Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Price Of Motherhood

Posted by Anonymous.

I feel like shit. I interviewed for a position and the person they hired posted their resume on the internet. I googled her. She speaks 3 languages, has a degree and diploma, has worked with countless graphic design firms, and she had to come along and eat the little job I was applying for. Why didn't she try for something bigger and leave the scraps for me?

What makes me upset the most is that there's no way for me to get what she has. I have no time to upgrade my skills or gain the experience she has without risking my steady paycheque. I spend ALL of my free time taking care of three children. I can't go to the bathroom myself, can't shower by myself, can't go to sleep by myself. It's always "mommy, mommy, mommy" for everything, even in the middle of the night. My whole life has been interrupted by these kids. I once had so much fire in me that I felt I could take the world by storm and show them what I'm made of. Now I've been reduced to a depressed mess.

I feel like I missed my chance to have a career, and not just a job. I wanted a family, but didn't realize at the time that it would mean my doing 90% of the household work and still being looked at like I'm not doing enough. I didn't realize at the time that I would have to give up who I was and what I stood for in order to be 'mommy' and 'wife'. I didn't realize how much I would have to sacrifice to have kids. And despite how many times people tell you about the true responsibilities of having kids, I never fully got it until I had them. Now I'm bitter and angry.

I'm mad at my husband for being allowed to carry on as if nothing has happened to his life. He can still climb that corporate ladder, socialize and put his needs first without being accused of being a bad parent, while I have to take a back seat and pretend that I have no needs of my own. I have to listen to other mothers at work talk about mommy guilt and how they can't do enough for their babies and wish they had time to do more for their kids. More? Really? Is sacrificing everything not enough? It's like they've been sucked into a 'mommy' universe where they are no longer people, no longer women, just mommies with no desires outside those that involve their kids. Some women will whisper to me about the difficulties they face, but won't say anything out in the open. It's like a secret, a big shameful secret to be tired and exhausted from carrying an entire family on your shoulders.

I just want to scream sometimes in the most inappropriate places "I can be a mother to my children without having to give up everything!!!!!!!". Even if I just had a space to talk about it and not have to bottle it inside to avoid the 'selfish mother' title. Now, I'm stuck in a job I don't like and I barely have enough time to brush my own teeth let alone study for school to upgrade my skills. Even though I love the little people inside my house, I know that given the chance, I would not ever do this again. The price of motherhood has been too much for me. I am so miserably unhappy.


Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))) Mothering small children is the hardest job there is, isn't it?

I was just thinking this morning about how much easier it was to be a mother when my grandma had small kids and only "dads" worked outside the home. Back then there were people around who knew what it was like for us. Moms were in it together. Nowadays, whether or not you work outside the home, motherhood is so *isolating*.

Anyway - digression aside - I hear you and I feel the same. Add to that my husband sacrifices nothing AND works a job where accolades abound so I get to constantly hear how fantastic he is and what great "sacrifices" he makes at work. We need to institute Motherhood Academy Awards. You win!

Fran Loosen said...

I'm struggling with this as well. I've just spent 3 years on a double master's degree but am conflicted about going into hard-core work again or having a life which would be better for me and my family (healthier, more balanced). I know what my heart wants, but I am fearful of feeling again what I felt when I left my life's work to stay home with my child. I still haven't gotten over the feeling that I got off of the career super-highway and that onramping is nearly impossible.

One thing that helped was to realize that we have multiple lifetimes, you do have time. I'm in my mid-thirties which means I have almost my lifetime again to work before I can even retire. That is an AMAZING amount of time. Amazing. Getting there is the challenge. Sometimes I resent having had kids...yes, I will say it. I love them, but the sacrifices have been huge and I long for the days I had before. Or maybe it wasn't so great, but it was damn easier. So I hear you.

I'm reading a good book called "Finding Your Own North Star" and working with a person who is helping me figure it out. Maybe there is someone you can partner with to vent or plan or whatever.

