Posted by Anonymous.
I have to talk about this, but it's not something I can share with anyone I know. I realize I will be labeled by people and that's fine. There's probably nothing they can come up with I haven't already said to myself.
I'm having an affair. There, I said it. It's funny to think of all the things I thought, stereotypically of course, about those who would choose to engage in something like this. And yes, I admit fully that it's a choice. It didn't "just happen." There was no "accident." I made choices, he made choices and now we're having an affair. But why? Why do two normally rational, intelligent people choose this path? The questions are plenty. "How did you let this happen? Why are you doing this? Don't you realize people will be hurt?"
The other things I hear a lot are, "People who have affairs are just looking for a cheap thrill. They like the thought of doing something where they might get caught!" No one says this to me of course, because NO ONE would guess the situation I'm in. I'm a normal thirty-something woman, married with children in an upper-middle class neighborhood. I have an education and a great job. I attend school functions with people like you. My kids are friends with your kids. We might actually meet somewhere, strike up a conversation and you may find you actually like me. But if anyone knew what happened behind closed doors I would be labeled, branded and cast aside. So no one knows.
I'm not going to go into boring details about the state of my marriage. I will only say that it hasn't been good but it hasn't been horrible. My husband has emotional issues that I finally said he needed to fix. I didn't want to divorce again. That was why I stayed through all of these years. The problem is too much has happened and I can't see living the rest of my life with him. He knows this. I know this. We've discussed it. But such is the state of someone with emotional issues, it's very much a rollercoaster ride. And now I have guilt about the fact that my husband really IS trying to make himself better. I have just lost all desire to rebuild our relationship.
And so about eight months ago I struck up a conversation with a mutual friend. There hadn't been any real conversation between the two of us before and the connection during that chat was instant. Of course I ignored it because I'm a reasonable person, married with children and so is he. And then another conversation, and another...and soon you realize that you have a very deep and profound friendship and connection with this other man. Soon conversations turn private and you have to make a choice. You either stop talking to this person all together, because the intensity is too much to ignore, and casual friendship is no longer an option, or you make the choice to continue and see where it goes? Well, I know you can gather which choice we made.
What's funny is this isn't about a cheap thrill. The thought of getting caught is mortifying not exciting. The realities of an affair are nothing like the stereotypes portrayed in romance novels or Hollywood movies. The reality is my days are crushing, depressing, and aching as much as they are passionate, intense and intoxicating. I'm in purgatory. Stuck somewhere between where I am and where I want to be. Of course we would love to spend our days together. Of course I would love to share my life with him openly. Absolutely the most incredible, amazing man on the planet exists and I want to talk to people about him. But I can't. It's a shameful secret rather than a beautiful romance.
I see his wife only through photographs. I know as much about her as he has told me. When I see her, regardless of the state of their marriage I feel awful. I feel awful that I'm sleeping with her husband. I feel awful that I am hurting her. I feel awful that he might leave her to be with me. It's a lose-lose situation. I want to be with him, but the cost is HUGE! Their child, my children, my husband and she will absolutely suffer. When I see her picture I cry for these things. And also I cry because she gets to live the life I want so desperately to have.
So why don't you just leave? Well, to start the kids is a huge reason. I know the philosophy of not staying for the kids and I am caught between having a marginal life with my husband, sacrificing what I have with the other man for the sake of the kids, and having a phenomenal life with a man who knows me and connects with my soul. To be with him, two families will be broken. I fantasize about just saying, "Fuck it!" and leaving, him leaving her and just being selfish...let the chips fall where they may. But that is just that, a fantasy.
Another reason is financial. Where would I go? How would I support my children on my salary and keep them in a good school district? Leaving takes time and planning. Divorce is costly and things get heated even when you promise each other to be respectful for the sake of the children.
