Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Keep Away

Posted by Anonymous.

I don't want any part of my boyfriend's four children. We have been dating for over a year and every time he asks me to meet them, I have an excuse ready. They are a constant reminder that he had another life with another woman, and that our life can never be our own. I know I sound really insecure, and I am about this, but I can't help resenting them, the time he has to spend with them and the way my life (if I stay with him) has already been decided for me. I'm not sure I want to have four step-children. I don't have any children of my own and I want our own life with our own baby, one that doesn't include four children that honestly, I don't care about. They're not mine and I don't want them. This is the only issue we have in our relationship. At Christmas, I went to my family's and he actually went to his ex-wife's house to see his kids. Is it just me or that really inappropriate? I think if you are in a new relationship, you need to set boundaries, and do things to make the other person feel more comfortable. I love my boyfriend and everything about him, except his children. I am just so sick of having to put my own feelings and desires on hold, because "the kids need me", "the kids..." WHAT ABOUT ME???? I feel like our life together is being held back because of them. What should I do? As I've never been in this situation before, I don't know if after meeting the kids it gets easier, or if I should break up with him? The last thing I want to do is end things with this guy, but I have to do what is best for me in the end.

80 comments:

Anonymous said...

if you feel you will never get over this, then break it off. he won't give up his kids for you, you're selfish if you ask him to, and who wants a life with a miserable girlfriend?
i say love him the way it is or leave him.

Anonymous said...

If you don't want them, they will know it, and you will contribute to screwing them up. You are being selfish. You knew he had 4 kids from the beginning - cut your losses and leave. You aren't being fair to your BF.

Anonymous said...

Those 4 kids are a part of your boyfriend. They didn't ask to be born. Honestly, if you can't accept them now, do yourself and them a favor and break it off. As much as you don't want them, they don't need/want you. Being a step-parent is tough and not everyone is cut out to be one. At least you realize it now.

Anonymous said...

Bottom line: If you can't see yourself as a part of those kid's lives or at least be open to the idea of being a stepmom then you shouldn't be with their father. You shouldn't even meet them.

Anonymous said...

I say meet the kids. It's not so bad. And you can have a built in family without the weight gain, etc that goes along with pregnancy! (At least until you have one of your own) I am a step-mom of a 14 year old. We met when he was 9 and I was 27. I wasn't sure I wanted a built in family, and sometimes it has been a little hard figuring out my place in his life. But, I love his mother dearly (I'm a lesbian, btw) and we have found a way to make it work! Now we are one little family and I love him a lot. It will take a while, but if you're in love, it's definately worth it! You should cut the guy a little slack. These kids are a part of him, literally. They need him as much as you do.

Anonymous said...

You need to break up with him. Today. You are not doing anybody any favors by staying in this relationship. Sucks for both of you, but it is what it is.

Kids are not pets. They are not optional. They don't go away. You might as well imagine that he has four extra heads growing out of his spine, because he sorta does. Ignoring that fact will get harder and harder and have worse and worse repercussions, for all six of you. I say, keep sleeping with him if you want, but also spend serious effort finding someone else, someone without kids, that you can start your own family with. And once you do, you will see this differently. But you will still have made the right choice and done the right thing. For yourself. For him. And for his kids.

NGS said...

I had to break it off with an old flame once because of this very reason. I realized that I didn't want to be third priority after his children and ex-wife and that I would always be if I stayed with him. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be number one, but it's never going to happen if the guy you're with has children from a previous relationship.

I never met his kids, but they seemed precious and cute and I didn't like them before I ever met them.

I realized it wasn't fair to him to make him choose between me and his kids. It wouldn't be fair to his kids to be the resentful stepmom. I'm no Julia Roberts. I would have been mean, I would have been sarcastic, I would have left scars. So I broke it off.

Years later I met a man who did make me his number one priority and I am forever grateful I broke up with that man.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Honestly, I am blown away by your selfishness. I'm sorry if that sounds rude, but it's true.

A person's children should ALWAYS come first to them. I don't think it was inappropriate of him to go see his children on Christmas at all- in fact, if he hadn't, that would be a million times worse.

You definitely need to break it off with him if you feel this way. To ask him to limit or change his relationship with his children would be wrong of you, and it seems as if you won't be able to get past this. Many, many children out there have awful relationships with their father, and it shocks me that you would ask him to back away from the good one he has with his kids.

I don't know how he has been able to stay with you this long if you have said things to him like the things you say in here- i.e., "They're not mine and I don't want them."; "I want our own life with our own baby, one that doesn't include four children that honestly, I don't care about."

If you don't care about his children, then you don't fully understand or care for him. Period. If you stay with him and try to force yourself to like them when you really don't, it's just going to cause strain on your relationship and resentment all around.

It sounds to me like you're not ready for the commitment that being with this man entails. His children haven't done anything to you to deserve this type of hate, and they need to have a stepmother in their life who loves them, not one who sees them as a nuisance and doesn't care about them.

