Wednesday, April 08, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

Let me tell you about this man I know- I call him my father-in-law, because my husband calls him "Dad." Really? He was the shittiest kind of stepfather, withholding love, affection and worthwhile gifts while showering my husband's sister, his bio-child, with everything that he could. But my husband doesn't seem to resent it, he still calls him Dad.

My "father-in-law" has Hepatitis C. He also has a secondary disease that I have alluded to above that I like to call "Serious Asshole Disease." He has had Hepatitis C now for going on fifteen years- I have been with my husband for six of those years. During the first two, I rarely saw him. We were young, and the only time he came out of his room was to pull the intimidation route (note to parents, also to self- intimidating your kid's friends and/or significant others will not make them like you) At the top of the third year, he came out of his room and started smoking pot. Then drinking. My mother-in-law packed up and left- she said that if he could not live for his family, couldn't leave that back bedroom to eat dinner or talk to his kids but he could do so for drugs and alcohol then she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. He then started doing Pharmaceuticals. He swore he wasn't. Years pass, this behavior continues. We took him to the hospital last Christmas Eve because whatever he was on started a major GI bleed. (He lived.) That was my daughter's first Christmas Eve.

He came home and managed to fall and hurt himself on the next major holiday (I couldn't make this up, this kind of thing always happens on a holiday)That time he was just drunk. He turned a corner then, said that he had changed. My mother-in-law took him back. My sister-in-law started talking to him again. My husband believed him, hell, I believed him. He was convincing.

A month later the Hep C started kicking his butt. He ended up in the hospital and things got weird- he was disoriented and "off"- he even cursed out my preacher- but that was the disease. When liver failure starts kicking in majorly, it causes some people to lose their heads a bit, or so I am told. He got out of the hospital and went to all of his appointments, and got on the liver transplant list for our state.

Three months in, and we start noticing weirdness. He would get oddly aggressive when talking to people, stirring people up, even when talking to my not quite two year old. Have you ever seen somebody pick at a child until the kid is screaming and they are all the while laughing while the child is upset? That's what he does. One night I saw him fix a drink and take a swig. We made eye contact, and he poured it down the drain. I was still angry, so I asked him why he was drinking again. He told me a sip wouldn't hurt him. My mother-in-law, sister-in-law and husband confronted him, and he mocked them.

This month he went to a checkup at the liver doctor. He quit smoking for two weeks and didn't drink for a bit and went for his checkup. The doctor moved him down the list, said that he was doing better. That was three weeks ago, he is now drinking openly, smoking again, and I acting a lot like he's back on the pharmeceuticals again. Today he went to the regular doctor and was supposedly told that he's better now! He doesn't need a new liver at ALL, and he is off the list. I think he got kicked off, that they found something in his blood system that proves that he isn't a good candidate for a new organ.

He isn't a good candidate. Hep C causes cirrosis of the liver. A new liver will give the Hep C patient a good chance to live a LONGER life, but it isn't the golden ticket. He will always have Hepatitis C. If he won't behave, then he will destroy the new liver too.

We have tried confrontation, we have tried trusting him. I even told him that if nobody cared then we wouldn't ask about it, would not even ask about the drinking. We don't know the truth about the doctor visits, we don't have a clue what is going on.

I am angry. He made my husband's childhood so hard, and now his twenties too. He has no respect for my mother-in-law or any of my husband's or my family. I wish that if he was going to commit suicide, that he would just do it already and save us all the pain of watching this destruction. He told my sister-in-law that he didn't care if he lived to walk her down the isle later this year or not. We've asked if he was depressed- he mocked us.

I don't want to see my kid get hurt by this man. She is his first grandkid and he doesn't seem to care - she is only two, but she is a very AWARE two year old, you know?


Hayley said...

What an asshole waste of space!

I'd break contact with him. Let him kill himself slowly... ALONE. You and your family have done everything you could.

Ashley @ said...

He sounds like a weak and self destructive man. He is probably miserable so he just wants to make everyone around him just as unhappy.

Just continue to be there for your husband and that is all you can do.

