Monday, June 08, 2009

Goodbye, Friend

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Friend,

There was a reason I didn't hide that Easter Egg. It was a test. You failed.

No doubt when you get back from your trip you'll say that I know you have no self-control when it comes to chocolate and you'll offer to replace it. That's not the point. I don't see why I have to hide what belongs to me from you. You are not a child. You are a grown woman and I treat you the way I would treat a grown woman. It's not like I buy chocolate on purpose to tempt you, I buy it so I can eat it myself when I feel like it. I happened to feel like eating chocolate when I got home from visiting my family today, and it was gone.

This may seem like a petty thing to complain about, but it's one of a collection of things that make living with you a pain in the proverbial. We are best friends, and I do like living with my best friend, but not when she's so wrapped up in her own life and dramas that she barely talks to me, except to tell me what her other friends say and do. I'm pretty sick of hearing you say "well, I live with you," as an excuse for not interacting with me. A little common courtesy, asking me how may day was for example, or leaving your room to hold a conversation. I'd really like that.

I'm sick of always having to do the dishes by myself, and your little suggestion of only doing our own washing up is antisocial, not to mention a handy way of pinning it all on me when I make dinner for both of us. I'll consider it when you stop eating what I cook. I also have a big problem with you bitching about buying the milk and the toilet paper the last few times, when it was pretty obvious you used all the gas while I was away that time and I never said a thing. I'm also responsible for most of the groceries in this house, and you keeping the radiator in your room on all day while you're working in there is a huge drain on the electricity I am mostly responsible for.

I was disappointed when you said you were going to move abroad, and then said I was crazy for wanting to stay here. Now I think I'll be glad to see you gone. I really don't like that you thought I'd be forced to move somewhere else without you and you were going to do it anyway. I don't think it's down to any malice on your part, but it means you are horrifically irresponsible.

And that's what it comes right down to, isn't it? People who can up and leave so quickly and with so little thought can claim they love to travel, but they're really just running from responsibility. You're resentful that you have to be responsible for anyone but yourself. As much as I love you, I had to agree with your ex-boyfriend; you are awfully self-absorbed. You hate people who are self-absorbed and boring, and yet you can be one of the dullest people I know. You're in real danger of becoming one of those people who does nothing but work or surf the net all day and then go drinking every weekend.

So, my advice before you set off for pastures new? Learn some self-control for starters. Not just with the chocolate, but how about getting yourself up in the morning? Or not putting off your work so you can surf the web? And maybe interact with the people around you in ways that don't involve drinking or the internet? Maybe just take some time away from your computer for a whole day, see what happens.

It's a real shame our friendship has deteriorated to the point that I'm posting passive-aggressive messages online about you. I can start making a real effort to repair it, but I can't be your cheerleader forever. Sooner or later you'll have to do it alone.



The Tutugirl said...

I had a best friend like that, and I finally realized that its not a friendship if there's no give and take. And its not worth it to expend so much effort on something that doesn't make you really happy. My life has been so much better since I decided to just put in the bare minimum with that relationship. Every single one of my other friendships improved as a result. Its time to divorce your best friend.

Joy said...

I think many, if not all, of us has had a friend like that. And I'm with tutugirl - when I stepped back from the daily drama of that relationship, I was better able to be a great friend to everyone else.

I'm sorry you are/were? stuck living with your selfish friend, though... That makes it more difficult to step back from.

ACTing Like A Mama said...

I had a flatmate just like that. It irked me to death. I so resented the whole relationship. Eventually I decided to move to a bigger and nicer place. She couldn't afford the rent so moved back in with her parents. It was the best move for both of us. While more expensive for me, at least the money I was spending was going only to me (not a freeloader) and our friendship was able to get back on track once we stopped living together.

Unknown said...

Holy crap! I'm self-absorbed? Wow. I figured it out when you said "You're in real danger of becoming one of those people who does nothing but work or surf the net all day and then go drinking every weekend." and I thought, "Oh sweet! I wanna do that!". Sorry. I digress.

It sounds like you've been dating your friend and she's been seeing you as just another boyfriend (without the boy part). Some people are incompatible. That's life. There's room in the world for both of you...just not in the same space.

It's better for her to live her life the way that suits her personality. The worst thing is to force her to be responsible (like you) only to have her discover years down the road that she's fine just the way she was but can't fix it back because she's too deep in it (think: parents who realize they shouldn't have had kids). There are just some things she should stay away from, like responsible people and responsibilities that require too much commitment and reciprocation.

Now, if only I had figured that out about myself earlier on...

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you let it go on this long. End the relationship, kick her to the curb (if it's your place and you're paying most of the expenses)and then be done with her. Good luck.

zara girl said...


I promise you, she is emailing her mother/blogging the same things about you at this very moment... self-absorbed... irresponsible... antisocial...

There are actually psych studies on this - attribution theory or something? anyhoo, the point is that we all notice/attach great value to the things that we sacrifice/contribute and fail to notice/value those things that others sacrifice or contribute. Believe me when i say that every housemate you will ever have (and i include husbands, children and roomies in your retirement village) will give you the shits in precisely this way.

There is always a couple of sides to every domestic situation. Why not give being kind and forgiving a whirl and wave your bff off with some genuine love in your heart?