Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Processing

Posted by Anonymous.

I don't even think I am mad. I might just be hurt. Shattered. How could he do that? I wasn't really expecting anything except the Ale-8 that I brought to celebrate 2 years, we really don't have the money, he's not a big gift giver anyway.... but, I have to hit apple+v a thousand times a day because HE spilled OJ on the keyboard. And right now it hurts every single stinking time I want to type a c, the memory.... at least he hasn't used the computer since so I don't have to wonder what web address might I accidentally paste? Happy anniversary huh?

What was he thinking to just leave that site there? For me to find the first time I wanted to type a c. and why did I have to say anything? I could have just pretended. What did I do wrong? I know I have a part in this too... I'm too skinny. I'm always angry, depressed, needy. I nag and argue in public. I am not respectful or appreciative enough. I was always bugging and taking pictures of him. Should we have had more sex? Better sex? The dishes are dirty. The bedroom needs vacuumed. I’m the one who installed stumbleupon. (SERIOUSLY that is the first thing he said when I asked him. "Stumbleupon is dangerous!?" no show of shame or apology!!! Maybe I am just a little mad) he had to make his own coffee yesterday morning. I went to bed without him last night...he even told me I should wait up with him. Did he know he was warning me?!? what if I didn't do those things? what if just changing one would have made a difference.

I talked to him just the other week.. About selfishness and impulse control and trustworthiness and my snickers bar. And I trusted him anyways.

I didn't want to bring what my dad did into this relationship. I forgave my dad, my mom forgave my dad and so I trusted him. I didn’t look over his shoulder out of distrust just bored curiosity, a desire to be connected. I never looked at the browser histories. (I still haven't. fear this time not trust.) It took a lot of work and prayer to get there. Does he not know that? Can I get back?

And now all the questions. Just one site? Just one time? How long is not in awhile? On MY computer before this? Just looking? Or more. I can't even contemplate more. I don't even want the answers.

And no "sorry" the one time I realllly needed to hear it. He rarely says sorry. But today when I hurt so bad. Just this one time, and I still had to ask to hear it. I hate myself for having to ask.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

i don't want to overreact, and i don't want you to overreact. i only want to tell you that i spent FAR TOO LONG- YEARS- blaming and doubting myself and ignoring the little voice in my head that said quite clearly:

this man is not capable of the love you want.

so. just don't do that. just don't waste YEARS ignoring that voice, if it's whispering in your ear.

<3

Aunt Becky said...

Sending love.

Kay said...

I'm going to echo the first anonymous comment... because your pain is so clear, and it actually hurts to watch you question what YOU did wrong.

Whatever it is you need to do, you can do it. I hope this gets worked out however is best for YOU.

((hugs))

Anonymous said...

It's NOT your fault. He's an adult and makes his own decisions.
You say you're "too skinny, too angry..." NO you are not!! You are worthy of a better relationship. You deserve love and respect. He is not giving it to you. You have a right to your anger -- don't let him make you doubt yourself. I'll be sending prayers and strength to do what you need to do.

Bill said...

I, too, don't like to see you say things like "I know I have a part in this too..." Nothing you mentioned is "a part" of whatever HE did.

I hope you can find a way back. There are people deserving of you and your trust.

Anonymous said...

I have been where you are!!! This has nothing to do with you being too skinny, too angry, too anything. This has nothing to do with you not going to bed without him or any of the other list of your 'sins' that you list. It has nothing to do with you not being good enough in any area or aspect of your life. This is about HIM. This is his stuff. The man I caught with personal sites, subscription to T&A sites (I don't know how I paid $75 to join. They must have just charged me. Um, no, you would have had to type in the credit card number, IDIOT!) he always wanted to deflect his being caught back to something that I did or did not do. I understand the fear of the history list ... but you need to know how severe his internet porn addiction is. I ended my relationship when I intercepted an IM message (left open on my computer screen!) that he was making arrangements to meet a woman off Craigs List at 4am on his way to work. Its a terrible feeling I know .... but please do not blame yourself for any of this.

Anonymous said...

You appear to spending your life walking on eggshells and blaming yourself for all that is wrong in your relationship --even though it takes two to have a relationship-- because that is how your husband views your life together. This is controlling behavior and emotional abuse on his part. Please get some counselling... you're in an incredibly unhealthy relationship, from what you've written, and it needs to be changed or you need to get out.