Anonymous said...

Going over to his ex's house on the holidays... not selfish. Actually it is the exact opposite... it is selfless and wonderful. If all parents were as concerned about the kids, this world would be a better place. I actually question your selfishness. If you can't handle the 4 kids then you can't handle the BF. Leave before everyone really gets hurt and let this guy meet the right woman that can handle him and his kids. This guys deserves a woman that loves his children.

Ariel said...

I'm sorry, but children come first if he's a good father -if he isn't a good father you should run far away and never think of having a child with him.
As it is, you should probably not date him, because the reality is you can find someone else to date who doesn't have kids, and he can find someone to date who wants the whole package. He is a package deal.
Life is too short to always be resenting something, especially 4 innocent children who deserve all the love they can get.
KIDS ARE HARD. Step kids can be wonderful and they can be hell and they can be both. But so can your own kids.
As you say- this part is already decided for you if you stay.
It's really hard having parents that are divorced. It's even worse having your dad date someone who hates you- I've been there. And I was a sweet, easy child prepared to love anybody. I didn't deserve the way that woman treated me. My dad dumped her.
I suggest you tell your boyfriend how you feel.
I suspect if you make him feel like he has to choose, if won't be you.
And he gives up the kids for you- then he's a slime, and why would you want him? If he'd abandon those kids, he'd abandon yours.
Would you want your children treated like they were dirt?

So either end it, or meet them with an open heart and love them.

Be honest. Because if you don't then you have 6 broken hearts- yours, his and theirs.

Kay said...

Wow... other than NGS, apparently everyone wants to be anonymous on this one :). Can't say I blame them.

Look... you know yourself. Do you think there's ANY chance of you actually changing your mind about liking the kids?
If there is, then meet them. Get to know them. You might even like them. But if that's the case, you have to realize that his kids will ALWAYS come first, and that's a good thing. It's a sign that he's a decent guy and a good father. That's how it should be. If you love him, you need to take steps to realizing that he's a package deal, and making an honest effort with the kids.
If you're adamant that you don't want to be a stepmom, then it's time to walk away. Because if he has to choose between you and his kids... chances are it's not going to be you. And if it is you? Then you really have to wonder about his priorities and whether or not he'd be a good father to kids you may have together.

Yes, you're being selfish. But at least you're being grown up enough to realize that and look at things realistically. His relationship with his kids might "intrude" on his relationship with you, but they're not a threat to you, you don't have to compete with them. He can love you and them at the same time...

I wish you the best in figuring this out.

Ariel said...

I might add that my dad is a complete asshole and dumping the one woman who treated me like shit was actually one of the nice things he did as a parent. There weren't many. Possibly if his girlfriends had paid more attention to how he treated his kids then they might have wasted less time.
He eventually remarried a really awesome woman (he tricked her!)- we called her our evil step mommy and adored her- They divorced and I still love her, and don't see my dad anymore. A step mom/kid can become one of your best friends. You never know.

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe he hasn't broken it off with you. If he was any kind of father he would know down to his toes that his kids ARE #1 and will ALWAYS BE #1 in his life. They are his CHILDREN! You are an adult. (I think?) They should have daddy's undivided and unconditional love and support. They should be able to live with him in the times that is the best thing for them. They should be the first things he calls and sees on holidays, school event days, and ANYDAY. They are his to provide, protect and grow until they are adults.

I cannot even begin to understand how someone who claims to love a person and even wants to have a child with him could be so narcisistic and insecure. If his children weren't number one in his life he would not be a man worth being with. Count yourself lucky.... and grow up.

Anonymous said...

I think you need to walk away honestly. You will never be happy & honestly, those are his children and always will be and he should be there for them. You got into the relationship knowing about his children, you either need to grow up or move on. The children did not ask for the life that has been handed to them, so let their father find a woman who will love them as well.

Anonymous said...

"I love my boyfriend and everything about him, except his children."

Eesh. Run, run, run away! I agree with all the others who have said that it's best if you break it off before it gets entangled with his kids' lives. Because it will always be about them.

Maybe a little self-reflection would be beneficial? It sounds like you are committed to finding a partner, but working through those parameters with a qualified professional (e.g., therapist) may be very helpful for you all. Best of luck.

Hayley said...

I'm glad you're realizing that you need to leave. It's the only grown up thing you said in the entire post. Coming from someone who had a wonderful stepfather, but a horrible stepmother who hated us even though we tried to be perfect for her- those kids don't deserve your resentment, and you don't deserve to be a part of their family.

Ariel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

You are immature and selfish. You're having normal feelings in an abnormal proportion. You should ADORE a man who puts his children first, not revile him. And the kids? I hope they never meet you, you're awful.

They deserve better - and so does this man apparently.

It's quite obvious you're not a mother yet. Will you be jealous of your own children?

