Monday, June 23, 2008

Living In A Nightmare

Posted by Anonymous

Is this for real? Am I living in a nightmare? Let me start by saying that my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have been together for almost 8. Really and truly he is my other half. My everything along with my 14 month old daughter. Last week he tells me that he does not know if he is in love with me anymore or if he wants to be married to me anymore and that it is my fault. The bad thing is that I think it is my fault.
Throughout our whole relationship I have been battling depression and most likely pmdd along with a little late onset congential adrenal hyperplasia which has symptoms that mirror polycystic oviarian syndrome. I have been dealing with these things my whole life, along with a few ovarian tumors and the removal of my right ovary. So lord only knows how messed up my hormones are and you can guess at my moods. I don't even know if I believe in pmdd but I know that I feel like a raving nut for about two weeks out of the month.
So, for the past several years, but really getting bad over the past year since we had the baby I have been very, very mean to him. If I was a man you would call me abusive. Not physically, but emotionally abusive. I call him names, I yell at him, I curse at him, and I have no idea why. Too much mayo on the sandwich? Major tantrum. Baby not dressed in clothes that match? Better watch out. Why do I do this to him? What is wrong with me? He is a really good man who has been more than patient with this lunacy. Now he says it has killed our relationship and he may want out.
However, there is our daughter to consider, and we want her raised by both of us and we don't want to be single parents. We don't want to be arguing parents. We want her to remain happy and safe and perfect. Also, I know I cannot raise her alone financially or otherwise if he leaves us. Every day is a roller coaster.
I wish he could understant that I do not know what is wrong with me or how to stop it. I wish he could understand how hard mothering is. I wish he could know the tangle of love/aggravation/exhaustion/sadness that I feel. On top of all this we have a kid-which means we have no money, so go nowhere unless our parents are paying, and are constantly under financial stress bc the mortgage on the house we just bought and the daycare are sucking us dry. He has been at the same job for four years, which is good, but I make more money with a bachelor's as a teacher then he does with a masters at his job. This has been a point of contention for years. But the alternative seems to be he is not home much, and that is not good either.
We have had many talks over the past two weeks and some days are better than others-I am trying really, really hard to clean up my act. I also went to the doctor and got some Zoloft, I have a fabulous doctor who talks about all of this with me. There is apparently a two week waiting period for this to kick in. This is day 2 and mostly I feel spacey which could also be due to lack of sleep as I convinced myself that he was having an affair so I stayed up worrying about that all night. I asked him, very calmly, this morning if he was in fact having an affair. He said no, if he was he would not be at home every night. However, he is going out tonight with friends, something I have encouraged him to do, but he has never actually done much. He asked if I was going to call 20 times tonight-I said no, how about 3? He said no, only if it was an emergency and reminded me that he kept the baby on Friday night and all day on Saturday so I could visit friends and did not call to bother me-but let me have a good time. I know I have to do the same.
The whole idea of an affair came to me at 1:30am when it dawned on me that he worked sort of late two weeks ago on a Thursday, before all of this and I never thought about it. Now it is another Thursday and he is going out again and it reminded me of our very haunted past, when we were sneaking around behind someone's back. Not something we are proud of, not something I ever got over doing, but it was there none the less. Maybe I deserve this as some sort of kharmic payback. He says he is not having an affair. He almost laughed at me and asked me if I was. I checked his phone, not very many unfamiliar numbers but he uses the thing at work so who knows who those numbers are. I will not check his email, even if I knew his password I could not bc he always knows if I try something like that. Where did this craziness even come from? It never would have occured to me to even consider this until all of this got dumped on me last week. I breifly considered stalking him but he would hate me for it as he does not do that to me and anyway what would I do with my daughter?
We are trying to get into counseling but I have yet to get a stinking counselor to answer the phone, much less return a phone call and I do not know what to do about that. Isn't counseling what counselors do for a living? Don't they need patients? Are there that many screwed up people out there that all appointments are full?
Over the past few days he has told me he loves me, does not love me, loves me, feels good and bad on some days, might be in love with me, and made love to me. I have no ideal what to think, what to and am trying to survive my day in a zoloft and exhaustion induced haze. I will take care of my daughter and make sure she is happy and cared for. I will try not to give in to the pain building up in my chest threatening to burst out at any moment. We just go on - living together, parenting, and acting like nothing is wrong, and then sometimes we talk about it. I don't know what else to do. Any thoughts?


Anonymous said...

It sounds like there is still hope. Maybe you can take advantage of some serious individual counseling along with the medicine.

Best of luck and fight your hardest to overcome. That way you will know you've done all you can, regardless of the outcome.

Anonymous said...

Just a couple of thoughts...

One, good for you both for being willing to try. You're hurting, he's hurting, and lots of people would just quit.

Two, just so's you know, Zoloft can take as much as 6 weeks to start working for some people - I say this not to be a downer, just so that you can be prepared. And if you're not feeling a difference in 2 weeks, don't give up!

And three, the market varies depending on where you live, but where I am, it's a 6-week wait to see an individual therapist, and 8 to 10 weeks to see a couple's therapist. There just aren't enough therapists and so many people want appointments - and there are usually longer wait-lists in summertime than in the winter (I don't know why).

