It all started about 3 years ago. I was in a rocky "relationship" if you will and my mind had started to wander. There was this boy. He was 22 and I was 18. He worked at the same place as my mother. He was her manager, so she knew him fairly well.
One day, my mother and I went in to her work to get her check and I was introduced to him. He was handsome, and funny. My mother stood and talked to him for a few minutes and I occasionally threw in a witty comment with which he would reply with a smile.
From there on out, the flirting got more intense. I started finding excuses to go into his work when I knew he would be there. We asked each other questions about past relationships and what we looked for in other people. Eventually, he wanted to see me, outside of work. I knew it was a sticky situation to be in because of my current boyfriend but I was intrigued so I agreed.
I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend before this other boy and I hung out. We went to a local amusement park and spent the day there. Before I went home, we exchanged our first kiss and he asked to be my boyfriend. I accepted the offer.
My mother was NOT happy. She had every excuse in the good book as to why I shouldn't be dating her manager and this that and the other thing. I secretly though she might have had a thing for him because of the way she acted around him and past remarks she had made about him but I never said anything. Eventually everything blew over and our relationship continued with no problem. She grew accustomed and even encouraged it.
We have been dating for almost 3 years now and he lives with my family and I. I know they text message frequently as well as go to the gym together every day. I have always in the back of my head sort of suspected something, like I said before, but I always pushed it to the back of my mind. He loved me. She was my mother. End of story.
Last night he left his cell phone in my car and my curiosity got the best of me. I know it was wrong, but there was something in my head telling me there was something I needed to see. I started to go through his text messages and saw nothing out of the ordinary. I figured I'd read some of my mother's text messages because they do talk a lot, and what could they POSSIBLY have to say? She's 40, he's 25.
Anyways, long story almost short... I shouldn't have looked. There were suggestive texts from HER to him about outfits and hotels and surprises on the way to the gym. Texts about being dirty with no interruptions. REPLIES from him egging her on. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn't read anymore. I drove home, stormed in the house and confronted the two of them. They both insist it's a joke and there was never anything done. They make me feel like I AM CRAZY and shouldn't be upset. My mother tells me I shouldn't throw away my relationship over silly jokes. I know what I read though. I know what I saw. I don't feel it's right for a mother to be talking like that to her daughter's boyfriend. I love him and I saw forever in him. He was good to me, but I feel like this is something I just CAN'T get past. I guess the whole point of this is, does everyone else think I'm wrong too? I should leave him, right? I can't be the only one in the world who feels this way. It hurts and I don't know what to do.
-Anonymous
24 comments:
Go with your gut, honey. If he's exchanging suggestive texts with your mom, who's to say he won't exchange all that and more with someone else in the future?
You need to dump the boyfriend and move out. Minimize or cut off your relationship with your mom, and keep her away from any future boyfriends.
WOW! This was a really powerful post....I honestly have no idea what I would do in that situation. I've been cheated on but for it to be with my own mother would be totally outrageous.
I honestly don't even know what to say, I'm totally speechless
I'm going to say this but clearly it is easier said than done, and I don't know if I could if it were me:
Leave. Leave him, leave her, just get out. Those kind of "jokes" should not be going on.
I disagree about cutting out your mom. This guy is a douche. Dump him. You mom is not right.. but its you mom. You probably should get out of the situation though.
Yes, you should be concerned and angry. I think you need out of this relationship. As for your relationship with your Mom, I think you may need an intermediary --so I would see if she would go to counseling wtih you. There's something missing in her life if she needs to flirt (and more) with her daughter's boyfriend. She needs to see how this hurts you --and how inappropriate this is.
If my math is right, you're 21. I don't think this guy is the one. Go out, enjoy dating others. Don't let this strange hiccup stop you from moving on with your head held high.
You're not crazy. It is wildly inappropriate for a mother to be talking to (or texting) her daughters boyfriend like that. It is wildly inappropriate for him to be encouraging her. Even if it never went any farther than talk and texts, (which, from the little you shared, I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt, Hotels? Sweetie, that's no joke) THEY ARE COMPLETELY IN THE WRONG. (not yelling, just really emphatic.)