You scare me.

Barbara said...

Run, don't walk away.

You should NOT be in this relationship. It sounds to me like your guy is one of the good ones, but not a good fit for you.

His kids will ALWAYS be a part of his life. Wouldn't you expect the same thing if you had children with him? Would you want to be with a guy who could "throw away" his kids? Really?

I want to judge you, and you would not do well with that judgment, but that wouldn't be fair. I don't know you. I will say that I think you already know the answer. Meeting the kids won't help, and neither will dragging this out with your boyfriend.

Do the thing that will be right for everyone involved, and move on. Find someone who can devote the attention to you that you are looking for, and let him and his children do the same.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Please, please, walk away from this man and his responsibilities. Nothing should ever come between the relationship of a parent and his or her children. Children are priority number one, always. If you do not recognize this, then walk away now. Any man who would not make his children his number one priority is not really a very good man or father.

Anonymous said...

Do these poor kids and their father a favor and walk away from him today.

You're selfish and immature, and they don't deserve to have you "trying" to get over your issues with jealousy and resentment at their expense. Neither does their father.

Speaking as a parent, you're definitely not ready for a baby of your own. You're not ready to put someone else's needs before your own.

Anonymous said...

I am with everybody else - you sound selfish. Once you have a child, this child becomes your entire world and this applies to fathers too. You should be ashamed of yourself. Please break up with him and I hope you spend the rest of your life alone thinking about what you might have missed out on.

Michelle said...

I agree with everyone else. Leave now.

You don't understand because you don't have children yourself, and that's okay. It's okay for you to be selfish. But it's not okay for him to be.

If he is a good father he will always choose his children over you. That is just the way it is and the way it should be.

Leave.

All Things BD said...

I agree with the other comments. He will always put his children, and possibly his ex-wife first, which he SHOULD. It's completely reasonable for him to spend time with them on holidays and family events. If he didn't, you shouldn't want to be with that kind of man anyway.

I do think it's okay to be selfish about what you want from a relationship. You want to be #1 in a man's eyes. You want him to put you and any future children first. Nothing wrong with that.

Now you need to go forth and find a good man who can actually be those things to you, because this one never will be. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I guess it took guts to actually post this. I agree with all of the other commenters-LEAVE!! You are so selfish-AT LEAST the kids never met you. I'm sure they would have been able to sense your dislike for them-they don't deserve that! I have 2 young children of my own, and once you become a parent, any ounce of selfishness needs to go out the window. By the sounds of your post you are SO selfish that it will be quite a while for you to be ready to be a mother. Leave him now-if not, you should grow up real quick!

Anonymous said...

It is beyond me how you can claim to be so in love with this man, but do not care one bit about his children. How have you hidden this from him for over a year?

a) you are a really good actress

b) he is really gullible

c) he doesn't care that you don't like his kids (this one I doubt)

I really would like to know HOW you have gotten away with such behavior for so long!!!

Anonymous said...

Look, I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to date someone with kids. I have friends that will not. And that is the choice they have made and they are fine with it so fine. But you've been dating this man FOR OVER A YEAR. You knew how you felt about this long before now. His kids should always be the priority. And I think it is incredibly selfish of you to even stay in the this relationship. And frankly I'm shocked that he has. You DO NOT "love your boyfriend and everything about him" if you don't love his kids. Please break up with him before you cause some serious damage to others.

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone else. Break up with him immediately.

If you don't want to date or marry a man with kids, that's your choice. But THEN DON'T DO IT. His kids aren't going to go away.

I dated when I had two young kids, and I met men who didn't want to see me because I had kids. I was glad they were honest. I ended up marrying the greatest guy in the world...one who adores my kids (almost) as much as I do, who would never resent me for having a life before we met, and we work together to make our family as happy as possible.

Give your boyfriend the chance to meet someone like that. You aren't it for him.

Amy said...

You need to break it off with this guy now. His kids aren't going anywhere. Unless you're prepared to keep making excuses until the youngest child is 18, and to put your entire life (your possibilities of finding someone without an ex and four kids, your hope of having your own family, etc.) on hold until the last child leaves home and then you can have him all to yourself, you need to leave him. Now.

Even when the last child leaves home, though, they will still be a part of his life. You don't want to share. Well, guess what - you're going to have to share him forever, so you need to let him go and find someone with whom you can build the kind of life you want.

It's only going to get worse from here - if you get married and combine finances, and then HIS kids want/need some of YOUR money to get braces, books, go to the prom, etc. you are going to resent the hell out of every penny. You already resent the time he spends with them. God forbid you two have a child of your own, too. That will just complicate everything further. Money, holidays, who gets what, he gets this while she gets that. It will get ugly, fast. Take it from someone who came from a divorced and blended family. It's hard enough when everyone likes each other.

RUN. Now. Find some guy who is unattached. If you get further involved with this family (remember, YOU are the outsider here), with the attitude you have, you are only going to make their lives miserable, not to mention your own.

