Monday, June 11, 2007

Finding the Strength to Leave

Posted By Anonymous.

I don't know what I want anymore!
I can't pretend to be happy anymore!
I can't lie anymore!
I can't pretend anymore!
I don't know what to do...

When violence appears is it worth it to continue? I am so torn oh great now this song comes on Face Down from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, bleh...

I am gonna cry again I hit first so that makes me the bad one right even though I was cornered and had my face squished with his etc etc what do you do this has never happened to this point my body hurts ugh I cannot even make sense right now. I hit him first cause I was soooooo angry after all the stupid BS & being cornered like that for the 100th time! I just wanted to say get out of my face you fuckin ass & ended up yelling at him as to how lazy he is & how much I want him gone & then I just went nuts hitting & well then I was being pulled onto the floor & not the only one hitting!

Now hours later he is asking me why I am not over it & acting happy like WTF is wrong with
him! I mean I understand this is 50% my fault & 50% his but what kind of a question is that does he not expect me to be a bit hateful & weird now I mean UGH I don't know how to act or communicate this right now!

Communictaion is most of my issue I can't let him know how I feel about anything until I have lost it & well he gets pissed & breaks stuff or grabs me & corners me!

Someone help I need advice!

*I have edited this a bit since first posted*

I want to say also I feel that abuse is not ok either way meaning a man should not hit a woman & vise versa a woman should not hit the man! I always said if the girl hits you she is fair game! I think that is why I am soooo torn here since I hit first! I don't have the time nor the want to justify myself or give tons of background except to say I was wrong, but so was he for hitting me back, both of us suck! There are soooo many past events that lead up to this. The many times
we have gotten into fights I have been hurt only slightly and mostly my pride & never pushed back or anything! I just could not take it anymore today & snapped! LOL & one more thing why is it the guy never looks beat up?


I am SOOOOOOOOOOO sick & tired of him watching me look for jobs & doing nothing himself but sitting there watching tv or playing video games. You know not even 5months ago he was sitting in jail for NO CHILD SUPPORT and I spent all my efforts & $700 of bill money +
asking our friends for help to find the $1000 bail to get his LAZY ass out of jail oh & this was during Christmas NICE. Oh & that money that I came up with for bail goes to that bitch I HATE!! Ok so then we have the month of January where he found a job, but only had it for three weeks before being fired!!!! So of course he used almost all that money for Child Support not that I don't understand that, but I mean SERIOUSLY when is he ever gonna make a contribution to THIS family, you know, the one he lives with?

So he goes to court in March they don't arrest him because you know he sent the state money from the job he had in Jan. SOOOOOO now we sit here just like the past THREE FUCKING years now well almost 3yrs and he is still a fucking dead beat dad & a lazy ass person. He does help around the house & does the things I don't wanna do, but seriously when he goes to jail
again in June(next court day) I am packing his shit & leaving town!

I mean why am I sooooo fucking STUPID to just sit here let him hit me, not get a job & have all the stress of having to find the $$$ to take care of things bymyself & OMFG he just lit up a cigarrette in MY fucking house when he knows I HATE it he is supposed to go outside, but like that is gonna happen! You know I have a child with asthma that cig shit sticks in the air & on the furniture but if I say anything it will be a fight!


You guys know I quit smoking pot cause you know we don't have the money & he still has
cigs UGH I am gonna start smoking cigs again I swear! Oh & did I mention I have been going through a huge horrible thing with my ex(Jordan's dad) for three years now for child support & he hears me bitch about him & says bad stuff when WTF does he have to say about
anything! STUPID ASSHOLE! Ok so who can I move in with or who wants to help me kill him cause he will not leave he tells me to go! Sad fact is I don't want him to go only because we have the best mind splitting, mind numbing craziest sex I have ever had & I will
SO miss it, it's great!

