Sunday, December 20, 2009

You Don't Know How Good You Have It

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Husband,

You don't know how good you have it. I cook, clean and care for you. I drive you to the doctor's, I pay for your insurance, your life. For over 2 years now you have been actively seeking out women to cheat on me with. I am not sure if and how many times you have actually succeeded in this. I know why I stay but I don't know if you know why I am still here.

I am here because you are disabled and I promised "in sickness and in health". While I don't think anyone would blame me for leaving you, I don't know if I can be that woman - the one who leaves the physically and mentally disabled man.

And yet I wonder what you tell these women you email. I wonder if every time I go out of town for a day or a few days if you are meeting someone for a tryst? I wonder if I should start having my OB/GYN check me for STD's? I wonder how you can sit in church on Sunday morning without the guilt eating you alive?

If you were not disabled I would have divorced you in 2007 when this first came to light. If it were not for you I would not have left the job I liked to take the one I didn't but paid more. If it were not for me spending far too much time on personal things (like your disability applications) at work I wouldn't have lost the job I hated.

The thing that kills me is I met someone else, someone who is kind, caring, sweet, someone who I have an almost electric attraction with. We both feel it, one night in a moment of weakness I spent some time alone with him, he held my hand, he stroked my knee, he told me I did not deserve what was happening to me. I resisted temptation. I will not be THAT WOMAN. I will not be the one to cheat. And yet I think when I find out more and more about your ridiculous sex site accounts and the things you say you want from these women - I think if only you were gone maybe just maybe I could develop a relationship with a man that knows what it means to be faithful.

I have to remind myself frequently that your disability is not just physical. That mentally you are incapable of making logical decisions. And I'm so sad that I am tied to you by vows I guess I never thought I'd have to keep even though I know you are not keeping up your end of the bargain.

It sucks. I cook, clean, care for you, and yes I still love you. And day in and day out you betray me in the worst possible way while I have to pretend I know nothing about it. I'm 39 years old and feel trapped by all of this responsibility and duty. Trapped is no way to live.


Anonymous said...

What are you waiting for? Go!!!!!

Anonymous said...

You deserve to be happy. He also made a commitment and isn't upholding it. Regardless of why, he is not "keeping up his end of the bargain".
PLEASE ask your GYN for an STD test. PLEASE talk to someone about this.
You do not deserve to solely deserve a full and happy life.
HE chose his actions and he will have to live with the results.

Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

For me, not being in your situation, the simple immediate answer is to leave, and don't look back. But it is not that simple, is it, or I think you would have done so already.

I know that you need to get tested for STDs, please, as soon as you can. He has destroyed your trust and peace of mind. Don't let him destroy your physical health too.

As for leaving "the disabled man", you aren't leaving the man because of his disabilities, but because of his infidelities, and complete breach of trust.

Maybe try to talk to him, let him know that you know about his cheating, and get some counselling if you do really want to stay married. And if you ultimately do choose to leave, you will have been honest with him about your reasons. You are not responsible for his thoughts and actions. Or for his mental and physical disabilities. You are responsible for your own mental and physical health, and happiness.

Good luck. ((hugs))

Rina said...

He broke the vow first by cheating on you. You will not be "that woman" by leaving him, you will not be breaking your vows. They're already broken.

I am very religious, but I believe that the three legitimate reasons for divorce are the three As - Adultery, Addiction and Abuse. Get out. You deserve better - he doesn't deserve you.

Good luck to you.

Abc said...

What Rina said.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I feel your pain. You need to go on your own mental and emotional journey of figuring out what your relationship, your marriage IS, and not what you vowed or wished it to be.
I am in a similar situation, with different circumstances, in that I took serious vows of faith to be married. I've come to (slowly) realize that my husband has never kept his vows, and it is literally impossible to have an actual relationship with him. He is emotionally and mentally abusive and really incapable of love. The part about my husband and yours is that there is lack of repentance. It's one thing to "mess up" and ask for forgiveness and change your behavior. But when the person continues to damage your "relationship" that way, it is no longer an equal partnership anymore. My feeling is that he's already, emotionally, divorced himself from you.
It's up to you which reality you wish to acknowledge.
Forgive my simplicity, I'm not naive enough to think it's actually that simple. Just giving you a window into my world for a moment to give you a chance to consider another viewpoint.
Bless you, and good luck.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine the position that you are in....maybe it really is time to leave, no matter what those vows say, its never okay for someone to cheat!

Anonymous said...

He broke the vows that only you hold a sacred. Go, it will never change only get worse. You will end up even more angry and bitter.

This is a choice only you can make. If you stay, you can't blame your unhappiness on your husband any more only on yourself.

Anonymous said...

You need to stop being a martyr. I don't mean to be insensitive, but you are too young to be living this life. You deserve happiness. You've done your part in the marriage, now it's time to do something for you.

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this but maybe it's time to stop living the life of a martyr. What good is that going to do? You will spend your life unhappy, lonely and angry. If he's broken the vows then it's time to get out. You can love him but you don't need to be tied to him forever. You can even help him if you feel that's necessary. But you can help him outside of marriage. Get tested for STDs, tell him you know what he's doing and stand up for your right to have a happy, healthy life.

Anonymous said...

Please, get a divorce, mentally capable or not, he broke his vows, for all you know he is using his "disability" as an excuse to cheat, have you considered that? What kind of disability causes one to cheat anyway? Please, save yourself, you only get one life, apparently he wants to be with someone else anyway?

Mama_MMP said...

What Rina said. You are free to move on. He broke the trust and does not care.

Anonymous said...

I think you should leave him. However, if you really feel that you can't leave him because of the disability issue, then I think you should go right ahead and start seeing the other man. There is no reason why you can't have a relationship with your husband that also involves seeing others... it's not a sin, it's just a different kind of relationship. You have needs, too, and if you don't take active steps to address them, then one of these days you are going to lose it and make a choice based on rage, frustration, or resentment, rather than a clearly thought out decision.
God bless you and good luck!