Amy said...

By the way, when I was unmarried, I wouldn't get involved with anyone who had kids, either. And now that I'm married and have two kids, if something were to happen to my husband, I would not get involved with anyone else. It's too risky, for too many reasons (particularly because I have two daughters).

I don't begrudge you wanting to be your boyfriend's one and only - I would do the same if I were dating. However, this specific man is not YOUR boyfriend, he's THEIR father. And he always will be.

Don't date guys with kids anymore. Seriously. Don't even start. Not even one coffee date. Make this a rule and stick to it. Don't even give yourself an opportunity to fall in love with someone who has children, because you don't want step-kids. That's FINE, but if it's the case then you need to stay away from guys who have kids. Easy solution. Start with this one, and stay away.

Anonymous said...

I love these comments! And I agree. You boyfriend has 4 kids already. He doesn't need another one. You need to leave this relationship before you damage these kids!

Tina said...

I keep flip-flopping over what it is I want to say... but it seems to me that there have already been numerous, 'you are selfish, and leave now' comments, so I'll say this instead:

I get the impression you are young. Younger than your boyfriend at the very least, and you just haven't come to the point in life where there are things that come before you and your wants/needs. There is nothing wrong with that. At all. After all, that is what your parents have done for you already right? Put YOU first? (Don't resent him for trying to do what is best for his kids.)

If you are feeling this way, about him and his kids, you should tell him. And if you can't muster up the courage to say those things outloud, to his face, you are not equipped to go any further in this relationsip. You have already been dishonest about your feelings with him for too long. You can't be someone you aren't. And it is a waste of time and energy pretending.

While honesty is the best policy, that does not mean you get what you want. But it will probably be what is best for everyone involved. At least then he can make an informed decision, even if you aren't willing to do it.

I hope things work out for the best. For everyone involved, because this isn't just about you anymore.

Anonymous said...

The best thing for you in the end is to leave. In fact it is the best thing for you, for your boyfriend and his kids.

It was not inappropriate for him to see his kids on Christmas - it is inappropriate for you to expect otherwise.

You don't want any part of his kids, but that will never happen. They will always be a priority in his life, as they should be. Asking him to choose between you and them is only going to cause a lot of heartache for all of you.

It's OK for you to feel this way, but if you feel this way, this is not the relationship for you.

Anonymous said...

This is not something that's going to go away, and his kids are a big pafrt of his life, as they should be. I am rarely harsh with anyone who posts here, but honestly, you sound selfish. what about you? What about you? How about you either figure out that they are kids and not baggage and learn to love them or else leave before you screw with them or their father and the emotions of all five.

motherbumper said...

I'm posting this on behalf of Catherine/Her Bad Mother who hosts The Basement. She has limited internet access due to her laptop being smashed by Hulk-child.Constructive criticism and advice are good, but try to be sparing. Use "selfish" carefully and don't wish the poster ill.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I won't say selfish then...I'll just say do everyone a favor and take a hike.

js said...

I have to agree with everyone. Leave. Like someone else said, you knew he had children from the beginning. If that's not something you are ok with, it shouldn't have gone this far. A parent should always put their children first. His children aren't going anywhere. I think it's perfectly acceptable that he spent the holiday with his children. That's the way it should be. I have been in relationships with men who have children and that is one of the things that draws me to them. You should be concerned about a man who has children and ISN'T a part of their life. That is not the kind of man you would want for the father of your children. This will never work out the way you want it to. Four children is a lot to take on as a step-mom, and if you don't like them, the load will be that much harder to carry.

Adelas said...

Yep. I think everyone else pretty much said it, but I just wanted to sign my name here basically so if you counted up the number of responses I'd be included among those in agreement.

I think the two comments that sum it up best for me are Anonymous from 10:48 AM ("they are part of him") and Barbara ("do you want to be with someone who would throw his kids away?")

Anonymous said...

No, it won't get easier after you meet the kids. I dated a fellow with 2 young boys under 5 before I had had any children. I had the same kinds of feelings and thoughts - what about me? why can't we have more time together? I met his children early on (looking back, it was premature)and no, it didn't make me want to be a stepmom. Now I have a 4 year old and I totally get why he prioritized his kids. And looking back, I'm embarrassed at how immature and unworldly I was about the situation. Bottom line - the best thing to do is find a man without kids to meet your needs. your boyfriend's children have gone through a tough time with mom and dad divorced and the last thing they need is for their dad to bring someone home who resents them. Please try to put yourself in the childrens' shoes and imagine how you would feel as one of his kids in this situation. I hope you realize that the solution is to leave this relationship and move on.

Amy said...

Not wanting to beat a dead horse, but if you don't even want to know his kids, let alone LOVE them, then get out of the relationship now. Sorry.

Jenni said...