I feel like every day is a lie. I wake up and fake smile through my morning, getting the kids ready for the day, getting to work...and then a brief exchange online with the other man and I am smiling from inside. I light up. I laugh. And I smile, a real, sincere smile. Then reality strikes again. Things to do for work, readying for the evening at home with the kids and my husband. I imagine him there, because really it's all I have. What would be different about this moment if he were here with me and the kids? Too many things to list here. Then when things settle down for the evening and kids start heading to bed...I sometimes think, "man, I am just crazy. Maybe I'm just making too much out of this?" And then I see him online. And he says "Hello. I'm dying without you here." So often I have tried to convince myself that he really couldn't want a life with me. But every thing he has ever said or done has proven over and over...time and time again that he wants more. As much as I believe this isn't about sex, because believe me...that opportunity is rare, I know it is more emotional than anything. And then I feel guilty about that too. Because, really, isn't that the worst kind?
I have no idea what I thought I would get out of sharing this. I just had to get this off my chest. There really is nothing worse than living in limbo. Living every day wanting something you cannot have is not easy, fun, a cheap thrill or adventurous. No one tells you the harsh realities of an affair. But I guess now I have.
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30 comments:
The reason you feel like every day is a lie is because it is. You are living a lie. You are lying to your husband and children. I have no sympathy for you. When you are found out the pain will be tremendous for your husband, the other guy's wife, and most importantly the children. Your children will never ever forget what you did and it will always impact their lives and how their marriages work. What you are doing is very selfish and self-serving. Instead of putting the energy into an affair why don't you try making your marriage work?
I was in a similar situation, your words describe it perfectly. The casual friendship building to intensity, the emotional connection. Mine went on for about 8 years. But here's what happened: his wife left him and he changed. He was less present than before, he became depressed, but also excited at the possibility of reinventing himself and starting life over. Then, my husband left me, certainly owing to the fact that I hadn't been fully committed to him and our marriage for a long time. I find myself in the precarious situation of being alone, with two young children and the man I thought I wanted a life with doesn't want me anymore. Our affair destroyed two marriages and the lives of four children. Things do not always work out as we hope that they will. If you want to leave your husband, do it for yourself, not for the hope of a relationship with this other man. I never thought things would turn out the way they did for me and if I had to do it all over again I would have ended the affair a long time ago. I know everyone's experiences are different, but I hope my words give you something to think about.
My father cheated on my mother for a number of years and it impacted everything about how I handle relationships now. It sounds very melodramatic to say "Think of the children," but really, you should. They will find out, one way or another, and it will fuck them up, one way or another. I have no tolerance for cheating and no real sympathy for those who do the cheating. I don't care about your harsh realities - the harsh reality is that you knew what you were doing and did it anyway.
Dear friend,
I feel that you have invested all your feelings in this affair and you can be hurt very badly.
He tells you that he loves you and aches for being with you....for 90% of men that is just what they say. For them, it is the chase that they ache for, not the woman.
I have never had an affair, but I have dated enough men in my life that told me they loved me, but when time came to finally make a commitment to me, they had doubts and fears of actually ending the chase!
Please, please do not think that he will leave his wife for you. Even if he leaves his wife, he won't make a commitment to you.
You are living a fantasy! Him, you, new family, new life and love: all fantasy.
Do you watch "Once and Again" on W network?
my brother had an affair on his wife of 7 years - no kids thank goodness and the "other" woman wasn't married but we later found out had broken up a couple marriages before with affairs... my brother just liked the chase and now that he is divorced he is messed up - doesn't know who he loves if either of them and goes back and forth on whether or not he made the right decision to divorce. TOO LATE.. my ex-sister in law will never trust him again and I'm sure anybody he dates that finds out he cheated will NOT stay with him! I don't blame them...
I feel bad for your kids - they deserve a better example!!
So, everybody: I'm not going to delete the more judgmental of the above comments. But I want everyone to know that I think that we're pushing the borderline of being too harshly judgmental. Comments like "I feel sorry for your kids" are very near to crossing the line.
Remember - you can be critical. But be constructively critical. If you're going to respond to the poster, respond as you would to a friend. Gently, please.
I'm on your side girl. I bet it felt at least a little good to get it off your chest.
But for the love of God, don't blog about your affair. I was stupid enough to do that and someone called the wife and told her. Someone who lives in another state that never met any of us, called her a week before Christmas and ruined their holiday and their lives.
The wife is still stalking me via the internet and she will not stop, it has been almost two years since this all went down. And I was engaged to him 24 years ago, so he wasn't just a casual aquintance, he was someone I truly loved and I thought he truly loved me, that is until she found out. He couldn't take not seeing his child and her taking a lot of his money. Just be careful...let me know if you need someone to talk to about this, I'll tell you my entire story....