Time has not passed you by, you have time. But it's getting there that is the hard thing to map.

Fran Loosen said...

P.S. I also didn't get out of that depressed space without the help of meds. Not sure if that is for you, but it allowed me to surface and blink at the bright light of day a little bit and figure out which direction to swim. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Put on your own oxygen know the drill. :)

Anonymous said...

Is there anyway to get your husband to step up more? Maybe give you more time on the weekends. I tend find that no one else's expectations are as high as my own. Give yourself some slack. You are doing the hardest job without much support. I often think that women's movement into the work force missed out on a serious negotiation point...the division of the household labor.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how hard this is, and I've only got two!

You need to find something for yourself. I struggle with this too. Being online has really helped. Also, I give myself about 1/2 hour every day to read. I need that time. I don't care if the kitchen didn't get cleaned that night -- if it's time I need to read, then that wins. Otherwise, I would lose my mind.

Are there other ways to get help? Therapy, or even just a night off (in-laws, parents, husband) once a week, a month? It's not fair to lose yourself like this.

Good luck. You are right in the mess of it, and it makes you feel so alone. You're not, but I know that doesn't help much. ((hugs))


Beth said...

I think that there are many of us, at many various times, who wonder whether we would have had our kids -- if we had everything to do over. I try not to live in that thought for very long periods because it is ultimately not productive for me, since so far I haven't been able to do anything about that whole space-time continuum. :)

But the price of motherhood is very very real -- and you're entirely right that career and personhood are what fall by the wayside for us moms. It *is* somewhat better as my kids are getting older (one aged 10 and twins aged 8), and I am able to pursue (at least somewhat) more opportunities outside of my kids.

Something I've been reflecting on lately -- to put in the "for what it's worth" category -- is that the work we do, the sacrificing we do for the sake of rearing healthy stable kids that will be unleashed on the world -- DAMN, it's important. It's so much more important than anything else I've done in my career. I'm not saying that it's always fulfilling work, but I guess what I'm saying is that we mothers need to acknowledge to ourselves and to one another that what we do is vital. We do good and important work, no matter how much the rest of the world may blow it off, no matter how few accolades come our way, no matter that we don't get paid...what we do is never wasted.

All that said, I hope that you find a way to have a more rewarding job outside the home...I don't have some all-fired easy answer (would that someone did!), but I'm all for trying to follow your bliss, for carving out whatever I can for myself so that I don't go completely apeshit.

But you're not alone. And meds can and do help, as does talking with other people (husband, friend, counselor). Just know you're not alone and what you do is the most important job in the world. So high accolades to you! (And to us all!)

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

People don't understand how I think that being a single parent is easier than being part of a couple, but it sure does get rid of some of these issues! You don't say how old your children are, I only have one who's three and it's so hard to carve out time for yourself.

Do you want your husband to step up and do more housework? Leave things messy, if he's really bothered he'll tidy them. I'm doing a degree and I have to say that most days I do zero tidying or cleaning because after looking after the boy and doing homework I just don't care that there are crumbs on the floor.

Can you get your kids to do some serious chores? Take a little weight of your shoulders. Could you take up a little course online? Distance learning? Nothing huge, just a few hours a week. Just something to make your brain work again. I know it's helped me tons, I love it.

Sit down and decide what matters to you. Look at your priorities seriously. Is the kitchen more important than you time? Is the vaccuming more important than learning something new?

M is for mother not for martyr. You don't have to martyr yourself. You are not superwoman. Resolve that with yourself and then tackle what you feel you can. It's YOU and your family that matters, not anyone elses.

Anonymous said...

I have a sore spot on my forehead from just banging my head against the door of my sons' room in frustration. And having muttered, loudly enough for them to both hear (2 and 6) that "Sometimes I HATE my job". I meant being a mom. I don't hate the super-part-time work that brings in next to nothing. I hate the suck-it-all-out-of-you part and I'm not out in the workforce at the moment either. there's no real recognition. my DH tries to help out at home, and tell me he appreciates what i do at home, but even then it doesn't help much. it feels like and endless sink-hole that you're pouring into that will never be full. i can't even dream of the day when they'll be grown and appreciate or give back in any way. it's too hard to see that from here, and feels to far away.