Anonymous said...

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh, but I agree with the first response -- cut him out of your life. Sometimes "family" is a loose term we use to justify putting up with people we ordinarily wouldn't dare invite into our lives. You've done everything you could, and if he won't take responsibility for himself there isn't much else you can do. I wish you the best!

Anonymous said...

I am the poster for this one, and the shit's gotten deeper, if that is possible. MIL took him to a checkup two weeks ago, and last Saturday he was so out of it he was watching the pause screen on the dvr. Seriously, mouth gaping pharmied OUT. He took my SIL to the Dr and couldn't be bothered to stay sober to bring her home, when she was under general anesthesia. My future brother in law has stated that he can no longer be in the same room as FIL. MIL waited until he was sober, then told him that if he was depressed he needed to be treated, and blah blah blah you get another chance. Again. Enabler. I don't think it is a good idea to give someone who has a penchant for pharmaceuticals access to some of the drugs you can get for depression. Blah, it's done.

I can't cut him out without cutting my mother in law out too. My husband won't go that route, yet. If it happens again (it will) then maybe... if she loses her granddaughter then she will lose the jerk just to get the grand baby back... I hate to use my daughter as a pawn though.

I just dunno- if it was just me and my kid, we wouldn't have to worry about seeing him anymore. DH is just a lot kinder than I am about some things.

All the same, thanks so much for this space to rant and whatnot. Especially since all of you agree with me. :) I kinda expected for someone to come on and say that I am a big fat meanie head or something- I AM a big fat meanie head sometimes, but I still don't like to be called out.:)

Thanks for the space Catherine

Anonymous said...

Possible for you to just have MIL over to your house for visits?

If it were me, I would be fighting with my husband on this one. There is no way I would want my daughter subjected to that kind of erratic behavior and horrific taunting that you stated in the original post. Kids are like sponges, do you really want her soaking up this kind of dysfunctional behavior?

Anonymous said...

I believe that just because someone is family, that doesn't give the family member a free pass to crap all over you, or to behave badly toward you or other members of the family. On the contrary, shouldn't family be more careful, and caring, and protective of their fellow members??

And when it comes to protecting children, I am a bear. I would refuse to allow my child to be where he is, regardless of where that was. I would do what I could to set up other visits for other family members, with the understanding that I will not back down from the no visits rule, so don't even bring it up. And if he was to be brought along anyway, I would leave with my child until he was gone. That simple, and that difficult, all at once. My daughter is just two, and what she picks up from her older brothers is enough... I couldn't handle it if she started mimicking such destructive behavior. Take care of you, and of her...

Anonymous said...

You are NOT a big fat meenie. You seem to be the only one not sitting in denial and making excuses for this poor excuse of a man.

I've been where you are... with my own father ("just" a drunk) and with in-laws (drug addicts, drunks and thieves).

My father had that cruel "sense of humor", but my children were never subjected to it... and thankfully I never had to take a stand with him. I had the good sense to wait until he was dead to breed. (please don't take that as a personal dig at your choices... I just knew I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him and scarred enough to know I didn't want my children being subjected to it.)

I watched him taunt and tease my niece and nephew to tears and had flashbacks to my own childhood. I had nightmares about what it would be like if he were still alive while pregnant.

Much of my family still sits in denial about what and who my father was... I stopped arguing years ago. I know what I experienced and I know it wasn't what anyone would call a normal home life.

What finally made my husband and some of his family open their eyes? A diamond (my mother-in-law's)removed from it's setting, ready for a trip to the pawn shop, receipts for several thousand dollars worth of her and her mother's other jewelry (that he got a whopping $200 for) nestled among countless empty heroin packages and used needles that were left in the duffel bag he had to leave behind after his arrest for 9 counts of child molestation against his own step-daughter; 6 of which he plead guilty to. I understand that a jail cell is not the most compassionate place to detox.

I hope it doesn't come to anything like that in your household.

Distance yourself as much as possible and take care of you and your daughter. You both deserve better and those kinds of scars often don't heal.