Monday, October 04, 2010

Big Girl

Posted by Anonymous.

I wonder how I got here, and what is going to happen.

We started out as friends, talking for hours on the phone, until the sun came up - countless times.

You would stumble home from the bar, and speed dial me, realizing the cruelty of 20-something girls in university, and falling in love with the voice on the other end of the line - I accepted you and loved you just the way you were, your goofy laugh, your silly ego, your big dreams. You told me I was different, I was beautiful, I was ALMOST everything. My biggest problem was MY bigness. Over 200 pounds was too much to love. I promised to take care of it. You supported me.

We got past all the silliness and secrets, and were each other's firsts. It was memorable. Our physical relationship continued to be amazing. We learned it all together. It was incredible.

We became a couple - I eventually moved to your city, immediately lost 50 pounds. Despite the hardships of the first few months, we grew together, with passion and love and innocence. I worked at an awful job and survived for years. I made sure you finished school on time and succeeded. Your parents did not know about us. They still don't. Mine do, and they adore you, and even respect the mystery surrounding our secret. They don't know the reason I am a secret is because I am fat, and that your family's leash of money has kept me a secret.

My weight didn't budge past that first milestone. We were poor, the gym was too expensive, it was too hard, I gave tons of excuses. We kept it going because it was meant to be. We had time.

The time we spent was always quality - reading newspapers, discussing politics and world events, teaching each other and enlightening our minds in our spheres of influence. We were silly. We could act silly, you admired my love for animals and kids, I loved your passion for sports, your knowledge of what was happening in the world. I even indulged your delusions and comparisons to new heroes you read and learned about. I allowed you to believe their plight was similar to yours, every time. I forced you out of your comfort zone - took you on grand adventures and shared my useless knowledge of trivial things.

You eventually got into grad school, and had to leave our city, our country. You asked me to stay here, hold down the fort. Things changed, but we managed to survive all the obstacles. I saved your ass countless times. I got you through grad school. I sacrificed so much and came to visit as often as I could. Sometimes I spent the whole time cooking and cleaning and "making love." I didn't care. I would leave my whole life behind to do that forever. I love you that much. You make me that happy.

We were together or on the phone almost every night for nearly eight years. We shared every secret and fear and hope for the future. But the elephant was still in the room. Time was passing.

My inability to shed the weight has destroyed our future. It may be too late, but I am working to get rid of it now, for ME, for my health, for my own future. And now you're off playing with bleach blonde girls whose names end in "y" and "i". Because you are less goofy, more fit, and have letters behind your name, they want in your pants. And you have become vain and superficial enough to believe these college-age girls actually care.

I'd love to say that they can have you. But I can't, even though my heart has shattered in a million pieces, I won't give up on us.

Something this special doesn't happen twice in a lifetime.

That's why you still call me, for a week at a time, needing my voice as reassurance to get you to sleep at night.

That's why you still fantasize about me. You call me and I indulge you.

And I haven't told a soul the whole truth - that the love of my life has left me because I am too fat.

I haven't shared that shame with a soul, because I know that they will judge you, and some will blame me, call me a fool, or worse yet, not say anything but judge me.

Our dirty secret looks me in the mirror every day. It makes me crop photos, ashamed of how I look. It makes me head to the gym, and try not to cry, thinking about the bitch with caked-on makeup flirting with you, or worse, on top of you.

You may think you have changed, but you are still the scared goofy kid I fell in love with.

Every time I think I can move on, my heart stops me.

I am wonder how I got here, and what is going to happen.


Anonymous said...

You are well rid of this bastard, sweetheart. I hate it that you spent so many years with him.

I married a tall, dark, and handsome rocket scientist (no shit) when I weighed 185 pounds. He loved me all the way to my maximum weight of 235 (I'm 5'4" by the way), and we've loved each other while we've lost over 100 pounds together.

How would this guy have treated you if you had (God forbid) gotten pregnant? How would he have treated you if you'd gotten into a car accident and your body wasn't just too big for his taste, it was scarred and broken? I'll tell you - he would have been out the door before you knew what hit you.