Rachel said...

I've been right where you are. I've lived this. I've questioned myself much the same as you do. My "seasoned" words of advice are as follows. His behavior is just that, his. This is not about you. These are his issues that may stem from something inside him.

My other recommendation would be for you to get counselling. Its a hard thing to start and get comfortable with but it is so incredibly worth it. You will end up a stronger, happier person because of it.

You as a human being are worthy of the love that you deserve. You are the only person that can know what that is. Please do not be sorry for being yourself. Your feelings are yours, own them. Be strong and know that you are not alone in this.

Mike said...

For the love of God, can we get some new posts in here?

Anonymous said...

Ours is an envionment where evil is perceived to be rewarded while good is punished. As with everything the Gods have a reason for creating this perception::::
People who fall on the good side of the good/evil scale have more favor, and when they do something wrong the Gods punish them BECAUSE THEY WANT THEM TO LEARN. The Gods want them to receive this feedback in hope they make corrections and begin to behave appropriately. The Gods DON'T like evil and refuse to grant this feedback.
EVERYBODY pays for what they do wrong, only evil people must wait until their next life before they will experience the wrath of the Gods, manifested in their reincarnation as a lower form of life into environments with increased/enhanced temptations.
Sadly, this allows the Gods to position this perception of evil rewarded as temptation, one which they use as an EXTREMELY effective corruptor.

Both Africa and the Medittereanean are regions which have sexual issues. This is a sign of morbid disfavor once you understand that females are the God's favored gender. Muhammad's (Mohammed's) polygamy halfway through his life as a prophet was preditory. Now a huge percentage of Muslims believes in male superiority and that the abuse of women is God's will. Female genital mutilation is still practiced in Africa. Black misogyny is the most eggregious example in the recent past.
Black member size is temptation to a predisposed population.
The patriarchal cancer spread throughout Europe because of Christianity, of which the majority of policy makers were Italian men. Expect the largest landowner in Europe and the continent's original superpower also played a major role in African slavery.

Militancy in Africa is consistant with the Iraqi example, as was slavery and the KKK here in America:::Fear enforces proper behavior. Without it we see what happens as a result of gross/morbid disfavor:::::AIDS, crack babies, dead young men in gangland retaliation killings. This is the purpose behind many black's historical tendancy towards resistance.
The same principle was true in Europe and throughout the world for centuries:::People whom lived under iron fists were conditioned to think the right way. As a result they experienced higher numbers of children accend into heaven because they were taught to think and behave appropriately. Our preditory envionment of "freedom" was the primary purpose the Gods had when implimenting this strategy that is the United States, one which they used to spred the cancer of democracy and westernization throughout the world. And the Gods use this tool that is America to prey on the disfavored both at home and abroad.

Even the Old Testiment is not to be taken literally, but the Gods do offer clues throughout to help the disfavored:::The apple is a tool of temptation used to corrupt Adam and Eve and cast them out of the Garden of Eden.
There is another lesson to be learned from this passage, and it is quite similar to the vailing issue and the discourse over women's attire which ultimately died in the 70s:::Women are responsible for and control the fate of mankind.

Think about what I say. Consider what I teach. Society is going to become disturbingly ugly as we approach the Apocalypse due to spiralling, runaway disfavor.
I do not know when this will occurr, but it is the God's way to grant some time before they end on Planet Earth.
Make the decision to always be good and never look back. Until you do this technology will employ tactics to test your resolve:::Ridicule, beligerance, doubt and refusal to abandon what people perceive to be their "investment".
Pray daily. Think appropriately. Too many are confident, unaware of the God's awesome powers or their status as antients. Others may fall prey to their positioning.
Be humbled, God-fearing and beware of the God's temptations, for everyone is tested to evaluate their worthiness.

Search for the remainder of this document. Blogster/spot only allows 4000 charecters.

Mike said...

Jeez. Shut the fuck up.

Anonymous said...

I think you're completely overreacting. Just because he watched some porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It's not a big deal.

Loralee Choate said...

Was he looking at Craig's List to hook up with someone or a porn site? I am confused...