Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The Monster

Posted by Anonymous

I'm going to warn you now that this post might enrage you as it does me. Mostly because I cannot help the situation. I cry a lot over it.

I have a friend - let's call her Sarah - with three kids. Two boys are her oldest and youngest and her little girl is the middle child. These kids are kind, sweet, adorable, polite...everything their mother is and more. Sarah is one of my best friends.

About 3.5 years ago, Sarah left her husband of 15 years. She left him because she finally had enough of his abusive ways. She beat her, belittled her, broke her down repeatedly, often in front of the kids. He was a peeping tom and caught several times by wives of friends in
their old town. He has a very strong desire for teenage porn and has told Sarah many times that he can't wait for their daughter to have sleepovers.

He was not an involved father, drank to excess frequently, spent money they did not have, was unable to hold a job for longer than a few months and made them live on his income. Sarah was not allowed to work. She filled her time raising those three beautiful children who are all less then 12 years old now, so they were all less than 8 years old when Sarah finally stood up to him and left with her kids.

She told me in the car one day on the way to the gym that she was leaving him. I was shocked. Not only had my friend gone through hell those 15 years, she had hid it well from every single person she knew.

As Sarah went through a very trying time of securing a place to live, finding employment and resources to help her keep her family above water, the Ex played mind games, one after the other to intimidate her. He showed up at her new home without calling, he called her
repeatedly - sometimes 100's of times a night, he barged into her new place and stuck his hand down her pants to feel her, then accused her of still loving him because she was wet (aren't all vaginas naturally wet? Pervert.) He told the children to never bathe or shower with their mother because she was a slut now, sleeping around. (She hadn't dated anyone - she was too busy taking her children to therapy, family court, children's services, on top of school and 'normal' commitments.) Further to that, Sarah has been in 3 car accidents in the last 8 years - 2 of them the Ex was driving, the 3rd she was rear-ended. She deals with chronic pain and physiotherapy. She doesn't have an easy life as it is.

The mindgames escalated when Sarah used her grandmother's inheritance to buy her little family a used car. Ex showed up in the middle of the night, on 4 separate occasions, to deflate her tires, key her car, and other little things - but only on days where she had to be somewhere like children's services at 9 a.m. The Ex also claimed his income was $12K/year and got away with paying a mere $27/month/child. He never paid that meager amount anyway.

He called over 100 times while I was at her house one day. Finally I took the cordless phone outside and answered it myself. I asked him if he was drinking. I told him he was upsetting the children. He didn't like that I wouldn't put Sarah or the kids on the phone. I advised him that if he continued to harass Sarah, I would call the police. He kept calling and we called the police, who went to his home and got him to knock it off.

Within a week, he tried to hit my car with his. My kids were in the car too. Once again, the police were involved (I called immediately). He denied it and the matter was dropped.

Despite all of this craziness, Sarah, with the help of a lot of therapy and us as her friends, did a complete 180 on her personality and went from being this meek woman to someone who was very proud of herself, very aware of who she was and a woman who knew what she wanted. She remained a caring, sweet person, but now she had an unbreakable spine.

Nearly 2 years passed and Sarah began dating a lovely man, a guy my husband and I really liked. He was thrilled to have this instant family, this wonderful woman and her beautiful kids. But there was the Ex to contend with and make no mistake, he really made things
difficult.

The man was not put off by Ex's attempts - in fact, it only made it easier to love Sarah and the kids because the man felt the need to protect this new family.

And so he has. Through thick and thin - though times of bonecrushing stress, this man has stood because Sarah as she has navigated the court system to try and secure the best possible situation for her kids. He even bought a house in a small town for them all to live in.
They truly are a happy couple and the kids love him.

The court has sent those kids back to their father for visitation despite:

- the kids crying and screaming not to go to his house
- the youngest (age 7) wetting the bed
- the two youngest having repeated yeast infections
- the Ex not administering prescription medicine for ear infections
with 2 of the kids
- the Ex drinking and driving
- the Ex having kids in the front seat while driving (it's not safe
because he can't turn his airbag off and none of the kids are old
enough to be in the front seat yet)
- the Ex drinking and phoning Sarah to verbally abuse her while the
kids are in his presence
- the Ex telling the oldest son that he has a big penis and that girls
will really like that someday
- the Ex getting on MSN messenger to chat with the oldest and having a
picture of his 'girlfriend' in a bathrobe, legs spread eagle, as his
profile picture
- the Ex telling the oldest that 'mommy plays with herself in the shower'
- the Ex explaining sexual positions to the oldest
- the Ex telling the daughter that mommy is getting fat and to be
careful she doesn't end up like mom (Sarah is nowhere near fat)
- the Ex doing absolutely everything for the daughter, rendering her
an indecisive mess by the end of every visit (she comes home unable to
make decisions or do anything for herself - Sarah is very concerned
about what he is doing to her daughter)
- the Ex yelling and swearing at the kids, both in person and on the phone
- the Ex not feeding the kids, returning them starving after nearly 24
hours with no food in their bellies
- the Ex threatening the children if they say anything about him to
Children's Services
- the Ex not returning the kids at his designated time (this has
happened at least 10 times)

The list goes on and on.