Anonymous said...

I left work 3.5 years ago. I miss working. I miss getting to feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day. Somedays, I feel like I have completely lost who I am to being a mother, a wife, a maid, etc.

I am happier when working. I substituted for a long time with taking classes at the local college and taking part in this whole online blogging community. But I gave up the classes because my husband wanted to go back to school..but then didn't. I have stopped blogging because there's nothing left inside of me that happily wants to share what is my life with anyone else.

This is more than depression. I can handle depression. Worst part is I see women doing the whole SAHM thing and loving it. Which only contributes to the guilt I feel that I hate it.

I get by, by avoiding thinking about how I hate it and focus on the fact that ultimately, my children need me more than I need me right now. I just wish...

Crazed Nitwit said...

Oh I know your world well. My boys are now 17 and 20 and it's like I have never done anything for them. I stayed home 17 years and gave everything for them. They don't get it, being male they might never get it. Some days I just sit here and wonder if I stayed home for me(because I loved it 85% of the time) or for them. Now I've gotten my AA and am in nursing school at the age of 46. I've never really had a "career" besides student.

I think things will seem more even later in my life. Cuz right now my boys are diiots. I did not teach them that. ;) I will keep hope alive for them and for me.

Anonymous said...

It's a fallacy that we can have it all. There just isn't enough hours in the day or enough stamina in a person to be everything to your kids, your partner, your career, and yourself. Instead, we slog through it, doing what needs to be done. Thankfully, the little ones get bigger and don't need us 24/7. At that point, a little parental neglect won't hurt them and will give you some needed time.

Anonymous said...

Make time.
If you want to get ahead in your career and need classes to do so, get moving. Book an evening class. Tell your husband what you are doing and why. That you need him to look after the kids those 2 or 3 nights a week. End of story. If he can't accomdate that because he works evenings. Then do an all day Saturday class or online class. Research the options, see what's available.

As a mom to only one young child I can't really comprehend what it's like to deal with 3 young ones. However, I started to feel like I was losing myself as well. When the community course catalog came to the house one day, I told my husbnad I was taking an evening class one night a week for six weeks. At first he was nervous. Then, I told him WHY I was doing it. He had no idea I felt so isolated and "on" all the time. I needed something for me, so I went out and got it.

You can do it too.

Anonymous said...

"My whole life has been interrupted by these kids...And despite how many times people tell you about the true responsibilities of having kids, I never fully got it until I had them. Now I'm bitter and angry."

You sure are bitter and angry, and its directed at the wrong people. Its directed at your husband, for being able to continue on with his life. Its directed at a woman who applied for a job and got it because she was more qualified than you. Its directed at everyone but the person who made the decision to become a wife and Your kids aren't interrupting your life. They didn't show up at the door and decide to stay for a while. You chose motherhood...THREE TIMES!

You think its not fair that you have to give up so much to be a mother? Well I think its not fair that your children are growing up with a mother who resents them. Your children are not in this world to inconvenience you. You chose to bring them into this world and should, as their mother, be grateful that you've got 3 healthy little ones, while some people who WANT to be parents can't.

I mean this in the sincerest way possible, but seek help in a few fields. Find someone to help you deal with the housework, kids (babysitter more often, daycare, a housekeeper, something), and find someone to help you deal with your resentment towards your kids. Its not healthy for you, and its sure as hell not healthy for them to grow up like that.

And if you want to upgrade your skills, there's night school, distance education or correspondence and a myriad of other ways to do it while working around a busy schedule. Just get out and do it. If it means that much to you, you'll find a way. And if you truly love your family (which I'm not disputing), you'll find a way to get past resenting your kids, for everyone's sake.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Vanessa.

