Monday, January 26, 2009

You

Posted by Anonymous.

I hate what I become when I am around you. I become a bitch. And with good reason, but it stays with me. For days. It gives you too much power. Way too much power over me. And I hate that.

You. You who was addicted to crack, benzos, pain killers. Hard core. $1400 in a week and half hard core. You who did it while your kid, my nephew, was in the house. You, who I entrusted with my kid when you were first starting using without my knowledge. You, who I discovered later, drove my kid in your car while you were high. You. Because of you, I am a bad mother. For not knowing, for not realizing sooner. Once I found out you were using, my kids have not come close to you alone. While you were in rehab, I put two and two together. You. You stupid bitch. And me.... stupid for EVER having trust you in the first place.

You. I went with you to that meeting. I told you my concerns. I held my tongue about my kids, when I should have punched and spit in your face. You. I was supportive. I told you I did not want you to rush back to that guy. The guy that you had only spent a month "together" with, but have known "forever". The guy that you did all these drugs with... with your kid and my kid in the house. The guy whose brother held a knife to my throat years before (who you were dating at the time. then you changed his name and continued to see him after he held a knife to my throat and slammed me against the wall). I thought you had changed, truly. I just wanted you to get better, dear sister. Wanted you to give it time. I was cautious, but was doing all I could to help you on your path to recovery, including letting the past lie while you were going through this delicate stage in regaining sobriety. I was doing it for you.... for your son.

You. You had the nerve to tell me I wasn't being supportive enough. That I wasn't telling you enough that I was proud of you for quitting, even though I had. Fuck you, bitch. I was giving you all I had considering what you had done. I was on the phone with a counselor for two hours trying to find you a specialist when certain old memories surfaced. I shared caring for your kid while you were in rehab. I told you that I was proud of the changes I was seeing. It wasn't enough for you? Fuck that. I should have walked away from you, never utter a word to you again. You have stabbed me in the back one to many times. And its personal.

You went anyway. You went to that man. In fact, you left your kid crying on the doorstep as you left. Are you a heartless bitch? You say that he is better. You say that he is a good man. He is on parole. How do we know what he is on parole for? How do we know anything about him? How is this formerly codependant relationship going to work? What about your son?

I wrote you. Telling you how pissed I was. You did not respond. You. You wanted me to take sexy pictures in lingere of you. I refused. I don't know where they are going. I will not pay part to your sorid affairs. You went again this weekend, assuming mom would be there no matter what. Not caring you thwarted her plans. You had to leave. You had to leave at a time that you couldn't even attend a function at your son's school for 40 minutes. It crimps your style right. Got to get on the road. You.

They say to you in rehab you have to be "selfish" to get better. While I agree, I don't think that this is what they mean. They mean taking time when you need time. Taking a step back when you need to take a step back. But you still need to own up to your responsibilties. You can't have it both ways. You can't have it so that mom deals with your son, talking to his teacher, feeding him, disciplining him, and just leaving him whenever you want, and then be angry when she is doing that. Kids don't raise themselves you know. You aren't stepping up. She is. You want to do something? You want to have a say in how your son is being raised. Step up. Be there. She is, afterall, letting you stay there while you recover, and you are miserable to her.

You get mad. You get mad because everyone is miserable. No one is mean to you, even if we should be. Yes. We are miserable. Because you continue to make bad decisions, even if you are not using. You do things that worry us. You throw them in our faces. It is "your decision" and the rest of us don't matter, us giving you good advice or no. we have to trust you. Trust that you are clean. Like you have EVER told the truth about that this whole time....secretive and hiding. And it doesn't matter that you essentially abandon your son in the process (even if he is living with grandmom....you are still the mom..... and you technically still have custody) And we are supposed to be what, happy? Not get cranky when, after calmly investing so much time into this, our advice, kind words, support is thrown away? Damn straight, we are cranky. And yet, you. You think it is all about you. That we are to give and give and give until you get better. Well, you know what, it doesn't work that way. You can reguratate all that you want from your meetings and call it recovery. I call it being a parrot. And while that might be semi-helping you get through each day, you are missing so much of the point.

