.

So I ignore it. I deny it. I write letters to Adam and then rip them up, because they never convey what I imagine I need to convey. I call my husband names. And no matter what I do, it’s still sitting there, like this giant boulder in the road: puberty, without working testicles. Then, after that: no biological kids.

Fucking hell.

(I watch him while he sleeps, completely unaware of what awaits him in a few short years, and I want to scream at the injustice. He is so completely perfect (if you could see him!), why does this have to happen?

Tears well up in my eyes, but I push them away. I will not cry over him. He is fine. He will be fine. He is perfect, dammit. He does not need my tears.)

33 comments:

julia said...

Yeah, but you need your tears. Even if his condition isn't obvious or deforming or life-threatening, it's still there and I do think you're perfectly entitled to mourn the loss. He doesn't need to see you crying, but I really think that it's ok for you to cry about this.

I have a daughter with type 1 diabetes and I still cry about it sometimes, even after 9 years. It's a loss, it's a lack of normalcy that I grieve. I don't grieve over her, or her life, because her life is good. But I do grieve over what could have been. Does that make sense? I'm not pitying, just grieving.

Maybe if you do let yourself grieve over this, you'll be able to deal with it a little better. And if not, well, there's always counselling. That helped me, too.

Anonymous said...

What a difficult situation. It breaks my heart that your husband is bothered by it - enough to say what he did. I think that you have a good perspective - your son is very fortunate in many regards - and if you can impart this sort of self-confidence to him, then I think he will be just fine. But I really think you (and your son) will need your husband's support too.

My heart goes out to you - I can imagine that I'd feel similarly in your position, and I'd feel guilty about it too.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. However, you do need your moment to cry and feel no shame in that.

{{big hugs}}

kittenpie said...

I think Julia's right, that you might need to grieve what could have been, and that's okay.

I think for him, though, if it is simply a fact of his life from the get-go, he is unlikely to see it as a real issue for a long time. It simply is. Kids are amazingly resilient in what they live with because it is simply part of their normal, part of their reality. I think it will help him to know that he doesn't have to tell anyone about it, it is no one else's business, they are his private parts. And then when he gets older, it might be wise to keep your eyes open for signs he's bothered and offer counseling for him if it seems like it might be affecting him.

I thik with such a caring mother in his corner, he'll be good. And I think you're right about any future partner, too. Heck, it'll be a benefit for a long while! And then, if he is really her love, she will work with him to figure out what is right for them. lenty of couples face infertility even without this kind of condition and have to make those same choices.

I do not say all of that to suggest that this is no big deal, but to hopefully tell you some of what you know - that it will work out.

DD said...

Your son is perfect. Every child is. There is no one to blame for your son's condition, but you must make sure to grieve that part of him, that part of YOU, that has been lost before you can heal. And certainly before you can discuss this with him as he gets older.

I was shocked to read what your husband said. Even if he tries to excuse it with being intoxication, I would have to think there was an acorn of resentment he had been withholding from you, and probably even from himself.

Maybe its because there is no current physical manifestation from this and that's why you can't grieve? What if you knew your son would go blind; or would lose his hearing? Would you respond differently? If so, why?

I wish you much strength as you walk this path with your son. He will be stronger person knowing you have so much love for him.

Angela said...

I agree with all posters, my only advice though, to keep a copy of what you just wrote. It is very honest and to the point. When your son become old enough, he can read it and get a sense of what you are feeling. It may help him down the road to accept this - to 'prepare' for this. He'll appreciate the honesty. There's no right age to tell him but you'll know when the right age is and you can explain to him then. He's only 3 year old and sounds like a fabulous kid. You and your husband is still coming to grips with this, especially the husband. He's a male, and men still carry this 'cavemen' mentality where men are men. He needs time to accept this. I'm not advocating him saying this but this is obviously what he feels and he probably needs to go to counseling to work this through. He's probably blaming himself for possibility causing this problem to his son and he feels guilty. Again, your son is only 3, there is still not enough time to accept this, work it through, and become strong.

Hold your head up and your son will. I hope at least, his father can come to accept this and show your son that it's ok.

bubandpie said...

