If you'd like to use this space to tell stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal (or paternal!) mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...
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Alone again.
What hurts is hearing him say that in ten years he might need someone but right now being alone doesn’t bother him. A month ago he was crying in my arms begging me to never leave him, saying that he never has been with anyone before who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What happened to that man? What happened to “Never leave me. I’d be lostwithout you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”?
Now that we’ve told her that we’re over, I get emails from his mother telling me how sad she is that we’re breaking up because she wanted me tobe her daughter. I want to tell her that I’d love to be her daughter. I’d love to make her a grandmother. I’d love to take care of her when she ages. But that, well, your son thinks being alone is just great.
I know that this relationship is not good just as much as he does, but it’s not me that is making this not work. I am not the cause of this. He is. He is incapable of getting along with other people, not just me. He bitches about everything and everyone. It’s too hot, it’s too cold, the food sucks, the car cut him off, the neighborhood is dirty, I didn’t place the sheets over his side of the bed, everywhere is too dirty, everyone is too dumb to interact with, especially public employees. He won’t plan an hour in advance for anything. Taking meat out of the freezer for dinner isn’t possible, because how in the hell can you know at 9am what you’ll want for dinner at 6pm? He never wants to go out. “People suck. Why would you subject yourself to them for fun?” He has a ridiculously high standard of acceptability of anything. It’s just insane. Of course we have problems. We have problems because he has problems.
I’m damn good, I’m good enough for his mother, but no one is good enough for him. Well, fine. You want to be alone? Have fun. You’re right. When you’re alone, no one cares if you go to the grocery store every day to get food and spend $20 for one meals worth of food because you can’t plan. No one cares that you haven’t left the house in three days except to go get food and then you cursed at pedestrians for, you know, actually crossing the street. No one cares that you have a five step process for washingdishes. But the thing is, there’s no one there to care for you. You don’t seem to mind now.
But good luck finding a good person in ten years when you wake up and are tired of being alone. Good luck finding someone worth being with, who wants to be with you and not your money. Good luck suddenly trying to learn to plan and co-exist with someone who isn’t perfect like you are. Good luck finding someone to deal with your crazy family and actually love them like her own. Have fun.
I know you think it’s mean to say – but I feel sorry for you. I will move on and probably fall in love again. Of course, not now. Now I’m a sobbing mess. And when I do he might not be as great as you in all respects, his family might not be as adorable and he might not have a wonderful cat and the world’s most comfortable sofa. The sex might not be as mind-blowing. But most likely he’ll think I’m great and won’t care if we wash dishes differently or other silly things.
You’ll live happily by yourself for a few years, and then you’ll wake up one day and realize that we were so good and you wouldn’t be the person this relationship needed you to be.
I was. I really was, and it ruined my first year of grad school. Because you wouldn’t come halfway in this relationship I had to go full circle to make it work.
I’ve said it before, but hopefully this time it sticks. Never again. Never again will I make myself another person for the good of a relationshipthat the other person doesn’t care enough for to do the same.
I am so tired. So sad. And all I want is to know someone in this godforsaken town who will let me cry and tell me it’s okay and I’m all alone.I’m alone because of you.
14 comments:
There's a saying in Spanish:
Mejor solo que mal acompanado:
Better alone than in bad company. I think that applies here. You will be ok. You will be great. Trust me on this one.
It's so hard to resist, that "crying in my arms begging me to never leave him, saying that he never has been with anyone before who he wants to spend the rest of his life with." It's intoxicating and romantic and so, so dangerous. (Lots of memories here for me.)
I know you know this already, but it's so much better on the other side of the grief you're in right now than it was in that kind of relationship.
And it doesn't really matter if he finds someone else or not, because someone like that is always alone.
That is so sad and I am so sorry. I wish I knew you and could be there for you in person. But, I don't and i'm not. But, I'm sending you a big hug.
I'm going through something similar. We're still in a relationship - and we're working on it. But, you're right. You both have to be there and if you're not than it's not worth being there.