I think I have lost my mind! :( & I know what you are thinking have a talk with him & well that does nothing AT ALL he does not even try to look for a job not on craigslist not in person UGH I hate myself for doing this to myself... Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want this to be better? Why doesn't he want to be a real man & help his family? You guys all know that I would be fine with him staying at home me working full time if he would just get a part time job to pay his child support I AM NOT GONNA DO IT FOR HIM OVER MY DEAD BODY! & he wants to marry me yea right so I can be liable for his lazy ass & his child support that is soooo not gonna
happen! So tell me WTF! Oh & I have decided to finally get my GED this is partially due to the fact that I want & need to have a decent job and they usually require at least a GED. I do have a diploma my dad made me (fake of course) that has worked for most jobs, but since looking into this job in Gatesville I have realized that I need the real thing if not only for that job but many others! So please wish me luck I have been studing or at least trying to between everything else but when I take the pretests I suck so... lol.

I want to be happy I really do I cannot understand what I did to deserve this... The children I love to death they are not the problem it is my man if you can call him that... I am having such an issue with all the crap and the GUILT I feel about the fact that I am leaving him. I have to leave he is verbally & occasionally physically violent. Always uses fear to stop an argument to make himself right I could go on and on, but I digress. I have to get to the point where I have somewhere else to go and the monies saved up. It could be another month and I am going
insane. Please give me the strength to continue on!!!!!


Anonymous said...

You can do it girl - leave that ass. He is not good for you. He's not there for you and you are wasting your time being there for him. You wont be sorry. You dont need him.

Anonymous said...

there are other people to have amazing sex with who won't provoke you to hit them and won't hit you. people with jobs can also be really good in bed.

if you can't communicate well with this guy, and you think talking with him won't get you anywhere, then moving on will be better for everyone involved, especially your children. things may start to get better, but they'll get worse again if the two of you aren't really able to say how you feel when something is bothering you.

do you have family or friends you can stay with while you find a job? study hard for your g.e.d., get a steady job and focus on your kids. good luck and be safe.

Anonymous said...

To: 7:23 AM

What happened to not being judgemental on this site? You're an ass.

Her Bad Mother said...

So, I've deleted two comments from this post. Both were just a little too harsh. There's room for harsh truths here - see the previous post - but any thing that even borders on name-calling or any kind of disrespect to the poster gets deleted.

You can be critical, but be respectfully critical. This is meant to be a safe space.

Major Bedhead said...

Don't take up smoking again just to spite him - that's just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Move out, get your GED, get a job and live the life you want to live, the life you deserve to live. That will be your best revenge, knowing that you've done it in spite of him, knowing that you're doing better without him.

It probably won't be easy and you'll probably second guess your decision, especially in the beginning, but what you're living now isn't good for you or your child(ren).

You can do this. Just put your head down, block your ears and plow thru.

Anonymous said...

If you can, when he starts a fight, just walk away. It's better to just leave the situation than to let yourself get to the point where he hits you or you hit him, and you're left with the pain or the guilt for letting it get to that.

Get your GED (good job for doing that!!!) and a better job and leave him. He sounds like a total ass and you don't need to be supporting yourself, your kids, and him-- a grown man perfectly capable of taking care of himself. You're not his mommy, so don't let him make you take care of him as if you were. I really hope you can get out of this situation because it sounds absolutely awful.

Good Luck.

Anonymous said...

Her Bad Mother,

I suppose I should'nt have called that person an ass, what with it seriously crossing the name-calling line and all. Thanks for enforcing the non-judgemental stance on this site. I promise never to call names on this blog again.

Those of us who have made submissions in the past (like me) really appreciate having a place where we can come to share an experience or situation without being knocked down for it.

You're providing a very valuable service to people everywhere.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sorry. I still think the poster is an ass

Her Bad Mother said...

You're well within your rights here to *think* that someone is an ass. You can even offer constructive, anti-ass criticism. You just can't *call* them an ass.


Anonymous said...

Anon 11:51AM back again.

I was calling one of the commentors an ass, not the poster. Just FYI.

Her Bad Mother said...

Oh, well, that's okay then ;)

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say thx to all who left comments, even the bad ones that were left. I was in a really really really bad place the few days I wrote those two entries in my personal blog. I only have a few friends that are able to read it and I am perfectly honest on the blog. I will admit I was drinking if not drunk when I wrote both those entries and obviously pissed off so not quite my normal self. I brought them to this site so that I would have more accountability to do it get him out and move on with my life. So once again I appreciate all comments and they ALL made me consider everything.