Dear Sister In Law

Posted By Anonymous

Dear Sister-In-Law,

Our mother-in-law is on her deathbed, yet you still can't put away the pettiness that has plagued our relationship from day one. From the beginning, we have done our best to welcome you into the family. Yet from the beginning you have treated me coldly, found one reason after another to confirm your belief that we are intentionally excluding you from the family.

Normally, I would shrug this off and continue to take the high road. I would say that if you want to allow your pettiness to keep you from allowing yourself to be welcomed and accepted into our family, then it's your problem. But this time you've crossed the line. And I can't just shrug it off because it is impacting the people I love.

You are driving down here with your husband to visit our mother-in-law. I think this is a good thing. I really do. I am happy you were able to put things aside enough to make the trip. It what is best for both her and you. It is also what is best for your husband, who needs your love and support right now. But, my husband received a call this morning saying that because you are coming, and you can't put aside your petty grievances, you won't be staying with us. And, even though we cleared our schedules to be with family at this time, we are left hanging because you don't want to see us. And even though we canceled our dinner reservations (our first night out since the baby was born to celebrate my birthday) so we could spend time with family, we can't count on that because you do not want to see us.

And again, normally I wouldn't let such things bother me, but here's the catch. You don't want to see us, or spend time with us in this critical time. But you want to use my mother's house for free lodging. Even though it made me angry that you wanted to use my family and I in this way, I called my mother and asked her to open up her house to you, which she was more than willing to do. Because even though I don't think you deserve it, your husband does. And because now, when our Mother-in-law is dying, is not a time for petty grievances. It's a time for family to come together and support each other. So I didn't hesitate to call my mother on your behalf.

And even though it makes my blood boil to know that upon hearing that I was upset about my family being used, you turned everything on me, saying you had to get a hotel instead of staying at my mom's because I was uncomfortable with you staying there (something I never said or even implied). That even after all this, you are still finding ways that things are my fault, that I am the one being unreasonable, that I deserve your ire and stubborn silent treatment.

Given all this, I can still look past your pettiness. I can even swallow my pride and allow you to use me and my family so you and your husband can have a place to stay during this difficult time. But what I can't shrug off is the way your stubborn pettiness is fracturing this family at a time we need to be coming together. I can't look the other way while you prevent my husband from being able to be with his brother right now, to have him to lean on and to be there to be leaned on in return. I can't pretend it's all ok when you are leaving him to go through this without any other family to help him through this.

And it makes me angry that at the same time, you are leaving your husband to go through this without his brother as well. That because your relationship with him is fragile enough that he feels he has no choice but to take your side, even at the expense of his own brother. Because he knows his brother will forgive and always be there (even after all this crap), but you may not. With all that this family has gone through (the messy divorce that has left strain and tension and now the loss of their mother), your stubbornness and pettiness are robbing these guys we love of the only thing they have left -- each other.

We have tried everything! Hand made Christmas gifts? Check. Knitting lessons? Check. Stocking our cabinets with your favorite foods during visits? Check. Homemade whatever you want to eat? Check. Showing you around and doing whatever you want to do? Check. And this is the thanks we get. You have hijacked this family. It is always about you. Even with our mother-in-law dying, when it should be about her and about our husbands and coming together as a family, it's about you.

But I will never say these things to you. I will continue to do my best to keep the peace and not add further strain to our family. I will keep taking the high road and not give you any more "proof" that I'm the bad guy. I will continue to welcome you when you'll let me. Because that's what this family deserves. Maybe one of these days you'll realize that. And for the sake of our husbands, I can only hope you don't cause irreparable harm before then.