Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Not The Life I Want

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Everyone,

Please stop asking me how I am. I know this is a nice thing to do, and I appreciate that you are just being polite, but my supply of "Fine, thanks. How are you?"'s is expired, and I don't want to have to tell you the truth. I don't think you are really interested in how overwhelmed I am and the vile ways my body is revolting against me. You don't want to hear about the clumps of hair that I watch go down the drain every morning and the bald spots that I'm left with, or the heavy pressure in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. You can't handle the fact that my eyes well up with tears 25 times per day for no apparent reason and even I don't understand my shocking mood swings. I can't bear to tell you how my joints ache or that I've been getting unexplainable nosebleeds. You don't even want to know the disgusting, frightening dreams I have at night, or how I wake up sweating and panting and screaming. How it takes me thirty minutes to get out bed every morning and I often find myself crawling back under my twisted sheets just moments after I've finally found the energy to leave them. How I can sleep for eight hours in a night, then take a three hour nap in the afternoon, and slumber for ten hours the next night and still wake up utterly exhausted. I don't want you to know that I fall asleep mid-sentence while reading to my daughter every single night, or that my short fuse has caused me to yell at her for no reason more than once in recent weeks. I don't have the words to explain how it feels to be failing at the one thing you are good at-mothering. I am ashamed to admit how lonesome I've become. How much I need a kindred spirit. And how sorry I am that I can hardly bring myself to be happy for the people I love and admire with out feeling sorry for myself.

If I told you the truth, you would not sympathize. You would chuckle, uncomfortably probably, and avert your eyes. But you have a good life! you would say. And you would be so right. My daughter is amazing, joyful. Perfect. My fiance loves us both boundlessly, even though she held my heart long before he came along to make our family complete.

Everyone hates their jobs! you would explain, It's the American way! And maybe you are right. But it is not my way. It is not the life I want. To send my daughter to spend her days with someone else, while I toil away at a desk, wasted, wasting....it is unbearable. To brush my lips against the cheek of the man I love in the morning and not see him again until the next because my eyes started drooping before he could even get home from work at night...it is miserable.

You're so young, you might reason, it'll get better. To that I say--too young. I am twenty three. I am too young. These are the feelings of a very old woman, wise and wrinkled, who has suffered her whole life. And--will it? When? How? At what cost?

I don't expect you to have the answers. I don't expect you to understand. I don't want to burden you with the truth. So if you see me, just smile and nod. Or give me a thumbs up, a high five. Or, if it's easier, cross to the other side of the street and bury your face in the newspaper.

Just, please, don't ask me how I am.


Sincerely,
Me

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Girl, get yourself to a doctor and find out what's causing your health problems!

Sounds like what's wrong with you can be fixed, at least some of it, unlike what's wrong with me (see post at bottom of page).

You are too young to be so miserable.

Karen said...

I have lived this life.

First, deal with the depression - doctor, talk therapy, meds - whatever it takes.

Then, find your path.

Anonymous said...

You have to figure out why you are so tired. If you don't know already. It's not normal to sleep that much and still be exhausted. I thought you were in chemo for the first paragraph. Perhaps you are? If so, try to be patient. It takes forever, but it will end and you will feel better. If not, please get a good checkup. You might be pregnant. You might have a thyroid imbalance. My mom slept most of my childhood (and was cranky and miserable) because of a wonky thyroid. But you AND your family deserve to find the problem and fix it. Even working hard, you shouldn't be that tired. If you are still hating your job when you feel better, do whatever you can to change it. Get a new one.. or find a way to live on 1 income so you can be home with your daughter. Please. I know you are tired, but you deserve more and so do they.

Kate said...

I won't ask, if you'd rather not. But there are people out there - professional and not - who would listen. Even to the hard stuff. Because it's not pleasant or fun, but nobody said it would be.

I hope you're able to find someone who can handle some of your pain, and soon. It's too much to carry by yourself.

Anonymous said...

Please go get your thyroid checked!! What you’ve written here are the classic symptoms of hypothyroidism and can be controlled with one pill a day!! It takes a long time to get the meds right, but as a person living with this disease I can tell you IT’S WORTH IT!!

Talk to your doctor, get the blood test, and feel better!! I’ve been there, I know how awful it is! ((hugs))

Susie said...

Get yourself to a doctor asap.
There are people out there to help you. Asking is the first step.

Julie Pippert said...

Not only would I understand, but I'd want to hear about it, seriously.

If you happened to ever have been by my blog when I discussed my health issues, you'd see your own post reflected there.

I had pituitary, thyroid, and adrenal gland problems. They were caused by another underlying problem.

With medication, I am getting the symptoms under control, usually. I do have to pay attention to body changes and alter things slightly at different points (usually hormonal cycles).

It was a journey to get my answers.

I hope you get yours, easily, and the help for feeling better, so you don't want to run and hide to avoid "How are you doing?"

If your daughter is young, some of this could be past-partum induced. it is for many of us.

Good luck. Good wishes.

pkzcass said...

All of us who read these stories are here to listen and to offer support. So don't feel like you're burdening us.

From what the other commenters have said, and the way you describe your symptoms, it sounds as if you clearly have something physical wrong with you. Once you deal with that, you will be able to see more clearly and discover if there is anything else going on, like depression.

In any case, please get to a doctor, and keep us posted on your progress.

Anonymous said...

I was your age when I was diagnosed with depression. A great doctor put me on the right drug for 2 years and with some therapy, I am a very very happen person now.

Trust me, you need medication, or you will commit suicide!

Jaelithe said...

If I asked you how you were, I WOULD want to hear all of that. Really.

Maybe some of your real life friends or family would, too. I hope so.

Whatever is causing all of your health troubles, I hope you get better soon.