Thursday, October 21, 2010

Let It Be Me

Posted by Anonymous.

Fertility treatment sucks. Why are so many women who don’t want a kid getting pregnant and I can’t? It is like a bad dream. Sex has become robotic and like a chore on my to do list. I don’t feel sexual at all! I never had so many dildo ultrasounds in my whole life. Every few days you get poked with a needle and open your legs. Every woman in the waiting room has a story and anticipation about her. Some woman bring their children while waiting for appointments and everyone stares as everyone knows that is what we are all seeking. People at work ask questions about when is the next baby on the way? So insensitive – I joke that maybe there will never be another baby, they laugh tell you not to worry and that just forget about it and then it will happen. Doh. I don’t think so.

And the costs involved. Man, why doesn’t healthcare provide coverage for fertility. We have come so far in this day and age that us woman are waiting til our ovaries are dried up, our eggs suck, our fallaopian tubes are scarred with living, all because of our careers, and now the price we pay is expensive. The price we pay is maybe never having kids or families like we wanted. I never learned that in university when I was getting my BA, my MA, establishing my career.

If I had known all this years ago, maybe I would have had a child earlier even though I wasn’t really ready. Are you ever ready ? Your life changes forever. When you are younger you have more energy and more playfulness. When you are older you are more weary but wiser. So is there a perfect time in this modern age to have a baby?

The perfect time for me is now. But now may come and go, and I will grieve. My uterus aches when I hold or see new babies. Next time, let it be me.

12 comments:

Cheryl said...

For your sake, I hope it is you. I've been there and done that and decided it just wasn't worth it. I feel for those of you who are still in the fight.

Anonymous said...

I was diagnosed with infertility at 14. My arms and heart ache to hold and love a baby, MY baby but I'm doubtful it will ever happen. I didn't wait to start a family, I didn't put my career or university degree first and yet, I'm still in this position. Besides the daunting financial aspect of being "barren", I have the awkward and embarrassing fact of having to ask to "borrow" my friends or family's eggs. Up in Canada, we can't "Buy" eggs so I have to ask my friends or family to give up an egg, so I can have a family.
I avoid baby showers, I cry when I get the announcement as it is doubtful my husband and I will ever be able to afford the price tag that comes along with having our own family, even through adoption. And I swear, if one more person asks when the baby is coming, I might just lose it....

Anonymous said...

This is the poster. I am sooo sure for your pain. The more 2 week waits I suffer through, the more stories I hear,it is sooo devestating. To me it is a Public Heath Issue.

Good Luck and I will never tell you to relax or to just let it happen :)

Anonymous said...

that sux. i feel yer pain. i have 3 pailed iui and cant afford ivf. it is a huge women's issue that is largely ignored. many other places treat ivf and infertility as part of healthcare. look at austrailia. that should be an exmaple.
best of luck and all - i will be hoping for the both of us.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my heart aches for you.
I didn't have my first until I was 30 and it took over a year of trying. My second came along when I was 32 after only a month of trying.
I know it is easy for me to say but try not to stress yourself because it makes it harder.

Anonymous said...

Right there with you woman! I had to stop teaching because I couldn't get pregnant and couldn't deal with the pain/jealousy/anger at watching good and bad parents with their children. When my friend 'complained' her unmarried daughter was pregnant with her third child from a third father - "I swear she gets pregnant walking by a man!" - I thought I'd scream!
I take solice in the family I have. I love and spoil my nieces and nephews and help their parents with babysitting. I love my husband and love the life we have together. I'm not giving up on having children of our own. I hope you get good news soon.

Anonymous said...

I have a lovely colleague that is in your shoes. She has a 4-yr old now (she is 31) and has been trying for over a year for the second one. She has had 4 miscarriages I think.

I see how people who don't know her story go up to her and ask when she will have another one.

She holds and kisses other colleagues babies (2 new babies in the office) and I am sure her heart aches.

I hope I see her pregnant soon, because she is a great mother (for her first daughter) and she deserves another baby.

inadequatethings said...

Infertility really hurts. I wish I could say or do something to help. I've experienced those same comments, that same ache when I encountered a new baby. I was fortunate: I finally became pregnant, had a daughter, and then two more sons without the heartache and difficulty required the first time. I know I'm lucky, and I hope you'll be lucky too. For those people who say ridiculous things, I finally reached the point where I no longer minded making them feel awkward. If they said something that offended or hurt me, I wouldn't feel compelled to share my whole infertility story, but I would tell them that I preferred not to discuss such a sensitive topic. Anyone who pushes the issue after hearing that is just an asshole.

Anonymous said...

OMG OMG OMG OMG this is the writer and I got 2 pink lines :)

Anonymous said...

this is the writer again and i lost the baby at 11 weeks
so sad

Anonymous said...

You are the kind of person I want to donate my remaining frozen embryos to. My husband and I were incredibly lucky that our insurance at the time covered treatments (it no longer does). And that is the only reason we could afford to do the IVF and end up with the daughter we have.

Lisa said...

So very sorry to hear about your loss, author.

I could have been you so easily. I married at 43. We started the fertility treatments before the wedding. Everyone at the clinic -- the doctors, nurses, receptionist -- were all so nice. But from the get go, the PROCESS made me feel defective. My eggs were elderly, my body didn't work right anymore. I'd come into work after another unsuccessful attempt and try to shut my mind off as I listened to people in the elevators and hallways talking about their plans with the kids, the kids' soccer games, plans for spring break.

After five IUI tries and one failed IVF, the doctor told me that I would likely not conceive with my own eggs. I asked one of my sisters if she would consider donating hers. She wasn't comfortable with the idea. So my husband and I went down the anonymous egg donor path, something I never thought I'd do. Try #1 with a 28-year-old's eggs -- pregnant with twins for just a few weeks, then not pregnant. Try #2 with same donor -- nothing. I started to think that I was so defective, I couldn't even carry another woman's eggs. Try #3 with a 24-year-old woman's eggs. 18 embryos on day 1, only 2 left on day 5, the day of implantation. I looked up into that kind doctor's eyes at the start of the procedure, wishing so much he could reassure me that it would work this time. I didn't ask, because I knew he couldn't.

So much of life is the luck of the draw. Try #3 was lucky for us. Two embryos grew into two healthy babies born at 38 weeks and one day. A boy and a girl. They are two years old now, and I will be 48 next month, my husband 49. Only once have we been mistaken for their grandparents (that comment hurt, but so what?). Every day I think ... it easily could have gone the other way. I don't know if we would have been able to adopt (because of our ages). I would have been so very, very sad not to experience motherhood.

I wish all of the women who wanted to be mothers could and all the ones who didn't want kids would never have them. Why doesn't God or the universe make it work that way?