Monday, November 19, 2007

Five Minutes To Never

Posted by Anonymous.

The wineglass is at my side. I've had some already. Here is my deepest
darkest secret, the one that will make you hate me.

I am 48 years old and I have never had a boyfriend.

Not one. Not even close. Not like guys were asking and I said no.

No matter how bad your situations are, I hear you thanking God you're not me.

I've never been loved, never been in a relationship. In fact I can
think of precious few occasions that could even have been called
dates. I've had sex with six or seven people in the past 28 years,
depending on how you define sex. Most of these were one or two times.

The older I get, the more I keep thinking about never having had a
boyfriend, but then I look in the mirror and see the cellulite and
sagging and wrinkles, well, it is clear that if the window of
opportunity for getting a boyfriend hasn't closed, it will very soon.
I couldn't get one even when I was young and hot, and here I am now
five minutes to never. Which is why I can't stop thinking about it
now, but I have no idea what to do about it or if it is even possible
to do anything.

Why? is the question I have been asking myself my entire adult life.

You don't know me, so let me say I am not a total loser (total losers
have boyfriends) though my face is ugly. I am not fat and am tall,
blond, blue-eyed, and very fit. I do not smell and I don't have three
hands. In some ways I am like many other adults. I have supported
myself since age seventeen, graduated from college, bought a house,
invested, raised a child (from a one night stand) by myself, have
written books, do public speaking, dress well, drive a car, travel,
enjoy lots of sports and when you meet me you don't say "What the hell
is wrong with her?"

It's as if I am a radio that works perfectly well but can't tune in
one frequency that all other radios get. That frequency is sexual
relationships. Since about age 20, I have thought of myself as
asexual. That doesn't mean I don't want sex or physically can't have
it---I've had painfully passionate sexual attractions to men all this
time and still do
It means that I lack completely sexual attractiveness and competence.
This is so even though in my day I had an absolute killer body (and
have the photos to prove it) and the remnants of it are still visible.
It takes much more than a perfect body to have relationships---in
fact, I'm not sure the body is that important. Why have I never had a

Here are my theories:

1) My face is quite unusual, if not ugly. It is decidedly
asymmetrical. The two sides don't match at all. My nose is large and
decidedly crooked but more, my entire face is crooked. Eyebrows aren't
level, mouth and chin are lopsided, etc. At 17 I had a failed
rhinoplasty which did give me a kind of placebo effect for a while. I
felt more attractive and become much more outgoing. I did meet a lot
of men back then. I tried my heart out to get a boyfriend at that time
of my life when I was in college and at my most attractive, and
failed. (In other words, if the problem wasn't my face, it should have
been solved then.)

There is a lot of scientific research about facial symmetry and how
humans are hardwired to look for it in sex partners and mates (without
even being aware of it). It may be that the marked facial asymmetry
simply repels people, sending the unconscious message that I am not in
the category of a possible sex or relationship partner.

I am considering plastic surgery which, this late in life, would have
to include a face lift. At best it could straighten my nose but there
is no way to make my whole face symmetrical. If I don't have the
surgery, how will I ever know if my fact is the insurmountable
obstacle to ever having a boyfriend? Wouldn't it be tragic to never
have a boyfriend if only about $6000 of surgery could get me one?

2) It is possible I have the equivalent of Aspergers (high level
autism). I never learned the social skills most other adults learn in
high school, since I pretty much spent those years hiding in the
bathroom and never talking to anyone. I find that for the most part,
people just don't like me, and in order to have any kind of human
relationships at all I have to work very hard, and still have little
to show for it. The fact that I have never ever had a job where I
worked with people, and so don't meet anyone, doesn't help. Mostly
when I try to make friends they don't last very long. The effort I put
it is not enough and the other person is not willing to make the
effort to sustain the relationship. After all, it's hard when you
don't have any opportunity to interact with people spontaneously and
must make appointments to do so. The problem may be less that I can't
get a boyfriend than that I lack the social skills and/or strength of
personality to get any friends at all. (I don't have much in the way
of personality, I admit. I have many good qualities, but they're all
under the surface and it takes a long, long time for people to see
them, and furthermore they're the kind that make people admire you,
not like you. But hell, don't other women with no personalities get

In case this is the main problem, I have contacted an Asperger's
therapist and will look into seeing if it is possible to learn basic
social skills at age 48. It's less that I believe in Asperger's or
think I "have" it than a practical strategy: where else will you find
someone to teach you social skills? If this worked, I wouldn't need
plastic surgery. But what if I need both?