There are plenty of wonderful men out there who are not so superficial - who will love you no matter what the number on the scale says, and now that you're rid of Mr. Wrong, you're free to find Mr. Right. And when you do, I promise you'll realize that you never deserved to be treated as badly as this guy treated you.

You'd be smart to change your numbers and your e-mail, to move, and to never speak to this creep again.

zchamu said...

I am so sad for you, sweetheart.

A relationship, a real one, a good one, weathers anything. Including something as superficial as weight.

Your inability to lose weight has destroyed nothing. He has chosen to destroy it all. Not introducing you to his family is just unacceptable in a thousand thousand ways.

I agree that you need to cut the cord 100%. You will never move on until you cut him off, because he'll keep drifting in and out, using you as he sees fit. You are better than that.


Kate said...

Oh, sweetie, I cried when I read this. I have BEEN THERE. The man I was with for years gave and withheld affection based on how heavy I was at the time. He "loved" me into an eating disorder. And eventually he left me for the "bleach blondes" and bimbos who were stick-thin. I held out hope for a long time, kept on starving myself, kept on hoping.


Eventually, with support from friends and a wonderful therapist, I came to realize that it wasn't MY fault that he left. It was HIS fault - he was too shallow to love me for me, he only cared about my physical appearance. I learned this over time - and it finally set me free.

And then I met my husband - a man who loves me for who I am, who has NEVER, not once in all the 15 years we've been together, said one word about my weight. He has never said, "Do you really think you should eat that?" He tells me I'm beautiful, he loves me for myself, not some twisted ideal in his head. He's a wonderful, kind, caring man, and when he looks at me, all he sees is the beautiful love of his life - not my fat rolls.

So don't waste another minute on this guy. Talk to your friends, find a therapist that can help you can work through this, and find your confidence again. Learn to love yourself for who you are, and eventually you will find someone who will love you for who you are, too. He's out there. Don't give up.


NGS said...

You are a beautiful writer. I can feel your pain oozing out of those words on the screen. Please take care of yourself.

selzach said...

Don't waste another second on him. His hiding you for years is a honkin' huge red flag.

Change you phone number, block him on Facebook, tell your family and friends not to give him your contact info and get him completely out of your life. Otherwise he's going to keep up the cycle of calling when he's lonely and disappearing when he's not.

You deserve so much more. Someone who loves you as you are with no strings attached. I wonder if your weight was just a convenient excuse and if he would have found some other reason for hiding your relationship. No matter the reason, YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WHOLLY LOVES YOU. Yes, he may be intelligent, funny, and passionate, but he's a jerk.

Do what you have to to fill the void - spend time with friends, travel, go to therapy, take up a bunch of hobbies - until it's no longer a void.

Lia said...

Oh, honey. You deserve someone who loves you, flaws and all, not just for what you can do for him.

It sounds like you're starting to realize that the relationship is toxic, but please talk to a counsellor who can help you deal with the aftermath.

And check out Medical Marizipan, a blog I enjoy that deals with body image issues. (I have no affiliation with it.)

You need to love YOURSELF before you enter another relationship. It's hard, but you're worth it. Good luck- we're all thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that he hasn't learned how to be a real man..and that's just not something you can teach him to be. I am so sorry that you have put so much time and energy in changing him, and had nothing left to put toward yourself. We can't help who we love sometimes...but we can change HOW we love them and from the sound of this need to love him from a great great distance. Please seek some therapy and try to start putting yourself first in the choices and decisions he asks you to make. And learn the power of the word "no."

Wishing you the best


Danielle said...

Been there. So been there. 13 years of telling me that he isn't attracted to me. 8 years of no sex. (What twenty-somethings don't have sex??) 13 years of checking out other women in front of me. 13 years of demanding to see "proof" of my weight loss from weight watchers. 13 years of eating to ignore the fact I soooooo picked the right guy. 13 years is a long time. 13 long fucking years.