In the meantime, try writing letters, old-fashioned, hand-written letters to him, in which you are as honest as you can be and focusing on the reasons why you want to stay together. Write it, then keep it for a day or two before re-reading it and giving it to him, just to make sure it really says what you want it to say. And remember that he's not going to be able to understand what it's like to be you unless you tell him, and sometimes more than once - especially when your health issues are so gender-specific, it's just hard for him to understand.

Hang in there. You sound smart and motivated, and relationships can get through almost anything as long as both people are willing to try.

flutter said...

I don't just think zoloft is the answer, i think couples counseling is needed.

Anonymous said...

katesaid has some really good advice; the letter writing is a really good idea IF writing works for you. It did for me -- but not just letters to him. Writing it ALL down: where I had gone wrong, where he had gone wrong, what I wanted for myself, what I wanted for us....

Four years in, my husband told me that he was in love with someone else, and it was the most horrible thing I have ever heard. And now, four years after that, we're still together, and we're happy BUT there was a good solid 2 years of struggle in there. I have no magic solution for you (and we slogged it out through a coast-to-coast separation, no medication and no counselling - but there is no way I am advocating that you do it THAT way. Hell, no.) but it's possible to comb through the shit and get out alive.

The most important thing is that you two TALK to each other - let him know what it's like to BE you, no one can read anyone else's mind, and I hope he is able to let you know what it's like to BE HIM and what it feels like when you are mean to him.

The fact that you held off calling him when he was out with his friends is good - really good. (I hope you didn't call him!)

As someone who DID look through her husband's email - don't. Ever. It is not worth the searing pain. Stop with the cell phone monitoring - that will destroy you. It will add fuel to his hesitancy regarding his love for you, and then you will definitely have to live with the knowledge that you stopped trusting him when he had the balls to let you know there was serious trouble.

Talk to each other. Listen to each other. I hope it gets better.

Cate Subrosa said...

I recognise a lot of your pain. I recognise that behaviour, when you don't seem to be able to stop yourself behaving in ways that make you hate yourself.

It appears to me the route of your pain is anger and frustration. You may not even see it as anger right now, but I believe depression truly is anger turned inwards.

There are two things I think will help you:

Firstly, exercise. If you think you can't exercise much because of your daughter, put her in her buggy or strap her on your back (or front!) and get walking. Long walks may be the last thing you feel like when you're depressed, but if you keep at it, the effect can be amazing.

Secondly, talking therapy. Keep phoning those counsellors. But in the meanwhile, you might like to try something my fiancé and I learned in couple's counselling, which we call a listening session. I blogged about it here and here. Just leave me a comment on my blog if you want to know more.

Best of luck. You can get through this.

Anonymous said...

Good luck. However this works out, whatever happens, my thoughts are with all of you-- you, your husband, and your daughter. Hang in there, girl.

Anonymous said...

In the meantime, while you wait to see a counselor, try a 24-hour crisis line some time when you feel particularly overwhelmed or frustrated. You don't have the be suicidal to benefit from these lines-- look in the phone book or call 1-800-SUICIDE to be referred to a local crisis hotline. It can be a big help just to talk to a neutral party and have them listen and understand how you're feeling. They won't be able to do anything couple-related, but it might help with the stress of this situation for you or your husband individually.

Anonymous said...

Go to a vitamin shop and get some Black Cohosh capsules by Solaray. Take as instructed on the bottle. It will help counter the hormonal craziness that comes from the adrenal/PCOS-like problems and it's not super expensive.

Anonymous said...

I like all these ideas, talk therapy, writing therapy, exercise. I would also talk to your doctor about mood stabilizers as a possibility rather than depression meds. Irritability like that is often the up swing of a modulating mood more in the realm of bipolar stuff.

Anonymous said...

There is hope. You both want this work. Definitely seek counseling. May be your Dr. has a referral for you?

Some churches offer free counseling by a licensed dr.

Aunt Sheri said...

I like the ideas of writing letters and walking as exercise with daughter in tow.

Are you getting enough sleep? any sleep, restful sleep?
I don't have any other health problems - thank goodness - but am irritable, mean, can't concentrate, unfocused, throw tantrums, can not control my emotions hardly at all, depressed, joyless, unmotivated, exhausted, sad, resentful and did I say throw tantrums...when I don't get sleep. I have a 3 1/2 yr. old and an 18 mo. old.

Sleep, exercise and communicate as well as taking care of yourself with meds & professional help - hope it helps you both.

Anonymous said...

I'll be praying for you. Kudos to your husband for telling you how he felt and not just walking out. Kudos to you for recognizing your part in the problems, but that does not make him guilt free. Hopefully he is as willing to examine these issues together and work with you to solve them, not just dump the whole thing in your lap.

Anonymous said...

If the Zoloft doesn't help your moods try Wellbutrin - it's worked wonders for me! I noticed a huge difference within days!

Anonymous said...

Another anonymous posted a suggestion about a mood stabilizer, which I am going to second. I felt the exact same way you do until my doc finally wised up and tried lithium. It has been an absolute life saver.

And exercise, sleeping well, eating well, and couples therapy should all help too.

But really, and this is meant with NO offense intended, please think hard about a mood stabilizer.