The way you're feeling isn't fair to your kids. Do what you need to do to deal with your resentment.

They didn't ask to be born.

The choices you made are what put you in the position you're in. Pull up your big girl panties & deal with it.

casualcostumer said...

I feel very badly that you feel this way, but I'm not sure why this is a surprise. It seems like many mothers act surprised that being a mom is tough. Heck, I know it's tough, and I'm not a mom. I have no desire to be a mom, ever. It's something I've thought about long and hard. I babysat all through high school, I teach kids of all ages, so I have a glimmer of what it's like to be in demand. (Notice I said, "glimmer," I do not claim to understand what it's like to be a parent.)

I guess I'M surprised that someone who wanted this is unhappy. I also feel bad for your children. My mom was a single mom, and if she had ever hinted that she was unhappy in her situation, I would have been mortified.

On the other hand, it's refreshing to hear a mom admit that motherhood is hard. Because for as many moms who are shocked by the difficulties motherhood presents, there are as many moms who pretend like it's a breeze.

I hope you don't think I posted this to cause friction, that was not my intent. I agree with the other posters about how this was YOUR decision, so you need to do something about it. I also agree that you have to find time for yourself, in whatever form that takes, however you have to do it. I babysat almost every weekend when I was a teen, and it seems like these days NO ONE I know with kids ever gets a babysitter. I think it's worth the money, even if so you can go get a cup of coffee at Starbucks by yourself.

I'd also like to add that I don't think medication is the answer. It's just a bandaid covering up the real problem. Therapy is way better than medication.

Anonymous said...

It really sounds like things are miserable there.. A truly terrible situation that needs to be escaped from as soon as possible. I mean for the kids not for you. If this is the kind of attitude that you as a mother are taking... then you shouldn't be one. Either ask dad to step up so that there is at least one parent in the family, or give them up for adoption, they have better odds of finding someone who cares that way. You whine and whine and whine, but in the end.. you made this decision.. you chose to have kids.

If even for arguments sake.. the first one was a complete surprise.. You could have stopped there.. but two more kids later... here you are.. a bad mother... miserable... and I'm sure that with all that anger and resentment that you are truly providing a loving atmosphere for your children.

Future parents take head.. think about your actions before taking them. I have made a career out of trying to help kids whose parents never thought things out... never truly weighed their decisions. Raising a child is the most important job in the world, not the hardest. It takes dedication, and patience, and above all self-sacrifice. If you aren't willing to give up what you want for your kids.. you don't deserve to be a mother.

Hopefully your story will make other future mothers slow down a step and think before getting pregnant. You would think that would put more planning into creating a life. When in reality you probably spent more time complaining about the life you created.

Anonymous said...

It is just too bad that you posted as anonymous for this article. It would have done my heart good to have been able to take your name, google it, and then call social services for the good of those kids.

Anonymous said...

Wow. The first half seemed to understand the complex emotions that go into parenting. The second half seem to be the reason why women keep silent, even when it's most difficult. They exemplify the reason why many don't find or reach out for the support they need.

I'm glad that I posted here. I am happy with the job that I do and the life I 'decided' to have. But what I'm most happy about is that I am honest with my feelings. And to the disappointment of the second half, expressing one's (perhaps) most extreme (and truly honest) feelings does not paint the whole picture. Some people had crappy childhoods and spend their time criticizing others' parenting abilities in an attempt to right the wrongs that were done to them. Others more easily empathize without having to agree. Some attempt (like Charles) to control what they cannot in hopes that they can be a hero. Others step back and realize that they could not ever possibly understand. It's much more easy to believe that we make choices and decisions rather than admit what little control we sometimes have over their own lives. That's the complexity in understanding the difference between individuality and autonomy.

As for me and my situation, I'm so good at what I do that people like Charles couldn't succeed, so ha! I've pulled my life out of nothing and turned it into something. I made magic when there was no pixie dust left. I will always have feelings, good and bad. I am so glad I am who I have become, because in moments where I feel the ugliest of feelings, I can get it out, turn it around, and move on.