Anonymous said...

Oh Hell to the HELL no!
From the tone of your post at first, I was suspecting you to be 68 or 78, not your true age.
You are far too young to lay down and take this.
You BOTH took vows. His illness, phisical & mental, doesn't seem to keep him from cheating and doing what the hell he wants. He is SERIOUSLY playing you.
His mental disability evidently isn't that serious if he is still able to try to cheat on you online.
Speak to an atty. ASAP.
My late-husband tried to pull the same b/s on me. He "couldn't" get out of bed at night to urinate in the toilet so I was left to gag & empty a urinal or 2 in the toilet each morning. Somehow, though, he was able to leave that bed one morning to cross the living room, slap and choke our then 5 year old for saying "no" to him.
The same afternoon I was in our bathroom & had to run to the half bath with my pants around my ankles b/c he had her cornered. I decided that was to be the last day he would stay in our home. The hospice nurse promised to find a facility for him within 2 days. He died in his sleep 1 day before the move to hospice.
Even while on Death's door some people manage to be as big of demons as they can on Earth. It's not our fault and it's not our responsibility to deal with them.

Anonymous said...

We only have one life to live and at the end you have to live with your decisions. But you'd have to think that you could have chosen to be happier... Why must we care so much about what others think?
I say you are allowing guilt to keep you tied to someone that does not deserve you.
Make a plan to move on and live your best life.

Anonymous said...

Please know that you are going to break free of this burden. You are coming to the time in your life's timeline where we must be true to our selves. Garner the support from the prior posters and consult an attorney asap. Get out before there is an STD to be concerned about. Get out before he will be able to claim Social security benefits from your marriage (after 10 yrs in marriage). Go... make your plans, see a good counselor if there is guilt to be cleared, and be free!

ewe are here said...

Be that woman. Leave.

You would NOT be leaving a disabled man. You would be leaving a cheating, lying man who thought nothing of violating his vows to you while you went above and beyond supporting him. A man who didn't think twice about exposing you to potential harm, even an early death, via STDs.

Leave. And see a doctor.

And you won't owe ANYBODY an explanation. Stand up for yourself. Leave. If he grumbles, tell him that one of the many other women he's cheated on you with and harmed your own health and self-worth with can take him on.

Anonymous said...

What Tina said.

TheRestOfTheStory said...

Is it a Mormon church you go to?

mmichele said...

can you send him this post?

Anonymous said...

LEAVE. Leave, leave leave. Stop being a doormat, and go be with the person who would actually make you happy and not take advantage of you.

Anonymous said...

Just out of curiosity... how does a disabled guy cheat on his wife, when she has to take him everywhere he needs to go?

And if he is seeking out women on the internet, I mean... are there really women out there who seek out married disabled guys to have affairs with?

Are you sure he's not just trying to "talk dirty" with some chicks online, for a little added sexual pleasure? And if so, do you really find a whole lot wrong with that? Please, I don't mean to belittle your situation but... it seems like a whole lot is being made out of some cyber-dirty-talk done by a disabled guy online.

And if you're out having dinner with some guy who's holding your hand and rubbing your knee, then why would you possibly care what your man is doing at home, in cyber-reality, at the same time? It sounds like he's capable of doing a lot less than what you are.

Maybe there's just something I'm missing here? ::shrug::

Kellee said...

"I am here because you are disabled and I promised "in sickness and in health"."

You would not be that person. You would not be the woman that left a sick man, you would be the woman that fulfilled all of her obligations and was betrayed. You would be the unappreciated woman that left an unfaithful man.


Anonymous said...

I go to a catholic church - catholic guilt is deep.

I was not out to dinner with the man - he is a friend from church and until that night I had no idea he felt that way about me. We were at a church function, my husband was not with me that night. He had witnessed my husband being mean to me and just wanted to tell me that he knew and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. He was in the midst of a painful divorce he hadn't wanted where his wife left him. We talked for awhile and he was comforting me.

The electricity between us has always been there but other than that one time where we were both weak we have done the right thing, and since that night we avoid each other.

I'm not sure if my husband cheated or not - I think he may have at least one time. Most of it is online and the women he is talking with have no idea he is married or disabled. He can still drive although he rarely does and I found old emails offering to meet a woman in person one weekend when I was out of town. I didn't see any response from her so don't know if it happened.

I'm frustrated, I'm lonely, I'm concerned with what he might have done in the past - right now any activity he is engaging in is online only as we are together nearly 24 hours a day.

I just needed to hear that I don't have to stay here, I don't have to put up with this. It is a choice, and I'm making it. For now anyway.

JChevais said...

You are young. Your life is not over. You must take care of yourself. First. Right now.

I recently read a book called "Transitions" that I found immensely helpful when I was considering divorce. It helped me to see, cope and it helped me find the courage to say some things to my spouse that made him understand things from my perspective.

We didn't divorce. However, the big turning point for me with that book is that I was no longer afraid to if it came to that. I felt as though I had gained some power back. Yes, I could divorce my husband if that's what I needed.

Baby steps. In getting control of the situation. You can do it. It won't be fast, it'll be via a period of transition.

You are worth it.

Anonymous said...

Please talk to your husband!! It sounds like you are very hurt, but, you still love him and perhaps some part of you still wants this to work in the end.

As someone said earlier, this just may be a case of a man going on porn sites. Could it be a sexual addiction he has developed? It may be possible for him to get therapy for it if he is willing to save your marriage.

Just talk... tell him you are hurt, ask him for the truth, just find out what is going on before jumping to conclusions. That's if, you do love him still and think it's worth it.

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