Wednesday, July 30, 2008

No Thanks For Being A Friend

Posted by Anonymous

This friendship is over. I am not in the least bit sad about it. It was never real to me. I thought it could be. I did try. But you could never open up enough for it to be a real friendship. You're too busy trying to present this picture to the world that isn't real.
I'm too old for this shit. And you're even older than me. I won't be made to feel bad for just letting a friendship go. If I were to have problems in my other friendships, I would talk about it. I would deal with issues, no matter how painful. But with this one, I'm afraid I don't care enough.
I'm mad at myself for letting you off easy. For making it seem as though I'm just too busy. If I felt like you cared at all, I would have made more of an effort.
I've overlooked snide comments, snotty comments, mean comments, and I've thought to myself, "I don't need this shit".
Really, I don't.
Perhaps we'll say goodbye this week. We're both moving.
Perhaps we won't. Perhaps you'll just blame me some more, even though I've been the best friend you've had for four years. Did you ever ask yourself why the other women stopped talking to you? Because you will never open up. You'll never be vulnerable, or real. You'll never let anyone see you without makeup, or let anyone in if your house is a mess.
That speaks volumes to me.
I'm over it. I'm mad that I'm even letting it bother me. We haven't spoken in a week, but I'm being blamed for this. You could have picked up the fucking phone. Or emailed. Or done anything to show that you cared. But because your husband is deployed for longer than mine, your struggle is bigger and more complicated than I could ever understand, right?
And just so you know, your son's comments have made it obvious what you say behind my back. He's too young to understand what not to say. But now I know.
I feel like I'm in high school. Can't a friendship just end without any recriminations? It's not working, move on, end of story.


Mrs. Case said...

I'm going through the same thing with a friend. Keep your head up!

Briya said...

WOW. I've felt like this before...
And I have to say, I was better off without her.

flutter said...

better off, indeed

CP said...

I just recently went through this with a person whom I thought was my friend but, upon some reflection, realized it was all on my end as she spent 100% of her time making sure she presented a perfect life to the rest of the world. Who has time for that? Not me. Nor do I have time for her any longer. Funny, I made the decision and, except for a few awkward encounters at the end of the school year, nothing really changed. She's now moved to LA and I doubt I'll hear from her again. Isn't is funny how easy friends become strangers when they really were strangers all along?

Pollyanna said...

WOW! I have thought about submitting a post similiar to this to the Basement. A few of my facts would change but other than that it would have been very similiar. WOW! Is the time of year or what?!?!

I think you should do whatever your gut is telling you to do. And if your gut says it's time to cut this friend loose than do it. We moved a year ago and I chose not to give my new information to more than a couple of our "friends" and it was the best decision I ever made. However, I am thinking I should have added one more to that list. :)

Anonymous said...

And now a word from the other side fo the story.....:)

I AM one of those people who finds it hard to just open up to someone. And I hate it. I see people who can do that so freely and I am envious. This past year I DID spend a LOT of time talking to an old friend online...mostly about his problems--- but I realized a lot in the process about myself. FWIW, in my case it's NOT about wanting to present some perfect image to other people: I'm not perfect and could care less about where I measure up in terms of someone else's standards. I've come to realize that for me a lot of it has to do with control issues. I am a GREAT conversationalist and I always ask questions and offer insights or advice so that the conversation doesn't SEEM one sided--- but I tend to offer very little about myself. I realize that in this way I am really controlling the conversation and controlling access to ME (I do this in other ways, too). Pop psychology would say it's because I was in too many situations where I had no control growing up (molested from age 4-6, one brother died when I was 7, mom suffered from depression and very explosive behaviors, etc. etc.). Or maybe I just learned early how to "hide" because I COULDN'T share those things (because I was told not to tell or because it made people SO uncomfortable when you WOULD tell them (what do you say to a kid that's just lost her brother?)). And I have low self-esteem-- part of me thinks that no one REALLY wants to hear my problems--- that telling them would bore them or that when I am telling them something important about me that they will really just be sitting there politely waiting for their turn to speak.

I am lucky for these realizations, but before I had them, I just thought I was one of those people who is destined to have a lot of acquaintances (sometimes very GOOD aqcuaintances) but very few true friends.

And now that I know these things about myself, I am trying to change them, but it's hard...sometimes REALLY hard. Because I don't have practice at this and putting these things into words can be hard and because I am constantly having to fight those negative voices inside saying that no one really cares about MY "particulars", anyway.

So--- I know it has to be frustrating to deal with a "friend" like me--- but is she generally "there" for you? If you can count on her to listen to you when you need to vent and you know she'll come through for you in a pinch....maybe don't throw in the towel just yet--- she might need YOUR friendship and value you in her life more than you will ever realize.

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh....I am just like the previous poster.

I want to be vulnerable...I want to be open, but I just cant seem to do it.

I have had therapy for many years, and I can safely say, that for me it is about control. Its certainly not the healthiest way to live, and it sure can be lonely. I know that I have chased away more than one person that I really liked and would have given anything to remain friends with. Its hard, and even knowing what the issue is, it is baby steps.

I felt so sad reading this post. I wonder what people have thought about me all these years. I hope they didnt think I was trying to look like life was perfect, but perhaps they did.

Good post...I needed this.


Anonymous said...

I agree with the last two commenters. Her need to be perfect is more likely a result of lack of self esteem, need for control, and deep-seated fear. I know because it's me. I can count on one hand (and not even use all the fingers) the number of people who *really* know me. And it's fear and insecurity. A fear that me, as a person, am inherently unlovable. And that if I let anyone see the "real me" they will realize that, and I will be left alone. So yes, I'll be there for you, we'll have lots of fun, I'll listen when you need to vent, offer advice when asked, but I won't let you do the same for me. Because if I do, you'll realize I'm really not worth it.

Of course, if her friendship is not offering you what you need, it is not your responsibility to try to "fix her" or stick it out. But I wouldn't discount her as superficial, or uninterested. I would say, instead, that she is probably depressed, and struggling with issues that she may (or may not) even realize exist. I would bet there's a lot more under the surface, and the reason she's not letting you see it is because she's scared.