I'm walking that shadowy line, facing that choice, myself. I know that I should back off, that I should not let myself be flattered and excited by the attention, but the temptation is very strong.
I don't want him to leave his wife, I don't want to leave my husband and my children. Yet, I can't articulate what it is that is missing in my marriage (or his, I guess) that makes the "do not cross" line so blurry.
I'm trying really hard to figure out where I want to be, who I want to be. And your post may be the kick in the butt I need to realistically and honestly face what and where I am right now.
This sounds like complete anguish. I worry that you can't live like this much longer without serious anxiety-related health problems.
Sadly, any direction you take now will be painful- even if you stay the course.
Take care of your children and your self in the decisions you make. Remember that for all of your husband's unresolved emotional issues he has made a commitment to you (which is something the man might not ever be able to do), so he deserves compassion in all this.
Your kids can be okay in another school or life scenario as long as they feel they can trust you. I've worked with older kids who felt betrayed by a parent's infidelity, and the feeling that they have been lied to can be pretty devastating to them when they try to have their own romantic relationships.
If husband #2 isn't a keeper, throw him back now and face the inevitable financial consequences- because you don't sound well-suited for a marriage of convenience (and are they really that convenient anyway?). But, as the other reader cautions, don't expect your other guy to follow suite (if he does, fine- but it's most realistic to plan this as a solo venture).
Don't let frustration and exhaustion decide the fate of your marriage and the course of your life. You're probably losing sleep over this and (as any newborn parent can attest) resultantly losing a little bit of your available brain power.
Sending good thoughts your way. Good luck, fellow traveler. Peace be with you.
you're in a shitty situation - no doubt about it. you've acknowledged that you made choices to get there, and i think that's important. you made some very hurtful decisions, and all you can do now is look at the current situation. where do you go from here? what is your decision today? tomorrow?
there is a lot of pain ahead, and i think you know that. no matter what happens, people will be hurt. but if you can come out of this having learned something, and being able to grow both as an individual and in your relationships, i think that's a good thing.
i can't tell you what to do - no one can. but something *will* happen at some point to change the status quo, and you'll feel better if that something involves active choice on your part. at least you won't be a victim to circumstances - you'll be playing an active role in your life and its direction.
wishing you the best in a bad situation.
You cannot move forward in your marriage if you are having an affair, and you can't end your marriage if you are ending your affair. This man is keeping you from hard work -- no matter if the work is fixing your marriage or ending it.
You need to put your affair aside, out of your mind, out of you life and do what you need to do. Fix the marriage, get in counseling, work hard to do all you can do to save it. OR file for divorce, move out and make a new life for yourself that will make you happy.
This isn't about your affair and that man, this is about your LIFE and all the affair is doing is keeping you frozen...stuck in quicksand that is getting you nowhere.
Hang in there, girl.
11:27 - I am the author of this post. I didn't want to go into detail about my marriage because I didn't want it to sound like I was making excuses for the CHOICE I made. Suffice it to say the marriage is irreparable and leaving, for me, isn't a question of "if" but "when." Somehow I didn't convey that well enough in my original post. I am still in the marriage while I plan for my future and my children's future. I hope that answers your question.
11:31 - I am sorry to hear the outcome of your story.
12:01 - You're right. I did know what I was (am) doing. I have never once tried to blame someone else for my actions. I also teach my children they can't blame other people for the choices they make.
12:08 - I suppose the lesson is that there are no guarantees in life. And no, I have never seen that show.
12:38 - I'm sorry your brother has had a difficult time with the choices he's made. I never once pretended to be perfect. Not here and certainly not with my children. Do they deserve a better example? Maybe. But we're all guilty in some manner of not being the best example to our children.
HBM - I thank you for stepping in. What has been said here was nothing I hadn't predicted.
12:46 - I am truly sorry to hear how this has played out for you. I hope that you get some peace from her soon.
dana - I understand your feelings all too well. I do hope you read my post again and see the raw emotions that result from crossing the line. And just so you know, before any of this began I did not wish for him to leave his wife either. It is impossible to predict how you will feel once you've gone past the point of no return.