LET HIM GO! He needs to be spending time on his kids and you obviously don't want to have anything to do with them. It's better for everyone if you just let him go.

mythoughtsonthat said...

Leave! Leave now! The End.

flutter said...

The kids are more important than you are, and they should be. If you want to be the top priority in your relationship, find a man without children.

Godspeed.

Anonymous said...

I haven't read all the comments, so I don't know all that's been said, but I just want to say...I don't think you're being selfish or insecure. I also don't blame you. Were it me? I'd want my boyfriend/husband all to me and I'd want that for my future kids. I don't think I could do it either...marry a guy with 4 kids that weren't mine. I have 3 kids of my own and that's a lot. 4 is even more. Find a man that can give ALL his time to you. In the end, I'm sure you'd be happier. But then? I don't know this guy your with. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

For the sake of all of you, let's hope HE has the intelligence to dump YOU. Of course he went to the ex's house for Christmas. It's not like he could plan the day with you and the kids, with your attitude. You are obviously not all that in love with him, or you'd love ALL of him, and step families are hard enough when you want them.

Anonymous said...

break up with him *now* - you'll be doing everyone involved a huge favor, and in my opinion it would be actually a wonderfully unselfish act. and next time, look for a man who doesn't have kids. plain and simple.

Kandee said...

End it. Now.

The kids will always win over you. They eventually grow up and have more control over their own lives and will probably be in his life more (because he sounds like a FANTASTIC dad) and there's no way in hell he's going to shove their relationship aside for you.

They were there before you. They will be there after you.

No one is asking you to give up your friends, family, dreams, desires, so why are you asking that of him? You are entitled to want to start off with a guy fresh, both of you going through things together. But his ship has already sailed and you can't turn back time. Some see that as a great thing. Others don't. Know which category you fit in and stop trying to put a ball in a square hole.

Anonymous said...

Get out! He had the kids before he had you. Being a father is something he cannot change. If you aren't willing to accept that, it's time to move on.

CatrinkaS said...

And, by the way, you wouldn't actually want the guy that doesn't put his kids first.

He's not a good person.

Anonymous said...

These comments are pretty harsh. I do agree with the basic message behind them, if not the choice of words.

It was totally appropriate for him to spend the holidays with his children. It was inappropriate for you to think otherwise.

You have been with him for a year, and you know that the kids aren't going anywhere. You're being honest with yourself, which I commend, and you know that you don't want them around.

You need to end this relationship.

Anonymous said...

Um, wow. Does he know you feel this way? If so, I am surprised he is still with you. You don't have kids, so let me clue you in on something, children ALWAYS come first. A parent's duty is to their child. Not some selfish, insecure girlfriend who is threatened by a father's love for his children. You say that you want to have a baby with him. Would you want him to forget about that child should the relationship not work out? I think you need to do some serious growing up.

Ali said...

My ex had a girlfriend just like you and it all ended in tears for the two of them. I actually refused to let her see my son because of the attitude she had towards him.

My ex comes every Christmas and he's now come to the realization that if his current gf has a problem with it, then that's her problem. She's an adult and our son is a child -- children come first.

My cousin, her kids, her husband and his two kids plus his ex wife and her new husband all have Christmas together, go on holiday together. They understand that the kids are the priority and that there's nothing to fear from anyone.

You need to walk away and do some growing up. You sound very young and very insecure. He's not right for you, and if you meet those kids you will destory them. Do you want to be the evil step mother who wrecks their lives?

Anonymous said...

You need to end the relationship now for HIS sake, his and his childrens'. He and his children deserve someone who wants and loves them all to be a part of their life.

And I suggest you don't date anyone else with children. It's not fair to them.

Anonymous said...

I really think you need to call this off. You're not going to be happy in this situation and it's only going to hurt the kids in the end. If you married this guy, and always resented his kids...what can I say? That's not fair. Not fair to the kids and not fair to the guy who's been up front with you.

Move on.

Anonymous said...

Not only do I think you need to end this relationship now, I also feel very strongly that you should think long and hard about the person you'd like to marry someday. Make a list of the qualities, if necessary: nice to have/must have/doesn't matter. Be honest with yourself about what truly matters to you and you'll save yourself and others a lot of heartache in the long run.

Things on my "must have" list included, among other things: same religion as me, no kids, nonsmoker. If someone didn't meet those three criteria, I DIDN'T DATE HIM. When you're dating to find a husband/wife/life partner, why set yourself up to fall in love and then realize it won't work? Just don't start and you won't have that problem.

Best of luck to you and your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend.

Anonymous said...

This is a trick post right?
I mean come on.
WTF are you thinking?

Mamalang said...

I am a stepmom. I not only have a stepdaughter, but I have raised her with my husband for the last 12 years. It hasn't been easy, but I love her.