I see a lot of concern in this post about what you should be feeling. In one sense, what you "should" feel is irrelevant - your feelings simply are - there is no should. In another sense, I think it's important for you to acknowledge your grief and your anger so that you can work through these emotions that you're totally entitled to have. Right now, this condition is something that's happening to you and your husband; your son doesn't know about it yet, and later on it will be something that's happening to him, and that will give you new sources of grief. Do the crying (or yelling) that you need to now so that you're ready to help him as much as necessary later on.

I don't think what your husband said really means that he sees his son as "damaged goods" or wants to replace him. Obviously he didn't choose his words well, but I think it's a natural desire to want biological children, and even biological grandchildren. I think there's a process involved in relinquishing that desire and realizing that our children become our own through the time we spend with them and the love that grows between parent and child (and grandparent and child).

Your son will someday reach a time where he has to grieve the loss of the biological children he might otherwise have had (though I agree with Kittenpie that this may not be a big struggle for him, because he'll know from a young age that he can become a daddy in a less traditional way). I don't think your husband's feelings are a betrayal of your son, and I don't think your feelings are either - even if you do feel angry, even if you cry, or even if there's a tiny part of you that feels at all disappointed at the prospect of not having biological grandchildren.

It's okay to acknowledge those feelings and then let them go. Because you're right - you have this perfect, happy, irreplaceable little boy, and none of those other feelings compromise the fact that you have a fierce love for him that breathes in every line of this post.

Anonymous said...

You're justified to feel bad about this for him, and to cry, while remembering that it's no one's fault that he was born this way. probably a good cry and grieving process will purge it from your heart and head and maybe after that you can start to see it as one of his characteristics and not one of his defects. you should try to get to a point when it doesn't come into your mind every time you look at him, rather it's something you have to remember that he has this condition.

Also, you never know what kid of person your kid is going to grow up to be. perhaps he won't want to have kids. or maybe he'll be gay. or maybe his girlfriend won't want to have kids. i think you should be honest with him though, and not wait to 'spring' this info on him when you think he's old enough to understand it, because i've had plenty of friends get angry with their parents for not being honest with them from the start.

Lisa b said...

As a mom I want to reiterate what others have said about your right and need to be upset about you son having to deal with being different from other kids.
As someone who works with teens I wanted to comment on your concerns about what he will go through as a teenager and worries that he will turn away from you. My experience has been that teens who have a supportive home life are best able to deal with the stresses in their lives. You sound like a caring mom who loves her son for who he is. Though they won't let on, this matters so much to teenagers.

Anonymous said...

I understand.
My daughter was not born "perfect" - she has a bowed right leg and has to wear a brace 24/7 until she is a teenager and then it can be straightened. I struggled with those same feeling of trying to convince myself I was so lucky (after suffering infertility for years . . .) and that it could be worse etc. but it was actually eating me up inside. Finally a friend told me to just grieve and I did - I cried buckets for days/weeks and then finally I just prayed that God would let me let it go and I finally did. We live day to day now and rarely focus on what the future may bring (if she breaks it beforehand then that's a whole other set of circumstances) but if I hadn't allowed myself that grieving period I don't think I'd be at this point. Do what feels natural and let it out. Just because you are disappointed that God didn't give you a "perfect" child doesn't mean you are disappointed in Adam.
Best wishes to you

slackermommy said...

I feel your pain and your guilt. My oldest daughter has Tourette's. I know she won't die because of it but I still feel sadness for her and what the future holds. I know she will be made fun of and I worry that she won't get dates or asked to the prom. When she sleeps I stand over her, looking at her beautiful angelic face and I cry. My heart hurts for her and I feel terrible that I'm the one who most likely passed this condition onto her. So I pray for guidance that I can teach her to rise above it and become a better person for it. So far so good, she has turned one of her tics into a fashion statement with her friends. But I know the worse has yet to come because the syndrome peaks around ten years of age.

In the short time that I've been reading your blog I feel I've gotten to know you well enough to feel confident that you will find your way on this. You are a good mom and in touch with your feelings. You are smart to allow yourself to feel your sadness and disappointment. When your son is older and will need to talk about it, I know you will have the right words to ease his frustration, sadness, and disappointment.

Why didn't our mothers tell us life would be this fucking hard?

Beanie Baby said...

Oh hon, I had no idea. I mean, I knew he had some health issues b/c you talk about surgery sometimes, but I had no idea.