This man is not a man. He is not a father. He is a monster.

Sarah has documented everything and submitted everything to Children's Services and the courts. The police have been involved so many times it's ridiculous. These kids really need to be protected from their father.

I hope today is the very last straw. Sarah called to tell me that Ex had told the kids to walk home after their visitation.

IT'S A 90 MINUTE DRIVE. ON A SUNDAY NIGHT. IN THE DARK.

The police picked the kids up on a road as they walked. Children's services is involved again.

Sarah has toed the line until now. She has obeyed the court's wishes to the letter.

She has sent her children back to their father for the very last time.

Her words to me today chilled me to the bone: "What more has to happen? Does he have to kill them?"

I'm so terrified for them. For her. Because I'm afraid that is exactly what he will do, and I don't know if it will be an accident from drinking, or something else - but he doesn't care about those
kids in the least. All he wants is to hurt her.

Let's hope this final straw will be the kick in the ass Children's Services needs to finally say no more to the Ex.

Postscript: He got access back. No, I don't understand why.

28 comments:

Erin said...

How horrifying. I am so sorry for your friend, and her children. My father was horribly abusive to me when I was a child, and I can attest to the fact that those scars last a lifetime. If only Children's Services would actually protect children, rather than advocate for abusive parents.

Anonymous said...

it enrages me to read that without knowing the family, so i can understand that you must be a million times more upset at this situation. i hope and pray that those children have been subjected to this for the last time.

Amy said...

I am so sorry for your friend and her children.

Do you know anyone in town with any pull? A judge, the police chief, anyone? Or does someone you know have connections? You said it's a small town. Sometimes it really is WHO you know, unfortunately. I would be appealing to every single person in the town, county, and state with any kind of clout, to get them to do SOMETHING before this situation ends in tragedy.

Maybe call CPS yourself and inform them of what you've seen? And get all of Sarah's friends to do the same. Maybe if you all band together, it won't matter that he's threatened the kids into not talking, because enough reasonable adults have come forward to say, "Something must be done!!"

Or you could all pool every cent you have to get Sarah and her family set up in a new place, far away from where the Ex lives.

What a mess. I hope you post an update in the future, with how it all turns out. I hope it turns out positively, somehow, for the kids' sake. Maybe the Ex will get run over by a reindeer for Christmas...

Amy

Honeybell said...

My God. With every fiber of my being, I hope and pray those kids never have to be in his presence again.

Honeybell said...

I just saw the postscript. I'm so sorry for Sarah and her kids. So. Very. Sorry.

This country seriously needs to re-evaluate child protective services and the family court judicial system. Shame on that judge.

Kimberly said...

My God. What a nightmare. I can understand why you cry over this situation every day. I cannot for the life of me understand how the father got visitation back after that "last straw." I mean, come on!

I will pray that something changes and they never have to spend an unsupervised moment with him alone again.

Candy said...

What can the courts possibly be thinking? I am enraged for Sarah and her children. It's time to take them and run. Sometimes you have no choice.

Anonymous said...

I am a mother of two, ages 4 months and 3 years. I am in the same situation. But I must stay to protect my children! If I stay, my son could end up like his father... if I leave, who knows what he would do to me or them when they are alone. It's stupid court decisions like this that leave many women in this situation with no other choice but to stay and be abused.

Anonymous said...

She should try legal aid. She needs a family lawyer. And she should start writing letters to her state congressman, her senators... anybody she can think of to ask why the h*ll CPS isn't doing its job properly...

And maybe she should apply for a restraining order if she feels threatened... get it on record now, make him go to court over it.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, that is horrible. Is there any way that she can file for supervised visitation at least?

I wish I could think of some way to help. I'm so sorry.

margalit said...

Sarah needs to escalate this problem beyond the local family court. And she needs to call the media to investigate why Children's Services is allowing this monster continued visitation unsupervised. There is something VERY wrong here, and the only way your friend is going to be able to solve it is to escalate it WAY up the chain. This judge is an asshole. She needs to find out how to get him/her off the case and to get a new judge that will look at the evidence and not at the father's dick.

CPS needs to be called out on why they are allowing this to continue. At least, he should have supervised visits. At best, he should have to give up his parental rights.

She also needs statements from everyone, from her pastor to her friends to her doctor showing evidence of abuse. And once the media is involved, things WILL change.

Anonymous said...

And look how fast they took Britney's kids away.

Anonymous said...

Who is she using for her attorney? I am not sure where you live but there are legal clinics that will give representation for free. They farm out the cases to big law firms, so she would get really good representation. I am a law student so I can't give you legal advice, but she needs a new lawyer OR perhaps a new judge. She can go to Legal Aid if she doesn't work or makes little money, but with the size of the household she most likely would qualify for services.

Tell her to get lots and lots of proof, start documenting everything.

Her kids can testify against him. They will take them in a separate room and be really nice to them, so they won't have to face him in the court room.