3) I have asked people who know me well (both back in my 20s and
today) if they can explain why I can't get a boyfriend. The most
common answer, by far, is that I send out "vibes" which keep men (and
lesbians) away. No one has been able to give me specifics. I don't
know what I can do about possible "vibes" I am not aware of sending!
Other answers: I am cold; I am "unhuggable." I was actually shocked
when I was told this. Is it possible to be so unaware of something
about yourself that is obvious to the rest of the world? And if
you're so unaware, how can you change it? And even if you are aware,
if you don't know the reason you give that impression, how can you
change it?

4) There may be no reason at all. I never had a boyfriend because it
just didn't happen. Is that possible?

I am so confused. Maybe I have been misled by Hollywood screenwriters
and there are plenty of other perfectly normal 48-year-old women who
have never had a boyfriend and never will. I have been made to feel
like a freak, like I am the only person in the world in this
situation; but is this true? How can I find out? If there are others
like me, how would I find them? Is there somewhere I can look this up?

Is it not having a relationship that is so troubling, or feeling like
a freak? But how can I know when I have never had a relationship and
don't even know what it's like?

Do I really want a boyfriend because I want one, or because I have
been made to feel that a relationship is the central, defining,
critically important experience for any human being to have, and that
without one you are not fully human? Come on, you cannot breathe in
this culture, cannot turn on your TV or go to the movies or read
anything without feeling the constant pressure to be sexual. And from
Disney movies onward, the message is drummed home: Love is the most
important thing in life.

I would hate to go to my grave without ever experiencing the most
important part of life. If it is indeed the most important, I should
do everything in my power to get it before it's too late, no matter
what the cost. At least that's what Sleepless in Seattle and every
Hollywood movie ever made tells me. How can I separate out what I
really want and what the culture relentlessly pressures me to want?
How can I want something I've never had?

At the very least, I am so-o-o-o-o-o-o curious about what it is like
to be in a relationship.
And I want to have sex again before I die. I can't tell you how much I
want that. I think about sex constantly. I've gone as long as 13 years
without it. It sure doesn't seem bloody likely it will happen again at
my age with my cellulite (formerly great) ass.

What should I do? Is it possible to learn how to get a boyfriend at
48, or should I just give up and accept that I am not a sexual person?
(There would be some relief, and integrity, in that.) How can I know
why I never had a boyfriend? Am I just plain too old to be even
thinking about men anyway? How can I stop? The only way I can think of
that I could ever be at peace would be if someone came up to me and
said I was not alone, that X% of women never have even one boyfriend
in their entire lives and that it is OK and normal. Even if it was
only, say, 10% of all women, I would not feel like the onliest,
loneliest one. But there is no such person who can tell me that!


flutter said...

contrary to Hollywood, there are plenty of people who have been where you are. I seriously doubt that your face is so ugly that you cannot attract anyone.

But what concerns me is the way you talk about yourself, like you are unworthy of the relationship that you seek. It is true what is said that without that level of loving yourself, you won't find the love you seek.

It's obvious you are intelligent and I would venture a bet to say you are kind to other people and I honestly think that perhaps this life is one about learning to have a love affair of your own, with you.

Kate said...

My mother is 48. She has been single for the past however-many years... officially, the divorce was finalized 2 year ago, but it was a long time coming and I'd consider her to have been single since 2000, at least.