Thanks for the basement.

Anonymous said...

I am so sick and tired of whiney mother's who complain about something that they chose to do - have kids! Imagine what it's like being YOUR kid - and you feel sorry for yourself???? I am a full-time Mom of 3, soon to be 4 (all 5 and under) and it's great 95% of the time because that is how I choose to look at it. I teach my children responsibility and respect. They know that I would rather be with them than pursuing some paycheck or attention from a job. Don't you know that children react to their environment - it sounds like yours is stressfull and negative. Why don't you spend less time resenting them and complaining, and actually do your job mothering them not pursuing your carreer goals? It may actually save your children from years of therapy as adults.

Anonymous said...

To the OP -
I read your follow up. Are you saying you have moved on from the place where you were when you wrote your original post?
I am a single parent and agree with you - raising children is tough and no one knows what it is like until they're in the middle of it. I have had my bad days. But the part where you say that you would not ever do this again if given the chance - is the most alarming part of your post. I hope you reach a place where you can make peace with the fact that you DID make these choices (and I do not agree with you that we have little control over our choices - that is a cop-out), however unknowledgeable you were about what the choices meant, and make the most of your situation, with the foremost goal of raising your children into the best kind of people you want them to be.

MarĂ­a said...

I know how you feel - I feel that way a lot of the time. I love my girls, but it's as simple as life would be much easier without them. I don't make them suffer for my mistakes, and I can see from the little that you've written that you don't either. They are such wonderful little people that even though I totally could imagine my life without them, I love imagining my future with them in it.

But, like you, I don't know if I would make the choice to have either of them if I had it to make again.

Oh, and my name is Maria Young. Just in case "Charles" is interested.

Anonymous said...

By the philosophy of some these commenters, you can never complain about your lousy boss; you CHOSE to work for him. You can never complain about that injury you got from football; you CHOSE to play a dangerous sport. You can never complain about an STD; you CHOSE to have sex. You can never complain about your taxes; you elected those people, didn't you? And what about that spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that you CHOSE to involve in your life? Can't complain about them.

Choosing good things in life does not mean everything is easy afterwards. Real burdens still result from good choices. Haranguing a mother for verbalizing that fact isn't only merciless; it's hypocrisy. Unless of course you never personally complain about anything, and I'm not exactly getting that vibe from some of you.

Anonymous said...

@Anon 3:01am -

Thank you for understanding, and even if you don't agree, it's understanding that makes it better.

I (was) am stressed. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. That moment in time cannot generalize my overall experience. As I said in the post, I love these little guys. They're fantastic. I get people walking up to me all the time complimenting me on how well behaved and absolutely cute they are. They bring their warm, loving, well behaved personalities everywhere. It reminds me every time of how lucky I am to have the ability to love and be loved.

That does not mean that I don't hit those moments where I feel like I want to pull my hair out. That does not mean that I don't take a step back at times and see how imbalanced things are; where we have people who believe that it's okay for men to do next to nothing and applaud them anyway, where as a woman is seen as a whining, complaining, ungrateful 'bad mother'. I don't like the gender imbalance. I don't like the unfair expectations. But like anything I encounter in my life, not liking it doesn't mean I go on a path of destruction. I don't have to ruin these children's lives just because I understand and see the unfairness. I don't need to sacrifice their well being for my happiness. But that also means that I don't have to sacrifice my own well being for society's happiness. I am more than just a caretaker. I am a human being with complex and real emotions.

I will feel on top of the world. I will also feel like I am at the bottom. Those are my feelings. This time around, I felt like I wanted to pout. I did. I got it out. I stomped around and threw a tantrum online so that my kids didn't have to see it in person. As soon as I got it out, I felt better, was able to address my true emotions, deal with the ugly parts, strengthen the good parts, and move on.

