Posted by Anonymous.
I’m so sad.
I’m scared. I’m scared that in this instance hindsight has totally burned me.
In the summer of 2007 I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I made the decision to terminate that pregnancy. That decision was the hardest decision that I have had to make in my life so far. This was not a decision that was made lightly. We talked and talked and when we thought we couldn’t talk anymore about it we talked some more. In those talks he told me that of course he wanted to have another child with me but that at that time in our lives it was not a good time for us to have another baby. I agreed with him. I still agree with him. At that point in our life it was really not a good time to have another baby.
Here I am today a little over two years after the termination that I was and still am ok with it. My husband has made up his mind that he doesn’t want anymore children. We have one child that I love with so much completeness it makes me ache. But I never pictured myself as someone that would have only one child. In a perfect world I would have a lot of children but the reality is that I definitely wanted two. I feel like we talked about this all through our marriage and before we had kids but maybe we didn’t agree then either. I don’t know.
The point is, here I am wanting, like the kind of wanting that oozes through every cell of your body type of wanting, another child. My husband does not want another child. He’s done. What hurts is not just this impass. We will work through this; we’ve worked through much larger things than this. What is breaking my heart is that at the time when we were faced with one of the most difficult decisions ever, I was under the impression that he did want to have more children. At the time that was a very comforting thought. Because to me it meant that it was ok to think that it wasn’t the right time, that we would in fact have another child at some point and that the decision (we) I was making was really going to be ok.
Now it just feels like he lied to me to get his way.
I don’t know how much of that I truly believe. He was very much torn up over all of this. As was I, obviously. I just feel betrayed.
Yes we’ve talked about this since the termination and his response is that he was not lying to me then but that he’s just happy with the way things are now and doesn’t want to change that. I can respect that. I really can. It doesn’t make the hurt go away or make it feel any less painful.
So here I am now wondering if I knew then what I know now would I have made the same decision. I just don’t know.
What I do know is that I’m hurt. I’m sad. I feel betrayed. I feel like a part of me is missing and unfulfilled. I also know that in order to stay as the family unit of three that we currently are I will feel these things for a lifetime.
I refuse to guilt him into having another child with me. That notion is just too far away from who I am for me to be ok with.
I will continue to cry silently at night when I know he’s asleep. I will continue to wonder at all the what ifs. I will continue to be scared of the questions that will come from our child when she gets older.
For now I will put on my brave face and go forward. For now that’s all I can think to do.
19 comments:
I would highly suggest that you copy and paste the majority of this post into a letter for him. Let him know. Let him hear your pain. If he still doesn't want another child, then you will at least know that you were completely open and honest with him. This was beautifully written and quite respectful toward him.
I'm so sorry. :-(
I am so sorry for your pain. I went through the same thing with my husband, only he went on to have a vasectomy without my input. I was crushed. In hind site I think my want of a child was partially hormones and the fact my child was no longer a baby and I missed the part of mothering that was my being needed 100%. 15 years later I can honestly say I'm glad I didn't have another child but I do remember the pain and how betrayed I felt. I agree with the top poster, have your husband read your beautifully written comment, then LET IT GO, you must or it will eat you up and life will revolve around what ifs instead of living it. Good luck.
Its got to be hard knowing that you are no longer on the same page as your husband about wanting children. I agree with the first commenter. Make what you wrote here into a letter for him. If you are both at a place financially and in your family that you can have another child and you come to an agreement about it then its meant to be.
I agree you should sit down with your husband one more time and tell him the equivalent of what you have written here: that you feel betrayed; the you feel he lied to you at some level, or that he wasn't completely straightforward; that you had agreed to have 'children', not 'child'; and how you feel this affects/will affect your existing child.
If you are still at an impasse... then you need to decide if it's a relationship you can save based on your different visions of family at this stage. You also have to envision yourself five, ten, fifteen years from now... will you be heartbroken if you don't have another child? A sibling for your child? Will you be angry if your marriage breaks down down the line when it's too late to have another child with someone else? Or can you find peace in the decision not to have another child...
Only you know the answers to these questions. You can't force someone to have another child (that would be unfair to the person and the child), but you can decide for yourself what you 'need' to have a happy, fulfilled life.
I also agree with the majority here, you at least need to tell him how you feel and give him the chance to inject his input. If you've been through worse than this, you are no stranger to TALKING about things. Put it out there. See what happens. You're in my thoughts.
I agree that you should copy and paste this post and email it to him. I think it would be good for him to read.
I've been through that. And it's miserable and it hurts like hell. It's not an easy decision and it comes with a lot of different emotions. *HUGS* I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope it gets better soon.
Kudos to you for not wanting to "guilt" your husband into having another baby. But I do agree with most other comments that you need to make sure he understands your feelings. While you don't want to him to feel guilty, you do want to have open communication. Of course that's easier said than done.
Anon at 9:02: Do you honestly think that expression of judgment is appropriate here? The woman who wrote this is obviously not soliciting input about your personal feelings re: abortion. Your comment is misguided and cruel.