I'm 30, so she's gone through the married-with-children thing. So she's not in the same boat as you, in the "never been there" sense. But she's at least floating down the same river, because since 2000, she hasn't had any semblance of a relationship. One or two close friends, but not even many friendships. She's been focused on her work, and my youngest sister (who is still at home, and as a disability), and... I'm not really sure what else. But I've gotten no sense that she is in a relationship, or actively seeking one, or likely to be in one anytime soon. The closest she gets is the occasional glass of wine with the gay man who lives across the street.

I'm telling you this because I believe that life has cycles and circles to it. I don't believe that we're all, always, supposed to be involved in romantic relationships. Maybe not ever. I can think of two female acquaintances, and three male, who are over 35 and have never had a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks, a few dates, even a few hours. Some have despaired; others are still waiting; others have redefined themselves and seen to be at peace.

Our society pushes us to define ourselves as being part of a group, a family of some sort. But to me, the important thing is self-understanding and self-reliance. Other people come and go, but you're with you until the day you die.

I hope that you're able to find peace, alone or with someone else, in whatever form it comes to you.

Gina said...

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. It sucks to feel so alone. I am glad you at least were able to create a child and experience that kind of love.

I hope you find what you are looking for and can feel fulfilled. We all crave that. It seems no matter what situation we are in, we are wanting something different or better. Relationships hurt and we suffer for them, but in a lot of cases they do carry a lot of rewards and joy too.

Have any online dating services been explored? There seems to be some great outcomes from those calculated matches. You just never know who's out there waiting to meet you.

Bea said...

I put most stock in the "vibes" explanation. My ex-sister-in-law was like that (maybe still is, but we're not in contact anymore): pretty, good body, fun to be around - but she gave off an aggressively asexual vibe, partly through clothing choices but mostly through body language. If you have Asperger's, it is quite probable that you have difficulty reading non-verbal cues (it's a defining characteristic), so you could certainly be giving off a "vibe" that is keeping men at a distance.

I vote for the Asperger counsellor. Like you said, diagnosis is less significant than learning useful strategies. It IS possible to learn about social skills and body language at 48 - I have a friend with Asperger's who has learned an enormous amount in the last few years (she's in her thirties).

Anonymous said...

Never give up! My great uncle met and married the love of his life when he was 65.

Join singles clubs in your area and do it with no expectations other than going to have fun.

Therapists can also give you valuable feedback on how you present yourself - which would not only give you confidence but feedback that might be helpful.

Anonymous said...

Bubandpie, I don't think there are clothing choices bad enough to qualify a woman who's been married as asexual!
Gotta ask, though, what the hell she wore...

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're the only one, not by a long shot. A lot of women end up in their forties and wonder what the hell happened to their social and sex lives. Work choices are for some women the answer as to why they're alone, but that's just one reason. There are so many others. I know that I went through quite a long dry spell myself when I was just not interested in meeting anyone new. And because of that lack of interest, I gave off a vibe of 'hands off' that got so telling that when one guy made a really obvious pass at me, a friend had to literally take me aside and TELL ME, because I totally missed it.

I like the idea of the social skills class. People do this at all ages and for all sorts of reasons. Aspergers is just one of them, and you may or may not have it. But if you have trouble reading social cues (as I do), it's a great idea to brush up on those skills before you put yourself out there.

Then join some online dating groups and start going out. Look at dates as practice. You're going to fail at some of them, and you might hit the jackpot. But if you don't put yourself out there, you're not going to meet anyone.

Be positive!

Anonymous said...

I am in a similar situation now, although my background was very different. I DID have several boyfriends in my younger years, but after becoming a single mother and having my heart and soul destroyed by the person I truly, truly loved, I simply swore off relationships. That was 20 years ago. I am 42 now. I have insulated myself from feeling anything resembling passion, and except for loving my child, I have existed in an emotionless vaccuum for many years. Now it just feels like too much trouble. I often wonder if I will die alone and lonely.

Anonymous said...

Just as a point of reference, here's a link to a blog. The blogger is an autistic man who had never been in a relationship and figured he was destined for the celibate life.

