Monday, September 17, 2007

Better Time

Posted by Anonymous.

I’m a mess. I don’t want to be a mess. I want to be strong and healthy.

Vibrant and worth knowing. I don’t want to cry at the drop of a hat or the shadow of a drop of a hat. I don’t want to be a drain on everyone I know.

I took beans off of my husband’s plate the first night I met him. I didn’t ask, I just took them. Where is that confidence? I hardly knew anything back then, just having my brain reset and all, but what I did know, I really, really knew. And now? None of that matters. And I don’t know anything. Maybe less.

I’m tired of being tired and sick of being sick. I’m willing something new to come along and make me forget how deep I hurt. And I fear there is nothing coming, ever, that can change the way I feel.

And long after everyone else is tired of hearing it and wishes I would just shut up already, I’ll be feeling it and thinking it and wishing I were dead but too afraid to do it because of how that would make my kids feel. (Is there a way to make it look like an accident?) It scares me
how much I mean those words. But I don’t think I’m allowed to say them out loud. So they stay in here, in my head, bouncing around and echoing off the walls.

And instead I’ll just drink a little too much and cry a little too often and plan on the inevitability of feeling sad the rest of my life.

It sounds so dramatic when I read over those last paragraphs. Like an emo teen, full of righteous indignation against the Man, even though she doesn’t know who the Man is.

You know when you start thinking of a million reasons why the people left in your life would be better off without you, it’s probably not a good time to make any major decisions. Like, death. But, when is a better time? I mean, I wouldn’t seek it out, but I wouldn’t say no, either. Know what I mean?


Kendra said...

Find a counselor, a pastor, even a 1-800 number to help you get help. I'm sure even those friends who you think are tired of hearing about your pain and sickness would want to hear this thought, so that they can help you and your children. You are not alone. My prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

HUGS to you. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I have those same thoughts...I do and I'm scared too.
I don't want to be a mess either, I want to be the fun girl I use to be.
Please hang in there...for me...for you...for your family!
Please see a therapist, tell your family, I did, it helped me tremendously!!

Anonymous said...

I do know what you mean.

Fran Loosen said...

I feel for you because I spent many nights rocking my son and thinking that Sylvia Plath had it right all along. I got meds, which helped tremendously. Then I went off, fell off the cliff and into a spiral I almost couldn't pull myself out of. Meds again. It works for me and although I may need to be on them for the rest of my life, I know that life on the other side is just too damn sad to live. Do *whatever* you have to do to surface out of this drowning. Please don't go it alone. Admitting that something is not right is the first real step. My husband is a psychologist and never really knew. We are good at hiding things, too good.

I have my hand on my heart for you.

flutter said...

I know completely what you mean.

MamaKaren said...

I have been where you are. Please get some help. You don't have to feel this way, you deserve better. I see myself in your post, and I look back to where I was before I started seeing a counselor and I think of how far I've come. Please, please, take care of yourself.

Dragon said...

I don't have anything helpful to say, except I know how you feel and it's so incredibly unfair to have to feel that way. My thoughts are with you.

ewe are here said...

Please please please ask someone for help. A suicide hotline will have referrals to counselors and doctors. Your family doctor will have referrals to counselors. Your local church will have referrals.

It really sounds like you're depressed, and this is the depression talking. Things can get better with some help, and possibly a prescription. They really can. Please reach out to someone and tell them what's going on with you, if not for yourself initially, than for your kids.

Anonymous said...

I am so, so, so sorry that you feel this way. I echo everyone else when I say that you should seek some help.

And I want you to know, that I personally, although you will likely never know me, am here for you through and through. If you need me, pop over to my blog and let me know and I will email you/call you/whatever you need, friend.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean, too.

Hang in there.

Your family does need you.

Dating Trooper said...

Sounds like I am not the only one who knows what you mean and how you are feeling. Ewe Are Here has it right - this is probably *depression* talking. Not you - not that girl who took the beans off her date's plate (nice move, by the way).

Don't beat yourself up. It's a chemical thing and needs to be treated just like any other illness. You don't get mad at yourself when you have the flu right? You just lean on people for help and take the time you need to heal. So do that and please don't suffer alone. I know, it's much easier to say this (typed anonymously no less) than to actually do it, but know I've been there and I'm saying this from the 'other side' - so there is an end to this suffering I promise. Hang in there.