You have NO RIGHT to get indignant with me, with mom. Or to con anyone else in the process.

You. I have supported you. You. You could have killed my daughter. You. My naive lack of awareness to YOUR issue in the beginning has made me question myself as a mother so much more than you will ever know. It is a job I take VERY VERY seriously. You. You fucked it all up. You. You essentially gave up your son for drugs, for a man. And you want him back, but maybe not enough to really do what needs to be done to get him back, not enough to do right by him. Not enough that his second grade teacher know who you are. Not enough to take him to a school function. Not enough to not leave when he is crying for you not to go.

You. My reaction each time I see you lasts for days. You. I am done with you, recovery or no. You may be clean, but your overall actions aren't speaking to me. I have been burned too many times by you. We are done, sister. But the real sucky thing is that we love your son. He is my daughter's best friend, and he loves her too. It is UNFAIR to him to punish him for your fucked up actions. I will continue to be a force in his life, and he is welcome always here. You, however, I cannot be a force in yours any longer. It is toxic. I rid myself of you.

Audience, what would you do about my nephew? How would you handle that situation (we are not letting him back with her unsupervised). I mean, how would you handle the friendship that my daughter and him have and me wanting to be a positive force in his life... without having to deal with her?

12 comments:

Mr Lady said...

I don't know that there's anything you CAN do, so long as his mom has custody. And that sucks.

I'm so sorry for you.

Amy said...

It sounds like your mom has custody of your nephew - at least for now. I think she should seek permanent custody. Then you can see him as you need to, and write your sister off entirely. If your mom doesn't have custody, I think you need to do whatever it takes to get your nephew away from your sister.

I know you're hurt too, but right now protecting him (and your own kids) needs to be your top priority.

Amy

Anonymous said...

I don't know if there is anything you can do. I don't think there is a magic answer, but how I wish there was. I wish there was a magic answer that I could just fix everything, but I can't. I'm sorry my love and I'm hoping that things get better.

Anonymous said...

I think you or your mom should seek custody. It sounds like the two of you are the only stabilizing, loving forces in his life; it needs to be legal. His mom should have no hold over him. I hope it all works out, for you and your daughter and your nephew and your mom.

ewe are here said...

Call social services. Call them. And if they won't listen to you on the phone, go to their offices and make them. Bring any documentation you have about her activities, her history, and that of the men in her life. Apply to be the kids' guardian yourself if you can.

YOu might seek legal advice at a legal clinic as to how to go about getting guardianship under the circumstances.

You will never forgive yourself if you don't try every way you can think of to get your nephew away from his mother, especially if he ends up dead, hurt or 'just' seriously screwed up if he stays with her.

Anonymous said...

This is almost exactly like my situation with my sister and nephew. Luckily my nephew's father is a great man and stood up and took custody and now my nephew has a happy and stable home, while my sister (post-rehab) is jobless and couch surfing at friends houses, still, at 40. My sister talks about wanting her son back, but she can't even take care of herself. I've essentially cut ties with my sister, because I can't handle her drama or her constant requests for financial help. I love her, but I just can't be there to support her, emotionally, physically or financially. The main focus HAS to be the child in these situations. Call the cops if you have to, remember she has to reach rock bottom before she realizes she needs to change.

Anonymous said...

I would apply to the courts for custody of my nephew, and make him a brother to my daughter. Would she (your sister) and the dad waive parental rights? Or sign them over voluntarily to you or your Mom? A visitation schedule can be set up for your nephew to see his Mom...

And are you sure your sister is still clean? Because she sure doesn't sound clean or rational in her behavior or priorities.

Can you get your nephew into counseling, through school, or wherever?

Good luck. Stay strong for your nephew, and if that means your sister is not around, that is OK.

Candy said...

It's horrible when a sibling does this stuff...I know a little about that. Had a brother who was a drug addict most of his adult life, and who turned to crime to pay for it. He's gone now. A victim of his own lifestyle.