I'm thinking of you. And you do deserve your tears, every one of them.

If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here, ok? I know it's not the same thing but I heard a lot of my own words in this post.

Phantom Scribbler said...

This is going to sound stupid, but I'm really proud of you for writing this all up. It's been a long time coming, hasn't it?

He IS perfect. And your grief and your anger are perfectly justified. Those two statements might seem to contradict each other. But somehow in this crazy world, they don't.

Hugs. Thanks for confiding in us.

J said...

Great post. I'll second the person who said that you should print it and keep it for your son. Also, I didn't take your husband's comment as thinking his son is damaged goods...he just wants what he wants. What he truly wants, and cannot have, is for your son to have normal testosterone production. What he truly wants is for this to not have happened to his son.

Easy to say from the outside, looking in, huh? How do I know what he meant. But I would try to get some perspective around it, if you can, so that it doesn't make marriage harder than it is.

Crunchy Carpets said...

I am crying for you.
Not because of anything 'wrong' with your son who shares the same name as mine...but for your worries for him...he is your perfect angel and we all just want to protect our angels and having this one thing to deal with as he gets older will just make it that bit harder for the two you...

but with a mom like you....

He will be just fine.

halloweenlover said...

I'm also in awe that you were able to write this out, so beautifully and clearly and passionately. He is most certainly perfect. Absolutely, and someday he will find a partner that views him as perfect, and they will have a family together, however that comes about.

Sometimes people say things they don't mean, because they are thoughtless or not considering the ramifications, and I think that might be where your husband's comment lies. It is heartbreaking to hear it, but I believe he loves Adam with his whole heart and soul, no doubts about it. He just wasn't thinking straight.

Your son is beautiful and wonderful. If you need to cry, you should cry, but I think you're right that his life will be fulfilling and complete, even with this one obstacle in his way.

Big big hugs.

susan said...

((((o))))))

Perfect children sometimes do need tears: not that you *should* cry, but if if you're not crying because you fear your tears would mean you're letting him down, then I think you should try to let go of that fear.

I recognize a lot of me in this post, although CG's medical issues are different. But the weird combinations of joy, anger and jealousy are sometimes hard to handle.

Hugs.

Brenda said...

I want to say that your son is perfect, he may not be the same as everyone else, but none of us are really the same. He is perfect for him.

I think you should use this as the starting of a letter to your son, or maybe you could journal for awhile and then edit it for your son. However your son NEVER EVER EVER needs to read about what your husband said. He said it and he may or may not have meant it, but he would probably never say it to your son. If he does say it to your son some day let that be his choice. Also, I would hold in confidence anything else your husband discusses with you about your son. Her deserves to be able to come to terms with this in his own way talking with the greatest support he has in his life -- you. He deserves to be able to talk freely without thinking that you will one day repeat it to his son. Though if what he says hurts you, you can and should tell him. But to write down what he said and present it to his son some day. That is wrong, just wrong.

That being said I can kind of understand what your husband said. He wants a son to carry on his name/genes. It isn't that he thinks Adam is defective or subpar. If you had two girls and he expressed his desire to have a son, would you view it as him saying he is disappointed in your daughters? Probably not (I don't know you) you would probably view it as a simple desire to have a son. Try not to read to much into it.

I hope you can find some way to make peace with it. Is there some sort of support group you could join? It might help to talk to others in your situation

Angel Baby said...

IMHO, all your feelings are valid responses to a really tough situation. Just because things COULD BE harder/scarier/riskier doesn't mean that how things are right now isn't hard enough to deal with and rightfully deserves to be grieved.

I hate it when people play the "my bummer is bigger than your bummer game" as if one person's rough day/year/experience isn't worthy of being validated just because someone out there is suffering more. It's harder to recognize this little game when you're playing it against yourself. (!) You have ever right to feel sad/hopeless/upset/angry/etc.

AND so does your husband, by the way. His comment wasn't about your son, it was about himself. It's not a horrendous thing to want (biological) grandchildren, right? (So many of us COULD adopt, but choose to have our own children for the very same reason.) I mean, that's what makes this hard for you too in some ways, right? I imagine that all your husband needs is a LITTLE acknowledgement of the possibility that his biological trail ends here. It's hard and disappointing and he feels that acutely it sounds like. (It's even possible that your son may need the exact same empathic conversation in twenty years.) Most men seem to attach great meaning to producing biological heirs. (I've always wanted to adopt, but my husband insists on having HIS kids. Go figure. I can't judge him, only try my hardest to see his point of view.) And it might be that your husband could offer more understanding to how your son might feel about it in the future.