I know that it's hurtful to hear that you are selfish, but you are...and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't think it's bad to know what you do and don't want. But you cannot have him all to yourself. You never will. If that is what you want, then he isn't the right man for you. And that's hard...you love him, and it will hurt to leave. But it isn't fair to anyone to continue this relationship as long as you feel this way about his children.

Everyone has the right to live their life on their own terms. Think about how much you resent his time with them...and then think about how much he will resent you when you make him choose. Can you really live the life you want with him, especially if he grows to resent you and you continue to resent his previous life?

I think you know what you need to do, but you were hoping that someone would tell you that you were wrong. We all do that.

LAVANDULA said...

he sounds like an amazing dad and would be a good father but you are not being very kind.or understanding of him.or his children.if you want to be numero uno then you need to find a man without children.they will always be part of his life.you can;t change that.but you can try and give his children a chance to see how much they mean to him.and maybe you would grow to love and care about them.don't cut yourself short.and if you reaslly can't change your feelings about them then LEAVE.

litanyofbritt said...

you will never be, and shouldn't be, #1 in his life. at best you could only hope for being #6.

you are wasting your time and his if you expect anything from this relationship. and you will DESTROY the lives of 4 kids who didn't ask to be born, have their parents split, and be the bane of their dad's new girlfriend's existence. obviously he doesn't know you feel this way or he would have already broken it off.

i agree that you seem very young, and new to this whole adult dating situation. a year is such a SMALL investment in the grand scheme of relationships. find yourself a man without kids to lavish attention on you. nothing wrong with that!!

wanting to be the world to somebody is not selfish. resenting innocent children for existing in a life you frankly have no business being involved in IS selfish. you put yourself in this position, now get yourself out before you really do some serious damage. seriously. right now! or just tell him how you really feel and let him do the honors.

you are wasting precious time in a relationship that you will NEVER NEVER be happy in. you have no right to make his kids collateral damage.

i really hope you find someone who is a better match for you, and i hope you have the decency to allow him and his family the same.
good luck!

shana said...

I didn't read all the comments so forgive me if I am repeating what others have said.
1. I married a man with 4 children from a previous marriage (2 step and 2 biological).

2. I knew, because common sense told me and he told me, that they were a priority in his life. If this weren't true I wouldn't have stuck around because I have always wanted a husband who puts his family first. He made it clear that there was a good chance that the kids would end up living with us...even the step-kids. A week before we got married three of them lived with us.

3. I love children. I loved his children before I meet them and even more after and even more every.single.day.since.

4. He loves me so much and I have NEVER felt like I wasn't a priority in his life.

5. Leave him. It isn't meant to be.

Good luck...I hope you find someone who puts you first and then your family first when you have kids.

Anonymous said...

Think about it this way. What if you were a child, and it were your dad? Wouldn't you want to see your dad on Christmas? Wouldn't you expect to be very important in your father's life?
Then decide.

Anonymous said...

You need to leave this relationship as soon as possible. Speaking from experience the siutation will never get better and if you have children of your own then they will always be compared to his other 4 which will only make you more resentful.

Anonymous said...

"At Christmas, I went to my family's and he actually went to his ex-wife's house to see his kids. Is it just me or that really inappropriate?"

It's "just you" sweetheart. He did the *exact right thing* putting his children first. They need him, and they need him during their formative years, which they will never get back.

You are supposed to be an adult, able to delay gratification, put your desires on hold a bit, think of the needs and best interests of others.

His kids didn't ask to be brought into this world, nor to have him as a father. He has an obligation to do the best he can with a situation he created. You have an obligation to either learn to love his kids as you would your own, or to back off and give them a chance to have a step mom who will do so. Or to enjoy their single father, without a selfish girlfriend demanding that he quit spending time with them.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say the only thing he isn't doing right is dumping you for your immature attitude and selfishness.

Grow up or move on, for the sake of those kids!!!

Jenny said...

You deserve credit for your honesty. I don't know that other people would have been able to admit what you have.

That being said, you need to understand that kids come first ALWAYS. Even if you stayed with him and had a child of your own, he would likely put that child before you. That's the way it is when you have children. That's the way it should be.

For all your honesty, be honest with him. Leave him BEFORE you meet his children.

Karen said...

I can not believe all the judgemental and rude commenters.

You are not selfish. It seems to me that you are smart to think this through and question your future with this man. Not only your future, but the children you want. To everyone who stated "the children should come first". Maybe so, but what about her children she wants in the future. Where do they stand? Will they be first also? Not a chance.

Only you can decide what is best for you. But if you stay, set the ground rules from the start. Take it from the voice of experience. You want to marry him, not his ex-wife or his kids. You are not responsible for them or owe them anything. I wish I knew now want I didn't know then I would have done things so much differently.

All you ex-wives and step kids should stop reading now, I am going to upset you and do not care. The second wife and second family owe you absolutely NOTHING. Your step mother is married to your father, she is not your mother, you have one, she owes you nothing.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you and you can find happiness and peace. Make your feeling perfectly clear, because no matter what the other commenters have stated, you should not have to always be put after his children.

