Thursday, October 26, 2006

When The Past Returns

Posted by Anonymous.

If you'd like to use this space to tell stories/secrets/confessions of your dangerous maternal mind, anonymously or otherwise, send me an e-mail and you too can enjoy the refuge of the Basement.


12 years ago, the man of my dreams left me. We had been together for 2 years and he was the one who was going to make it all happen. He was going to give me my happily-ever-after. He left me via phone.

He was the one. The one who I thought of daily for the past 12 years. The one who I longed for
soooo many years. Often wondering if he was happy, if he had gotten sent to Iraq, all of the thoughts went through my head for years.

He popped up again 9 years ago, and then popped back out. Over the years, loving him has brought me much heart ache. He's not a flake, he's not a bad man, he actually a very good man (hard to believe, I know, with all that I'm telling you.)

He came and found me again after all of this time. He tells me how much he loves me, how full he is of me! How I have been in his thoughts for so many years, dealing with the whole I fucked up so many years ago. Now he tells me all of this, now he tells me the things I have longed to hear for sooo many years. Now he tells me when i'm married with 2 kids. He's all I think about. I can still smell him. I'm driving myself mad. I have written "Dear John" letters over and over again and have yet to send one to him. Everytime I think about telling him goodbye it's as though my heart is going to crumble.

My husband's not a bad man, he's a good man, but I don't love him as I do the other. He has a temper that in the past has made me scared for my children. It's so sad to see that in black and white but it's so true. I go home and wish for time to stop so that I can get some kind of grip on the emotions swirling around in my head, and at the same time be a great mother and a
wife to the man I married.

Help me. Do I follow my heart and leave my husband? Or do I continue to run from the past and all the memories that it contains?


Anonymous said...

I am not doubting the feelings you have for this other man -- but it does sound like his arrival back in your life has stirred up some other feelings about your marriage that need to be addressed. I went through a similar crisis in my own life and marriage that turned out not so much to be about my love for my husband or another person, but about my own insecurities.
In other words -- in your case, it may not boil down to a decision of whether or not to leave your husband to be with the other man. The old love may just represent something else in your life that you are looking for.

If you can do it, I'd highly recommend counseling to sort out your feelings. Good luck to you.

ewe are here said...

My initial thought is: there's a reason it didn't work out 12 years ago. And 9 years ago. Memories are funny things, soooo selective.

If you do decide to leave your husband, I suggest you leave him because you're unhappy, i.e.,for yourself. Not for a man who has left you more than once in the past. I agree that a counsellor might help you figure out what it is you want and need to do to be happy. Jumping into a relationship with someone is probably not the best way to go, IMO.

Good luck

Anonymous said...

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but from reading this, it seems you, like so many of us, me included, have bad taste in men! One that can't commit. leaves you hanging and now comes back promising you the world when he can't have you & one who has a temper and scares you - frying pan to fire honey. Leave your husband if you're going to do that but don't do it for this man, do it for yourself and your kids.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like the man from your past may be the kind who wants you only when you're unattainable (my ex-husband was like that).

What would you do if the old flame were out of the equation? If it were a choice between staying with your husband and being a single parent? Because chances are, that's what it's going to be sooner or later.

Jo said...

I can relate to what you're feeling. I agree with suggestions to talk to a counsellor - it will help you figure out what you want and why you feel the way you do. And, make sure the reality of each possible outcome is clear when you make your decision. It's true what they say...the grass is always greener... That's my advice...for what it's worth.

Anonymous said...

Just my two cents...wonderful posts from everyone, but it seems to me that anonymous 7:57am hit it right on the head.

If your husband makes you scared at times, with his anger, could it be that this other man represents safety somehow? Just an idea.

This is a difficult situation. I'll be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

This is just me, but it's based on personal experience. If you're afraid of your husband's temper and counseling hasn't/won't work, get out for the sake of you and your children. Worry about the other guy later, after you've had time to find yourself again.

Anonymous said...

It is so hard to get over that first true love. I don't know if I'll really ever be completely over losing my own first love, though I am now very happily married to someone else.

The key question, in my mind: Will this man from your past love your children as much as he loves you? When he dreams of spending his life with you, do those dreams include rocking another man's child back to sleep at 3 a.m. after a nightmare, or cleaning up another man's child's vomit? Because that's the kind of love you and your children would need from him. And from his past with you, he doesn't sound like he's all that reliable.

Anonymous said...

I can totally understand the temptation. But the other commenters here are right - you need to consider whether you are actually unhappy in your marriage, or just having 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' feelings, AND consider whether the temptation here is really all that it appears to be. He claims to love - and you clearly still have strong feelings - but does that mean that the relationship would work? Sometimes, the best choices are the boring, dependable choices, and not the movie-ending, romantic sunset choices.

But, oh man, I do hear you on the temptation. I actually wouldn't want to face it myself.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much everyone for your comments. Hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

You know I'm a hopeless romantic, I always have been. For the longest time Ive lived in a manner where I do everything that is
expected of me. EVERYTHING. Down to the lunches with my nightmare of a mother in law, I have bitten my tongue for many years trying to make peace with everyone for the sake of harmony in my husbands family. I have taken a large amount of critisim from my husband as well as my MIL over the last 6 years The thing is, is that I don't want to do what I'm Suppose to do when these kind of things come into your life, I don't want to do what is EXPECTED of me when this arises in ones life. I want to live in the very moment that is upon me. I don't want to resent my husband years down the road because I stayed with him because of the kids and because of his family. I don't. I have always believed that him and I wouldnt be growing old together. Something inside of me years ago clicked and I saw an other side of him that scared me beyond belief. Something that shattered the innocence that I believed our love to be. I have told him that if it were to happen agin that I would not be around for another. He has been forewarned. He was to follow up with the medication or the therapy and he has done neither. What does that say for his commitment to our family? I'm not blaming him for his short falls, we all have them. But I wont be made to cower before his tantrums. I won't.

All of this was way in the works before the other stepped back into my life. Way before. So now that I have emptied my soul to all of you strangers. I just want to say thank you again for all of your comments!

The poster from 9:48 Am gave me a lot to think about! Thank you!