You're boyfriend is a complete loss, dump him, now. If he'll do this with your MOM, honey, how would you ever trust him again. You'd be looking at him sideways around your girlfriends (and your family!) for the rest of your life, which is no way to live. (And if you start to lose your nerve and get lonely, think about how you'll feel every time they leave for the gym!)
And your Mom? I'm your Mom's age, and honestly? I'd like to kick her ass. I totally understand the "beginning of being middle-aged panic", but this is fucking pathetic. Risking this kind of damage to her relationship with her daughter over a 25 year old piece of ass! Stupid, sad, pathetic, and mind-bogglingly selfish.
There is absolutely no reason at all that you should "get past this". And anyone who suggests that you should is manipulating you. They don't want you to break up with him, because then he'd have to move out of your house wouldn't he? And that would just complicate things terribly for them.
Boot him out, and start making definate plans to move out yourself, 'cause your Mom doesn't have your best interests at heart, and isn't a healthy person for you to live with just now. Maybe in the future she can repair the damage she's done to your faith in her. But that's not your job. It's hers.
First of all, he needs to move out. He's 25 and I assume has been working the same job for awhile, he should be able to afford his own place at this point.
They need to stop texting/flirting if you are going to keep seeing him. your mom has issues, that's prob why she didn't want you to date him.
you aren't crazy, it's basically them cheating emotionally. You wouldn't stand for it if it was friend, don't let your mom get away with it!
First of all, you are NOT crazy. This is what cheaters say to make you feel like you're a suspicious, paranoid nut rather than what you are, which is right. This is not appropriate and even if there isn't anything physical going on, there's emotional betrayal on your boyfriend's part. A person who can't take a relationship seriously, who doesn't know the boundaries when it comes to flirting is not someone you need to be with. My husband did this to me twice which is why he's about to become my ex-husband.
Oh, I am so sorry. You must feel like you have lost both your mom and your boyfriend.
Even if nothing physical happened (doubt it) it is super-inappropriate and WRONG.
If you can, I would move out for a few weeks... don't cut them out, esp your mom, but can you live with a friend? Say you need time. If they keep living together, well, I would suspect something is up. Even more than now.
May you have strength. And I pray for great friends who will support you.
I don't care if they're "jokes." That stuff is completely inappropriate. Not cool, shady, and really over the line. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this - you are NOT crazy - this is a fucked up situation. I agree with the Anon from 10:18am.
No Honey, this sort of thing is never a joke--too much personal risk hanging out there, you know? I'm your mom's age-ish, joyfully married, not conservative in such matters, and am still hesitant to be so bold w/my husband in text. I suppose my point is that the groundwork must be laid in person for such boldness. I'm sorry you learned this lesson this way, nobody deserves it. And while your mom is not old (*ahem* see note re: my age group), she is is old enough to know better, and she is your mother, and that's it. End of discussion. Holy cow. The "boy" has proven himself as such and you are above that. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump. Reach for higher and you'll get it. I had a boyfriend who slapped me around and I adored his sorry ass. He stayed the same, but I learned lessons. Eventually. Didn't say I was quick. You may need some distance from your mom for a good while...you prob. should talk to counselor, just to back up what I suspect is probably your vague belief that your are NOT crazy. It seems like you know that, but since your world has gone all bizarro, you have your doubts. Please don't. Because you're not. And it helps to have someone tell you that. Just to have it in the back of your head when the going gets tough. I have been to Bizarro and I know that it is easy to get so turned around that you think it's you. Nope. It's them. Say that outloud right now. Good. Write it down on your hand if you have to. But the boy is just a boy, not a man, and not to be trusted. Your mom...well, I don't know. Your mom broke all sorts of trust/mom/boundary issues that should have been no-brainers for her. Am wondering what is up with her, but it doesn't change that this is where you start looking this sort of thing right in the eye and moving on. It will be okay and you will be glad and stronger for having done it. Look the boy in the eye and watch is baby-ass squirm. Remember that moment. It works every time.