Anonymous said...

Would HATE to have "Karen" for a stepmother! Sheesh!

'canna agree with Karen, she's got it ALL wrong. Wow!

Anonymous said...

You DO NOT have to be biologically related to be a family. To be a functional family you do have to care about each other's well being. Family members are people you love, and people who love you back. Family members celebrate your successes and are happy for you; family members see your challenges and care about you despite those challenges. Family members have your back. I do NOT feel that this poster cares about, or has the back of, the minor children of the man she is dating. The second wife and second family are part of the family of the first children therefore the second family DOES owe these first children all of the rights that all family members owe each other. Get that Karen?

Anonymous said...

I am the person who wrote this post. I thought this forum was a place where we could all be honest about our feelings and situations and not be judged so harshly. It seems you all (with the exception of a few kind readers) think I am the bad person, I'm selfish, on and on and on...What you don't know is that 3 months before we got together, he slept with his ex-wife and got her pregnant. Fast forward a year, and on his ex-wife's facebook page, she had said she had 4 kids (when we met, he told me he had 3). It turns out he had hidden a child from me, a now 3 month baby girl. So forgive me if I am a little resentful. I don't hate the kids like some of you so helpfully pointed out. I think everyone is "selfish" in some way, you know what you want out of life, but sometimes love and feelings and emotions cloud things. I have since forgiven him for hiding his fourth child from me, and am doing the best i can with coming to terms with the children. And believe it or not, the reason I have not met the kids yet is that I do have respect for them and how they must be feeling and how they would feel to meet dad's new girlfriend. None of you know me, so please stop calling me selfish and immature and all the rest of your insults. If you have something constructive to say, I welcome it. But tearing someone down when they're trying to be honest is the opposite of what this site is supposed to be, no? He is a great dad and I respect that. I just think it's unfair that I get the bad rap and he gets away with hiding a CHILD!!! I think I do need to end the relationship, for me and for him and his children. But all of you perfect readers out there aren't helping or supporting me. Not all of us are as perfect as you!!
thanks for reading and for those of you who gave me advice that wasn't at the same time ripping me a new one, thank you, i appreciate your comments.

Anonymous said...

"...four children that honestly, I don't care about...I don't want them..."

You say you don't hate them, but upon reading the words above, YOUR WORDS, what are we to expect. You came her looking for support, what you received was the truth. The attitude reflected in the words above, YOUR WORDS, are psychologically damaging to children, especially when they come from and ADULT in a close sphere of the children's lives. Like it or not, I would call dating their father within a close sphere of their lives. I think family court would too.

Anonymous said...

Hi OP - I've been wondering whether you are reading through the comments. I'm the PP who dated a divorced fellow with 2 boys under the age of 5 and had not had children of my own at the time. It didn't work - I didn't "get" why those boys were a priority, I was angry that they took time away from ME, I wasn't able to care and "mother" them. I really didn't get it - I know EXACTLY what you are going through. That relationship did not work. Four years later, I became a parent. He is now 4 years old. And although I sometimes struggle with wanting "ME" time, wanting the freedom to sleep as late as I want, not have to be accountable to anyone, my son is the most important thing to happen to me and I would lay down my life for him if I had to. When parents write "You will never understand what it's like until you have children of your own" - IT IS TRUE. You realize you can be more selfless with this little person than you have ever been in your life. Commenters calling you selfish? To a parent, it's horrifying to hear someone state she doesn't care about the kids, she doesn't want to get to know them, she's upset that her boyfriend chose to spend Christmas with his kids. And those sort of statements do make you sound selfish, to a parent who would do anything, even die for their kids.

Looking back on the experience dating that fellow with the two young boys, I see I was immature. And yes, I was selfish. Did I think I was selfish at the time? No - I couldn't understand why my boyfriend wasn't making me a priority. I was angry. That relationship didn't work. He could see I wasn't ready to be a parent, couldn't put aside my needs on their behalf. I'm embarrassed at how immature I was - but I just wasn't ready developmentally. You aren't ready to be a parent. You obviously want more from a relationship than playing stepmother and you should have the chance to enjoy the freedom of not having children while you can.

The part about him "hiding a fourth child" - not cool. I'm sure he can tell you aren't into his kids. I'm guessing he is aware that many childless women would have a hard time with the fact that he is a dad - to 3 kids and a baby on the way and he didn't want you to leave. That's not an excuse for his behavior. But neither did you have to forgive him for hiding it from you - it was YOUR choice to stay with him despite his lie (and life) and if you are going to resent anyone, it should be yourself for agreeing to stay with him after making this huge lie - but you can't resent being in a situation where your boyfriend has 4 kids, because it's YOUR choice to remain in it. No one is forcing you to stay.