I totally get it. I would love to type that I smartened up and left his sorry ass but nooooo, this girl waited and waited and waited. I waited for a ring, I waited for children, I waited for him to love me. He didn't. No love, no ring, nothing. HE left me to hook up with his now wife and I got the best gift I have ever received. The gift of a chance to redo my life. As I built my new life, I lost weight for me. My new husband loved me at 300 pounds and loves me 100 pounds less and everywhere in between. Run, girl. Run. You need to know there is a better life for you. Accept his gift of distance, withdrawal and retreat because you deserve better.

chickadee said...

You sound awesome, and while you may have had good times and history with this guy, I don't think the weight was the real issue. Eventually, it would have been something else: wrinkles, or gray hair, or any other thing that he narcissistically fancied beneath himself.

We'll all end up funny-looking at some point (with the possible exception of Helen Mirren), and you sound like someone who can and will find the one with whom this will not matter. Best of luck!

Val said...

There's nothing WRONG w/your weight. As you titled your post, you're just a Big Girl...(so am I)
& I wasted a good 14-yr chunk of MY life trying to figure out why I was never good enough for my narcissistic sociopath of a 1st husband.
Good advice has already been given - get this toxic waste OUT of your life!

Anonymous said...

I am not going to sound like the others, because I see a different view--having grown up a normal size (not stick thin, but not chubby either, it was the 70's-80's) and not getting heavy until my kids were adolescents, I've seen and felt, both sides.
Using your weight as the reason why he treats you this way is convenient--for YOU. I think you may have seen through his demeanor and personality "quirks" early on, but felt that you weren't going to have to own the relationship issues because you had the weight issue to blame this guy's obvious faults upon--as long as you were fat/heavy, you didn't have to face what was really the problem, and that was this guys character defects. Of which there are many claring obvious ones to see--his shallowness, his inability to commit (you fat or not). He was fine with how you looked, because it gave him the out of not having to commit to a long term relationship/marriage.

You, well, you fell into the hole with him, because you knew deep down you weren't going to lose that weight, didn't you? I think when eating to fill yourself up becomes a habit, it's not going to get broken that easily. You were waiting for this guy to change, to appreciate the real "you" no matter what size you were, and that wasn't happening, so you enabled his outrageously shallow callous behavior, by continuting to be fat.

I don't know if this is coming out right, but in the end we all have to own our consequences. You stayed heavy, he stayed a jerk, and you didn't leave him once you realized he wasn't going to come back to you, heavy or not as heavy.

So, the next move is yours. Just think, if you lost the weight now, became a skinny chick, and he didn't change a thing about himself towards you, how would you feel? How could you justify his behavior towards you? You wouldn't be able to, you'd have to face how this guy is, and that sounds like something you're not willing to face.

I agree with the others--there are guys out there who will not use your weight as a weapon against you. they were probably raised right, or with heavy people around them, and don't see the need to be cruel. Find one of those dudes, start living your life as it should be lived, and lose the weight when you realize that the health issues are going to force you to either crap or get off the pot.

I'm still fat, by the way, living with a crude, rude, man who doesn't seem to remember that I didn't always look this way. I actually don't care, because I know myself, like myself, and gave the best years (my youth) to him, and he owes me.

Don't wait too long.

Anonymous said...

I am "Big Girl" and I decided to take time apart from him. I am sort of seeing someone else, but mostly focused on self-improvement (education, health, mind).

We still talk a lot, and are taking the time apart to decide whether we want to make it work.

Funny thing, a girl he dated decided to get Botox and openly discussed her desire for breast implants... he was horrified. And Barbie dolls are not intellectually stimulating... and they play games. I am amused. My dates have treated me like a princess.

I am putting ME first, and deciding what is best for my future.

I thank everyone for their honesty and advice, it's helping me feel better about deciding to take this time apart and explore if we aren't better off as friends.

Anonymous said...

I will pray for you. I wish you the best. Women are stong in general and you have what it takes to leave. You will find it in you.

Anonymous said...

So happy to hear you are moving on. You sound like such a beautiful person. You deserve to receive as much love and caring as you have been giving. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I am terrified in a very tiny corner of my heart that this story will one day be my own.

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear the update. Best wishes.

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