You have so much love for your son. He is lucky for that!! And, maybe, he will help guide you in your grief when life presents you with the challenges of his situation. Trust your heart, momma. Trust yourself to know the way through this...

Anonymous said...

He sounds like a perfect little angel and you're going to raise him to be a lovely young man. There are so many children out there who need daddies and your son will make a fine one some day.

Mommy off the Record said...

Like others have said, definitely keep this post for your son. This was so heartfelt and written so beautifully. Your love for him comes through.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be. On the one hand, you have so much to be thankful for because he is an otherwise healthy and happy boy, but there are the unknowns about how this will affect his life. I think the best thing you can do for him is to love him and make him feel lovable, make him feel that ANY woman would be LUCKY to have his love. I know you will do this and ARE doing this.

((hugs)) to you. This would not be an easy thing.

Reba said...

I have a different worry for my son. I am worried that when he does get older he will get a girl pregnant and the girl will either not tell him and abort the baby or have it and not tell him. Or worse have the baby and get child support but refuse to let him see the baby. I just hope I raise him right and the girl would never do this to him. Not that it helps, but at least you won't have to have this worry.

There is a girl out there that will understand that he can not have children and it will not bother her. There are so many options for adoption now.

My boyfriend had Polio when he was little, which has caused many health problems. We have also talked about whether it may have caused him to be fertile. We have discussed this and it doesn't bother either of us. I could be biased because I have one child already, but maybe that is what your son will find. Just don't give up hope and never allow others to make him feel less than what he is.

Rachel said...

I think you are so great. And so is your little man. I am so sorry that you both have to go through this. It isn't fair at all.

TB said...

What a powerful tribute to a mother's love. This is absolutely heartbreaking and lovely and I have a feeling you are going to make certain things for your son go as smoothly and normally as possible as he gets older.

Mommygoth said...

Oh, darlin. Even having known all this time what the situation was, it still broke my heart to read this. You tend to focus on the fear associated with the surgeries, and not your larger fears for your boy's life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.

I also agree with the commenters here, but I have this to add. It will be many long years before your son will be in a position to have that conversation with a woman he hopes to marry. We have no way to know now what medical advances may be made in that time. And if there are none? I can honestly say as the biological child of a couple with an adopted child, there is NO difference in the amount of love your son's child can receive, whether born of him or not.

Your fears are real and normal, and I would never belittle them by telling you there's no reason for them. But I will tell you that I look at pictures of that boy every. single. day, and he shines like a good deed in a weary world. There will never be a lack of love for a kid like your son. No way.

Queue said...

I had a friend with a simular situation his parents had been told all of his life he would not be albe to have children, his son just turned three. Miricles happen everyday. i am praying for you, if nothing else you son is very lucky to have you for a mom.

Jaelithe said...

I agree with Queue-- Just because you have been told he will never produce sperm does not necessarily mean he won't be able to have biological children someday-- it just means it might be complicated and expensive. Even if he has no natural testicles-- even if he is XX or mosaic (you didn't specify his chromosome situation, and since I don't read your blog, I wasn't sure), recent advances in reproductive medicine indicate it might be possible for him to have a genetic child at some point in the future, should he want that enough to go through the associated trouble, and assuming such intervention doesn't conflict with your religious beliefs.

Fertility issues aside, though, I imagine, just as you do, that this will be terribly hard for him to deal with just on principle once he hits puberty. But, on the upside, there are many organizations that help people born with ambiguous genitalia connect with others who have faced the same issues, and it is quite likely that if he looks for it he will be able to find plenty of support from people who truly understand what he is going through.

I agree with previous posters that you are perfectly justified in mourning what might have been with your son. No child is perfect, and no mother is free from worry, sadness and guilt over the special issues her children, as unique individuals, each face. I am sure if your child had been born with a more serious defect, you would STILL find a child in a worse situation to compare him to.