As for your nephew, I think it depends on how old he is. Is he old enough to understand his mom is sick and she needs his love and support but she can't take care of him right now? There's no way he's going to come out of this unscathed but I think honesty is the best. Explain it as best you can. The not knowing is going to lead him to assume she stays away because she doesn't want him. In my opinion.

Pollyanna said...

Okay. I SOOOO feel for you. OHMYWORD. You are talking about my sister practically. And I have no good answers. My sister basically let us with her daughter when Kendra was 5. Kendra had lived with Tawnia, my sister,and my parents for almost her whole life, but when she was 5 Tawnia dropped her off and just didn't come back for about 5 years. Well, she came back but only long enough to really screw everything up. It's a long story. And my Mom fought REALLY hard to get custody of Kendra and was never able to do it, even with a lawyer's help, because Tawnia would not give up custody. So, the whole family has basically just did whatever we could to keep Kendra safe and to have a relationship with her. It's been a long road and it's been so very painful. I will not lie to you.

Kendra is now 17 and a complete and total mess. She has had years and years of counseling and everything her heart desired, including a very loving and supportive family, but what she wanted most of all was a relationship with her Mom. And her mom is a heroin addict who is severely mentally ill. It hasn't exactly worked out that way. To add to the drama Kendra has 2 little brothers who live in a bad situation with their father and there isn't anything we can do about that either. I am not telling you all this to be a Debbie Downer, but telling you my experience. God knows I hope it all turns out 100% differently for you.

Had I the chance to do it all over again I really do not know if I would have forged such a tight bond with Kendra or let my kids become so attached to her. I really don't. I love Kendra like my own child, I really do she lived with us for 2 years when she was 13, but it has been very exhausting and heartbreaking. HOWEVER, I know in my heart that I have done everything I can for Tawnia, my sister, and Kendra both. And that helps me sleep a tiny bit better at night. There is nothing worse than the what if's or maybe-if-I-would-have's...

Anyway, please email me anytime if you would like to chat. I am so very sorry you are going through this. It sucks. And it's so very unfair.

Big hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for a very eloquent post on what it's like to share a blood tie with a user.

My brother's a former junkie, now clean for a few years (as far as I know). After all the wreck he's put the family through, it's still all about him, and how much he needs us to be positive.

I just wish he'd give us something to be positive about.

j said...

My heart hurts for you.

I don't have any good suggestions for how to not deal with your sister, but I just wanted to say that I am strongly in favor of you (and your daughter) remaining in your nephew's life as much as and as best you can.

I was in my 20s when my mom became an alcoholic. The persistent lies, the selfishness with recovery, the feelings of betrayal with every relapse, the loneliness and isolation I felt in not being able to talk about it all with my friends or even my long-term boyfriend (because, honestly, it's hard to understand what it's like to be related to an addict unless you actually are)... it hurt so much, even as an adult child-of-an-alcoholic. The realization that I no longer trusted my own mother was unbearable.

You are obviously hurting in all of this, and it's so very important that you take care of yourself and your own feelings. And your daughter's safety. But, if you can, continue to be there for your nephew. (Perhaps there is no question you'll still be there for him, I just want to lend my support of that.) He probably needs/will need positive mother-type influences like you in his life. He needs/will need someone to trust. And he probably will appreciate that his friendship with your daughter is a safe one in which he can express his own feelings about his mom and her actions; your daughter, depending on how aware she is of the situation, may be able to offer an understanding that your nephew's other friends will not.

But don't forget to take care of yourself in all of this. That's important.

I wish you peace.

(and fyi, AlAnon has some good short writings on detachment. I found them to be incredibly helpful.)

Anonymous said...

At the very least, maybe you could go to an Al-Anon meeting. It won't change your sister, but it might help for you to have some support. As for your nephew, I don't know how much it would cost or what would be involved, but yes, I agree that you and/or your mom should try to get custody of him, even if temporary.

Good luck. And really, try Al-Anon.