Now he's suddenly, surprisingly in love, with another high-functioning autistic/Asperger's woman. So, two points there:
1) It happens even after you've given up
2) If Asperger's is an accurate way to describe your "vibes," maybe meeting other people who are similar might help. The way Joel describes it, he and his girlfriend are uniquely able to read each other's vibes because their brains are so similar (because they're both autistic).
3) If you do land somewhere on the autism spectrum, it's nice to get connected to a community of people who are proud of being autistic.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you might be lacking that 'inner confidence'. Have you considered some intensive therapy? Maybe once you begin to like yourself you'll start to exude that warm huggable feeling you so desire. Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

I wish I knew what to say. I hope that you act on your plans to find help, and I hope that you find some happiness, however it is shaped.

Anonymous said...

Dear Friend:

Here is the flip side from the other side:

I have almost always been in a relationship with very few "breaks" in between. People say I am very attractive, etc. and ASSUME that I am successful and happy because of appearances.

Let me tell you the dark side. Here are some things you can be grateful for:

You've probably never been beaten by a man who is supposed to be your lover or husband.

You've never had to go through a messy divorce and see your child's eyes when he doesn't even recognize his biological father.

You've never been ripped off and bankrupted by your partner or husband (happened FIVE times to me). I've been down to 200 dollars several times in my life due to lies, deceptions and empty promises of financial support from my husbands and lovers. And I earn a good salary - over 100K a year. Men lie about their assets and financial status. Always. I have honestly NEVER heard of a man not lying about his finances to a women, especially in the beginning of a relationship. You won't find out he is lying about money, stds, 5K per month alimony payments or insane exes who "stole all their money" until well after he has bled you dry for what he thinks he can get without you getting suspicious. Men are vicious to women, psychologically and financially. When a man bleeds you dry, he will start finding all sorts of terrible qualities about you that he "never noticed before". Naturally, it's because he feel guilty for ripping you off. Next he will force YOU to break it off with him so that he won't have to pay you back. I onces was abandoned in of all places, China, by my ex-husband, who decided that he'd never work another day again after we were married. Course he forgot to tell me when we were married that he was about to lose his job and never intended to work again.

You've never seen your child's eyes when your husband is arrested for child abandonment for not making child support payments to his ex. And you've never had to DEAL with his ex - you know, the one who gets all his money. Meanwhile, it's you who will be making the big alimony/child support payments to her with your hard earned dollars.

Friend, you've never been sexually harassed at work, if chance favors you as you say it has. Men will think up any excuse to themselves to attack a beautiful woman, especially since attractive women are seen as more promiscuous, even if we are not. I'm sure that you have never been raped by your boss. I am telling you the G-ds own truth when I say that it has happened to me on six different occasions in my life, even when I took the proper precautions. Men will make their errors YOUR fault. You cannot WIN with a man. Once you are used up/experienced, it's all over.

You've never been seen as a trophy wife, a means of support, currency of a sort in a man's world. You've never been a broke single mom, a desperate single mother who wants to stay home with their child so she trusts what seems like a good man (you told him all the terrible stories about how you were previously taken advantage of), remarries and finds that your admission of vulnerability only gave him a non-stop ticket to abuse you and hurt you further.

You probably have a home that you paid for, a decent, steady job, long-term friends, your financial stability and sanity.

The way that things look on the outside has no bearing on what it is really like to "be attractive" or "have men desire you". It, like so many other things in life, is a deceptive trap.

My advice to you is to have another glass of wine, go to sleep in your safe, warm bed - since you know where you will be sleeping tomorrow, next week, next year. Watch what you want on TV (no man to keep you from that), buy a vibrator, sleep with whomever you like but never, ever get into a "relationship". It is slow (or in my case) a quick death. Being free is beautiful. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Don't question yourself. Enjoy life. Build for a relaxing and stimulating retirement. And stay far, far away from men who want to "help you", "love you" or "take care of you". IT IS A LIE. Even if they feel that way now, they will not feel that way later in the relationship. Men are wired genetically and hormonally to look for the new woman. Don't be stupid. You can lose SO MUCH. You obviously are smart, sane and can support yourself. Don't wish for something that can never make you happy.

With much love, Caroline

Anonymous said...

There are many stories, this, just one of many.