1:28 - Thank you so much for your thoughts. It is reassuring to have a response that, while not condoning what I've done, is helpful and spoken with compassion. I will consider what you've said.
1:40 - Thank you as well for your kind words. You're right, people will be hurt, which is part of the torment I feel today. I don't make it a practice to go around hurting people and knowing that my husband, despite years of abuse, will be hurt when this ends, bothers me tremendously. But I also realize that living in the current situation isn't something I can live with forever. Regardless of what my 'friend' decides to do there will be pain, either her or me. That is reality. And I am prepared for that.
What I enjoy is how people who have never been in this situation pass judgement. Way to go folks. I was cheated on by my ex. It was the worst pain and betrayal ever. And yet, I have found myself as "the other woman." You just never know. We get one life, it's strewn with ups and downs, good and bad, and lost of mistakes and learning experiences. If you have not crossed this bridge in your life, consider yourself lucky, read the words here and learn from them. You may find yourself faced with choices like it in the future. You never, ever know.
I have been on both sides of an affair. For myself, the pain I experienced (both ways) has convinced me never to have an affair again and to never stay when my significant other has been involved in an affair.
I hope that you are able to make the decisions that will lead you to happiness in your life.
Good luck and best wishes,
Someone Who Has Been There, Too
From the OP:
stutzwoman - You make an excellent point. I think you may be right.
7:36 - Thank you. It is easy to sit in self-righteous indignation and point fingers when one has never experienced this situation. Some may have been stronger than you and I, and others could possibly have never found themselves in this situation. We do get only one life and with that in mind it is truly difficult to walk away from the most intense connection I've ever known. Certainly I wouldn't have chosen to find love this way, but it is love nonetheless.
12:12 - I am glad you have learned from your past experience. It's all we can do in life anyway. I certainly will take away many lessons from all of this. And I hope that my post serves as a warning to those considering something like this. A warning to what it feels like when the reality sets in. Thank you for your kind words.
After reading the above 15 comments, and your post, it appears to me that you are defending your behavior. With a defensive heart, I feel that anything we say will be taken wrong.
My heart aches for all the innocent in your situation.
Anon @ 7:22 - you can whatever you want to say here, just so long as it isn't disrespectful. You can be critical, you can be sad, you can angry - just don't call names and don't call damnation and don't say anything that you wouldn't say to a loved one.
This is Anon at 7:22 and I plan to write no more comments on this post after this one.
I thought long and hard about my previous response. I did not say the poster was a bad mother, or that she was a bad person, simply that she appears to be defensive.
I do ache for her kids and hope that all turns out OK. After rereading my previous reply, I can say with confidence that I absolutely would say the above statement to a friend.
I appreciate that you are keeping this place a 'safe' place to post and will continue to respect The Basement. I appreciate what you offer and hope that this poster hears what she needs to hear in order to make the appropriate changes in her life.
Well, I think everyone is trying to tell the author that she needs to consider the children here.
I agree. Everything you do in your relationship impacts the children deeply.
As much as divorce impacts the kids, the affair will do more damage.
I appreciate that you are in a difficult position. The depression of losing your husband as your "true love" and partner has sent you looking elsewhere. It's tough.
I also acknowledge the fact that if we are blaming peopple here, you are not the only guilty person. The guy has also made a choice to participate in this affair and he must have his personal reasons.
Marriage, divorce and affair are realities of life. But at the end of the day, just be cautious and think of the future.
My mom sometimes complains of the fact that we (the kids) easily blame her for all of failures! It's true! When you are 50 or 60, it really hurts when the kids try to point out all the mistakes that you made while raising them.
As much as you have every right to be happy (and you have found that happiness in this affair) you need to be careful, because it will blow up in your face, eventually.
You are in a tough situation. Try to be wise. (I say that to myself often!)
I think that you are very very very brave for admitting how you really feel. I admire you greatly. I was recently involved in a tricky situation that has since resolved itself but I can very much understand where you are coming from. My "relationship" only lasted 2 months and it tore me up inside and I was thinking about him instead of my husband ALL THE TIME, I wasn't present in my own life anymore. It was drama.