Standing back from the situation and reading that it sort of looks like maybe he ended things before you had a chance so that he could say he ended it.
Maybe?
SueBob is right on. You are better off without him - even though being alone is so hard. But you are already making progress - look at how clearly you can define what is wrong with him and the way he made you feel and act. That's more than half the battle.
I was in a similiar situation once, sort of, and I didnt realize until after that it was not him I really loved, I was addicted to the challenge of trying to please, change, appease him. And he was so very undeserving. But I did end it, and I am so much the better for it.
You are not alone in the basement.
I want to comfort you and tell you your life will be better. But you know this. You will wait out the pain, knowing it will slowly fade, and life will be sweet again someday.
It takes a damn good husband to be better than none at all, and it doesn't sound like he could be that.
Every person who has ever had a heart broken knows how you feel right now, and like Michele says, you are not alone here.
Not alone forever. And not here in the Basement.
I have a guy friend who is wonderful, funny, fun to hang out with, and quirky in his own way. But despite this, he is alone. Because he expects to settle down with a centerfold. He often tells me what a good wife I am to my husband, but if I were single in a bar and he were to see me sitting there, he would pass right by me, good wife material or not, because his standards are too high. I'm not a supermodel. He's also hung up on the one that got away. My husband has tried to tell him over and over that there are more things to a relationship than looks, but the guy insists it's important. Important enough to be alone for his life? Apparently.
In my friend, I see glimpses of your ex, and it makes me sad for him and for your ex, because they will never see beyond their standards of ideal. No one is that perfect.
On the other hand, I applaud you for loving yourself enough to know your own worth and to hold out for someone who will be in a relationship with you and the effort it deserves.
Hang in there. The pain does give way to better things.
I'm so sorry. I know it hurts, and I'm glad you know that you deserve better. Take time to grieve - it's natural.
Maybe not what you want to hear right now...but...let him walk, you are really better off without him. I am so sorry for your feelings, but I think he may have dragged you down a tad, to the point where you might not recognize yourself.
Grieve freely, then come out the other side....Anne
What a drain this has been for you. I can imagine how it must have felt like the life blood was being sucked right out of you.
After you get through all the sadness, do yourself a big favor and be your own best friend for a while. Let your friends pamper you. Pamper yourself. Figure out why this particular kind of person has come into your life more than once. If it is a recurring cycle, break it.
And Let. Him. Go.
wow. reading this made me see so much of what is going on in a relationship i am in right now. i've been weighing a lot of the pros and cons and seeing a lot of what you have described about your 'other'.
i want to be happy but i am scared of being alone. but like the first poster said, better alone than in bad company.
good luck and thank you for being an inspiration to get me to make some hard decisions.
I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries here, but this just might help you.
I've been doing a lot of research on different personality disorders, all in an attempt to sort of figure out my childhood. In the last few days, I've read a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and some of the things you wrote sound very similar to the things I've been reading. Not trying to play amateur shrink or anything but it's worth a look. It might help you to look back and understand some of it.
Here's a link for a great book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157224108X/sr=8-1/qid=1155258977/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-4499135-5031037?ie=UTF8
Click on the picture of the book, then click on "surprise me" (you can do it quite a few times and it will give you different random pages...enough to give you an idea about the disorder).
Hope this post didn't upset you. So sorry you've had to go through this. Thanks for writing about it...no telling how many people you've helped by letting them know they are not alone. Take care of yourself, ok?
Original poster here.
Thanks for all your supportive "you're not alone" comments. I really, truely appreciate them. I'm just trying to get through these first few weeks, then months, of being me and just me. Trying to get back to what I need to do and try not to let the pain pull me back to what is comfortable but damaging.
And thank you again. The support I've gotten here has been amazing and more than I could have asked for.
I am so sorry. You are right that you will fall in love again.
Your ex sounds depressed, and ultimately that is not something you can fix for him. I am glad you did not go down with him.
Everyone said it, but doesn't sound like someone who want to be in a relationship with anyway. Sounds like you could do better. =)
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