I walk into the home, then the kitchen, and very abruptly, then awkwardly, a phone conversation is ended. Later on in the evening, another call is taken, again, awkwardly, and privately, this time, however, observed to be answered quite eagerly.

And all day, among trips to the doctor for pregnancy screening, to the pharmacist for medicine, my husband is lost in thoughts, distracted until snapped back by a voice into present time, and I suffer the slings and arrows of occasional acknowledgement.

When questioned about the need for privacy, the necessity to make a phone call when alone, the answer removes oneself from any individual culpability while reinforcing the urge to protect, “I knew you would be jealous.”

This is offered as diversion when jealousy for her, for anyone else, really, has never been expressed, if recalled correctly.

And of course, in defense there are unnecessary invitations extended to check phone calls made, e-mails received and sent.

All unnecessary because this is what slays: There need not be traces, real, imagined or erased, to know that hearts and minds move to other timbres heard deep within, words played over and over in past remembrances.

There has been, for the few years I’ve known him, something inherently sad, pained almost, a look that fixates on some unknown, invisible object on the floor in front, in the near distance, unmoving and vacant that has strangers on the street, comment: “You look so sad.”

The same look observed all day yesterday, both before and after the phone conversations, of a man tortured by thoughts, lost, I believe, in memory of a young woman, herself, no stranger to life’s tragedies. The force of this painful realization is almost physical.

A friend mentioned her previous husband’s visits to her: “They always undo me, days before, days after.”

And this is what threatens to undo me, for now, for much longer, the realization that my husband loves elsewhere someone, unlike me marked by flaws and foibles, a woman frozen forever young and beautiful, someone whom circumstances and practicalities render unattainable.

Within one story, there are many truths, on the other side, many complex realities.

I wish I could offer you some anodyne, but I think this is not the way life goes.

the new girl said...

I'm with Bub and Pie. (Her ex-SIL could be the single sister of her ex-husband, BTW.)

It is very, very possible to learn the skills that you need to, in order to be aware and in control of the 'vibes' that you're sending out.

I am certain that it is very painful and these feelings can accumulate and cause you to look upon yourself in such a negative way.

I wish you the best of luck and would encourage you to focus on your strengths and positive qualities as well.

Anonymous said...

I am the original poster. I appreciate the comments. I need to say this: Those of you who say I am alone because I somehow don’t love myself…that just makes me laugh, because someone who has always been alone of necessity has to, and does, love herself more, not less. Who of you could even get out of bed in the morning if you had never ever been loved? Think of how much of your self esteem and self confidence depends on that. (Not all of it, but a lot.) Imagine if all you had was yourself. Do you really think you could survive if you didn’t love yourself?

As for the “grass is greener” post, unfortunately I have had many of the experiences you describe, that is, the crappy part of relationships, even though I’ve never had a relationship. I have been a desperate broke single mother ever since my son was born (I guess I still am, although he’s grown up by now.) I was so desperate that at one point I married a closeted gay man to get health insurance for myself and my son. That man hit me and from that point it got ugly, and the ensuing divorce was as nasty as anyone else’s. The worst part was that he had gotten my son to love him and then walked out without as much as a goodbye.

I battled my son’s biological father in court for twelve years to get child support (at one point there were also lawsuits back and forth with the father’s wife and best friend, who were involved in hiding his assets.) I didn’t see my son’s face when his father was arrested only because, despite owing over a hundred thousand dollars, the judge declined to ever arrest him. And no, my son would not ever recognize his biological father if he saw him. He’s never seen him.

The child support case was so prolonged and vicious it is written up in some legal journal somewhere. Did I mention the fun of having to be my own lawyer because I couldn’t afford one?

I also had the custody battle of all custody battles in which I nearly lost my child.

It’s true I’ve never been sexually harrassed at work, but that wouldn’t have been possible since I’ve never worked with other people.

So yeah, I’ve had all that fun, without any of the rest of it: no relationship, no love, no having someone sleep with me and be there in the morning. (In the extremely rare event that I get anyone to sleep with me, not only are they gone, but I never hear from them again.)