Most of the comments here were supportive and understanding. I found renewed hope and got that little extra push I needed to keep going on. It is hard at times to be a parent, for both men and women. These kids are little, but they won't always be. They will become more independent and all of that hard work will pay off.

When I had one, even when I only had two, I was judgmental of other parents that seemed to be struggling, just like some of the negative commenters. But then I had three, I reached my personal limit and had to reflect. It's not easy. I had to upgrade my parenting skills, find new resources and push through the difficult times. Everyone has something to say about parenting when they're not in that specific situation. What I found was that the most support I could provide to the community of parents around me was being understanding. Most people are good with one. Some are good with two. It takes a lot of strength and support to deal with more than that.

So, to make this even longer than it needs to be, I am, and always will be, honest with my emotions. That's how I live my life. I don't run from the ugly feelings that I have. I stop, turn around, face them, and do something about it.

I used the basement to air things out online so that I can move forward offline. That's what it's here for.

Her Bad Mother said...

To anyone who doubts that mothers who truly want motherhood never experience stress and anxiety over the choices involved in motherhood, READ MAH BLOG.

I call myself her BAD mother for a reason.

Valmosa said...

This post should be required reading for all teenage girls.

Take heart, there will come a time when you can advance your career.

I went back to college in my late 30s and earned both my bachelor's and master's degrees. I went from being a mom with a job (laundry lady!) to a college administrator and instructor.

Hang in there!

Karen Bodkin said...

This is really sad that mothers continue to be criticized for speaking their minds.

To the OP - I think your feelings are valid and that your husband does need to step up more so you can further yourself in the way you intend to. It will take compromise.

To the people saying she 'chose' this life? So did her husband. You may think that by sinking yourself into motherhood and forgetting yourself completely makes you a martyr, but please come back and tell us in 20 year how fulfilled you are.

Women: we can be mothers, we can be doctors, we can be garbage collectors or foster parents. Whatever we choose to give of ourselves, we need to remember who we are and nourish our souls as such.

Wendy said...

I just had my 3rd baby 10 months ago and there are days I feel exactly like you do (did). I get that you felt this way *at that moment* and needed to get it out. Of course you aren't some terrible person who is making her kids lives miserable!

To all the people who responded so negatively... some of you said she should hire a babysitter or housekeeper. WTF? In today's economy is that even feasible for many people? I personally am stretched to the limit financially, so you're implying that only the wealthy deserve help and understanding.

She needed some encouragement and understanding. That's all she wanted. And to get on here and act like she's such a terrible person is just wrong. This is exactly why there are so few honest bloggers out there. Because when someone writes how they *truly* feel about parenthood they have to deal with stuff like this.

It is HARD to be a mother. It's HARD to know you just have to get through the next TEN YEARS and then you can maybe get some tiny piece of yourself back. None of us are perfect. None of us can always handle the stress of it. Those of us who are smart figure out some way to get it out. Blogging is the answer for many of us.

So get over yourself. If you're a parent of 3 or more you can't tell me you haven't had some of these same thoughts and feelings.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I actually stopped teaching because I could not justify putting other children (120 of them) before my own while my daughter sat at a babysitter for 10-11 hours a day and I busted my butt to get a Masters only to be paid crap and then be plagued by the whole "mommy guilt/wife guilt" issue. I was going to school when my daughter was born- finishing my MST and life was hard. I had four jobs- teacher, mother, homemaker, wife- and my husband- who helped out so much was STILL not as stressed as I. I wanted to be a Graphic Designer for a while, but had to put in on the back burner because it would mean giving up the day job to go to school AGAIN. At least with a day job I could justify it because it was adding money- but going to school again would require more time and more money with no immediate reward.

Women should be able to enter into motherhood and go ahead with our careers and not feel guilty- but our society is still stuck in the early 1900's. Women are not supposed to need more than their children. But the problem is that children cannot and should not define you- if they do then when they become adults you will be left with nothing.