I hope your husband can get over his obvious resentment of the situation. It's understandable given our culture's obsession with male virility and patrilineal heritage, but still. Even if you did have another biological child, there is a 50% chance it would be a girl, anyway. Does he plan on your pushing out a baby a year until he gets his fertile male heir? Somehow I doubt his wallet would agree with his sperm on that subject . . . Perhaps a counsellor could help him appreciate the family he's already blessed with.

Brenda said...

Maybe one day they could transplant one of your husband's testicles into your son... just a thought. There is hope for treatment even though there is nothing wrong with the way he is now.

Anonymous said...

Its impossible to know what the future will hold. We all have hopes and dreams for our children and then, sometimes, they turn out to want something different from us.
A wise mother I know said to me recently that she wants her daughter to be perfect only so her life will be easy. And I think that what all parents want: for life to be easy for our children. I think maybe that is why you want to cry, because life might not be as easy as it could be for your son. That is a good reason to cry. Go ahead.

Ultimately, he IS fine and life will have its challenges, be it this or something else. I think both you and your husband will help him through it.

Liesl said...

He may not need your tears, but you need to let them out. For you.

You are right. This is not a life-threatening situation, which is wonderful and fantastic. It is a life-altering one however, and that has to be scary.

But the thing is, he's years away from having to deal with his condition and its ramifications. By the time he's old enough to worry about this, medical progress may have been made. Or maybe he and his future wife will decide to adopt for other reasons. Who knows?

We all want worry-free lives for our kids. I doubt any of us will be able to provide such a life. But I strongly suspect that you and your husband will be excellent teachers when it comes to showing him how to handle problems, and as long as he has that important foundation, he'll be able to deal with this issue in whatever way works for him.

Hugs!

Nancy said...

I have nothing to add that the other commenters didn't already cover. I just want to say that you're an amazing mom and I love you even more for having written this. ((hugs))

reddragonsangel said...

Question- what if your daughter found out that she was unable to concieve? For whatever reason. It is common for women to go thru therapy to concieve- then also to go thru invitro-or other means such as a surrgate- adoption etc. This is not something that is uncommon. Many males have a low to no sperm count. Some males have one testicle- for whatever reason. The only difference Is you KNOW now. It's not something you will find out when he is an adult and trying to have children. It is a sad thing, and I understand your pain. No, I guess I do not. As I have a little boy who, so far, has no medical anomolies. I am sorry. But - Your pain is something ever mother feels. To want to protect your child from any hurt, from any ridicule. To make his life perfect-always. I had HPV- stage 1 low grade cancer with both of my pegnancies. I feared that I gave both of my children cancer. I didn't, than GOD. I also feared having a dughter, as I have suffered my WHOLE life with hereditary female medical issues. I do NOT want her to go thru what I have. My mother took shots to ensure that I would be carried to full term in her uterus. These shots may have caused my medical problems. My father once told her that he blamed her for my pain, all the surguries etc. She had to have a girl. And she didn't care that I may have had these problems. She did it anyways. That is unfair. Because- even tho I suffered- I still have 2 of my own beautiful and healthy children. Will my daughter inherit the same medical troubles I did? Every female in the family has had them. The chances that she will are really great. Am I sorry? yes, I do not want her to suffer EVER. But given the choice that she endure a life of not having children or me not having her- I can not imagine my life without my kids. Selfish? maybe. Whatever the future may hold for my kids-any illness (mental or physical) any issue that they have to face- I will be here. I will try to do my best to show them that no matter what- they were chosen. By me and by God- to be born. And that is reason enough to get thru whatever we may have to face. I think you are a wonderful mother to feel the way you do. I think you are perfectly normal- And that your son will have a great life with a parent like you. With your love and support he will be able to get thru it. That's all that really matters, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Your sorrow is so valid and you definitely need to cry for you.

This is such a sensitive subject. So many questions for later in how you'll deal with HIS questions. I think it wise to hang on to this post for him to read later, if he wants to. I am sure it would be difficult for most men to read anything their mother wrote about their sexuality, you know?

And I know you've most likely thought of this, but when you tell him of his condition, how will it effect his sex life before he's a married man? Will he still want to have safe sex if he is not risking procreation?

So many angles to this situation... You are a brave woman that will do all the right things. You've made it clear here of how much you adore your son. Best of luck to you, your husband and your son as you find ways to cope.