Fundamentally, if your relationship is at the point where you need to cry alone in your pillow rather than tell him what you've written here then you probably shouldn't have more children with this man.
It sounds like your marriage is deeply distressing in its lack of communication, contrary to your "we talked and talked and ... talked some more". Sounds like you say a lot of words to each other that are not the words that need to be said.
K Line
My comment is misguided and cruel? Truth hurts. Our actions have consequences. I am amazed that anyone can feel sorry for themself when this murderous act is self-inflicted!
I know of others that live with tremendous guilt after having an abortion and I know that it's something others can learn from.
@ Anon 10:07 AM. I agree with K Line. The Basement is a SAFE space for women to talk about their lives, feelings, and experiences. While commenters sometimes have strong reactions to the poster's story, they should always remain respectful. If you don't have anything that will add to the discussion in a meaningful way, then DON'T COMMENT. The poster wasn't asking for your/our opinion about abortion - she's already HAD ONE. So calling her murderer is going to help how? And YOUR idea of what the "truth" is is NOT everyone's. The poster has NOT expressed "tremendous guilt" about her termination, or even regret for having gone through with it. She states clearly she feels peace with her decision. So you're not actually trying to help her, just criticizing and name-calling. I'm not saying you're not entitled to your opinion - I'm saying that the Basement is not the forum for criticizing and name-calling.
I agree with the above commenter; Anon 10:07, this is not the forum to preach to anyone about abortion. So offer something useful, or go preach to someone who CARES what you have to say, because I'd argue that many of us here DON'T.
In response to the poster, I hope that you and your husband can somehow reach peace with your difference. I do think that you need to somehow either talk to him more about it (perhaps with a marriage counselor?) because clearly, you are not at peace right now. If you are this affected, then I really believe that your marriage will be negatively affected as well. Good luck.
Maybe some more aggressive moderation is in order? The OP should NOT have to read such hateful words.
I completely agree with the above posters. You need to tell your husband EXACTLY how you feel. If for nothing else, your heart will rest easier knowing that you said it all and put it all out there.
I also think that you need to think of your future. If one child is plenty looking down the road, than that's great. If you can, you need to make peace with this now and forever.
I also have to say that I am not sure about the "talking" and "talking". It doesn't seem like there's true communication -- this is coming from someone who's husband runs the show. I think you need to work on true communication. I know people that are afraid to fight and afraid to express their true opinion in order to keep the peace with their husbands. Sometimes this is admirable and sometimes it's not.
My not so humble opinion, your husband is right. He's telling you what he's already told you. You were given the chance at another child and chose not to have it because the time wasn't right. The time is never going to be right for him, hence the reason he was okay with you having an abortion. You can't cry over spilt milk, move forward, you had your chance you wasted it. Move on
Hi all,
The controversial comment has been deleted, after some consideration. I didn't delete immediately, because although this *is* meant to be a safe space, it is also a space for speaking honestly and openly and I've always wanted it to be open for a wide range of opinions. That said, some harsh words were used in the expression of that opinion, and end of the day, safety needs to be the priority here. The OP needs/asked for advice for the situation that she is in now, not feedback on a decision she made in the past. And it's possible to say that one disagrees with an OP's decisions or actions while also being respectful and gentle.
My apologies that I didn't do this last night, but I didn't see the comment until early this morning.
I posted at 11:35 AM and realize in retrospect that I was so angry about the comment (that HBM deleted) that I didn't actually offer any words of advice or support to the OP! I'm sorry that about that. I just wanted to say how much I empathize with how frustrated and betrayed you feel right now. This is a serious situation. Have you wondered if this is an issue you'd end your marriage over? It might be helpful to think about this question. Because if it IS or it ISN'T something you'd think about ending the marriage over, it might help you frame the conversation with your husband differently. I'm not talking about ultamatums or anything like that, but sometimes figuring out what your bottom line is before hand can help the conversation be more constructive.
I have a ton of sympathy for the pain of differing with your husband and the pain of knowing you may never get the thing you want or need.
I don't think you need to worry about your child's feelings on the matter, though. Your pain isn't her pain. She might be happier as an only kid, in fact.
I would have been.
I don't blame my parents for wanting my brother, but it was something they did for themselves and him. It was definitely not in my interests. I'm stuck with my brother and I'll be stuck with him after my mom is gone, and that sucks for both of us.
Sorry to lay my own family baggage here--it just presses my buttons when people suggest that kids are better off with siblings, because it unfortunately isn't always true.
This is, indeed, a tough one. I'm in the husband's shoes because I don't know what I would do if my wife came to me and said, "I want a baby. It oozes from every cell in my being. I'm utterly miserable from the wanting."
I want my wife to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled. But I do NOT want a baby. To discover that she wanted something that I do NO want would probably break our marriage.
But something that would be far, far worse, would be for her to get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose. It's happened to a couple of my friends.
And it broke the marriage for sure. And left a small child with no father. So if you truly can't become reconciled to this AND you can't get him to change his mind, you'll need to leave and find another father for your second child.
To do otherwise would be utterly unfair not only to him, but to both of your children.
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