Posted by Sarah of Sarah and the Goon Squad.
If you'd like to use this space to tell stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal mind, anonymously or otherwise, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement.
If you'd like to use this space to tell stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal mind, anonymously or otherwise, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement.
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Dear "Friend,"
I called you this morning and you whined "I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever call."
I just want you to know that this is the exact reason I don't call more often. I can't stand the bullshit guilt trip you try to lay on me. I realize that you cannot understand that you are not the center of the universe but I have my own life.
In fact, I have two children, a husband, two cats, a home, a job that is freelance that I have to do in between the kids freaking out and changing diapers and a social life all about 1200 miles away from you.
So if you were wondering why I don't call you anymore it is because you are too high maintenance. I don't call because I don't want to have to hear about my never calling. I don't visit because I don't want to hear about me never visiting. You stopped being a friend to
me when you became a burden. Why can't you just say "Hi. How have you been?" like all of the other people I talk to once or twice a year?
Talking to you is never a pleasure. It is draining.
You can't maintain friendships by bullying people into them.
I am done with you. I don't need the hassle.
Love,
Sarah
15 comments:
Ah, the guilt friendship! BTDT, and walked away.
Wow, I think we have the same friend. Only mine is a guy! Can you believe a guy would act like that??? You wrote exactly how I feel when I talk to him.
Good for you. The guilt trippers are the worst and can make your life miserable. Now, if only guilt tripping family members were so easily dealt with...
And by the way, stop trying to guilt me into being your friend. Everytime I think I am done with you, I get a card telling me how thankful you are that I'm your friend. I have friends who never give me cards. So think about the fact that you feel the need to constantly remind me that I'm your friend.
(Thanks, Sarah, for saying what I'm feeling.)
Amen sista. Same goes for family members too.
I so have family members like that. Well, one family member. She always says, we haven't seen you or the kids in a month - you never visit anymore. Um, let me see... Three kids, work full time, university courses 2 nites per week, hockey, taekwondo, housework, sleep.... And, ahem, I seem to think y'all know where I live, Mom. Oops, I mean, unknown family member. Why don't you stop whining and do something to help me out? Like my dishes. Jeesh.
Sorrrry... I don't mean that - I LOVE my mom and she does help me out. But, damn, she knows how to make me feel guilty.
Dear Sarah,
Could you please advise my mother-in-law of the above.
Sincerely,
Heather :)
Walk away. Friendship should not cause stress and should not be tinged with guilt.
Geez. I thought it only family-members-who-shall-not-be-named who behaved this way.
Sigh.
Walking away is the right thing. She's not a friend; she's a self-absorbed brat who's probably going to lose quite a few friends before she gets a clue.
I have a family member who is sort of like this sometimes too . . . okay, maybe two family members, actually. But I can't be done with them so easily, being they're family and all.
I have also lost a ton of childless friends after I had my child. (Well, really I started losing some of them when I was pregnant and therefore could not go hang out with them at smoky bars until 2 a.m.). A lot of people I once thought were really great friends just couldn't understand it at all when my priorities shifted toward my family. I've been subjected to many a guilt trip for not being as accessible as I once was now that I have to find a babysitter just to leave the house at the same time as my husband.
You know that I've been there, in a similar situation. It sucks LARGEST, because the people that you most assumed would understand your life choices and the impositions of these turn out to not be understanding at all. And that's a tremendous disappointment.
I've been the dumped high maintenance friend, recently. Only I'd like to think that I didn't guilt trip. I'm pretty sure I didn't. What I DID do was continue to call and leave 'funny' messages, ie; "It's my daily stalk! Hope you guys are doing well!" She just disappeared. Stopped calling, stopped all contact with no explanation. I guess what would have helped, what would have made me stop 'bugging her'....would have been an explanation. "You are too high maintenance and I can't deal with you right now, or ever again". Would have been less cruel than how she did handle it. I don't know if it's reasonable for you to tell her why you're walking away? Just a little sumthin' sumthin' from the other side of the fence. I feel like I was once a good enough friend that I deserved at least a proper kiss off.
Smart letter... don't you wish you could send it? Ah to be so bold... good thing she is so far away! I understand exactly where you are coming from.
I know all too well.
I have this friend, too. It's totally exhausting. I wish (fervently) that I lived 1200 miles away from her so I didn't have the added guilt that comes from her expectation that we should hang out twice a week. It makes me all clench-y and anxious to think about it. Sigh.
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