Also, the IRS has a hotline for people underpaying their taxes, or under reporting income...you should give them a call.

Missicat said...

I hate hate hate hearing stories like this. What type of complete IDIOT keeps making decisions to have this monster access to those poor kids??? I agree with everyone else who says she needs to involve more folks that can help.

kaila said...

This sounds similar to a friend of mine - and myself. If you/she live in Florida - then I know how hard it is to get help. The courts here try with every fiber of their being to let the father be a part of childrens lives. No matter how much of a monster he is.

I wish your friend luck, and I pray for those poor kids.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this one really tore at my heart. Its sad to think that we spend a good deal of our tax money on services that are supposed to protect children in these situations and look what people can still do to their children!! It really makes me feel sick inside to think that people can live with themselves when they are like the "dad" in this story.

I pray that your friend is finally able to move on with her life and that the children find some stability and security.

Anonymous said...

Maybe someone can help him catch a bullet with his mouth. After working only six months in social services I'm on the renagades side. The law never works for the people it is supposed to but the people we need protection from. I agree with the media outlet and wouldn't let him see the kids again no matter what.

el_se said...

I have one suggestion for you and your friend. If the children are involved in child protection then they should have been appointed a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) or in some states they are referred to as Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA). I am crrently one and I can tell you that the person who is appointed to the case will have considerable pull within the legal system. Google GAL or CASA to find more information, and to find out your state's laws. This is one avenue that can be a god send, and it sounds like this case could be helped in so many ways with a GAL/CASA who knows what they are doing. I hope that helps, good luck!

selzach said...

OMG, I am so sorry for your friend and the kids.

How the hell can the dad have unsupervised visitation with the kids? It seems to me just a matter of time until he is physically or sexually abusing the kids if he isn't already.

I think several of the earlier commenters have great suggestions: a guardian ad litem for the kids, legal aid/or a new attorney for mom, multiple letters and calls to CPS, contacting the local media to see if they can give CPS a push in the right direction, contacting higher ups in law enforcement and the town or state government...

And yes, document everything witnessed by herself or her friends. Keep emails and messages left on the answering machine. Get copies of the police reports. Talk to the phone company and see if she can get records of his harrassing calls.

Anonymous said...

Your friend should get a gun, learn how to use it, and then shoot the bastard the moment he steps on her property. Otherwise, the opposite is going to happen and those kids will be left without a mother.

I feel so bad for her and those children. Please let us know how it turns out.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God. I am so sorry. I agree with all the suggestions above: move, buy a gun, get a new lawyer, find someone with "pull" where she lives, something. This is sick.

Please keep us updated.

Anonymous said...

I say get the local news to do a story on this----an expose' of the Childrens Services Dept. Then you will see some action. In Phila., DHS workers were charged along with the parent of a child with cerebral palsy whom was starved to death. They were held accountable in court because they did nothing to help this little girl, and will now pay the price for it ( as they should). The media is an excellent resource, and could protect their identity, but get the attention where it belongs, on what's best for those kids.....

Anonymous said...

This was my story less than a year ago. Reading it made me feel as if all the oxygen has just been sucked from the room. I am in tears. I wish I could help that poor family.

kittenpie said...

Enraged? Oh hell yeah. I'm sorry and scared for your friend, and I hope so strongly that she can find some way to either win her case or move away from him. My best wishes and a few hugs to her, please.

Michelle said...

What the hell state is this? My honest advice as a former social worker- call the media. Really. Call your local news. Call your newspaper. Hell, call Oprah. Poorly operating Human Service agencies hate publicity.

Please keep updating. That is a disgrace.

Not to suggest or encourage something illegal, but honestly if it were me, they'd be taking those kids back to him over my cold, lifeless body.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I'm so terribly sorry to hear this.

Erin W. said...

What a horrifying tale. I am SO incredibly sorry for what your friend and her poor children have to go through.
I don't pray often, but I certainly will for this family. How sad it is that a system put in place to protect families from this kind of nonsense is only enforcing it! I certainly agree with Michelle's idea to take the story to the media. It sounds like Sarah has gone through all the right steps thus far and it's gotten her nowhere. Maybe that's her best bet.
And good for you for standing by your friend. My family and I went through some tough times involving Children's Services and we had NO ONE to stand by us or offer any emotional support. It would have meant the world to us to have just one friend in that hard time. I'm sure your friend counts you among her blessings.

Anonymous said...

It should be called Children's Dis-Services. I am involved with these clowns all the time. I call them at least three times a week, every week (in my line of work, I am a mandatory reporter of child abuse and neglect). I have seen horrific evidence of abuse and neglect. I have heard stories that would make you literally sick. The sickest and most perverted imagination couldn't invent the torturous acts that have been perpetrated upon my patients by their fathers, uncles, cousins.

The department in my state that supposedly protects children is the most impotent organization ever to exist. Unless a child is bleeding and the perp is standing over the kid with a weapon in hand, they NEVER DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT THE KIDS.

It kills me.

I have no answers.