Good luck OP. I suggest you get feedback and support from non-parents and not from a parenting blog. You need support to get out of this relationship because being a step mom isn't what you want right now. So end it and start enjoying your life the way you want instead of being angry and resentful.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I am not a parent, but I soon will be. I have a step-mother whom my father married after my mom died who I don't get along well with. I tell you this so my biases are clear.

I think in this situation you already know what to do but aren't sure how to do it and are afraid because it will be hard. Sometimes loving someone is not enough. You need to leave.

Being selfish isn't a bad thing – particularly when you are single – it's putting your needs first and recognizing what you can and cannot handle. It is so much better to walk away if you cannot see yourself being loving and supporting to your BF and his children. You will leave scars on these children if you become part of their lives – and you will end up with more baggage. It does not sound like you can let go of the resentment and anger you feel.

I understand you love him but it’s not worth it for you or anyone else to go through the kind of hell that is waiting for you if you continue this relationship. He will not change, and he should not. He should put his children before you and you need more than that – and that’s ok. It’s far better to know it now than latter.

Jill said...

I am sorry that everyone is giving you a hard time. Yes- this is a forum where we can be honest. And hopefully get constructive answers back.

My first husband had 3 children when I married him- and I resented all the times that he put the kids first. It was one of the reasons we split up. Also he was an alcoholic!

Now that I am a parent- I appreciate that he put them ahead of me- and I respect him for it.

Bottom line- fi you resent them now- you will feel worse if you keep on with the relationship. I suggest you find someone who does nto have children and then you can have your very own.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

It's good that you are able to be honest about how you feel, and for your own sake, please break this off. Children need to be loved and wanted, and if you aren't capable of giving them that, and expect their own father to cut that off from them as well, then you need to remove yourself. You sound pretty immature and extremely selfish, and if you could actually expect a child's father to put you before them, then to me, that's just cruel. He will always be tied to his children, and I can't imagine the heartbreak and sadness that would be caused by you trying to break that tie with them. As a matter of fact, I don't even think you should have children yourself - someone who thinks it's ok to deprive four children of a parent for their own selfish needs doesn't really need to enter the world of parenting.

Anonymous said...

Karen 8:55 Did you GET how old the children in the first family are??? They are minors. They are NOT adults. She does owe them something. She owes them many things. Let's start with respect and move on to caring, kindness and how about love? She should choose to LOVE them because it is the right thing to do. Really, I mean really do you understand that they are young children. Do you KNOW what young children need to succeed? I can't believe your quote, here it comes "You want to marry him, not his ex-wife or his kids. You are not responsible for them or owe them anything". Can you please eplain WHY you wrote this?????????????????????????

Anonymous said...

This space is for honesty, not for people to automatically support the writer in her beliefs or choices.

I can't believe he didn't break up with you for thinking it was inappropriate to spend Christmas with his kids, regardless of the fact that that was at his ex-wife's house.

I can't believe you didn't break up with him for hiding the fact that his ex-wife was pregnant and then gave birth to a child of his while you were together.

Maybe you deserve each other, but the kids probably deserve better than either of you.

zchamu said...

I don't have any children of my own and I want our own life with our own baby, one that doesn't include four children that honestly, I don't care about. They're not mine and I don't want them.Sounds to me like the decision is made. While he may be a wonderful man, the reality is he simply isn't what you want out of your life (ie. a happy little life with your own family and no stepchild complications). I think you should do everyone a favour and end things now - this relationship will never, and can never, be what you want it to be. You're also not being truthful with him, it seems, which isn't a good basis for a relationship.

Anonymous said...

Did you know he had kids when you met him? These are things you should decide before getting in a relationship. It seems you have strong feelings about dealing with someone else's children. I don't know how old you are but when we get a certain age in the dating world, every man/woman is going to have "baggage" of some kind, whether children or something else. Maybe you set your standards too high? It is not realistic (and I think you know this I am not hand slapping) to think he would place you in front of his children. Unless you are willing to accept them and your role in their life, since they are an unbreakable package, then you should go.
I am sorry but you seem like a very selfish and nonrealistic person.

Anonymous said...

OK just read comments and saw about the 4th child. It really doesn't change my answer but I did sense you had resentment for some other reason. I don't know why he hid the 4th one from you but it did happen before you. Maybe he doubted it was his? Sometimes the answers we need are not what we want to hear.

Anonymous said...

Oh man oh man is it hard to be the child of a father who marries a woman who resents you. Yes, stepmom, I was here *first* and what on earth were you thinking getting involved with a man who had just dumped an infant and a toddler along with his ex-wife? You have no right to that palatial house and swimming pool while we kids eat peanut butter and crackers because your husband doesn't pay child support. How can you even look in the mirror?

Kali said...

please break up with him. let him find someone who loves him AND his children and doesn't think of children as a burden or products of a past relationship. i understand wanting "your own life" but it isn't fair to him or the kids to hold on to him and your resentment.