No one to go out with, all the birthdays and holidays and vacations spent alone. If I want to go have a meal in a nice restaurant, or to a jazz club, I make a reservation for one, get dressed to the nines, and then spend so much pretending not to feel awkward and embarrassed (and pretending that everyone else doesn’t feel the same) that I can’t even enjoy it. I have learned to smile while saying “Table for one” but all the self confidence and self love in the world can’t make it enjoyable. And yet I do it, because what else can I do?

It’s heartening to think that some of you think other asexual women my age exist. If you know even one, maybe you can put them in touch in me somehow. Because even one other person means I’m no longer the only one. If there are any others, they probably feel the same way, desperate to meet even one other person like themselves.


Anonymous said...

You seem to focus so much on who you "used to be" or your "formerly great" body. Find something that makes you happy and be proud of you you are now. The rest will follow. Join groups with other adults, seek out social situations. If you hide where noone will find you, how will someone be able to see how great you are?

Anonymous said...

if you can afford it, i think you should get the plastic surgery, with the understanding that it may not be the complete answer.

i think if you're up for it, get life coaching too. there are motivational people out there. they could also coach you on how to adopt new habits and mannerisms that put out better vibes.

the therapist sounds like a great idea too.

it seems to me that you have a lot of hope so why not try as many options as you can! join groups on craigslist or meetup. volunteer somewhere or for a political campaign or something. join women's groups too -- not just co-ed groups.

@Leslie said...

I don't have any advice, just support. You sound lonely, and that makes me sad on your behalf.

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dkaz said...

I am sorry that you have had such bad hands dealt to you. It does suck to be lonely.
I am in a similar, but not the same situation. I am 47 years old and have had only one serious romantic relationship in my life. I met my husband when I was almost 20 years old and he was my first real boyfriend. I always felt like a loser because no one really wanted to date me in high school, and I was actually pretty, but not very confident. I went out with a few guys and had 2 or 3 very short-lived romances. No one ever asked me to the Prom - I had to ask a friend's brother. For some reason, I just wasn't the type of girl that guys asked out. I am tallish (5'9") but I think I'm attractive and I have always been very outgoing and have had a lot of friends, but not many dates.
My 20 year marriage was unhappy for the most part and I have been separated for the last 3 years. I saw a psychologist for a few months when I was preparing to leave my husband, and he told me that I should get ready to be asked out a lot once men realized that I was available again. But it hasn't happened yet, and frankly until recently I wasn't ready. As for being asexual, I was unhappy sexually while married and haven't had a huge desire to jump into bed with anyone else since then. I guess I am used to living with little or no sex, since that was the way we lived for a long time. I have two wonderful children but they are growing up and soon I will be on my own. I know I am much, much better off not being married to my ex, but I am a little afraid of being alone completely. I have a few really good single women friends and we do a lot of socializing together and with married couples, and so far it’s been satisfying.
I would suggest that you get to know new people through groups that share your interests, like Church or volunteer groups, or different activities that you enjoy. Then you can have the benefits of going to shows or restaurants or even trips with friends, and you don't have to go alone. Eventually, you might meet someone naturally, or you could go for one of those on-line dating sites.
As for your appearance, if you are healthy and take good care of your self, you shouldn't really worry. As we get older, even the best-looking babes start to look worse for wear. I know it sounds trite, but it is what is inside that counts. If you are worried that you may have Asperger's tendencies, see a counselor or psychologist to get some strategies for overcoming those anti-social habits. Believe me, we all get stuck in our habits and change is really, really hard, but I guess we'll have to change if we want new things to come into our lives. Good luck! I hope that 2008 is a great year for both of us!

dkaz said...

Also, as far as 'thinking about sex all of the time', a vibrator does come in handy sometimes. Its not a replacement for great sex, but since I never had great sex with my only partner, it works for me until something better comes along.

Anonymous said...

I'm the original poster, one more time. What does it mean, to not be the kind of girl that guys ask out? That is the $64,000 question and I wish I could find others like me and you and answer it. Is there some reason, or is there no reason?