All of this is to say to you that I understand. Those who criticize and tell you to suck it up are ignorant and to be honest, poor excuses for human beings. Don't add another layer of guilt by thinking that you are not normal. You are and we feel you!

Anonymous said...

I noticed in quite a few places in both this blog, and the comments afterwords. Their have been comments about how motherhood is treated like the "bottom of the barrel" or an unimportant job... well that's our fault.

How many decades did we, as women, fight to get into the working class. How long did we say that we don't want to be 50's housewives anymore, we are better than that. And we proved it. We are better than that. So when you choose to be just that.. you aren't better. You are the same stereotype that we fought for decades to get rid of. If you never wanted to be a housewife/mother, then you shouldn't be one.

But if you choose to be one, and yes you had that choice, whether you now regret it or not, do it well. Teach your children respect, courage, give them an education. If you choose to be a housemom from the 50's... then actually be a housemom from the 50's... they raised great respectful children. If you have the time to sit and watch TV, or mess around on the internet while your kids are at home... then you should stop complaining.. because most of us that work jobs... don't get those breaks.

Anonymous said...

Ugh. People. I cannot stress this enough. Wanting a life of your own while also being a parent: Is. Not. Wrong.
Also, parenting is hard. And we are allowed to bitch about it. We are allowed to complain sometimes.
Complaining does not make you a bad parent. It makes you human. We all have those days, (yes-even those who lie and pretend they don't)

You can love your kids, and still want a life, an identity other than just "Mom".
I'm so sick of people telling us we have to sacrifice every last bit of ourselves for our children with a smile or we fail at parenting.
It's okay to want more, it's okay to vent sometimes, and it's even okay to make mistakes and have regrets. Despite what any of these other comments say.

For the original poster- hang in there. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

A very smart male friend of mine once surprised me by saying, "Women have to work twice as hard as men to be in the same place." I couldn't believe a man saw it more clearly than I did. I had forgotten it - and it sounds like you have too. We're all of us moms in the same predicament. Give yourself more credit - you deserve it.

Miss Britt said...

Wow. I am shocked at the responses to this post.

Your kids should be adopted? Someone should call child services? Really?

How about "listen, it's hard. I know. It gets easier. You can find balance. Stop, breathe, get some perspective, everything's going to be OK."

Is that not better and more productive for these "poor kids" that strangers on the Internet feel so sorry for??

Unknown said...

Hey I"m with you. Take your life and do something with it!! I have 4 and have been at home with them for 15 years. I got a partime job, and the opposition from my parents and husband was unbelievable. It almost broke up my marriage. I persevered...

Then a job opportunity came up which I was "experience" qualified for. They would not even consider my b/c I had no formal training in that field. Never mind that i had been doing the work for 3 years...I actually did the job while they hired someone for the position, and then trained the one they hired. Talk about unfair.

So...I am starting school soon to get my degree. I am fast tracking through the course b/c I have kids and do have to spend time with family. It costs more to fast track but it's going to be worth it. My husband has had to reevaluate whether he likes this new me and whether he can live with me. I am happier, but the road isn't done yet. We are working on a more equal job balance at home. it's rough but I'm confident it will be ok.

I am overwhelmed by the "mommy, mommy" some nights, but just remember in the morning I will be heading to school to do what I love. Even if it's only for half a day 4X a week.

Anonymous said...

I love the idea that social services is going to step in and intervene when a mom feels depressed and resentful. Give me a break. They are out there dealing with kids who are beaten and starved. Everyone, moms included, has a right to their feelings, and it is perfectly possible to feel like hell but put on a good face for the kids while you figure out how to get a different life. This poster is not abusive or unkind, just tired.

And is it fair that women are dumped with the 24/7 version of motherhood whether they work or not, while men get all puffed up if they so much as change a diaper? I think not. The women's movement was a failure, if you ask me -- because originally, feminists were asking not only to be let into the workforce, but for affordable, government-subsidized childcare. And 30 years later, here we still are. This country doesn't give a crap about children, and mothers bear the brunt of that.