I'm no saint. I um..."mercilessly courted" a guy who had a girlfriend and man, I don't know WHAT I was thinking--THAT embarrasses me even 15 years later but it sure seemed like a fine idea at the time. So I can't speak to what is on your mom's mind. Doesn't make it right. Put yourself first here. You rise above this. You look for hands to pull you up and you will find them.
(and I don't mean to sound like I'm being easy on your mother, it's just that she's not worth too much space here right now. You remain of great worth.)
--Daniel's Mom
Oh honey, I agree with the posters who say Dump Him! You ARE NOT crazy. That is what people say when they want to manipulate you. Your mom does not have your best interests in mind, in fact she has lost her mind to do this to such a daughter.
I am so sorry.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted their feedback. Everything gave me great insight and it was really amazing to see people come forward that were on my side at a time like this. I know exactly what I have to do, it's just so very hard. I'm hoping people can understand that. They (my boyfriend and my mother) have gone on as if nothing happened and it's eating me up inside, however like I said above... I know what must be done. So, it will be. Thank you, again... so much. I appreciate all of you.
You'll hate hearing this, but you are really young. You have so much time to discover and fall in love with yourself before you find and fall in love with a man who WILL cherish you, who WILL treat you with respect. I know it feels like the real thing with him, and that you see 'forever', but I guarantee you, he is not the one.
If your mom is 40 and has an 18 year old daughter and is in a job where she is being managed by a 22-year-old, she may have made some life choices that you might not want to repeat. You have your whole life ahead of you - use it to grow, and love, and find someone who isn't just playing.
Run! Run FAST!
You're not to blame for your disappointment! You will definitely find a more suitable boyfriend - no doubt about that. It would be one thing if he wasn't replying to her text messages, but since he was, clearly you can find a much nicer person who will feel weird at doing such things because it is disrespectful to you in the long run and it runs against certain morals. You're not crazy - you are definitely a healthy person!
at 18 you should not be living with a boyriend, even one of three years, or even at the age of 21. and you ESPECIALLY shouldn't be living with someone in your parent's home. your mom will always b your mom, dirty and coniving or not. you need to make a clean break and live some life, preferably out of your parent's home!! if it is meant to be he will see the wrong in his actions. if it's not then you can cut your losses. really it is a win/win.
This sounds like a life-time movie!!
you're telling me. it's my life.
Poll 1000 people and 999 will tell you something more than joke texting has gone on between your mother and your boyfriend. Sounds like boyfried doesn't want to support himself and mom is trying to relive her youth. YOU are stuck in the middle. Your best best would be go with your instincts then find a place of your own. Don't cut Mom out of your life, just put her in a separate compartment from everything else.
This is Jerry Springer material. Your mother is a pervert.
Are you of normal height and weight? Physically fit? If so, join the military and get the hell out of there--I recommend the Navy or Air Force, not the Marines or Army. But you need to move ON.
You know what you found, you know what you saw--don't let them try to gaslight you (the reference is to the movie "Gaslight"--watch it, you will see what I mean).
It is NOT APPROPRIATE for a boyfriend to flirt via text with his girlfriend's mom. It is NOT APPROPRIATE for "Mom" to be getting NASTY with daughter's boyfriend.
Get out of there. You really have no other option, except to boot that Lothario out, and then watch your mother do it again (because there's something WRONG with her--any history of sexual abuse as a child? Sometimes, people who are sexually abused get all wrapped up in being vampish, to try to prove something...)....
what is "crazy" depends on what is "normal" if they think their relationship is "normal" then I'm all for being crazy. Do you really want your "normal" to be your BF (and possibly husband) to be so inappropriately close with your mother? Are they discussing your sex life?
seriously, sign me up for "Crazy" and tell them to take their "normal" and get some serious help.
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