My only word of warning? Proceed with extreme caution. I found out, quite by accident, that the object of my affections was a complete and total lying sack of shit. Nothing he told me was the truth. But, I was so taken aback by the attention and the praise that I failed to see the warning signs and the little red flags. I didn't WANT to see them. Thank God everything ended before I did any permanent damage to my life.
I understand our situations are nothing alike, I do love my husband and my life, but like you I didn't start out to have an emotional affair, but I did. And when I realize what I could have lost and the awful prize I would have ended up with it takes my breath away.
I am probably not making any sense...I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you and that i wish you all the best in your life! And that you are very brave for writing this post. I thought of doing one myself and was so afraid of the ugly comments that I didn't do it.
I know how you feel. I never pictured myself in this situation either. Good luck.
As the wife and mother of two in a situation where my husband cheated with the same person for over 7 years--when they were caught by my child, he did not want her. It was just the thrill for him. She caused extreme angst and pain to my kids--(she was our babysitter and a member of my family--I thought of her like a sister). I could care less about her and his feelings--but the kids needed more from the adults in their lives.
The only thing you should be thinking of making the situation better for the kids--my ex and the babysitter were together after we split up--but he lost our kids' respect and they refused to see him and her. I did not keep them apart--had to force visitation. The kids will bear the brunt of your behavior.
I had an affair, but my situation was different in that I was able to see this person every day and I didn't have kids. My husband treated me very badly and i chose to allow myself to get affection and what i thought was love from someone else.
Unfortunately, I would have to agree that most men that in affairs (including my situation) are in it for the thrill.
In the end, the man I was cheating with wanted me to get a divorce and to move in with him so he could get custody of his son (since his wife abandoned their son at his parents house after she suspected something, but didn't have any proof... then showed up 2 weeks later to get their son back). He told me his best chance of getting his son was if he was in a stable marriage with me.
The whole time I paid for everyhting we did when we were cheating because he said he had no money and was saving money for divorce and putting aside money to take care of his child. It turns out that months later I found out that he bought himself a 3000$ stereo... which tells me that i was nothing more than a "sure thing" to him, and he had hopes that i would drop everyhting to care for his son...
despite him telling me he loved me and couldn't live without me, he had been lying to me all along. I cringe when i think about what would have happened to me had I not found out that he was pretty much just using me, and wanted to use me to get custody of his kid.
Thank goodness i found out about his lies... I hope that you can work things out and do what is best for you and your children.
In my honest and humble opinion, I think it's best you keep the affair to yourself, even if you do get a divorce. Do not tell anyone, because it will be used against you by your husband and family. which is my case... believe it or not my husband and I ares till together even though he knows, but the first 3 or 4 years after were so hard because he would use my affair against me to hurt me... We are well past that now and have been married almost 20 years.
But also, your kids should never know, it will hurt them no matter what age they are.
Hugs to you, I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you wrote about it though, I know that confessing a secret can help sometimes... even if it's anonymously.
God I hate to quote Dr. Phil here but "the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour". He had an affair with you, he will have an affair with someone else. You're probably not that special.
Grow up, stop being selfish, end the affair. You have to work your way OUT of a marriage. That means due diligence - get counciling, end all contact with the other man. If your marriage does end, you need to be able to say that you & your husband did EVERYTHING you could to make it work.
Wow. Thanks for sharing and opening yourself up to all this craziness, although i think you probably wanted to hear some honest opinions. We all do things we are not proud of, and you are sharing that here. That takes courage.
I hear the pain and unhappiness in your post. I understand that you are finding some happiness in this affair, but that happiness turns around and brings more pain. This would be my advice to you, do with it what you will. End the affair. If you feel you also need to end the marriage, end the marriage. Once (if)the marriage is over, look for a relationship that will sustain you. But don't plan to find one. You may not. What you need to do is, as you said before, plan to take care of yourself and your children. I don't think you can think rationally or fairly about your marriage, your children, or your future while your emotions are tied up in this affair. You need to end it so you can sort it out. if He ends his marriage, too, then you can restart your relationship on HONEST GROUND. If he doesn't, please don't go back to him. It will just bring you more guilt and pain, and be terrible for his marriage.
