Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Keeping Appearances - An Update

Posted by Anonymous - an update to her post from June...

As always, if you'd like to use this space to tell stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal (or paternal!) mind, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement...

********

This is an update to my original post back in June - "Keeping Appearances"

It has taken a long time in the making, because I'm such a details type of person, but I told my husband on Saturday that I am filing for a legal separation, and I signed a lease on my own apartment yesterday. The moving happens Saturday.

Of course there were a few more "episodes" and a few more warnings, but none of them sunk in. I believe it got to where he was drinking at least a 12 pack a day when I wasn't around to call him on it.

He is taking it extremely hard - refusing to admit it will be okay as long as he gets help (which he does plan on getting), unable to face our 7 year old daughter, begging me to not leave the house. I have stood my ground though and insisted that I need my own place so I can feel safe and secure. I know that the best thing is for him to get counseling not only for the drinking, but to deal with his sudden loss of everything he knows. It is not my place to get him through it - they are his consequences to suffer, not mine.

He has asked me to go with him to his appointment at the outpatient treatment center next week. I said yes of course, this is about getting him better, not punishing him. I still will be able to keep distance though with a place of my own. I will at least know that I can decide not to see, talk, or deal with him at any time I want or feel it is necessary for the children.

I find myself telling him that as long as he is getting treatment and we go to counseling, we can still be a family, we just have to go about it one step at a time in a different way for a while, with me in my own place. That is okay, isn't it?

And, as far as our daughter is concerned - she's handling it well. She knows that she will go to a new school this year, but maybe next year she can go back to the "first school". She will be able to do more activities than she could living where we were, and she will be able to see her dad more this way (provided he is getting help). It's really a positive thing for her, regardless of the reason it has happened. I just hope her dad learns that I am right and he stops avoiding her before she notices he is.

And as everyone says, while part of me is broken, there is a huge part of me that is happy, proud, and looking forward to the freedom of not having to be a drunk's wife anymore. I'm in control now.

Thank you to everyone who commented, or even just read it. You gave me strength to know that I knew what I needed to do and not back down!

20 comments:

Andrew said...

You're right -- that post DOES reflect a lot of strength. Good luck to all of you, your husband, your daughter and to you.

Andrew
To Love, Honor and Dismay

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm so glad to hear that you've moved ahead. That kind of follow through takes guts - more guts than most people I know.

I sincerely hope your husband will get treatment and that you can reconcile. Again, I'm awed by your bravery.

Anonymous said...

Good for you for taking charge. I hope that your husband will make it through the program and get sober for the sake of your daughter.

Anonymous said...

You made my day! I've thought of you so many times since I read that. I was really touched by your post and left a comment telling of how I had lived through a similar situation but had left, years ago.

What a strong woman you are! I'm sure some days will be difficult, but you have it in you.

Michele said...

I have thought about you often since you first posted and I am so happy to read your update.

You are very brave and strong to do what you are doing. I admire your ability to balance the need to seperate with also trying to help him find his way.

kittenpie said...

How very difficult and brave. I hope that one day your daughter will be able to tell you that she is proud of you for making such a tough decision and protecting both of you and your futures. I wish you the best in this, the next chapter in your life.

Anonymous said...

First, thanks for the update. Second, I'm so glad to see you making a change for the better. Third, I'm also glad you said this: "I said yes of course, this is about getting him better, not punishing him."

It sounds like, from that statement, you're not giving up on him, but that you're not letting him drag you down with him anymore. I hope this is the kick in the pants he needs to see what he's risking by his behavior.

I hope that he gets the help he needs and through your counseling sessions, your lives can be rebuilt, not just for the sake of your daughter, but for his and your sakes as well.

Bear hug for you, girl. You're very brave.

metro mama said...

You are a very strong person. Hang in there.

All the best,
Julie

Christy said...

Bravo! I don't know you, but I am so proud of you! Please do remember that you can ask for help as well. Being co-dependent and then not co-dependent sometimes takes some work, but you can do it. Rock on. Kiss that little girl and send her off to school in style.

Anonymous said...

I am thrilled to hear you have made the decision to start living your life for you and your daughter. Perhaps through your bravery your entire family can be healed. Or at least find the peace you deserve.

May God bless you all. And good luck!

Melissa said...

Congradulations. You are doing what is right for you and your kids and that is a phenomenal thing. And yes, it is okay for you to still be a family. Just listen to your heart, do what feels comfortable to you, don't listen to the negative things people will say. Oh and when/if he starts to fuck up, it is also okay for you to pull it back again, even if you had been spending more time togeather.

I am glad to have an update. Thanks for sharing again with us.

ewe are here said...

You are definitely in control. You have gotten yourself and your daughter out of a bad situation, and you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Take care of yourselves.

H. said...

I am the 24 year old ex-step daughter of an alcoholic. The children of an alcoholic get just as good as the wife of an alcoholic at hiding their hurt and anger. The difference is your children are helpless in this situation. You're not. I praise you for getting your children out of that living situation. Whether Dad is a mean drunk or a happy doesn't make much difference. The pain is still there. Learning that Dad can't be counted on to protect them is a pain that they'll carry for a while. Good for you for stepping up to take care of them and protect them when your husband is unable.

Nancy said...

Hugs and best wishes to you. You are an amazing and strong woman, and such an excellent role model for your kids.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm so glad. SO freaking glad.

I've worried about you in the back of a corner of my mind since I read your first post. worried that you would be unable to take that giant, scary leap.

I'm so proud of you. I wish I could give you a hug.

I'm just so damn proud of you. your kids will thank you. you will thank yourself, too. now, and later.

*huuuuuuugest hugs*

crazymumma said...

You are sooo brave, and your daughter will take that courage into her own life...

toyfoto said...

Being brave is good for your daughter. You'll see.

babbleabble said...

Thank you all again! I need to print this stuff out and tatoo it on my head. You are all so supportive.

I decided to start a blog last week. A general blog, but surely there is bound to be many a update on this situation. At the very least it will give me some venting time.

Mommato2 said...

Wow - just read your post. You are one brave lady. All the best to you and your family.
Stay strong.

nonlineargirl said...

That took a lot of guts. Good luck to you and your family, you deserve to be happy, safe and secure.