I've been reading a wonderful book about a woman's search for the perfect grand piano. It's called Grand Obsession. Anyway, she gets into the physics of why she responds to one particular piano and not others, and she goes to see scientists and physicists who she thinks might explain this.

She posits that there is something about the vibratory reality of her piano that called to her, and then that the same thing might be true of humans.

"If all matter is vibrating fields of electromagnetic energy, vibrating at innumerable frequencies, that includes us humans...if our bodies can respond harmonically to a piano's fundamental frequency, how are we affected, on a vibrational level, by other human beings? Can two individuals literally resonate to each other? Does this explain why we feel immediately at ease with some new acquaintances and uncomfortable with others?...I put these questions to a friend who is a neuropsychologist, and he tells me new research has proven that this indeed does happen."

All this is to say, could it be that the "vibes" explanation is the literal truth? Am I really sending out physical energy that keeps men away, and can that be the full and complete explanation?

Geez, what if? Then there really is nothing I can do, because it is not under my control. Plastic surgery, Aspergers counselors, everything would be just a waste of time and money.

How the hell can I ever know?

Anonymous said...

Maybe you could just stop your constant self-pitying whining for a minute and start to concentrate on other things. GAH! How can you live with that horrible attitude? Grow up!!!!

Anonymous said...

You are way out of line, sister. You don't know her life, what she's concentrating on. Nor do you know where you would be if you were unlucky enough to be in her shoes. You might be a puddle of jelly. Seems to me she's got her shit together for someone with so much going against her.

dkaz said...

Hi Original Poster -
I wish I knew why certain girls got asked out and why I didn't when I was in high school. I know what you mean about the 'vibes' but I do think that there is something we can do about it.
I think when I was younger, I was so uptight about the dating thing and really seriously lacked self-confidence when it came to even talking with and being around boys. Maybe when I gave off that ‘vibe’, it came across as stand-offish and consequently, boys didn’t even didn't try.
I never even had good male friends; I had always treated every guy like a perspective date. By the time I started working after college, I was engaged to my husband and felt that I could have a friendship with a guy without it being construed as me trying to date him. Since then I have worked primarily with men in male-dominated work places and I have a lot of male friends.
Do you have any male friends? If so, would you feel comfortable discussing this with them? Maybe they have some simple insights into your situation that might be helpful. The other option is that you ask a guy out yourself. Have you ever done that? I know it wasn't done as commonly when we were in high school, but it may be the way to go. And I think that once I am really ready to try the dating thing again, hopefully in a few months, I might try one of those internet 'matching' sites too, just to see what it is like. I mean, you already know that everyone on those sites is looking to date, so that is a good starting point.
I am a lot more self-confident than I was as a teenager, and I am sure that you are, too. It sounds like you have survived a lot and accomplished a lot, especially raising a child on your own. Give yourself some credit! You have a lot to offer in a relationship, right?
After I had my kids, I struggled with my weight for a while. I wouldn't wear a bathing suit on the beach or at the pool, because I was self-conscious about my thunder thighs. I suffered in the heat and planned to keep myself covered up until I was an acceptable weight. Then I looked around and saw a lot of less-than-perfect bodies (even worse than me!) on the beach and those women and men were flagrantly swimming, sunning, and playing with their kids and not worrying about how they looked. And I realized that it was my problem and not theirs, so while I worked to get in better shape, I bought a bigger bathing suit and joined my kids in the ocean, and I survived.
In the grand scheme of things, would you really want a man who judged you (or anyone) harshly because of your appearance? You can find a man who will accept you for the good person that you are, not for what you look like. When I sometimes worry that I will be old and alone, I remind myself that it is 100x’s better to be alone and content than in a ‘couple’ and miserable as I was before. Hopefully, we will both be able to find romantic love in our lives and be able to be happy in a relationship. Don’t give up.

Anonymous said...

I am a young woman with Aspergers who married a 48 year old man last year.
I feel blessed. Blessed that he waited, blessed he works to understand me.
Maybe your chance is still waiting. Maybe this isn't just a trend.