Sunday, March 04, 2007

Secret Heart

Posted by Anonymous.


Secrets have a life of their own, don't they? I am careful to only share this secret in places where I know my family won't tread. Because, regardless of all the secrets I have told them... this isn't one of them.

I'm a birth mom. I had a little girl for whom my heart aches, daily. She is the product of a relationship I am still in, with someone I dearly love. Her timing, not so great. I was 5 months pregnant when I actually found out that I was carrying a little life.

I do realize this paints me as some ozark cave dweller with zero body consciousness. I was still having menstrual cycles and I had only gained 3 pounds. Needless to say, I was not the only one surprised.

We made the decision, swiftly, quickly, to place her for adoption. We were simply not ready to be parents. I will be honest, that while I don't mourn my decision...I long for her. We see her once a year, and her parents keep in good contact with us, they are giving, wonderful people. But, when I see her curls and hear her laugh, I want to wrap her in my arms and cry as I breathe in her smell. I want to trap it in my brain and take it home with me so I can pull it back up when I feel alone.

She asks her parents about me, she pulled her mother into her room one day, where a picture of her, biodad and I sits on her dresser. She held it in her sweet, little girl hands and asked "Is Christine ok?"

Oh, my heart. This was the right decision, but it doesn't mean I don't hurt. I can't even send out mother's day cards without feeling as though I am about to break. I don't know what I want from this... I just needed someone to know.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I cannot even imagine what you are going through but I just wanted you to know that I read this and I'm not judging you. It must be so difficult not being able to talk about it. I'm hear to listen.

Anonymous said...

thank you.

Gabriella said...

My heart aches when i read this, but know that your daughter is loved by you and her adoptive parents. She's ok. Writing your story always helps. There's always people here to listen and not judge.

soleclaw said...

Oh my dear. Your feelings are normal and expected, no matter what the circumstances you are going to long for your daughter. Take heart in the fact that you are priveledged enough to see her once a year, while many many adopted children never see their birth parents again.

My shoulder is yours any time.

Lara said...

i agree with these others. there is no judgment here - only love and support and comfort whenever you want or need it. i wish for your sake that there were more we could do, but just know that there are always people willing to listen and accept. i'm so sorry you have to carry this burden, but glad that you carry it with such strength and courage.

NotSoSage said...

I think it took incredible strength for you to make the decision you did, making the right decision for everyone. I'm so glad for you that you get a chance to see her, know her and vice versa. At the same time, I understand how incredibly hard it must be. I think she will be very grateful to you, in the future, for both of those things. Of course you ache for her! As she will likely, at some point, ache for you...and she will be lucky enough to know where to find you when she discovers that.

ewe are here said...

You gave your daughter the greatest gift in the world - a family that was absolutely ready and able to love and provide for her in all the ways that you weren't at the time. I cannot even imagine the strength that must have taken. You and your partner are obviously incredibly courageous and full of love to have acted so selflessly.

My thoughts are with you.

Jenna said...

You are not alone.

Redneck Mommy said...

Such strength.

As a hopeful adoptive parent myself, I am blown away by your generosity.

Thank you for it, and thank you for sharing the pain of that decision.

Hugs to you.

Lisa b said...

That is a huge secret to carry. I do hope sharing here helped.
I have friends who have adopted. It is such a gift that you have given to the couple and to your daughter.
I can only imagine how difficult that decision was.

Maria said...

I am an adoptive mother and oh how I wish my son's family felt the way you do. I wish my son knew his biomom and biodad, I wish they would visit or send a card on his birthday. And I know one day he will wish these things too.

You gave your daughter such a gift by loving her enough to part with her and you continue to give her the gift of knowing that she is loved by two sets of parents. The fact that you still Love her does not make you weird or a bad biomom--it makes you the kind of biomom ever adoptive child deserves!

Anonymous said...

hi cristina i'm sorry you're heart aches for your daughter.but your decision was the right one take comfort that her adoptive parents have love and compassion in their hearts for you.and your daughter when old enough will know that your decision was made out of love and concern for her well being.LAVENDULA

DDM said...

I know a family with two adopted little girls who have yearly contact with their birthmoms. Thank you for doing what you did. These adoptive parents wanted their little girls more than anyone can ever understand. What a wonderful life they have. And that they have more than two parents who love them so much, makes it even more wonderful. Again, thank you for doing what you did. You made parents out of incredible people.

kgirl said...

oh sweetness, what you did for your daughter makes you the best kind of mother there is.

as much the secret, and having to keep it, weighs on your heart, i hope you get some comfort out of knowing that because of you, they get to be a family.

Buffy said...

Bless your heart....

jen said...

oh, yes. this writing is so familiar to me.

it's such a gift what you did, for the people who received it, for your child. you wouldn't have done it if it wasn't exactly the right thing to be done.

Anonymous said...

Thank all of you, more than I can express.
It was the perfect thing to do, but sometimes perfection is such a hard road.

Lotta said...

Oh baby, I wish I could give you a big hug. I was adopted and met my birth mother two years ago. Before meeting her I had only thought of my own reasons for the meeting. Now, I see that getting in touch with her brought her great joy and great pain. Do you think seeing pictures every year is too hard? You are a brave and wonderful woman.

Anonymous said...

You are a courageous and strong woman to do what you did, and to do what you do. To continue actively loving her as you do, even as it puts such a tremendous strain on your generous heart.

Anonymous said...

17 years ago, on April 1st, I said good-bye to my first born. It was the right decision at the time, but not a day goes by, still, that I don't wonder, wish, worry, and hope.....wonder how he's doing, wish that he has a good life, with good parents and family that love him completely, worry that mabye i could have possibly made the wrong decision, and hope that one day he will find it in his heart to understand and to forgive and maybe, just maybe, want to know who i am.

Anonymous said...

You are all so wonderful. Thank you so much....and for the last commenter, I know yours will long for you, too.

Andi said...

I have my own history that I cannot share publicly. I know how painful it is to carry something that is so much a part of your self hidden away. I hope that you have a close support network (your partner and close friends) with whom you can be open about your feelings and what you're experiencing.

gingajoy said...

it must hurt immeasurably, i know. I can't even imagine. But I so respect and admire your courage to do what you knew, and still know, was the right thing.

Very powerfully written post.

Anonymous said...

I think that you are so very brave. You did a selfless thing. I wish you all the happiness and peace in the world.