Good luck, and I wish you peace with whatever happens.
My heart just hurts for you. I was in a very fragile emotional state, after experiencing a life altering tragedy and my husband and I were having a hard time dealing with our feelings. We drifted emotionally and physically, and in that time, a friend of mine stepped in and filled that gap. It became physical and it was very intense.
However, I realized that my affair was just filling a gap, it wasn't real love (although it could have grown into that) and my children would suffer the most.
It was the hardest thing to walk away from him. I still miss him. But I had to make a choice...face my own issues or continue to self destruct. I chose the former.
Now my husband and I are once again very happy. My children know nothing of my affair, and my husband while suspecting has never pushed too hard for the truth.
My situation is obviously very different than your is. But I wish you all the best.
Life is nothing but a shade of grey. There are no absolutes when it comes to love.
But please remember to love yourself when you are making your decisions and your choices.
Best wishes to you.
I too am having an affair. I always swore I never would, but here I am!! I have no expectations of him leaving his wife and myself leaving my husband. Honestly, my husband is wonderful and I don't know why I am doing what I am doing. I guess the newness is what I like and the attention.
So, that being said, I wish you well. Everything happens for a reason I believe, and everything happens the way it is supposed to happen. Not that those thoughts make it any easier. Good luck!!
Ah - emotional affairs. I have read your post and, other than the advance into the physical, I have been right along with you. I know the emotional would have become physical if the "other man" hadn't moved many hundreds of miles away.
Part of me thanks *insert personal religous figure here* that it ended that way. I still receive emails from "other man" (OM). Even after having a baby with my husband, OM continues to tell me how much he would care for my child as he would his own. He has since divorced and, when days aren't going well in this household, the thought pushes through to the front of my mind that maybe OM would be the better choice.
That being said, time and distance apart has made me realize, although the emotional connection is still there, I really don't want him in my life like he wants me to be. Even if I divorced my husband, he wouldn't be the one I would go to in the end. It's a sad but true realization for me.
My only hope is that you take good care of yourself and remember what you need to do to ultimately be satisfied in your life.
PS I'm the sex with OM would have been amazing too *sigh*
From the OP -
I have continued to read the comments left for me but quit commenting after the above that said I sounded defensive. It is impossible to defend or explain without sounding that way I suppose...
Since my post I have told my husband I want to separate. He has taken the news well and in fact seems happier about the separation than I do. For me it is the right decision but not one I celebrate. His reaction tells me so much more about his own committment to our marriage and that moving on was best.
Regarding the other man things are the same. Will he actually leave her? Time will tell. But my decision to leave was MINE alone and not done with the hopes it will guilt him to do anything. I want him as much as ever but I do not want him here out of guilt or obligation. I want him to come to me because it is what he wants for his life too. We continue to talk and will soon agree on an amount of time it will take for him to get here. I've already told him that should he not come to me by that time then it will be time for me to walk away. I will leave his life as quietly as I entered it. I'll have no regrets about my relationship with him. I have learned so much about myself and what I want in life and there's no reason to be bitter. My decision to leave my marriage was for me and my children. Not for him.
And so my story is not yet finished...
The other side,
I was married at 20 and had two children by the age of 24. Our marriage wasn't good do to lots of verbal, and physical abuse. By age 29 i met a man who was also married and we became quick friends. We first had an emotional connection then things went further. I was what you could call the last person you would ever suspect of having an affair. A year and a half after the affair started i left my husband. I had no job and two kids in tow. with the help of family we did ok. A year and a half after that, the man i was involved with left his wife. We are still together today after 8 years. and we have a beautiful daughter together. Our previous spouses never knew about the affair. the kids don't know either. We have a loving marriage today. I don't regret a thing. This is the best decision i have ever made. I wish circumstances could have been different but they were not. We are today very committed to each other and very much in love.
I know these relationships don't usually work out, but they have for us. MY boys love him, more than their own father who was very distant and still is.
I never thought i'd be the one to have an affair, but never say never....My husband now is only my second sexual partner, my first husband being number one. I'm not what you would call easy. I'm a responsible women with a good head on my shoulders...but like everything in life "things happen"
Don't judge me,and don't think you know me...i could be you.
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