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What hurts is hearing him say that in ten years he might need someone but right now being alone doesn’t bother him. A month ago he was crying in my arms begging me to never leave him, saying that he never has been with anyone before who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What happened to that man? What happened to “Never leave me. I’d be lostwithout you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”?
Now that we’ve told her that we’re over, I get emails from his mother telling me how sad she is that we’re breaking up because she wanted me tobe her daughter. I want to tell her that I’d love to be her daughter. I’d love to make her a grandmother. I’d love to take care of her when she ages. But that, well, your son thinks being alone is just great.
I know that this relationship is not good just as much as he does, but it’s not me that is making this not work. I am not the cause of this. He is. He is incapable of getting along with other people, not just me. He bitches about everything and everyone. It’s too hot, it’s too cold, the food sucks, the car cut him off, the neighborhood is dirty, I didn’t place the sheets over his side of the bed, everywhere is too dirty, everyone is too dumb to interact with, especially public employees. He won’t plan an hour in advance for anything. Taking meat out of the freezer for dinner isn’t possible, because how in the hell can you know at 9am what you’ll want for dinner at 6pm? He never wants to go out. “People suck. Why would you subject yourself to them for fun?” He has a ridiculously high standard of acceptability of anything. It’s just insane. Of course we have problems. We have problems because he has problems.
I’m damn good, I’m good enough for his mother, but no one is good enough for him. Well, fine. You want to be alone? Have fun. You’re right. When you’re alone, no one cares if you go to the grocery store every day to get food and spend $20 for one meals worth of food because you can’t plan. No one cares that you haven’t left the house in three days except to go get food and then you cursed at pedestrians for, you know, actually crossing the street. No one cares that you have a five step process for washingdishes. But the thing is, there’s no one there to care for you. You don’t seem to mind now.
But good luck finding a good person in ten years when you wake up and are tired of being alone. Good luck finding someone worth being with, who wants to be with you and not your money. Good luck suddenly trying to learn to plan and co-exist with someone who isn’t perfect like you are. Good luck finding someone to deal with your crazy family and actually love them like her own. Have fun.
I know you think it’s mean to say – but I feel sorry for you. I will move on and probably fall in love again. Of course, not now. Now I’m a sobbing mess. And when I do he might not be as great as you in all respects, his family might not be as adorable and he might not have a wonderful cat and the world’s most comfortable sofa. The sex might not be as mind-blowing. But most likely he’ll think I’m great and won’t care if we wash dishes differently or other silly things.
You’ll live happily by yourself for a few years, and then you’ll wake up one day and realize that we were so good and you wouldn’t be the person this relationship needed you to be.
I was. I really was, and it ruined my first year of grad school. Because you wouldn’t come halfway in this relationship I had to go full circle to make it work.
I’ve said it before, but hopefully this time it sticks. Never again. Never again will I make myself another person for the good of a relationshipthat the other person doesn’t care enough for to do the same.
I am so tired. So sad. And all I want is to know someone in this godforsaken town who will let me cry and tell me it’s okay and I’m all alone.I’m alone because of you.