Posted By Anonymous.
I don't know what I want anymore!
I can't pretend to be happy anymore!
I can't lie anymore!
I can't pretend anymore!
I don't know what to do...
When violence appears is it worth it to continue? I am so torn oh great now this song comes on Face Down from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, bleh...
I am gonna cry again I hit first so that makes me the bad one right even though I was cornered and had my face squished with his etc etc what do you do this has never happened to this point my body hurts ugh I cannot even make sense right now. I hit him first cause I was soooooo angry after all the stupid BS & being cornered like that for the 100th time! I just wanted to say get out of my face you fuckin ass & ended up yelling at him as to how lazy he is & how much I want him gone & then I just went nuts hitting & well then I was being pulled onto the floor & not the only one hitting!
Now hours later he is asking me why I am not over it & acting happy like WTF is wrong with
him! I mean I understand this is 50% my fault & 50% his but what kind of a question is that does he not expect me to be a bit hateful & weird now I mean UGH I don't know how to act or communicate this right now!
Communictaion is most of my issue I can't let him know how I feel about anything until I have lost it & well he gets pissed & breaks stuff or grabs me & corners me!
Someone help I need advice!
*I have edited this a bit since first posted*
I want to say also I feel that abuse is not ok either way meaning a man should not hit a woman & vise versa a woman should not hit the man! I always said if the girl hits you she is fair game! I think that is why I am soooo torn here since I hit first! I don't have the time nor the want to justify myself or give tons of background except to say I was wrong, but so was he for hitting me back, both of us suck! There are soooo many past events that lead up to this. The many times
we have gotten into fights I have been hurt only slightly and mostly my pride & never pushed back or anything! I just could not take it anymore today & snapped! LOL & one more thing why is it the guy never looks beat up?
I am SOOOOOOOOOOO sick & tired of him watching me look for jobs & doing nothing himself but sitting there watching tv or playing video games. You know not even 5months ago he was sitting in jail for NO CHILD SUPPORT and I spent all my efforts & $700 of bill money +
asking our friends for help to find the $1000 bail to get his LAZY ass out of jail oh & this was during Christmas NICE. Oh & that money that I came up with for bail goes to that bitch I HATE!! Ok so then we have the month of January where he found a job, but only had it for three weeks before being fired!!!! So of course he used almost all that money for Child Support not that I don't understand that, but I mean SERIOUSLY when is he ever gonna make a contribution to THIS family, you know, the one he lives with?
So he goes to court in March they don't arrest him because you know he sent the state money from the job he had in Jan. SOOOOOO now we sit here just like the past THREE FUCKING years now well almost 3yrs and he is still a fucking dead beat dad & a lazy ass person. He does help around the house & does the things I don't wanna do, but seriously when he goes to jail
again in June(next court day) I am packing his shit & leaving town!
I mean why am I sooooo fucking STUPID to just sit here let him hit me, not get a job & have all the stress of having to find the $$$ to take care of things bymyself & OMFG he just lit up a cigarrette in MY fucking house when he knows I HATE it he is supposed to go outside, but like that is gonna happen! You know I have a child with asthma that cig shit sticks in the air & on the furniture but if I say anything it will be a fight!
WTF UGH I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW I WANNA RUN AND SCREAM AND HIDE AND SHOOT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You guys know I quit smoking pot cause you know we don't have the money & he still has
cigs UGH I am gonna start smoking cigs again I swear! Oh & did I mention I have been going through a huge horrible thing with my ex(Jordan's dad) for three years now for child support & he hears me bitch about him & says bad stuff when WTF does he have to say about
anything! STUPID ASSHOLE! Ok so who can I move in with or who wants to help me kill him cause he will not leave he tells me to go! Sad fact is I don't want him to go only because we have the best mind splitting, mind numbing craziest sex I have ever had & I will
SO miss it, it's great!
I think I have lost my mind! :( & I know what you are thinking have a talk with him & well that does nothing AT ALL he does not even try to look for a job not on craigslist not in person UGH I hate myself for doing this to myself... Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want this to be better? Why doesn't he want to be a real man & help his family? You guys all know that I would be fine with him staying at home me working full time if he would just get a part time job to pay his child support I AM NOT GONNA DO IT FOR HIM OVER MY DEAD BODY! & he wants to marry me yea right so I can be liable for his lazy ass & his child support that is soooo not gonna
happen! So tell me WTF! Oh & I have decided to finally get my GED this is partially due to the fact that I want & need to have a decent job and they usually require at least a GED. I do have a diploma my dad made me (fake of course) that has worked for most jobs, but since looking into this job in Gatesville I have realized that I need the real thing if not only for that job but many others! So please wish me luck I have been studing or at least trying to between everything else but when I take the pretests I suck so... lol.
I want to be happy I really do I cannot understand what I did to deserve this... The children I love to death they are not the problem it is my man if you can call him that... I am having such an issue with all the crap and the GUILT I feel about the fact that I am leaving him. I have to leave he is verbally & occasionally physically violent. Always uses fear to stop an argument to make himself right I could go on and on, but I digress. I have to get to the point where I have somewhere else to go and the monies saved up. It could be another month and I am going
insane. Please give me the strength to continue on!!!!!